Relax It Wasn’t Me

Space Monkey Seized
Though, when I first read the headline, I’ll admit I was a bit disoriented. I didn’t recall being seized. What was going on here? Was I taken by surprise by some cowardly animal control agents?
I assumed maybe, I’d been tranq’ed which might explain my not remembering. But when I finally realized I wasn’t groggy, my suroundings were familar. And I finished reading the rest of the article it dawned on me,
I was safe,
at least,

for now.

Thanks to Ed Flinn at Monkey Watch for the heads up.

A Tenderly Dedicated Poetical Ode to the Peculiar and Unpredictable Nuances of Political Speech as Occasionally Put Forth by the Former Governor of Vermont and Current DNC Chair, Howard Dean

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Howard Dean, a man insane
Earthworms crawling through his brain
Stood himself upon a stage
And sputtered loony words of rage.
“Republicans are filthy hogs!
Into blenders they put dogs!
Never work those honest jobs,
Sleep all day and dress like slobs!”
“Lazy! Shiftless! Liars, too!
Never bathe! They smell like poo!
They hate gays! Won’t let them wed!
They starve old folks ’til they’re dead!”
“Torture children! (call it “spanking”)
CPS we should be thanking!
Kill the poor and steal their cars!
Say rude things to movie stars!”
“Foul the air! Pollute the skies!
Pull the wings off butterflies!
Drive big trucks! Use too much gas!
Keep the sick from buying grass!”
Appoint black judges! Women too!
My God! What’s next? A freakin’ Jew?
Hiring Hispanics left and right!
(Yet still their party’s WAY too white!)
“Christian bigots! Muslim haters!
Rob the Irish of their taters!
Gulag runners! Women beaters!
Evil Nazis! Baby eaters!”
“I just want them all to die!
Then they’ll go to hell and fry!”
(… deep, cleasing breath…)
Now I’m going home to blog
Vote Democrat in ’06 –
YEAAAAAAAGGGH!

Dick Durbin is a Dick!

Look at this quote from Senator Dick Durbin on the Senate floor last night:

On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold. ….. On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor.

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime–Pol Pot or others–that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners.

Yeah, I remember the horror stories of the lack of air conditioning in the Nazi concentration camps (who wants to bet my brother in Iraq is dealing with hotter weather right now in his un-air conditioned tank?). Pol Pot, though, loved to turn up on the AC on his dissenters, that monster! Oh, and then there was the notorious use of the Notorious B.I.G. in the Soviet gulags.
I’m sorry; not only is this nuts for a Senator – a U.S. Senator – to say, but it would even be exceptional on the Democratic Underground. Some Republican Senator needs to show resolve and smack Durbin around the Senate floor until he gets some sense to him. Or we can send him to a gulag in North Korea to listen to rap music in an overly air conditioned room.
(Heard this from Rush Limbaugh who heard it from a caller who heard it from Laura Ingraham; got text from The American Thinker. Why isn’t this lunacy getting more press?)

Need Money for Marriage!

Due to popular demand (well, one person asked), the button for giving a gift to the wedding of me to the lovely and talented SarahK is now on the left sidebar.

Not Kofi!

No! Now there are new questions about Kofi being involved with bribery because of an e-mail, but I can’t believe he could be involved in such things. Yes, his son Kojo is a no goodnik, but I just can’t imagine Kofi is corrupt. It would just darken my whole world view.
I new Kofi since I was a kid. We’d always play catch in the park. Also, we did this fun game where he’s secretly give me an envelope and then I’d deliver to some men in suits at the other side of the park. And then me, my brother, my sister, and Kofi would play tag. Sometimes Carter would show up, and I’d beat him with a whiffle ball bat until he revealed the nuclear launch codes. He was no longer president, so it was all in good fun.
My Mom didn’t like me hanging out with Kofi, but she just worried too much. She didn’t know Kofi like I did and how’d he bring boxes of foreign aid over to the park for me and my friends to snack on. Strangely, my dog always growled at Kofi, and she never growled at anyone. “Stop trying to bite Kofi!” I’d have to yell at her. My dad’s opinion on the whole matter was that I should fetch him a beer from the fridge.
Anyway, I just can’t believe Kofi is corrupt and would abuse his power. Sure, he once strangled a man in front of me, but I’m pretty sure he was a bad man.
Oh, those wistful summer days hanging out in the park with Kofi; I wouldn’t trade them for all the oil in the world.

The Deadliest Place on Earth

SarahK and I (who now have season passes to Disney World) had just recently been on that ride the boy died on yesterday. It’s a mission to Mars simulator where Gary Sinise of Forest Gump and Apollo 13 fame plays mission control, and, at no point he told me I risked death. I tend to trust him since he plays a no nonsense Marine on CSI: NY. I had fun, but one woman (you go in groups of four) wasn’t hitting her buttons at the appropriate moments and risked the entire mission.
After the ride, SarahK felt a bit queasy and had to sit down. To me, it was about as intense as a rocking chair (a good rocking chair).
Anyway, they’ve already reopened the ride. Maybe the Epcot center can now start selling “I survived Mission: Space” t-shirts.
Oh, and apropos to nothing, you know how they make Mickey the central character of everything at Disney? But, has anyone in the history of time ever said, “Mickey is my favorite Disney character!”? I mean, he has like no defined personality, and even Pluto is at least ten times more interesting.
If one day it’s revealed the Mickey is a serial killer, I would not be that surprised. After all this time of seeing him, I know nothing about him and anything is possible with that overgrown mouse.

I Read Every One of Your Comments and Don’t Charge Anything

A few notes and asides:
The IMAO Gun Safety Shirt will be shipping soon, so make sure to place your order. Part of all proceeds of all IMAO shirts goes towards the “Not Have Frank J. Horribly in Debt After His Wedding” fund.
If you want a free t-shirt, you’re running out of time to enter the podcast contest. Every week, will pick one e-mail to be the winner of a free t-shirt (thanks to ThoseShirts.com for sponsoring this). So send us some good comments or questions to the e-mail in the podcast (and I’m not listing the e-mail address here to keep it from getting spammed).
We’re busy at work on the fourth podcast. Please keep giving us constructive criticism as we continue to retool, and vote for us here so we can begin to take over the podcasting world. All you need is a valid e-mail to confirm your vote. You don’t want our goon squad to come after you.
Be honorable, ronin.

U.S. Senate Apologizes to Dead People for Not Making Murder Illegal Enough

Washington D.C – Senator Mary Landrieu (D – LA) was the proud sponsor of a recently passed non-binding resolution apologizing to victims of lynchings for not passing Federal anti-lynching legislation.
“It’s the least we could do,” said Sen. Landrieu, “these dead people need to hear that it’s the Senate’s fault – in a non-binding way, of course – that they’re dead. I mean, if killing someone would’ve broken two laws instead of just one, none of this ever would’ve happened.”
“She sho’nuff got dat right,” said James Cameron, an African-American who survived an attempted lynching in 1930. “Dey was gonna hang me between two other colored boys, but den I says to ’em, “Y’all don’ wants to be lychin’ me! Dem Senators up in Washington, I hear tell dey done passed dem a anti-lynchin’ bill! Y’all be breakin’ TWO laws if’n ya hangs me!””
Terrified at the prospect, Cameron’s attackers let him go.
“Dey was all scared and wettin’ dey pants!” chuckled Cameron. “Dey din’t knows dat I just be lyin’ to ’em to gets ’em to let me go.”
“Dumb-ass crackas!”
When asked if the Senate has plans to make future meaningless non-apologies to people for not doing things that wouldn’t have made a damn bit of difference anyway, Sen. Landrieu replied with optimism.
“In the future we hope to apologize to Senator Robert Byrd for not passing a law to keep him from getting senile.” said Landrieu.
Currently there has been no word on whether the Senate intends to apologize to Michael Moore for letting Twinkies make him fat.