Archive of entries posted on 25th July 2005
Tell Me Vegetable Oil Is Prone to Uncontrollable Combustion
You’d think Jane Fonda may have gained some insight in her years since being a traitor during Vietnam, but, no, she’s going on an anti-war bus tour. Is there anyone in America with less credibility than her to be protesting a war?
Hopefully she’ll go all the way again and pose with insurgents in Iraq. Then, Marines can raid the are killing her and all the insurgents in a hail of gunfire. Frankly, I think her being shot to death as an enemy combatant is the only way she’ll learn.
Oh, I need to get a quote from my dad on this one…
News Round-Up Monday
Good Afternoon, I’m RightWingDuck and this is your News Round-Up.
Yes, it has been a while hasn’t it? So I’ll start off easy and work my way up throughout the week.
Do you know what this world needs? Fewer Stereotypes.
On a recent trip to the Middle East, singer Ricky Martin said he wants to help Arabs with their stereotypes.
“I have been a victim of stereotypes. I come from Latin America and to some countries, we are considered ‘losers,’ drug traffickers, and that is not fair because that is generalizing,” said Martin, who was born in Puerto Rico.
He vowed to help them any way he could.
Because nothing helps the Arab image than to get help from a Latino who won’t even admit he’s heterosexual.
Martin attended the silver jubilee of the Arab Children’s Congress set up 25 years ago by Jordan’s Queen Nour, King Hussein’s widow, to promote creativity, peace, cross-cultural understanding and tolerance. He said he would like to promote a similar youth congress for his native Latin America.
Provided he can rustle up enough kids who weren’t working as mules.
Ricky Martin is determined to make a difference. In fact, in their honor, he will launch a new hit single — Living La Vida Jihad.
Does it leave you a bit dizzy? You should take something.
In London , Mars, the company that made its fortune satisfying chocolate cravings, announced plans Monday to develop medications that use a component of cocoa to help treat diabetes, strokes and vascular disease.
Wow, help with vascular disease. I can just hear the jingle now–
Bom bom bom bom
sometimes you feel like a stroke.
Bom bom bom bom
Sometimes you don’t.
In My World: All Rise for the Honkey
“I want to introduce my new Supreme Court nominee,” President Bush told his staff. John Roberts then walked into the room.
“That’s not a woman!” Cheney shouted.
“And he looks pretty white,” Alberto Gonzales said.
“I think he’s a white man!” Condoleezza Rice exclaimed, “Did you know you nominated a white man?”
“Why? What?” Bush asked, quite confused.
“No one is more unpopular these days than white men,” Cheney explained.
“But I’m a white man!” Bush responded.
“And you’re not polling well right now,” Condi stated, “but everyone loves me. I’m a black woman.”
“And I’m a torturing Mexican,” Alberto said, “I poll through the roof.”
“I’m sure you’ll all like me when you get to know me,” John Roberts said.
“Wow! He’s boring sounding!” Alberto declared, “You nominated a boring, stupid gringo, you boring, stupid gringo.”
“Aww,” Bush moaned, “I thought I picked a nominee good.”
“Back in my day, white men did everything,” grumbled Rumsfeld, “They even played basketball.”
“That’s not how things work now,” Cheney said, “Dubya, just take your nominee in front of the press and you’ll see.”
“So why did you think the best new nominee for the Supreme Court is some dumb cracker?” asked the first reporter.
“John Roberts has many great qualifications,” Bush answered, pointing to John Roberts who stood next to him.
“But you will not deny that he is, in fact, a honkey?”
“Now, I think you’ll all find I could make a great Supreme Court Justice if you just interview me,” John Roberts said.
“Everyone get close!” a reporter shouted, “I bet he’s about to say something extremist!”
The reporters all crowded around John Roberts. “Get those mikes away from me!” he yelled.
“He’s against freedom of speech!” shrieked one reporter, “He thinks the freedom of speech is un-Constitutional!”
“That’s not what I said,” John Roberts stated indignantly.
“Be careful,” cautioned another reporter, “I hear if you corner a white man and make him angry, he may lash out and sue!”
“Bush’s new Supreme Court Justice is one of the most destructive forces known,” said the TV announcer as the screen showed scenes of devastation, “a white man! Not only has John Roberts taken the extreme position of being white man, but he also is against the environment, labor, children, and women. With him in the Supreme Court, he won’t rest until all humanity is dead – except for the babies women didn’t want! Tell the White House now that John Roberts is an unacceptable extremist and a cracker.”
“That makes him seem at least a little interesting,” Bush said as he turned off the T.V. and went to bed.
“I told you you should have nominated a woman,” Laura responded.
Bush chuckled. “A woman judge; now that’s wacky.”
The Missing Classified Tapes
IMAO had some exclusive newly declassified tapes, but then they got reclassified and were missing from the IMAO Podcast when it first became available this morning. Luckily, we got it declassified again. It’s in the podcast now, but, in case you missed it because you downloaded before 11:00am ET, here is the IMAO exclusive in my World of Knowledge segment.
George And The Spin Factory, Part I
George and The Spin Factory – Part I
We join Al Franken and his assistant Dithers at Air America headquarters. The assistant holds the current ratings sheet in his hand.
“Mr. Franken, it looks like your ratings have gone up one tenth of a point. At this rate, we should overtake the ratings achieved by some of the stations we replaced — like the All Caribbean Channel..”
“Excellent. But are we beating anyone right now?”
“Sure, in Detroit, we beat out the ratings of the team we replaced — we now have more listeners than–You Too Can Speak Hmong.”
“I’m a bigger success than I ever could have dreamed of.”
“By the way, boss, my last paycheck bounced. Do you think that..’
“A success, Dithers. An amazing success story. I think it’s time we Gave Something Back to the community. Do you know what that means?”
“That it’s time for a PR stunt?”
**
Katie Couric sits in her Dressing Wing surrounded by her royal court of make up people.
“Shut up everyone my show is coming on.”
“Today’s show was tape delayed so we could bring you the Islamic Comedy Hour. We now join the second most requested show — Al Franken.”
“Hi. This is Al Franken with some important news. Karl Rove is the devil. He has the mark of the beast is which why you will never see him wear a strapless!!”
Katie swoons. “He’s great because he says what I want to believe.”
**
IMAO Podcast #9 7-25-05
Refresher link: Karl Rove accused of outing Valerie Plame
- George Bush recruits the IMAO crew for a spy mission
- Introduction & sponsors
- “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Adam and Eve
- Laurence Simon: The World Zionist Conspiracy [reference link]
- SarahK & Frank: Wedding band engraving
- Spacemonkey’s Secret Agent career
- SarahK & Frank: Wedding cake
- Harvey: Fun Facts about Florida Part 1
- Frank: Why I’m not a spy
- Harvey: Fun Facts about Florida Part 2
- SarahK & Frank: Post-wedding celebration
- Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The Billy Goats Gruff
- Harvey: Why I’d be a good spy
- SarahK reviews “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”
- “Ask Ducky” with Right Wing Duck
- Frank: Conclusion
- SarahK: Why I’d be a good spy
IMAO Podcast: Spies Like Us
Our latest podcast is available at our sister site http://www.IMAOPodcast.com
This week’s theme for the IMAO Podcast is “espionage” and features:
- The President giving IMAO a secret mission (if they can prove they are good spies)
- Sarah and Frank contemplating their wedding plans
- Laurence Simon’s bedtime story is a cloak and dagger version of Billy Goat’s Gruff
- Harvey’s Fun Facts about Florida
- Sarah reviewing “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” and attacks Mancow for his appearance on Fox & Friends
- IMAO scoops everyone with newly declassified spy tapes
All iPodder and Apple iTunes users subscribed to the feed should have the IMAO Podcast MP3 waiting for them right now. If you want help on subscribing to the IMAO Podcast, see our extensive Step-By-Step Help site.
To download the newest IMAO Podcast, click here.
Look for Frank to post a couple of the IMAO Podcast bits as small, e-mail sized MP3s here on the IMAO Blog soon. We encourage everyone to download these small versions of the IMAO Podcast and then e-mail them to all of your friends. I can’t always get on the radio to pimp the podcast so let’s get some word of mouth going for IMAO!