The version on the IMAO podcast (#8) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies in the extended entry.
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I’m your host, Harvey, and – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we’re taking a trip to Delaware, so let’s get started…
Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, expect with fewer spam-loving Vikings.
At it’s widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means – in THEORY – that the state could contain Michael Moore’s ass.
The world’s largest frying pan was built in Delmarva, Delaware in 1950. It’s 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.
Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting “we’re #1!”
Can’t blame ’em, I guess, it’s not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don’t read so well sometimes make a fuss over “their” basketball team the “Dover” Nuggets
Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that’s chained up in Wilmington.
The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots and 6 tiny foam fingers.
Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.
Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.
Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.
The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.
Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America’s side at the time, and it would’ve cost us the war if they hadn’t been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.
The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn’t stop to ask for directions.
The official state song of Delaware is “Our Delaware”, recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.
Wait… I’m thinking of “My Ding-a-Ling”. Nevermind.
The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.
The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.
I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that “Vhee zee cuoorfe-a hooffa heemun!” meant “Help us! We’re starving!”?
A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.
Delaware’s official state colors are “Colonial blue” and “buff”, which is just completely gay.
The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.
Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.
Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America’s Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It’s annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of… Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?
Sussex County, Delaware is home to the annual Punkin’ Chunkin’ contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy’s fat head.
Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating “scrapple”, a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs’ hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you’re given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.
Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that’s technically considered a “rental”.
The test for a driver’s license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.
No one in Delaware has a driver’s license.
During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.
Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?
That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be heading due south to have a look at Florida.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don’t have to eat this plate of scrapple.
[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
Hervey’s just trying to bait us the the “Delaware’s in New England” thing.
I’m not biting Harvey!
… and FIRST!
You sick bastard…
Anyway, on a completely unrelated note, is Scrappleface Deleware-based?!
Remember, folks; the Carnival of Comedy will be at Conservathink on the 11th of August.
Mark your calendars!!!
I’m thinkin’ Frank paid Harvey to throw in the part about the scrapple to make people too disgusted to go to Scrappleface. Hmm.
I am biting. Delaware IS NOT part of New England. Delaware WAS NOT part of New England. They are WAAY too close to New Jersey to be part of New England. I don’t even consider Connecticut to be part of New England, or Rhode Island, for that matter. CT is a suburb of NYC, and RI is owned and operated by the Mafia.
I’ve cooked scrapple before, and it is nasty looking stuff. I don’t see how anyone can eat it.
By the way, what are IMAO bloggers afraid of a pit bull for? Don’t you guys have guns?
Swedish were in Delaware? At least it wasn’t the French! Right Louisiana?
You forgot the “Fun-Fact” that Delaware is, per mile, the most expensive state to drive through. Even more expensive than NJ and that’s saying a lot.
They charge you to enter the state and they charge you to leave.
Today’s podcast content:
(sorry ’bout that. Spent too much time among hippies. 8=9 like 2+2=5!!!)
Francesco – It’s ok. Everyone knows 2+2=5 for very large values of 2 🙂
Besides, as a conspiracy theory, it’s more plausible (or at least more coherant) than most of the stuff you’ll find on DU…
Um, sorry for the multiple trackbacks … HaloScan kept throwing an error.
/TJ
Your T-shirts still rock.
I loved the part about punkin’ chunkin’. I have a coworker that attends it every year to celebrate his wedding anniversary. Also, haloscan always gives me an error message too. Try submitting it, then check back at IMAO a few minutes later to see if it shows up before making the attempt to re-submit a trackback. That’s my new method since I was guilty of the double trackback once for the same reason.
Joseph Biden (D – near the microphone) is the senior United States Senator from Delaware. He was first elected Senator in 1972. That was the same election in which Richard Nixon carried every state except Massachusetts (he also failed to carry the District of Columbia). The fact that Joseph Biden is not the most useless and obnoxious Senator is a testament to the thorough worthlessness of the Democratic party.
They charge you to enter the state and they charge you to leave.
Only if you don’t know what you’re doing. You see we Delawareans set up our road system so that we don’t have to pay, only you stupid out of state tourists do.
We have three major tolls:
(1) 295 Leaving Jersey on the Delaware Memorial Bridge. Everyone has to pay to leave Jersey. It’s the law.
(2) Entering/Leaving Maryland on 95. Delawareans typically commute North into PA not South into MD. Those of us who do commute into Maryland know how skip the toll by driving around Newark. Because we skip the toll traffic, it is almost as fast and it’s free.
(3) Route 1 going to the Beach. This is the road to the beach that the tourists use. We use Rt 13 which is just as fast and free.
Come on, Harvey, scrapple is good stuff! 🙂 You just can’t think about what’s in it, kind of like hotdogs. It was all funny though.
‘A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.’
Three teeny changes: this should be “a common STENCH on Delaware beaches…”, Delaware is a Mid-Atlantic state and Delmarva refers to the peninsula not a town.
Oh and Jeff is correct only non-Delawareans pay tolls. Woohoo, we’re number 1!!
As a south Jersey guy myself, I have a soft spot in my heart for Delaware, even if they are profoundly useless 😉
Hmmm… I guess I did a good job on the “probably untrue” portion of this list 🙂
Delaware is so close to perfection it is unbelievable. Except the south. Delaware has the distinction of having the line between normalville and hickville.
Delaware is not in New England… its in the tri state area and we do have drivers license… get your facts right and lern to be funny cause your not