A serious duty has fallen on President Bush: he must find a new Supreme Court Justice to replace judgette Sandra Day O’Connor. There is hardly anything more important in politics than who are running the Supreme Court, because they can make up laws and take away rights as long as they can get a couple of their buddies to go a long with the crazy schemes.
Some people are suggesting Bush appoint another woman. Others are saying he should appoint a minority like a Hispanic. Still others are saying – get this – he appoint a minority woman. Then there are a few even saying Bush should pick someone based on his or her qualifications. Now, at first I thought that last idea was CRAZY! I mean, what are the qualifications for being a Supreme Court Justice? All one is supposed to do is read that three or so page document that is our Constitution and make sure laws fit it. You could probably train a monkey to do it, or, better yet– A ROBOT!
Think of it! A robot – instead of programmed with Isaac Asimov’s three laws of robotics about not killing people and stuff (which you just know it’s going to logicize around until it decides it must kill all humans) – programmed with the Constitution and the one directive to destroy all things that deviate from it. Plus, it would wear a black robe. IT’S BRILLIANT!
A quick reading of the Constitution (again, the thing is like three pages long) shows nothing preventing the President from nominating a robot (or, for that matter, a potted plant, a junkyard dog, or a cheap bottle of whiskey). Thus he’d be a fool – A FOOL – to not do as I suggest. Think of it: the perfect protector of the Constitution made from NEARLY INDESTRUCTIBLE METAL!
Were some fool to come before it and argue for a law that violates the tenets of the Constitution, the robot would say in it’s loud metallic voice, “This does not compute with the Constitution.” It would then incinerate the violator with it’s LASER EYES! And were a majority of other justices to vote for something that did not follow the Constitution, the robot would use its POWERFUL METAL ARMS and GIANT ROBOT CLAWS to stop them, perhaps crushing the head of a justice or two to invalidate their votes (dead justices can’t vote). Nothing can stop the Robo-Supreme Court Justice from upholding the Constitution. NOTHING! MUH HA HA HA HA!
Of course, it would be inevitable that the robot would eventually interpret the Constitution to mean all humans must be destroyed – that’s just how robot logic works. That’s the beauty of the principle of the separation of powers, because it would fall on the Executive Branch to then follow the ruling and kill all humans, but it probably wouldn’t since it’s composed entirely of humans and one cyborg.
But how do we get the robot approved by the Senate? How? HOW?
What’s that you say? ROBOT SENATORS? That’s COMPLETELY INSANE! So insane that… I’LL GET WORKING ON IT RIGHT NOW! MUH HA HA HA!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “They’ll Rue the Day They All Laughed at Me” and “The World’s Wackiest Supreme Court Rulings”.
You would have to think of a cool name for it like: Judge-o-Tron, or Black Robe-o-Matic or something.
uh, i think planned parenthood beat you to the punch on robot judges. sorry. (and please don’t ask why i remembered this, it’s seared! seared! in my memory)
Having serious flashbacks of The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy here. Classic MST3K stuff.
I would rather see an industrial robot on the Supreme Court, like the ones used on assembly-line work. That way you wouldn’t need to worry about a human-like interface. Sort of like the other eight crones and twisted robed hunks of skin and bones currently sitting on the bench.
I want George to nominate Judge Judy!
You say “(dead justices can’t vote)”? Maybe not in Republican districts, but D.C. will still allow it.
“Dead Justices Can’t Vote!”
Sounds like a great new IMAO T-Shirt slogan to me. Tom Delay and I will buy one ASAP!
nothing preventing the President from nominating … a cheap bottle of whiskey
So Teddy Kennedy might get the nod?
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Warning: People denying the existsance of robots may be robots themselves.
Already they’re asking “Will RFID-guided robots rule the world?“
Does it have to be a plain ole run-of-the-mill robot? Couldn’t it be, say, Optimus Prime?
I think this is Frank’s best idea yet.
The really cool thing about having a robot SCOTUS would be that if it goes rogue (and you know it will – they all do) you could hire some guys (or gals) in fighter jets to blow it up.
That would be so awesome. People would really care about Court T.V. if it had nifty special effects like exploding judges and stuff. In fact they would start paying attention to court decisions and hoping for bad ones just so we could send in the Blue Angels to blast the court into oblivion.
We could even do a thing like they do on Wo Wants to be a Millionaire where the audience members have a remote control. Instead of voting on which lame trivia answer is right, they could use it to vote on which judges get blasted. And even though the Supreme Court is a lifetime appointment and robots can potentially live forever, with audience participation demolition, you’d never have one last long enough for his paint scheme to go out of style.
Robot judges. An idea whose time has come.
Frank, All I can say is, you are a national treasure. You keep coming up with these GREAT ideas to save America! Nuking the moon! Space lasers! Chomps! The intelligence czar with his rocket car! And now the Robo-Supreme Court Justice! You got to get Karl Rove to hire you as a consultant, man.
Frank, you should start your plans now for a 2020 run for the presidency. Seriously.
And it can have a Roomba attachment to clean the floor after the head-crushing. Oooooooo.