It was recently announced that Russia will be selling nuclear fuel to the Iranians for use in the Bushehr nuclear power plant. This is making a lot of folks uneasy, since – given Iran’s track record – many fear that this will lead to a sudden release of radioactive material after 444 days and a failed rescue attempt.
Personally, I consider these fears overblown, and I think they’re merely the result of the general level of appalling ignorance regarding nuclear power in general. People simply fear what they don’t understand. Fortunately for IMAO readers, I served for 4 years on board a nuclear powered aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise – CVN 65), which makes me eminently qualified to shed some much-needed light on the topic (in the extended entry) by pulling out of my magic ass the following:
* The first controlled nuclear chain reaction took place in Chicago in 1942, and ushered in a new era of cheap, sustainable electric power and protests by filthy hippies.
* Coal- and oil-fired power plants burn “fossil fuels” which come from the remains of prehistoric dinosaurs. By contrast, nuclear power plants burn radioactive dinosaurs like Godzilla and Rodan.
* Just kidding. The TRUE source of nuclear power is a mysterious green ooze found in New York sewers.
* No, wait… That’s TURTLE power. Nevermind.
* There have been no recorded deaths in the United States from nuclear power plants. This is due to stringent operational procedures and the fact that the safety records keep getting vaporized by atomic fireballs.
* No, NOT the candy.
* Nuclear waste can be safely and permanently disposed of by transporting it in Ted Kennedy’s car.
* The source of nuclear power is nuclear fission – the result of subatomic particles coming together energetically. It should only be done by particles who love each other very much and have had their union blessed by the Church.
* The result of fission is the creation of numerous, smaller, high-energy, subatomic particles called “neutrons”, or – if the union hasn’t been blessed by the Church – “bastardons”.
* When most Americans think of nuclear power, they think of Russia’s horrific Chernobyl disaster. However, it’s not a fair comparison, because – unlike safety-conscious American reactor operators – Commies can’t hold their liquor.
* In a battle between Aquaman and a nuclear power plant… wellllll… let’s just say that it’d be like a battle between a hamster and a microwave.
* Despite the massive amounts of radiation released in the accident at Three Mile Island, recent studies have found that it was actually less damaging to human beings than exposure to a Half-Time wardrobe malfunction.
* As a nuclear power plant ages, constant exposure to radiation causes the surrounding containment structure to become weak and brittle, like the bones of the elderly. To avoid this problem, modern reactor containment systems are constructed only with the bones of young children.
* If a nuclear power plant bites you, you become an evil, mindless, flesh-eating zombie, just like in that movie, “Lady and the Tramp”.
* BRAAAAAAAINS…
* Which, speaking from personal experience, isn’t NEARLY as bad as it sounds.
* Except for the whole “being owned by Disney” part,
Anyway, if you’re aware of any important nuclear power plant information that I’ve overlooked, please feel free to leave… your… sweet… sweet… braaaaaains… in the comments.
first.
now on to reading
Fission is the splitting of atoms; fusion is combining atoms together, jackass!
Other than that, great job, Harv.
And these are different from KTE how š
The neutron and nucleus have to hit each other for fission to occur. Thus 2 subatomic particles coming together. They divorce themselves faster than JLo though.
Good job Harvey, but you forgot about the SUPER POWERS. Radiation is one of the major, oldschool ways to gain super powers! So, if you’ve ever wanted to fly just get irradiated. If you want to breath underwater and talk to fish just be obnoxious and self-absorbed. š
Irradiation is the key to gaining awesome superpowers.
I hope we build more nuclear plants so more people can have the joy of being superheros.
But not too many, because all the cool powers will be taken, and then people will have to settle for such powers as, “The Amazing ability to sort a file cabinet by paper width in 1.5 seconds”
And no one wants to read his adventures.
Bah! I didn’t need radiation to get my superpowers.
Frank – first of all, I’m a rabbit, not a jackass.
Second: “And these are different from KTE how?”
Nuclear power is our FRIEND, not our enemy.
That, and I don’t try to make T-shirts out of MY lists š
100% preshrunk cotton. YOU BUY NOW!
How come Jack didn’t call Auquafish when the camel humpers tried to melt down the reactors in the latest episodes of “24”?
now thats comedy!
You must be a young ‘un to call the Enterprise “CVN-65.” When I was a nuclear reactor operator on her during the Viet Nam war, her designation was CVAN-65.
It is interesting, though, to see how little people still know or understand about fission. Your assignment for today, look up the meaning of “reactor scram” and be sure to be able to explain the acronym SCRAM.
BTW: Want to see a pretty picture of the Big E?
Some nuclear power plants are owned by crotchety old men named Mr. Burns.
Ummmm….
It’s spelled nucular. President Bush says so.
No, it’s spelled nuclear. It’s -pronounced- nucular.
Just as a heads-up… TMI released almost no radiation at all. You could’ve done something amusing but true about how coal plants dumps more radioactive waste into the environment than nuclear accidents do.
You pretty much get more radiation from living in a brick house than you would from living in a nuclear plant (at least if you were outside the reactor).
[All bricks are mildly radioactive.]
CVN 65,CVAN 65..Hell the truth be told she was going to be NCC 1701 but that, TV show took the name first…Damn commies.
I can’t believe I’m being nit-picked on “facts” that I pulled out of my MAGIC ASS!
You persnickity commenters need to spend more time playing violent video games and less time studying nuclear physics š
Oh, and Scaramonga:
Super Critical Reactor Axe Man š
Your turn – what’s CRUD stand for?
Scary picture of the Pig, too. That beehive island was replaced by the boxy K-car version LONG before I reported aboard in ’87.
SCRAM – Safety Control Rod Axe Man
You’re wrong about that Super Critical thing. Do you know what Super Critical means? I doubt it.
CRUD – Chalk River Undetermined Deposits.
Anybody knows that.