(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.
Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.
I checked it out – $50 per month per terrorist. That’s some sweet cash!
So I figured I’d make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, “Harv’s House O’ Happy Hebrew-Haters”. All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I’d make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I’d had my eye on.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, but – as you can tell from the security tape excerpts in the extended entry – it… could’ve gone better…
Archive of entries posted on 22nd June 2005
We Are Powerful and Our Enemies Are Weak
This post from Kos made me realize that we, the right-wing bloggers, haven’t quite gloated enough at the success of the right-wing noise machine which we are becoming a bigger part of. As soon as I heard Durbin’s remarks, I knew he would end up running away with his tail between his legs… and we would force him to it! Still, all the left-wing blogs supported Durbin’s remarks, but, despite Kos having even more traffic than Instapundit, the left-wing blogs are weak and impotent. We, though, are the powerful and can get any result we desire! Everyone stop and gloat in the comments about our power while mocking our enemies.
Now, to test our power, I think we should see if we can make a groundswell of anger against something a Democrat says that’s completely uncontroversial. Any ideas who to target? Preferably someone who is normally not in the news so it will come completely out of left-field. Let’s put the fear of God in them!
UPDATE: I think we should identify who is the most undistinguished Democrat Congressman and attack him or her. That would make the best test. Any idea who that would be? I guess, in theory, it should be someone you aren’t able to name off the top of your head.
UPDATE2: I have heard of this Senator, but she seems innocuous enough. Now I need a totally uncontroversial recent statement she’s made that we can demand an apology for.
Sometimes Problems Solve Themselves
Apparently, insurgents are now killing each other. I think this is a good idea. They should be killed, but it saves us time and ammo if they do it themselves. I hope this meme spreads. Maybe the oppressive Iran regime can fight the oppressive North Korean regime (“Poofy beards! Not poofy hair!”) and kill each other off. What would be really cool if suicide bombers turned on each other. Then we might have bomb-laden cars having head on collisions with other bomb-laden cars. That there is entertainment!
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
There’s a comedy carnival coming to town.
But are you part of it?
Will you be one of the people who say
Well, you can’t blame me for not telling you!
Or you might be one of the people who are afraid to enter because you think you aren’t funny. You are probably right. You probably suck.
Well, you might suck. But enter anyway. This time I think we should have an open discussion about the quality of the entries.
Not just “that post sucked” or “that post was great”, but real advice on what could be done to improve an entry. Perhaps you feel an entry was too funny and you think you need some form of compensation for your sides splitting open, which parts you are alleging to be comedicly injurious to you.
People like feedback and seeing that many comedy writers are, in fact, people or at the very least know people, this is something some of them might appreciate.
Tell us. We can take it, we’re like grown-ups and stuff. Some of us anyway.
So I dare you to enter the Carnival of Comedy.. I dare you.
Chicken. Yellow. Skeeerdycat.
Prayers for a Soldier
An Army Officer and fellow blogger was injured by an IED. He’s in stable condition, thank God, but please keep him and his family in your prayers.
Thank you, Chuck, for being out there and doing the work you do. I hope you know we are so sincerely grateful for all you have done.
Iraq is still a very dangerous place; I don’t write of everything I hear from my brother, but suffice to say our troops need God watching over them a lot of the time. If it’s not bombs targeting civilians, it’s specially placed IEDs to kill the troops. It gets me so mad some times, but there’s not much I can do. It’s people like Chuck and my brother who are out there helping settle the place and killing those bastards. God bless them all.
UPDATE: Chuck’s wife has an update on his condition plus a message for those who want to pull the troops out immediately.
In My World: Sign of the Times
“Hold the ladder steady, idiot!” Bush yelled as he waved his hammer.
“Shouldn’t other people be doing this?” Scott McClellan questioned as he tried to hold the ladder outside the entrance to the Senate chambers.
“If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself,” Bush answered as he continued his work. “I wonder if Durbin’s apology will have any effect on the crazies he stirred up?”
“Even one of their own Senators say they are like Nazis!” yelled one Muslim, “We are justified in killing the Americans and those who support them!”
The others Muslims nodded in angry agreement.
One Muslim came running up to the others. “Senator Dick Durbin apologized for his remarks!”
“Then it’s not true that the Americans are like Nazis!” said one.
“We’ve been misdirecting our anger all along,” said another.
“From now on, let’s love and support America,” proclaimed the head of the mob, “but, first, let’s head to McDonald’s and declare jihad… on our appetites!”
“You know, I spoke very forcefully against Sen. Durbin’s remarks,” Scott said proudly.
“Yeah, but no one listens to you, Tubby,” Bush answered as he continued hammering. “Now I just hope we can put this whole Gitmo debate behind us.”
The hooded figure or Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “Your poll numbers are down. This does not bode well.”
“So what, Rover?” Bush replied, “Not like I’m running for anything.”
“But we must keep people supporting you so they shall support all Republicans in turn. Then the Republican takeover can be complete and the prophecy fulfilled.”
“I don’t see why my poll numbers are dropping,” Bush said, “I’m a real likeable guy and…” Bush spotted someone walking by and quickly leaped down from the ladder and grabbed him, slamming him up against the wall. “Thought you could sneak by me, huh?” Bush yelled in anger.
“No! No!” Senator Frist replied.
Bush slammed his hammer into the wall right next to Frist’s head. “I want my up or down vote on Bolton! You hear me!”
“I’ll get it for you! I promise!”
“You better! Or I’ll just kill you and get myself a new Majority Leader in the Senate!”
Bush let go of Frist who quickly ran off. Bush then climbed back up the ladder. “As I was saying, I’m a likeable guy. Only people who are stupid and dumb would be against me. I think I’ll go on the air and say that. People don’t like being called stupid and dumb.” Bush then grumbled to himself, “I know I hate it.”
Rove sighed an unholy sigh and faded back into the shadows. Bush went back to work, but then stopped when he heard a strange noise. “What’s that?”
“Conyers had so much fun doing a mock impeachment hearing,” Scott explained, “that him and friends are now on the Capitol steps doing a full production of Rent.”
“Sometime I think I’m the only sane one here.” After a little bit more hammering, Bush climbed down the ladder to look at his work. Over the entrance to the Senate chambers was the sign, “NO CRYING ALLOWED.”
“So that’s it, then?” Scott asked.
“Yep,” Bush answered, “I thought it was important to get that up before the vote on Bolton. One more Senator crying, and no one will ever respect America again. That’s why I put this sign up… to help with our effort in the war!”
“Speaking of that,” Scott said, “there were some issues I know Condi wanted to discuss with you on…”
“Bah!” Bush interrupted, “That’s enough work for one day. Now let’s go goof-off and eat Doritos like a jailed dictator.”
Links!
D’oh! I knew there was something I forgot to link. It was Harvey’s blogiversary the other day.
While I’m at it, John Hawkins has a list of those screwing up America – one we bloggers vote on and one of his own.
If you have yet to read this, I pity you. Yeah, it’s now flogging a dead horse to link it now, but it is so hilarious.
I know I’m forgetting some stuff I meant to link to. Really, if you have something that you think needs linking on IMAO, you should probably e-mail someone other than me or SarahK as we’re just so busy. I really need to get the other bloggers’ e-mails up…
UPDATE: Here’s a link for Dr. Phat Tony so he doesn’t start crying like a U.S. Senator.
No, Virginia, We’re Not Nazis
I hope you’re all happy. You made Durbin cry.
I was in the “an apology isn’t enough” crowd, but to see him there eating all his words and defenses of his words has taken a bit of the wind out of me. Actually, it seem like we succeeded in neutering him. Perhaps he’ll have to give back his award.
Thanks go to Mayor Richard Daley for being the only prominent Democrat to codemn Durbin’s remarks. It’s probably notable that Daley’s son is in the Army.
In a somewhat related note, in a conference I’ll be attending soon I may have an opportunity to speak to George Clooney. Do you think I’d be crossing the line to tell him that the move Batman and Robin was worse than the Holocaust?
I liked Ocean’s 11, though.
Citizen Smash, who served in this war, has this to say.