Apparently the Geman magazine Stern recently published a pictorial essay trying to make America look bad. Davids Medienkritik has the pictures with translated captions.
Those Germans aren’t very nice.
Personally, I refuse to stoop to such childish, slanted tactics. I will only publish the truth, and so I present (in the extended entry) these:
Germany is a medium-sized European country, with approximately the same square-mileage and speed limit laws as Montana.
Germans invented the form of music known as “opera”. It soon spread to Italy and Japan, which led to the formation of the “Axis of Warble”.
Attempts to spread opera to other nations led directly to WWII
The practice of cooking ground-up meat and serving it on a bun began in the German city of Cheeseburg.
The German city of Hamburg is populated entirely by lactose-intolerant former Cheeseburgians
Despite what you might infer from its name, the Dutch oven was actually a German invention, as were the Gypsy and Jew ovens.
Like Iraq, Germany was home to numerous military geniuses who were eventually killed by Americans.
Hitler was the first dictator in modern history to prove that a bad moustache is no match for American military might.
Hussein was the latest.
Looking YOUR direction, President Asad…
Germany is known the world over for its fine cuisine, in much the same way that France is known for its battlefield prowess.
The colors of the German flag are black, red, and yellow. It was originally just red and black, but the yellow stripe was added to commemorate their frequent wars with France when “the River Rhine would run yellow with the blood of French soldiers”.
Because of the location of the Swiss Alps along Germany’s southern border, it’s impossible for tornados to form in Germany. The only weather hazards faced by the nation are flooding and occasional drifts of radioactive ash from Russian nuclear power plants.
Like Americans, Germans are allowed to vote in their national elections at age 18. Also like Americans, 18-year-old Germans spend election day at home with their PlayStations.
Postage stamps in Germany celebrate national heroes such as Werner von Braun, who invented the liquid-fueled rocket and lederhosen.
People of German heritage frequently celebrate family get-togethers with such German traditions as bland potato salad, warm beer, and hairy-backed women.
Unlike America, Germany has no legal drinking age, because German parents think it’s cute when their toddlers drink beer and stumble around.
If you have information about Germany that America needs to know, call the Department of Homeland Security, or leave it in the comments.
You forgot to mention that fully 7% of the German economy depends on scheisse videos and another 6% on other forms of video pr0n.
Hey! The hamburger was invented in Hamburg, NY! (Which was named after the lactose intolerant Cheesburgers.) You don’t thing the Germans could actually invent any food that was edible, did you?
Germans invented the form of music known as “opera”. It soon spread to Italy and Japan, which led to the formation of the “Axis of Warble”.
Well, it’s not as if there’s a patent or anything, but musicologists generally refer to Claudio Monteverdi’s (1607) as the first opera. Monteverdi, as his name suggests, was Italian, although I’m not sure that Italy existed as a country.
On the other hand, the greatest composer of Italian operas was Austrian (a fellow named Mozart).
Dude, the “Dutch oven” line was soooo wrong. Incredibly funny, but you might be going to hell for that one…
Unlike America–though much like the American left–Germany sucks.
Isn’t it time for Germany to try to take over the world again?
I think they’re due.
Then we can kick their asses again (sans Aquaman, if neccessary).
Isn’t it time for Germany to try to take over the world again?
I think they’re due.
Then we can kick their asses again (sans Aquaman, if neccessary).
Awesome. I loved the one about the flag and the yellow stripe.
Q: Why do trees grow along the champs-elysees in Paris?
A: Because German invaders like to march in the shade.
t true that we dont have a legal drinking age. Its actually 16.s also true that nobody cares about that.It
s kinda impossible for us to make another run for world leadership, due to the fact that the seize of our "military" ( It aint really deserves to be called so) is on the same level as Belgium or Denmark. All those guys are doing is participating in use- and pointless UN peace misssions.t really wanna wait until 2006. So what about sending some stealth fighters and kill our government. We need a regime change so badly. Actually it dont really takes a stealth bomber. Our “air defense” couldn`t even shoot down a civilian airlainer if it was about to crash in a skyscraper. I know what you think now, but yes, we have some skyscrapers over here.I know I didn’t just read that line about Jew and Gypsy ovens.
As individuals, Germans are the best : best WW1 pilot (Manfred von Richtofen), best sub commander ever (Lothar von Arnaud de la PerriËre WW1), best fighter pilots ever (Hartmann, Rudel and many others WW2), best WW2 sub commander (Kretschmer), best WW2 tank commanders (Wittman and others).
Their scientists and engineers invented the cruise missile, the ballistic missile, the helicopter and almost every weapon in use today was either created or perfected by Germans, in Germany or elsewhere… But they have been so lefty since WW2 that they don’t dare to use their marvels themselves anymore and prefer to sell them. I hope they’ll wake up soon.
One last thing you forgot about Germany: their women are amazing. I love stylish, well-groomed blondes with brains to match, and the german accent is a definite turn on!
Thought I was going to choke on the “Dutch oven” line. That was sooooo wrong!
I like German food. It’s a lot like my native Southern food: heavy, greasy, and massively unhealthy. Schnitzel und bratkartoffeln, anyone?
David’s comments about the present German government are dead on. Joschka Fischer in particular was a big anti-American lefty demonstrator back in the ’80s. And Schroeder wouldn’t be in office now if he hadn’t determined that blaming Bush for everything bad in the world was a good political tactic. Fortunately, it didn’t work so well for John Francois Kerry.
German women are not bad (not that I know very many…). However, if you want to fall head over heels within five seconds of meeting a girl, go to Ireland. I almost proposed marriage to a girl at the Delta ticket counter when she told me my plane would be late, and she wasn’t really even that pretty. But that accent! Woofwoof!
David, love the comments!
I spent two years in Herzogenaurach Germany from 1986 to 1988. I loved the country! The people are awesome! (albeit many are “confused” … but nice)
I will take exception to the food comment, though. Its a cuisine for a man’s man (meat and potatoes). I loved it (and I love the beer – Dunkel Weizen!). But I’m weird that way.
I hope conservatism IS on the rise there. But can you just imagine how the MSM will spin that? Republicans are already the same thing as neo-nazis in this country. Can you just hear them now if the conservatives take of in Germany?
The Dutch oven joke was not funny. And military geniuses in Iraq? Maybe in the 15th century.
Of course, the French are capable of military victories, but when not led by a frenchman. Oh, and for the few IMAO readers who’ve not seen it, Kim du Toit also had one of those “I really shouldn’t laugh, but…” moments about the Stern article.
Speed limits as in Montana?
The 55 mph limit is a standing joke to us Europeans. Even in my Denmark, it’s 80 and in Germany there’s NO LIMIT!!!!
German food is very appropriate for some occasions, such as when you’re drinking beer with the guys or preparing for a soccer game. And yes, soccer is a man’s game – hardly any padding, a player runs a half-marathon during the 90-minute game (twice a week for eleven months of the year) and for much of the season, icy sleet soaks him to the skin before kickoff. Americans could do well to study such choice teams as 1. FC St. Pauli (probably the only elite sports team in the world hailing from a red light district).
Indeed, with so much going for Germany, why is it so filled with awful lefties???????????????
It is to most Americans too. BTW, it’s been 65 or 70 mph in most states for the last decade, thank you Newt (more info here). I guess this means that Europeans should modernize their stereotypes.
Dan, I’m sorry but if you put your sprinting jerry-curled soccer poof up against any NFL line-backer- padding or not- that soccer poof is dead. Not in the metaphysical sense. I mean he will die. Soccer is only a man’s game when you’ve never met a bigger man.
And I like all of the comments about the state of Germany today. It’s nice to see, but what I saw when I was there was the same thing I’m seeing now. Germans have become pacifists.
They are so neutered that they cannot protect themselves. If a Muslem or Communist horde decides to assrape every woman in Germany, it’ll be a all you can eat buffet, right after they finish with France. Germany better get most of their people unstupid, because it’s a real bad time to be socialist. Too much is at stake now.
Always funny! IMAO.
Dancing With Tears in My Eyes
Matthias
First Frank J. posts “Know Thy Enemy: The Irish.” Now Harvey’s slamming Germans. That just about covers my whole gene pool. But I’m not offended, really I’m not…
You rock Harvey!! stellar posting
Fine work by Harvey, though he left out an obvious fact:
German men have become so emasculated they’re now being conditioned to sit whilst relieving themselves- sitzpinklers is the term I believe. While funny in a sad sad way, it’s also very true.
Another fact- during the reunification a few years back, East and West Germany spent many days deciding what their new capital would be- until the 11th hour, the favored choice was Paris.
Uber alles, mein arse.
Hey, the liquid fueled rocket is an American invention!
For the record, I winced when the Dutch oven line popped into my head, but I decided that it’s more important to amuse twisted people than it is to make it into heaven 😉
And the bit about Montana’s speed limit was a reference to the 4 years the state spent with no posted daytime speed limit:
http://www.us-highways.com/montana/mtspeed.htm
Hey Undercover Hippie I live right now in Erlangen! How about that? Any chance on coming back for a visit? I’ll supply the brew.
It is about time for an administration change here. The freakin admin now has really screwed up this country. Instead of trying to better the economy they are working hard on making everyone love each other and stamping out freedom of speach. (what a suprise there eh?)
Schrˆder and his pack of tards need to go. Fischer is a terrorist who supported the bombing of discos where Americans often visited in the 80’s when it was “cool” for the herms. He needs to be in jail married to some guy named Reinhold.
Yep over 5 million out of work here. why the press, therefore the aministration, refuse to say is that there are 1.8 million out of work people going to school. they recieve the same un-employment benifits from the government but since they are not sitting on their asses all day then are not counted. So we’re looking at close to 7 million.
There is not only Schnitzel and Brautwurst here. Every sunday after church my family and I go to a little resturant called “Alten Peter” and gorge ourselvs on Schaufle. It’s about 8 pounds of pork sholder and Klˆse (dumplings) Now thats eating. then we also have Sourbraten for you beef lovers out there. Schweinebraten. Both served with Klˆse.
Damn I’m getting hungry…
Unfortunately, Germany was also a big partner of ours during the Cold War. It was a sad day when Kohl and the CDU got ousted and the country (Danke Gerhard und die Sozis) took a couple of steps left of Mao.
It seems they are suffering from their folly there as well–Germany used to be a thriving nation until Gerhard. Now its population is on the decline.
jth
Its really sad to see that some of you are making comments about a country you hardly know. Germany is more than Würstchen and Sauerkraut. C’mon guys, there is really no difference between daily life in the States or in Europe. Of course, there are different Laws, a slightly different political system but hey, we also got electricity, broadband and cars… I wish a lot of you guys would take a journey to visit germany. I went to the States for 8 months during a stundent exchange. I lived with a classical middle-class family and all I can say is that there is no stuff i couldnt get in germany… except for lucky charms.. damn the german cerial-industrie.
Americans and Brits are always complaining and making jokes about Germany. I wonder why, because i never saw a German comming to the States and complaining about theire stupidity… (i know, not every american is the same, there are stupid and intelligent ones, just like in Germany and the rest of the world.)
Our people made a horrible mistake 60 years ago. I’m 21 now, i cant change history and i never would do. I just cant understand, why you guys are blaming us for things our grandfathers did. We all know about our burden to make sure things like this will never happen again. And we carry it and care about it.
Greets,
Kreml
And dont worry about such a crap magazine like “stern”. It is known as one of the worst german papers out there 😉