Texas Sales Tax Holiday

As a public service announcement to all IMAO readers, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that this weekend is the Texas Sales Tax Holiday:

Texas shoppers get a break from state and local sales taxes on August 5, 6, and 7–the state’s seventh annual tax holiday. Lay-away plans can be used again this year to take advantage of the sales tax holiday.
The law exempts most clothing and footwear priced under $100 from sales and use taxes, which could save shoppers about $8 on every $100 they spend.

Included in the list of tax-free items are: Pajamas, Robes, Underclothes, and Shorts.
According to various angry denizens of the MSM who have found themselves on the wrong side of the Blogosphere’s ire, I guess that’s pretty much everything a blogger needs. So come on down to Texas this weekend and load up on your blogwear sales tax-free!
One word of warning: just don’t murder anyone while you’re here. We got plenty of needles to go around, and the Governor turns his phone off after ten.

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 6 – Politics

PREVIOUS
I went to my ship and headed out of orbit of planet something-or-other to have a little privacy for the call. Dip would be listening in, but Dip is usually listening in. If you can’t trust a computer algorithm to keep your secrets, then who can you trust?
“Rico, how’s your vacation been?”
This is where a video hookup would be nice, because I have the perfect scowl for him that would communicate exactly how much I do not want to do chit-chat with this idiot. With only voice, my options are sarcasm or some harsh response border-lining on a growl. I decided to go with sarcasm for the added challenge.
“Super-duper, Vito. So how’s your week been? Seen any movies lately? How has the weather been where you are?”
There was a long silence. I probably imitated cheerful interest too well that he didn’t immediately catch the sarcasm. My understanding of sarcasm is you usually overdo the tone, and I didn’t quite do that.
“I… uh… guess I’ll get to business.”
“Good thinking, Vito.”
“I heard back from the higher ups. They said with your last job, it was just plain bad information. They knew the guy was there, weren’t sure who he was, and thought he’d be more obvious to spot. They’re giving you ten percent more on that one for handling it so well despite the trouble.”
“I’d rather have an assurance it won’t happen again. So, do you have a new job for me?”
“Yes I do, but it’s encoded for your eyes only. Guess I won’t be able to help you on this one.”
“And that’s different from the previous ones how?”
Vito laughed for about a second until he realized he was the only one laughing. Not a bright man. I see his future in the crime syndicate as maybe being a fall-guy one day. He’d have to smarten up to be a convincing fall-guy, though.”
“I’ll transmit the info now.” A display in front of me showed I received a file. “Did you get it?”
I answered by hanging up. I don’t particularly hate Vito; I just don’t like people in general and lately I’ve had to deal with him more than anyone else.
“Dip, can you decode that for me.”
“Certainly, Rico.” He was silent for a moment. “Interesting. You’ll be killing a Senator.”
On screen was Senator Rhyle Gredler of the Galactic Alliance – the biggest governing body in the known universe. He was a Corridian as we call them by the human tongue – a species with a reddish-orange bumpy skin and purple about the face (bleeds red, but a darker red than human blood). In five days there was going to be a summit on harmony among sentient species at the capital city of planet Nar Valdum – a long populated and well developed planet. I was to kill Senator Gredler as he gave his speech at the summit.
“This is interesting. Usually, if the syndicate wanted some big time politician dead, they’d be discreet about it. With me, it’s going to be a big show, and, from the looks of it, lots of collateral damage.”
“So the question would be why would they want a ‘big show?'” Dip offered.
“Not my concern. Going to be some repercussions from this, though. Here’s some data for you, Dip: When polled, sentients usually say they do not, in general, like politicians. Yet, they get very angry when you kill them.”
“Do you think this will be more difficult than usual for you, Rico?”
A Galactic Senator would have a large force of well-trained bodyguards standard. After killing the VIP, the news of the crime would spread far and wide leaving me with a lot of planets to avoid. “You concerned about me, Dip?”
“I’m just trying to be helpful. That is my job.”
“Then be helpful by setting a jump to Nar Valdum.” I had never voted before; it would be interesting to finally be a part of the political process.
NEXT

Carnival Of Comedy Reminder

uncleimao.jpg
Don’t forget, the Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday, Aug 4th! YAY!!!
RightWingDuck will be hosting the carnival at his Right Wing Duck Blog this week. Thanks Ducky! This will make the second time, RightWingDuck has hosted the carnival. Can he meet or exceed our expectations? Will he be as excited as he was last time??? I quote

!!!!!!!!!!

Tune in Thursday to find out!
Submissions:
If you have a good, funny post or for that matter any other funny something, there’s still lots of time to get your attempt at funny on!
Carnival Schedule:
Week 15 – Aug. 11 – Conservathink
Week 16 – Aug. 18 – Point Five
Week 17 – Aug. 25 – The Conservative UAW Guy
Week 18 – Sep. 1 – ?? It’s a mystery. Nobody’s stepped up.
Week 19 – Sep. 8 – ?? Who knows? Could be anybody.
Week 20 – Sep. 15 – ?? The search is on.
Want to host?
Send inquiries about hosting the Carnival of Comedy to spacemonkey.you.suck-@t-gmail-d0t.-com. (remove the appropriate nonsense)
Still have questions?
Info about joining the Carnival of Comedy is here and you can read it as slow as you need to.

MSM + Limbaugh vs. IMAO Podcasts

The MSM has done an absolutely pathetic job of educating the general public about podcasts. To date, most podcast articles have judiciously avoided conservative podcasters like IMAO and heaped praise on the podcasts that are pornographic while never letting on that ANYONE WITH A COMPUTER AND SPEAKERS CAN LISTEN TO A PODCAST.
Let me give you some facts that the MSM won’t give you about podcasting:

  • NONE of the IMAO Podcasters own an Apple iPod.
  • NONE of the IMAO Podcasters own an Apple computer
  • If your Windows or Linux or Mac computer has speakers, you can listen to the IMAO Podcast right now
  • You can listen to the IMAO Podcast on ANY portable MP3 player (many of them selling for well under $100)
  • You do not need a portable MP3 player to listen to the IMAO Podcast

I guess everyone at the New York Times uses an Apple Mac, can afford an overpriced iPod, and assumes the rest of us in the “fly-over states” use our computers exactly like they do.
No thanks…
Speaking of conservatives and podcasting, Rush Limbaugh has said he legitimized podcasting overnight because he makes his show available as a podcast… No, all he did was take the MP3 of his show that anyone with a paid subscription to his Rush 24/7 service gets as part of their subscription fee, had his staff strip out the music, and then call it a podcast.
Limbaugh charges people for his podcast. IMAO doesn’t.
You figure out who’s giving you, the fans, a better deal on podcasting.

Air America Drinks the Blood of Children

If you haven’t heard about it yet, Michelle Malkin has been on top of the story about how Air America has been stealing money from children to pay for their horrible broadcasting. I could see stealing from children to pay for the IMAO Podcast… but Air America?
Is Air America also selling poison milk to school kids? I’ve seen no evidence of this, but, from how deranged Al Franken normally looks, it must be assumed!
Just more evidence for my theory that Liberals hate humanity.

In My World: Recess Appointment

“I would just like to say that the misdeeds of the Bush Administration can not go ignored!” Ted Kennedy said on the Senate floor, “He’s like a drunkenness that overtakes us and causes us to careen off a bridge. Maybe we can get ourselves out of that car, but there are still others left, sinking inside. Calling the police would seem to some to be the best course of action, but that’s not what I’m going to do. That’s not what the American people would want. That’s…”
A bell rung.
“RECESS!!!”
The Congress all cheered and ran out back to the Capitol playground. Some went for the swing sets while others played hop scotch. Another group played touch football.
“You tagged me too hard!” Voinovich yelled and then started crying.
“Give the ball back!” Frist yelled at Hillary.
“No! It’s mine!” Hillary answered, running off.
Unknown to Congress, they were being watched from afar.
President Bush set down his binoculars. “Good, the fools are all at recess. It is time to unleash… THE BOLTON! Muh ha ha ha!”
“Are you mad?” Scott McClellan shouted, “He’s been locked in there waiting for a vote for weeks now! He’s gotten even crazier! He’ll…”
Scott was silenced with a backhand to the face. “Quiet, fool!” Bush yelled. “Condi, will do the honors and release him?”
“Certainly,” Condoleezza Rice answered as she smiled evilly. She then grabbed a rope connected to a lock on the steel doors. With a yank, the lock was undone. Suddenly, the iron doors were smashed open.
“Bolton smash!” Bolton screamed, his mustache bristling with anger, “Bolton destroy!”
“Control him!” Bush commanded Condi.
“You want to destroy the U.N.,” Condi told Bolton in a soothing voice, “It’s the U.N. you hate.”
“Bolton… crush… U.N.!” Bolton shouted and then stomped off.
A red rubber ball landed near Bush’s feet. Harry Reid then came running after it grumbling, “If Santorum was the one who kicked it so hard, he should have to go get it.” Reid then saw Bush and Bolton storming off in the distance. “You appointed Bolton while we were at recess!” he shouted at Bush, “You’re a doo-doo head! That’s what you are!”
“Get back to recess,” Bush answered as he picked up the ball, “I’ll help you play.” He threw the ball as hard as he could into Reid’s face, knocking him to the ground and breaking his glasses. “There, you’re out.”
“We were playing kickball, not dodgeball,” Reid cried. “You’re the meanest President ever!”
“Throw him into the Pit of Doom!” Bush commanded Scott.
“We don’t have a Pit of Doom.”
“Then throw him into the… uh… Potomac.”
“That’s not really my job as Press Secretary…”
Bush smacked Scott again. “DO IT!”


“The Bolton is coming!” Kofi Annan screeched, “Someone fill out the paperwork needed to allow guns to be fired in defense of the U.N.”
The bureaucrats got hard at work. Kofi then handed the papers out to the armed guards instructing them on the two places they had to initial and where to sign and date at the bottom.
“Bolton destroy U.N.!” came a cry. Kofi looked out to see Bolton emerge from the water, walking in steady pace towards the U.N. Headquarters.
“Quick!” Kofi screamed, “Someone notarize those documents so we can begin shooting at him!”
A couple notary publics raced to stamp the documents. Then, the guard opened fire on Bolton.
This made Bolton so enraged he put his hand on his hips. He shouted, “‘Stache Strength!” and then his mustached glowed until the glow covered all of Bolton. Now the bullets merely deflected off of him as he continued slowly walking towards the U.N. Headquarters.
“The Bolton is unstoppable!” screamed one aide.
“What do we do now?” a diplomat cried.
Kofi Annan stood still as he watched Bolton come ever closer. “We die.”


“In local news, a tubby man was seen throwing Senator Reid into the Potomac,” the anchorwoman said, “Now back to our top story: The U.N. Headquarters, upon accepting Bolton as the U.S. Ambassador, has been reduced to a radioactive pile of rubble.”
“Bolton ‘reformed’ the U.N. even quicker than I hoped,” Bush laughed, “Muh ha ha ha!”
“No evil laughter in bed!” Laura shouted as she turned off the T.V.
“Sorry, dear.”

We Thrive on Your Feedback

Speaking of the IMAO Podcast (and make sure to check out these new clips if you don’t have a fast enough connection to download the entire thing), what do you think was the funniest moment this week (my favorite was Sarah’s line in the “Death Ray” sketch)? Who are your favorite podcasters (it’s a big switch going from writing to speaking with good comic timing)? Any types of sketches you want to see (I may invite Musashi back to give more practical advice if people like him)? Any of you listen to other podcasts, and, if so, which ones?
BTW, we want a new tagline for the podcast. Any ideas?

The IMAO Podcast: It’s like poison for your ears… you know, the one Claudius killed Hamlet’s father with… that sort of poison
The IMAO Podcast: Great funny in digital audio (now with more ones!)
The IMAO Podcast: No, you’re gay
The IMAO Podcast: Despite the fancy name, it’s just an mp3

Oh, and please vote for the IMAO Podcast at Podcast Alley if you have’t already this new month. I know this vote drive is annoying, but it’s only once a month, and, by keeping us in the top ten, it gets us more plublicity (we already got mentioned in an article on podcasting because of it).
We have a lot of fun and agony making these, so thanks for all your support. Now, if you be good and answer my questions, I’ll give you a funny IMW today.

New IMAO Podcast Teasers!

If you haven’t heard the latest IMAO Podcast yet, here are a couple of teasers from Monday’s podcast to whet your appetite for more IMAO podcasty goodness:

These MP3 sound files will play on Windows, Mac, and Linux PCs and are small enough to fit into an e-mail and send to your friends and family (hint-hint).
Want to hear the whole thing? Go to the IMAO Podcast website and download it now!
REMINDER: Please remember to VOTE FOR IMAO at Podcast Alley!
COMING SOON: Details on how you can meet IMAO Podcasters in person and support the IMAO Podcasting cause. Check back on the blog very soon for the official announcement.