Once I again, the doctor is here to make sure that all of the questions you have are answered for you.
Ask Dr. Duck – Part 2.
O say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light,What so proudly we hail’d at the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro’ the perilous fight,O’er the ramparts we watch’d, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro’ the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Posted by JoshG at July 8, 2005 11:14 AM
Okay. Weird question but I guess you have a lot on your mind.
Yes, I can see it.
Yes, they were gallantly streaming.
And Yes, that banner does wave. Hurray! Play ball.
**
Is Islam a gutter religion, or a mental disorder?
Posted by Purple Raider at July 8, 2005 11:16 AM
Yes, some of the followers of Islam do end up in the gutter, and on the walls, and on the windows– but that doesn’t make it a mental disorder. Actually, it does.
**
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?
Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip?
Posted by Steve L. at July 8, 2005 11:27 AM
I don’t know, but I’d like to thank the guy
Who wrote that song, after all, it made my baby fall in love with me.
**
What is your name?
What is your quest?
What… is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Posted by Masked Menace® at July 8, 2005 11:38 AM
Are these the next verses to the Rama lama ding dong song?
**
To go along with Steve L; Who wrote the book of love?
If who’s on first, then what’s on second?
If I make a silly face and some one hits me on the back, will it really get stuck that way?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony at July 8, 2005 11:38 AM
The book of love was written by Dr. Seuss. It was then burned for being heretical.
If who’s on first, then what’s on second. That’s RIGHT. But it’s not a question.
That question about the face brings back memories. Once, my army buddies and I went on a hunting trip. After we were done killing stuff, we sat around the campfire that night. While my friend Bill was making a face at the group and we were laughing it up– my buddy Dave nailed him in the back with an axe. Hahahahaha. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, Bill’s face did indeed stay that way, mostly because his family ended up using a budget funeral home. That reminds me, I should go hunting again.
**
Are we really who we think we are, or are we only figments of someone’s imagination?
Posted by tomintexas at July 8, 2005 11:52 AM
Well, I have a friend in Texas named Tom. I know there can’t possibly be TWO of you, so I think that you are indeed imagining yourself. So, try thinking about something else. Here, let me put this song in your head..
“Who put the bomp
In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong?”
**
Why are Liberals so closed-minded?
Posted by richard at July 8, 2005 11:57 AM
They have to be. If they opened their minds, what little they have would come plopping out.
**
Is there enough time to answer all these questions before the deadline?
Posted by Dr, Phat Tony at July 8, 2005 12:11 PM
Of course there is, we have plenty of ti–
Just kidding. Of course there is.
**
I have fantasies of flying large, liquefied deviled ham laden, spray equipped aircraft over Muslim infested areas, and pulling the trigger (as it were) whilst flying perfectly parallel patterns of pork product defilement.
Am I sick?
Posted by cwchute at July 8, 2005 12:12 PM
Only if you were to fly in little heart patterns. THAT would be weird.
I believe that your fantasies are healthy and normal. However, you might start to worry if in your dreams, your flight attendant is Al Franken in short shorts.
**
I’m planning on buying a revolver for fun. I’m deciding between a Colt and a Smith & Wesson. Here’s the problem: Colts are by far the best, but they run up in the thousands of dollars, while S&W is comparatively weak, but only costs a couple of hundred dollars. So, quality, or quantity?
Gunlord
Posted by gunlord at July 8, 2005 12:23 PM
Guns are boring. You should get an axe. Did I tell you about my last hunting trip?
**
You gave out my home address? The Warren commission never found me and now…man.
It is SO Duck huntin’ time.
Posted by spacemonkey at July 8, 2005 12:26 PM
Relax, I gave out a fake address. It’s not your real home address of 145 Stoneybrook Way. Stop being so insecure. Speaking of security the gate code is #1452*
**
How can I protect myself from obsessed union auto manufacturers?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony at July 8, 2005 12:28 PM
The good part about being threatened by union workers is that they’d probably do a substandard job. Whenever they threaten you, tell them it’s time for their break.
You should start to worry if the union decides to outsource their intimidation.
**
Did you get your doctorate from Sally Struthers like I did?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony at July 8, 2005 12:29 PM
Yes, my lunch too.
**
In Chicago hot dogs and hot dog buns now come in equal packages. There was a huge press release a few months ago, with tons of free hot dogs given out at Daley Plaza.
So Take THAT! Rest of the country!
Posted by Pluto’s Dad
You’re right. You got us good. There’s nothing I enjoy more on warm December day than sitting on my back porch in my shorts and grillin’ a hot dog. What are YOUR winters like again?
**
I have been listening to the Grammaphone Recordings of IMAO on my Difference Engine, and I must say they are stellar. What can we, as good citizens, do to make sure that every man, woman, and child in the world is given access to these recordings whether they want them or not?
Posted by chrth at July 8, 2005 01:22 PM
Your AOL philosophy might work. I recommend doing a test mailing of a couple of million households and seeing how it works out. We’ll reimburse you up to $25 dollars for the postage.
**
If a bird is flying west at 24mph and I am driving east at 76mph and we collide, who will suffer the most injury?
Posted by Tyler D at July 8, 2005 01:25 PM
YOU of course because you’re driving east. What’s up with that? I’ve seen the east. There’s nothing there but hurricanes and tornados. The bird was going west. It was smart — until it hit your car of course.
**
I recently used my S&W .357 Magnum for fun. How do I get blood out of the carpet?
Posted by Plea Deal at July 8, 2005 01:50 PM
It’s a tricky operation. I suggest you call for help on that one. Write down this phone number — 9-1-1. Tell them everything you did and they’ll send someone ‘to help’.
**
Another thing to consider about my revolver question. I’ve been planning a trip to Afghanistan to “take care” of some things. Which one will give me the most satisfaction while blowing out OBL’s kneecaps? Plus, what other weapons should I bring? I’ve got an SVD Dragnov so what could compliment that?
Gunlord
Posted by gunlord at July 8, 2005 02:31 PM
Good for you. Travels to Afghanistan are good for the economy. However, I need to make sure you are guided in the right direction. If you’re goal is to knock off OBL, I believe your best weapon would be a room service uniform.
Plug him one for me. This will not only make me feel a part of the process, it will become part of your insanity defense. “This one’s for the duck. The duck told me. I knew the duck was right.”
**
Dr,
I got the following error when trying to access my SQL server:
“An invalid file was specified 31020.”
What the duck happened???
Posted by Mr. Bubble at July 8, 2005 03:10 PM
I’ll cross reference my codes, but I believe it means that you’re gay. Sorry to tell you. Try rebooting. If that doesn’t work, try rebooting with a 3 inch stilleto heel.
**
How come all the Random Quotes are from over 2 years ago? Have there been no good quotes since May 2003?
Posted by chrth at July 8, 2005 03:36 PM
Great question. The reality is that all of this is a figment of your imagination. The quotes are just one of the many clues. It’s a like a surprise ending. Okay? Bye now.
Hmmm. I can’t seem to get this hall closet door open, almost as if there was some table there now that I can’t see.
**
Summer is finally upon us (in Seattle), which means one thing: baseball! Can you recommend a good baseball bat for beating hippies?
Posted by tomsmith at July 8, 2005 04:40 PM
Summer time in Seattle is a special time of year. Specifically, it’s 7 days a year. But still it’s very special.
Ah, bats.
This brings up the age old argument — wood or aluminum? But you know what, Tom? It’s not about the bat. It’s about technique. Don’t be shy about choking up on the bat. And remember — Follow through, follow through, follow through!!
**
A legal question. Is it still considered stalking if I confine my activities to daylight hours?
Posted by slapshot at July 8, 2005 04:45 PM
You know what you call somebody who stalks in the daylight? A beginner!
Come on, what’s up with that? If you’re going to stalk, go out and get yourself a nice little black outfit. Not only does it conceal you at night — It’s also quite slimming.

Continue reading ‘Dr. Duck Answers, Part 2’ »

My. my. the masses are yearning for answers.
Thank you for trusting Dr. Duck with all of your private emotional questions. I have answered the first 21 questions and might post later if you guys keep asking.
DR. Duck Answers!!!!
First…
My Girlfriend is going to China for 16 days how can i prevent her from turning into a communist?
Posted by AJ
FIRST!! China is to Communism what Taco Bell is to fine dining. It’s there but in name only. I say, let her go and have her Chinese Government Mandated fun. When she comes back THEN screen her for Communism. If so, dump her.
But act carefully. Are you SURE she’s a communist? Maybe she simply turned Democrat. There’s a way to tell. Communists are better fundraisers and have deeper religious beliefs.
**
What is the yellow and white stuff in bird poop?
Posted by Ron Rockstar
Typical rockstar question. After much taste testing, I have concluded that is mustard and mayo. At least I hope it’s mayo. It could be a mind-altering substance as I’m pretty sure I’m turning into a walrus.
**
Why don’t hippies bathe like you and I?
Posted by Patriot Xeno
It gives riot police an excuse to use hoses. Plus when they beat them, the flying dust tells them if they’ve missed a spot.
**
Who built Mr. and Mrs. Howell’s house on Gilligan’s Island? Where did they get all the cool household stuff?
Posted by Plea Deal
Well, it was made of straw — so my guess it was either the first or second little pig?
**
Was George Galloway abused as a child, and all his shenanigans now-a-days (such as his speech yesterday and his oil-for-food involvement) are a result of Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder or something like that?
Posted by Ben
I don’t know, Ben. But on the other hand, the corner of his mouth always seems to have white bird poop.
**
My stylish new sunglasses have been missing for ever a week, should I keep looking for the only glimmer of coolness I’ve ever known OR call off the search, give up hope and go back to wearing my old Ray-ban Aviators from 1986 which my wife says make me look dorky?
Posted by spacemonkey
I say go back to protecting our eyes. That’s what really matters. By the way, do you like my new sunglasses? I found them a week ago.
**
Who was the second gunman?
Posted by Dave
Well, I normally don’t share Top Secret information — but, hey — it’s Friday. The name of the second shooter is: S. Monkey of 123 Haverly Lane, Littletown Alabama.
**
Why do hot dogs come in packages of 8 and hot dog buns come in packages of 12?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Posted by Dave at July 8, 2005 09:55 AM
Dave, I feel your pain. The problem is that you don’t buy in the proper quantities. If you were to buy — uh. Er. Hold on. 8 x 12. If you were to eat 96 hot dogs, there would be no problem. I’m sure the numbers match at some other point, but I’m a fake psychiatrist not a fake mathematician.
As for the helmet thing – well that’s what happens when your father AND mother come say goodbye to you.
Father: I’m proud of you son. Kill em good!
mother: Where’s your seatbelt? And why aren’t you wearing a helmet?
**
Should I get a haircut this weekend or wait another week?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony
Try an installment plan. Get one hair cut today, another tomorrow, another–
**
Why isn’t the government researching the long-term health effects of reading Blogs/Forums such as KOS and DU?
Posted by chrth
I don’t know why, research patient # 143203-chrth. I really don’t. BTW, how are you feeling today? Be honest. And descriptive.
**
Is the sheep suicide a protest against the attacks in London or continued American occupation in Iraq?
Posted by chrth at July 8, 2005 10:11 AM
The sheep suicide was very sad. As you know, these sheep jumped off a cliff one by one, each one lining up to be next. The small town looked up and watched as each sheep jumped off. They would have done something, but after the 3rd one — most of them had fallen asleep. HAHAHAHAHAHA
**
If you get a side salad without an entree, can it truly be a side salad? There’s nothing for it to be alongside, right?
Posted by Laurence Simon
Laurence, you have hit on one of the truest philosophical questions around. What does it mean — TRULY mean to order a Side salad?
It means you’re gay.
**
How many British does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many French?
Posted by Anonymous for my protection
British. Three– one to change the bulb, and George Galloway there to blame Bush for the horrible mess of the lightbulb. Plus one to book George on a speaking tour of the United States.
French. 7– unless the light bulb changers go on strike. Then they have to figure out a subsidy program AND a way to insult the British and their food.
**
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Posted by Nadine
Nadine, are you flirting with me?
**
Why does Helen Thomas have both a woman’s and a man’s name? Is she bisexual? Does she remind you of a rhinoceros?
Posted by Silicon Valley Jim
Jim, to be completely honest with you — she’s always reminded me of a bisexual Rhinoceros. I always wondered why her forehead had a strap-on horn.
**
Did you go to the same school as Dr. Phat Tony?
Do you go to the same psychiatrist as Dr. Phat Tony.
I seem obessed with killing dirty-hippies and evil commies; is this bad?
Thank you in advance, Dr. Duck.
Posted by jimmyb at July 8, 2005 10:35 AM
Hey!!! Are you calling, Dr. Phat Tony a dirty, hippie communist? Maybe you’re obsessed with Phat Tony, huh? Have you ever ordered a single serving of side salad?
**
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Do you know the way to San Jose?
What are the chances that Ann Coulter will be come a SCOTUS member?
Posted by Ricky at July 8, 2005 10:39 AM
Wow. So many questions.
First off. On the woodchuck chucking. Are we talking about a union woodchuck? It really matters.
San Jose is easy to find. If you visit your local schoolyard, look for the 2nd graders marching side by side with their arms around each other. They’ll be saying something like, “hey, hey, get out of my way. I’m on my way to San Jose.” When they say that — look in that direction. That’s the way!!!
Ann Coulter: I know, it’s every guy’s fantasy to see Ann Coulter in a Girl Scotus uniform — but I say the chances of that are slim. You’ll have to content yourself, with pictures of her in leather. BTW, I feel the need to warn you that “contenting yourself” is a sin.
Sinner.
**
I just killed a hobo, where should I hide the body?
Posted by Brian
That’s a great question. Most people prefer to set them on fire- personally, I find it’s not as much fun once they’re dead. I say, just stick a tin cup in his hand and roll him into the street. After a while, somebody will figure out what’s wrong. The city will scoop him up, and probably take his loose change as reimbursement.
**
I have to present a project to my boss’s boss later today, and I fear it will be boring. What can I do to make it more exciting?
Posted by TheCollector at July 8, 2005 10:54 AM
I’m glad you asked me that. I’ve been fired from many a job, mostly because of my inability to focus on any one thing for more than five seconds. I can tell you with all confidence that blowing this chance will probably ruin your career.
Anyway, try setting him on fire, if not, just roll him into the street and the city will scoop him up.
A city close to my hometown is infested with hippies, and they’re starting to migrate south towards my home.
What do you recommend for hippie control and disposal, oh great Dr. Duck?
Posted by Steve the Pirate at July 8, 2005 11:09 AM
Visit my friend at 123 Haverly Lane, Littletown Alabama. Apartment A. The first unit on the left. Knock once. Wait. Then knock again. When he answers, compliment him on his dorky sunglasses.
**
There’s a girl that I really, really like yet she never pays me the time of day.
How do I make her notice me?
Posted by Evil Dan
That’s the problem!! Maybe you should thing about paying HER!! Oh, wait. Are you the Evil Dan from Nevada? I get you guys confused. I don’t know — I’m just a Walrus.
**
Why a duck?
Posted by Chico
Why a duck? In case she a throw a something atta you!! HAHAHAHa
**
Keep those questions coming!

Happy Friday, Ladies and Gentlement!!
It’s time for that special time – that wonderful time – that time when I, Dr. RightWingDuck, Professor Demeritus from Sue Doe’s School of Psychiatry & Grill, answer the questions that are on your mind.
The doctor is in. Do you have questions about life? Relationships? Family? Work?
I can help*
Leave question in comments. Answers should be up by 12:00 PST.
*Disclaimer. Help is neither possible nor probable. All questions and answers become part of the IMAO help forum – your soul too. If the answer doesn’t satisfy you, please consult a magic 8 ball. Dr. Duck is a certified hot dog vendor in Los Angeles with expired licenses in over 12 cities. All names wil stay the same to shame those with really silly problems. Pictures availabe later. Don’t drink and drive. Buckle up for safety.