Catholics are happy with the new Pope, Benedict the XVI, and liberals are hopping mad. They say things like, “Why him?”, and “Nazi” and “Why did they have to choose somebody so religious?”
Now Pope John Paul II kicked butt. The people loved him.
**
Central Message: Do not be afraid. Life is precious.
Celebrated Mass by: Celebrating Mass
Pro :Delivered the Gospel to the four corners of the earth.
Con: Should have spoken more English
Verdict: A good and faithful servant.
**
This got me to thinking — WHO WOULD THE LEFT CHOOSE?
Let’s run through the list of candidates.
Papal Candidate: Barbra Streisand
Central Message: People who need people
Celebrates Mass by: Performing at concerts with overpriced tickets.
Pro: Her pro-abortion pro choice platform. Her high standing in the homosexual community. Her ability to look wonderful with appropriate lighting.
Con: Insists that God perform as her opening act. Also, female but you can hardly tell. Some say she’s Jewish, but so was Jesus.
Verdict: Good potential. Could be the first Pope to go Double Platinum.
Papal Candidate:John Kerry
Central Message: I served in Vietnam
Celebrates Mass by: Reminding people that there is a God but that he probably never served in Vietnam.
Pro: Although technically married, as pope, he could always get an annulment and wipe his record clean -like he did with his war record. Pro-choice. Birth control poster child.
Con: Pope Kerry could be the first pope in church history to reverse every single policy in Church history. And then change back again. Also must factor in Swift Boat Catholics for Truth.
Verdict: Help is not on the way.
Papal Candidate: Jesse Jackson
Central Message: Are the cameras on?
Celebrates Mass by: Reading the book of John and rhyming every verse. “In the beginning was the Word, have you heard? Tell a bird.”
Pro: May actually – at one point in his life -have read the Holy Bible. Would bring affirmative action to the Papacy.
Con: The church could afford to support him and his wife. However, there would be the additional burden of supporting his mistress.
Verdict: Good potential. Consider.
Papal Candidate: Bill Clinton
Central Message: How YOU doin’?
Celebrates Mass by: Holding a Passover BBQ Pool Party and chasing interns.
Pro: Loved by liberals everywhere. Pro Choice. Pro Birth Control. Already used to adoring throngs everywhere he goes. Sorority outreach programs.
Con: Neither Bill nor Hillary appear to be Catholic. Also, the Clintons’ deal with Satan might be a conflict of interest.
Verdict: We’d have the first Papal Declaration with a centerfold. We feel his love.
Papal Candidate: Satan
Central Message: Do what you want. Who’s gonna know?
Celebrates Mass by: selling “I had an abortion” t-shirts.
Pro: As a fallen angel, he knows all that religious stuff. He’s Pro Choice. He’s cool with the gay thing. Heck, if it feels good — just do it.
Con: Deal with Hillary might be a conflict of interest. Tends to hold conventions in very sordid places like Purgatory, Hell and Las Vegas.
Verdict: WINNER!! Hey, what’s not to love?
**
So there you have it. After having run through all the potential candidates — we finally have one that the Left would truly love and respect.
Remember this when you hear them whine about having a Pope that’s too religious. Hey, Benedict XVI won’t live forever.
Let the campaigning begin!
first
third…
I nominate Pope Michael Moore.
Central Message: “I love America. I’m doing this because I want to see it improve.” “America has possibly the stupidest people in the world.”
Celebrated mass by: Eating cheesy poofs
Pro: Has the potential to expose American liberals, Hollywood types, and the French to religion for the first time.
Con: There’s a rumor going around that he’s a socialist atheist.
Very funny without being tasteless (and I’m Catholic).
In the Bill Clinton section, should “adoring throngs” have been “adorning thongs”?
okay as a gay conservative, i take a lot of bashing and grief. I like bush because he’s dedicated to making the gay thing a none issue. It would have been nice for him therefore not to make it such a big ticket items for the election and help get the hetero marriage bill passed in my state but i let that slide because the people of the state were the ones that did it. but just because someone is nice to gays doesn’t mean you have to bash them for it. I like this website and i think it’s funny but seriously can you please cut back on judging people as to whether or not their nice to gays? i know this is a comedy website and it’s all in fun and maybe i’m just getting over sensitive (yeah yeah) I just wanted to get that off my chest
What about Osama Bin Laden for Pope?
Central Message: Peace and love for Arab males, death to infidels.
Celebrates Mass: Delegates authority to angry young Muslims to “share his message” in subways, discos, and crowded restaurants.
Pro: Would appeal to a demographic which has been historically antagonistic to Catholicism.
Con: Difficult to wrap a turban into a tall sharp point.
Verdict: Probably not yet ready for the papacy, but Bill Clinton will appoint him cardinal, along with Kim Jong Il, Janet Reno, and Zacarias Moussaoi.
Well said Tim.
We can all sleep peacefully knowing Glenn’s plan to be elected Pope was foiled.
Pope Instantus I (aka Glenn Reynolds) would have been an interesting Pope. His daily encyclicals on http://www.instapope.com would have changed the church in profound ways. From Puppy Blender Euchrists and the sacrifice of hobos things would have been wierd. Even worse Glenn would have finally been able to force the surrender of the great frank j!
Has anyone been to http://www.Kingmandomains.com??? That site rocks…..super cheap, and hard-core republican!
Why do liberals ask that we not forget the past history of people when it comes to conservatives and or Christians.
Example #1: Arnold Swartzenager had premarital sex and also groped women when he was young, dumb, and full of ___(fill in blank)!
Example #2: George Bush is not fit to be President because he used the National Gaurd to avoid Vietnam!
Example #3: Pope Benedict XVI was a Nazi when he was a teen.( I’m sure he had not much of a choice)
But, when it is a liberal we need to forgive and forget.
Example #1: Bill Clinton had extra-marital sex with a young intern while as an adult ocupied the oval office, but why should this interfere with his actual duties as President. Lets moveon.org and get with the real issues.
Example #2: Bill Clinton was only exercising his rights when going to Oxford University during the Vietnam war. Besides I don’t see that it is an advantage that someone serve in the Armed Forces to be President. Although John Kerry would of made an extrordinary President because he served in Vietnam.
Example #3: Yes John Kerry did meet with the enemy, lead protests against the American Government, and threw his (or someones) metals over the White House fence, but I’m sure we all did things when we were young, that today as we are older, we would not choose the same path.
I’m confused as to how this all makes sense to some.
“Deal with Hillary might be a conflict of interest” was my favorite line.
What about Ted Kennedy? I hear he’s Catholic.
Tim
you are absolutely right.
You ARE being oversensitive.
Keep reading. If I say something that offends, take heart, the very next joke is sure to offend someone else.
Glad to have to have you here.
I apologize for the “first” thing I got excited.
The Jesse Jackson was the funniest I think.
Other benefits to Satan:
As they say, “Better the Devil you know…”
Clinton would also be good, since his influence would help contradict societies emphasis on the outward appearance, especially the idea that you must be thin & beautiful to be desireable.
The ended up picking “the Popes Enforcer”, which led me to imagine what kind of priest would be called The Enforcer™
Sorry to be a pill Rightwing, i love your humor and most days have a thick enough skin to laugh at myself and the whole insane edifice that we live in. other days i just read up on which state decided that i’m a freak of nature or how i’d ruin morale if i gotto fight for my country and i just want to scream. thanks for giving me a place to laugh and i just wanted to tell you i appreciate it andto keep it up.
I liked this man yesterday…and my first impression was confirmed this morning when I read the rantings of the left! I’m protestant and I love this Pope! Love the line about Hillary’s deal with Satan!
Hey…the new Pope is the guy that wrote the memo to the US Bishops last year about Catholics that run for office but favor abortion…should be refused communion. Do you think he can issue something more strict now that he’s Pope…like a Zapping from Heaven?
You left out Willy friggin’ Nelson!
Tell me Willy wouldn’t be the Left’s perfect pope.
Tim,
I’m with you! Thanks for your thoughts. Although I’m not gay, I agree with what you said. I guess that makes me a bad conservative. I actually don’t have a problem with what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. (Closet libertarian?) Just as you’re tired of people being judged as to whether they’re gay or not, I’m tired of having the pro-gay agenda being shoved down our throats everyday. I’m sick of the politics on both sides, basically. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. Basically, do whatever you want in your own home, but quit trying to make the rest of us accept it. Obviously this doesn’t apply directly to you, just the agenda (on both sides) in general.
trust me leuthan there is no agenda, no secret memos, no gradute classes in fashion and hairstyling. just a horrible sense of being punished for something we don’t control. trust me i wouldn’t be gay if i had the choice, i don’t know anyone that would make that choice. if anything i’m cutting down my dating pool. I know it gets shoved in peoples faces but i don’t write tv scripts, i only write to my congressman and i never force anyone to like me because i think they have to. In fact when i tell my friends or the people that need to know i do it telling them i think it’s their right to decide whether or not i should be around their kids or hang out with them. and so maybe i’m just a bit protective of the few people that look me in the eye and treat me like a full person. sorry guys i’ve just had a hard few weeks and it’s surprising i raised the issue here at all. thanks for talking about it, Leuthan, just make it a non issue it’s really easy and it makes guys like me a lot happier, you have no idea how many gay guys just want to go out with their straight buddies drink a few beers tell crazy stories about the guy or girl that drove them wild and shoot some darts or play pool. i have three friends that do that for me and i’d do anything to keep them.
Look at that – Prom gowns for the marys. See what they attract?
Sorry (nah – I aint really) – I have NO compassion for fags. I lost any compassion I might have had when I discovered that both of my young sons have been molested by a “gay” sonofabitch “friend” of the family who was trying to “help them” to “experience their sexuality” and “not be afraid,” to “not be repressed.”
What’s a pre-teen and an early teen got to be sexually repressed about that some FAGGOT thinks he can fix? Who do these people think they are that they believe my children and others should be just like them? F-ing PERVERTS want to reshape the laws of nature and morality to fit their own aberrant, dysfunctional and SICK reality, and then recruit others so they themselves might come to feel “less vulnerable” amid greater ranks, might find some temporary solace in the “acceptance” of a VICTIM.
I’ve seen it before – young men encouraging younger men and boys to join them – seducing them to “welcome” their alleged “gay orientation.”
Kiss my ass… Strike that, you piece of shit. I’ll bash you with a shovel if you even LOOK at my ass. I’ll do worse if you even think of looking at my sons WHO ARE NOW VICTIMS, thank you very much.
Hate speech? You’re DAMNED RIGHT! I think I am entitled. On behalf of my sons, I’d like to invite all you fags to GO STRAIGHT TO HELL. Prom gown is optional.
Wait, here’s an afterthought: Perhaps you can gather in groups of 72 and masquerade as virgins for your terrorist bretheren. Yeah, that’s right – MORAL TERRORISTS you are, weilding the ACLU like a 757 packed with our children. I’m sick of all this moral relativism being crammed down our throats by Gay activism, Rainbow Marches, Gay Pride Days, school condom distribution, “tolerance” added to elementary curriculums, the entertainment industry’s countless f-ing vehicles like “Will and Grace” and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” for crying out loud!
When being gay is not a (morally fractured) CHOICE, it’s a DEFECT, an ABERRATION. If you say being homosexual is “genetic,” my answer is, “So is Downs Syndrome.” I’ll pity you, maybe even give you your own Special Gay Olympics where everybody medals in the Macy’s Window Design event, but celebrate and embrace the life you live and lap-up the smut you peddle in the entertainment industry and in attempted social reforms? Should I feel guilty for not welcoming you into my family to ply and persuade and molest my children? Guess again. I’m done with compassion for your kind. I’m getting my shovel.