My. my. the masses are yearning for answers.
Thank you for trusting Dr. Duck with all of your private emotional questions. I have answered the first 21 questions and might post later if you guys keep asking.
DR. Duck Answers!!!!
First…
My Girlfriend is going to China for 16 days how can i prevent her from turning into a communist?
Posted by AJ
FIRST!! China is to Communism what Taco Bell is to fine dining. It’s there but in name only. I say, let her go and have her Chinese Government Mandated fun. When she comes back THEN screen her for Communism. If so, dump her.
But act carefully. Are you SURE she’s a communist? Maybe she simply turned Democrat. There’s a way to tell. Communists are better fundraisers and have deeper religious beliefs.
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What is the yellow and white stuff in bird poop?
Posted by Ron Rockstar
Typical rockstar question. After much taste testing, I have concluded that is mustard and mayo. At least I hope it’s mayo. It could be a mind-altering substance as I’m pretty sure I’m turning into a walrus.
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Why don’t hippies bathe like you and I?
Posted by Patriot Xeno
It gives riot police an excuse to use hoses. Plus when they beat them, the flying dust tells them if they’ve missed a spot.
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Who built Mr. and Mrs. Howell’s house on Gilligan’s Island? Where did they get all the cool household stuff?
Posted by Plea Deal
Well, it was made of straw — so my guess it was either the first or second little pig?
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Was George Galloway abused as a child, and all his shenanigans now-a-days (such as his speech yesterday and his oil-for-food involvement) are a result of Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder or something like that?
Posted by Ben
I don’t know, Ben. But on the other hand, the corner of his mouth always seems to have white bird poop.
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My stylish new sunglasses have been missing for ever a week, should I keep looking for the only glimmer of coolness I’ve ever known OR call off the search, give up hope and go back to wearing my old Ray-ban Aviators from 1986 which my wife says make me look dorky?
Posted by spacemonkey
I say go back to protecting our eyes. That’s what really matters. By the way, do you like my new sunglasses? I found them a week ago.
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Who was the second gunman?
Posted by Dave
Well, I normally don’t share Top Secret information — but, hey — it’s Friday. The name of the second shooter is: S. Monkey of 123 Haverly Lane, Littletown Alabama.
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Why do hot dogs come in packages of 8 and hot dog buns come in packages of 12?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Posted by Dave at July 8, 2005 09:55 AM
Dave, I feel your pain. The problem is that you don’t buy in the proper quantities. If you were to buy — uh. Er. Hold on. 8 x 12. If you were to eat 96 hot dogs, there would be no problem. I’m sure the numbers match at some other point, but I’m a fake psychiatrist not a fake mathematician.
As for the helmet thing – well that’s what happens when your father AND mother come say goodbye to you.
Father: I’m proud of you son. Kill em good!
mother: Where’s your seatbelt? And why aren’t you wearing a helmet?
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Should I get a haircut this weekend or wait another week?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony
Try an installment plan. Get one hair cut today, another tomorrow, another–
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Why isn’t the government researching the long-term health effects of reading Blogs/Forums such as KOS and DU?
Posted by chrth
I don’t know why, research patient # 143203-chrth. I really don’t. BTW, how are you feeling today? Be honest. And descriptive.
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Is the sheep suicide a protest against the attacks in London or continued American occupation in Iraq?
Posted by chrth at July 8, 2005 10:11 AM
The sheep suicide was very sad. As you know, these sheep jumped off a cliff one by one, each one lining up to be next. The small town looked up and watched as each sheep jumped off. They would have done something, but after the 3rd one — most of them had fallen asleep. HAHAHAHAHAHA
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If you get a side salad without an entree, can it truly be a side salad? There’s nothing for it to be alongside, right?
Posted by Laurence Simon
Laurence, you have hit on one of the truest philosophical questions around. What does it mean — TRULY mean to order a Side salad?
It means you’re gay.
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How many British does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many French?
Posted by Anonymous for my protection
British. Three– one to change the bulb, and George Galloway there to blame Bush for the horrible mess of the lightbulb. Plus one to book George on a speaking tour of the United States.
French. 7– unless the light bulb changers go on strike. Then they have to figure out a subsidy program AND a way to insult the British and their food.
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How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Posted by Nadine
Nadine, are you flirting with me?
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Why does Helen Thomas have both a woman’s and a man’s name? Is she bisexual? Does she remind you of a rhinoceros?
Posted by Silicon Valley Jim
Jim, to be completely honest with you — she’s always reminded me of a bisexual Rhinoceros. I always wondered why her forehead had a strap-on horn.
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Did you go to the same school as Dr. Phat Tony?
Do you go to the same psychiatrist as Dr. Phat Tony.
I seem obessed with killing dirty-hippies and evil commies; is this bad?
Thank you in advance, Dr. Duck.
Posted by jimmyb at July 8, 2005 10:35 AM
Hey!!! Are you calling, Dr. Phat Tony a dirty, hippie communist? Maybe you’re obsessed with Phat Tony, huh? Have you ever ordered a single serving of side salad?
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How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Do you know the way to San Jose?
What are the chances that Ann Coulter will be come a SCOTUS member?
Posted by Ricky at July 8, 2005 10:39 AM
Wow. So many questions.
First off. On the woodchuck chucking. Are we talking about a union woodchuck? It really matters.
San Jose is easy to find. If you visit your local schoolyard, look for the 2nd graders marching side by side with their arms around each other. They’ll be saying something like, “hey, hey, get out of my way. I’m on my way to San Jose.” When they say that — look in that direction. That’s the way!!!
Ann Coulter: I know, it’s every guy’s fantasy to see Ann Coulter in a Girl Scotus uniform — but I say the chances of that are slim. You’ll have to content yourself, with pictures of her in leather. BTW, I feel the need to warn you that “contenting yourself” is a sin.
Sinner.
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I just killed a hobo, where should I hide the body?
Posted by Brian
That’s a great question. Most people prefer to set them on fire- personally, I find it’s not as much fun once they’re dead. I say, just stick a tin cup in his hand and roll him into the street. After a while, somebody will figure out what’s wrong. The city will scoop him up, and probably take his loose change as reimbursement.
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I have to present a project to my boss’s boss later today, and I fear it will be boring. What can I do to make it more exciting?
Posted by TheCollector at July 8, 2005 10:54 AM
I’m glad you asked me that. I’ve been fired from many a job, mostly because of my inability to focus on any one thing for more than five seconds. I can tell you with all confidence that blowing this chance will probably ruin your career.
Anyway, try setting him on fire, if not, just roll him into the street and the city will scoop him up.
A city close to my hometown is infested with hippies, and they’re starting to migrate south towards my home.
What do you recommend for hippie control and disposal, oh great Dr. Duck?
Posted by Steve the Pirate at July 8, 2005 11:09 AM
Visit my friend at 123 Haverly Lane, Littletown Alabama. Apartment A. The first unit on the left. Knock once. Wait. Then knock again. When he answers, compliment him on his dorky sunglasses.
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There’s a girl that I really, really like yet she never pays me the time of day.
How do I make her notice me?
Posted by Evil Dan
That’s the problem!! Maybe you should thing about paying HER!! Oh, wait. Are you the Evil Dan from Nevada? I get you guys confused. I don’t know — I’m just a Walrus.
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Why a duck?
Posted by Chico
Why a duck? In case she a throw a something atta you!! HAHAHAHa
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Keep those questions coming!