Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars
Honda is piddling themselves with joy over the pending release of their latest hybrid version of the Accord. Unfortunately, the new Accord does NOT run on piddle, so it’s not as good of a deal as you might think.
What IS a “hybrid” car, exactly? Well, it’s a car that runs partly on gas, partly on electricity, and mostly on the weed-fevered fantasies of filthy hippies who think that spending $5000 to get an extra 2 mpg is actually a bargain because it enhances the self-esteem of spotted owls.
Or something.
Anyway, I assume that everyone else is as ignorant of this whole “hybrid” craze as I am, and I want to keep it that way by presenting (in the extended entry) these:
- Because of their sleek, aerodynamic design, a hybrid can be used to bulls-eye womp rats, or any other animal that’s not much bigger than two meters.
- A hybrid should always be driven at 85 mph. That way if it looks like you’re about to have an accident, you can simply increase your speed to 88 mph, travel back in time, and avoid the situation entirely.
- Although hybrids are packed with advanced technological features, they do NOT float on water. That would be a “hydrofoil”.
- Keep that in mind if Ted Kennedy wants to borrow your new hybrid.
- Hybrids do, however, come with a sophisticated Global Positioning System array, so if Ted DOES get his hands on your car, you can call down a S.M.I.T.E.-strike on him.
- The mileage on most hybrids is far less than the estimated mpg listed on the sticker. Car companies avoid liability on this issue by including the legal disclaimer, “Just kidding!”
- Not all hybrids are cars. Generally, a “hybrid” is something of mixed origin that functions better than its separate component parts. For illustration, consider that “Sammy Sosa” = “Steroids” + “Sammy So-So”.
- Technically, Vanilla Coke is also a hybrid, since it’s of mixed origin, even though it doesn’t say “Just kidding!” on the can.
- In a battle between Aquaman and a hybrid, Aquaman’s tights would inflate rapidly, like an airbag.
- This does NOT mean that he’s just happy to see you.
- The first attempt to create a hybrid car was when the Ford Motor Company attempted to mate Seabiscuit with a Model A. Unfortunately, Seabiscuit burned his willy on the exhaust pipe and the project was terminated.
- Toyota’s first hybrid – the Prius – was the result of a successful mating between Seattle Slew and a Corolla. Turns out that the CORRECT hole was under the gas cap.
- Hybrid cars run on a special fuel that’s a combination of gasoline, ethanol, and Scooby Snacks.
- Which is why they make a “Scooby-Dooby-Doo!” sound when you start them.
- Hybrids use Nickel-Metal-Hydride (NiMH) batteries, which are highly radioactive and will give you superpowers if you eat them.
- Or possibly kill you. Hard to say. Radioactivity is a fickle mistress.
- A NiMH battery can be charged an infinite number of times unless eaten or drowned by a Kennedy
- Again, don’t let Ted borrow your car.
- If you have a hybrid, most states will allow you to use the carpool lanes on their freeways because NiMH batteries are considered sentient beings.
- Yeah, that was a Massachusetts Supreme Court decision. How’d ya guess?
- The batteries in hybrids are recharged by driving them around in thunderstorms and getting hit by lightning.
- If the outside temperature falls below 0 degrees F., your hybrid will shatter into a million pieces. However, like the T-1000, it can re-assemble itself after it warms up.
- The next advancement in automotive technology – hydrogen fuel-cell powered cars – will hit the market in 10 to 20 years. Or a week after you finally buy a hybrid for yourself, whichever comes first.
If you think you know something else about hybrids, you’re a damn liar, but leave it in the comments anyway.
I can’t lie. I know nothing about it. You win – this time!
Much like the mongoose, a hybrid car can kill a venemous cobra… sometimes.
“What IS a “hybrid” car, exactly? Well, it’s a car that runs partly on gas, partly on electricity, and mostly on the weed-fevered fantasies of filthy hippies who think that spending $5000 to get an extra 2 mpg is actually a bargain because it enhances the self-esteem of spotted owls”.
That made me laugh so hard my spleen hurts!
Most hybrid civics get less than 5 mpg more than the regular 4-banger civic, which is where the criticism comes from.
Sammy Sosa: you forgot the corked bats!
I think hybrids are the way to go, moreso than hydrogen cells. Because even with hydrogen cells, you have to pollute to get the engergy into them.
But also, “hindenburgh!”
“Radioactivity is a fickle mistress.” HA!
Why dont we just go for nuclear-powered cars? Imagine how sweet it would be if you only had to get fuel once every two years, and it would be this little dime-sized ball of metal that costs you $50 or something.
Imagine the horsepower of nuclear cars! VVRRRRMMMMM!!!
Personally, I’m holding out for the flying cars.
Personally, I don’t think Hybrid Cars are THAT evil. I mean, bring up Ted Kennedy, yet he’s never used a hybrid car to drown anyone. Score one for the Prius.
Okay, not the Prius. That’s a sissy car. >Personally, I don’t think Hybrid Cars are THAT evil. I mean, bring up Ted Kennedy, yet he’s never used a hybrid car to drown anyone. Score one for the Prius.
Okay, not the Prius. That’s a sissy car. ><
“he’s never used a hybrid car to drown anyone”
Yet… :-/
And no the secret of NIMH has nothing to do with wars between rats and mice.
Adam
anonymous if you’d read the link as compared to 29 city / 37 highway mpg, vs. 21 city / 30 highway mgp for the standard. In what region of the country is that 30 or 40? Maybe you should read the link before spouting off at the mouth.
I hate stupid hate filled lefties.
Seabiscuit burned his willy on the exhaust pipe .. Thats good stuff.
Nice work Harvey
An aquaintance of mine bought a Prius. He lives in a large city, Dallas, and seldom drives in the country on high speed roads. He’s extremely happy with the milage. So happy that a suburban relative got the fever and bought one, trouble is that owner drives the freeways and is very disappointed.
The break even speed seems to be in the forty MPH range. If most of one’s driving is at around 40 or below then a hybrid may well make sense.
Sorry, Harv, I don’t have any funny about those cars this morning.
Bah, Adam beat me to it… with all the talk of NiMH, I was expecting a crack about rats.
Oh, MPG……
… I kept reading it like “mpeg,” and I was like “what?”
In any collision between a Prius and a 76 Charger, the owner of the Charger might need to re-polish the chrome on his bumper. (true story)
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Nobody knows what happened to the Prius.
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Fewer cared.
I hope Yugo comes out with a hybrid. Then I can get more play out of my Paul Shanklin music.
Don’t be dissin’ Yugos.
My nephew owns one. Just for the bragging rights.
Believe it or not, it’s a nice little car with good pick-up. The only 2 drawbacks are that spare parts are hard to find, and there’s no glove compartment.
Seriously – no freakin’ glove compartment.
The Accord Hybrid is more of a performace upgrade than a gas milage thing, those things fly. 255 hp V6 + 0-1000 rpm torque of a DC motor. My Civic Hybrid is getting 46 mpg close to the EPA rating. I just wanted the gas milage didn’t care about the ULEV status. Damn salesman keep pushing that and I keep telling him I did care he looked confused.
That should be didn’t care sorry
Of course, now all the kids have to figure out how to slap a big-ass, obnoxious, coffee-can looking muffler on a battery! And then take them silly little wheels off and put spinner caps on.
Another fact you missed:
Contrary to popular belief, the difficulty in achieving time travel in a hybrid comes neither from trying to reach 88 mph in a 4000-lb vehicle pushed by a 133-hp engine, nor from a lack of flux capacitor (in fact almost all cars manufactured since 1978 have included a flux capcitor, located in the glove compartment — sorry, Yugo owners!). Instead, the primary barrier is in trying to produce the one-point-twenty-one jiggawatts that everyone knows is required to power the flux capacitor.
In addition, few know that there has been only one documented case in which a hybrid owner has reportedly travelled through time (most attempts to be struck by lightning at 88 mph end rather spectacularly). On August 14, 2003, Filbert Bondurant — a Senior Line Technician for AEP — tapped into the primary feed for the Conesville,
OH plant, ran 1000 meters of high-capacity insulated copper wire to his 2002 Honda Insight and raced away from the plant at maximum acceleration. Eyewitnesses report that shortly before the 1000-meter cable reached it’s end, the cable was illuminated by a bright arc of extremely high-voltage electricity, and the vehicle appeared to be consumed in a bright flash, accompanied by a loud bang and a brief plume of smoke. Although all useful evidence was destroyed in the event, eyewitness Cletus Branch had this to offer:
“Wahl, it shore dindn’t look like he was gettin’ ‘er up to no 88 mials per hour, but seeins how he ain’t here no more, we figger he musta been kicked straight back inta last week.”