Evil Glenn – NASA Director
(A Filthy Lie)
Rumor has it that Glenn Reynolds has been tapped by NASA to improve our currently-stumbling space program.
His first priority: making sure astronauts don’t starve to death if they get stuck in orbit pulling flattened spacemonkeys and other debris off the nose of the shuttle.
Now, we’re all well aware of Glenn’s preferred energy drink, but the problem is that normal blenders require gravity to keep the puppy in contact with the whirling blades. In a low-gravity environment, the resulting product comes out as a hideous, lumpy mess, not unlike Helen Thomas’s face.
(artist’s conception of low gravity dog-blending with conventional blender)
To correct this problem, Glenn has invented the zero-gravity puppy blender, as pictured in the extended entry…
Archive of entries posted on 5th August 2005
It’s My Blog, And I Can Be Quiet If I Want To
Sorry not to have posted the past couple days, but Frank sick. If you like recipes, make sure to check out Carnival of the Recipes hosted by the lovely and talented SarahK this week.
If you don’t like recipes, then… uh… drink a Guinness!
Top 10 Reasons The US Is Moving Detainees Back To Afghanistan
By now you’d heard, the U.S. is moving some Gitmo detainees to Afghanistan. But do you know the reasons why? I just so happen to know TEN such reasons why.
Here are
The Top 10 Reasons The US Is Moving Some Gitmo Detainees Back To Afghanistan.
10) Need to make room for new Haliburton-made Torture-matic 5000 – It chains, it hand-puppet-entertains, it makes Koran flushing a breeze! Now with patented Thermo-Scramble!
9) Many detainees have renounced terrorism and will now be our top secret double agent moles within the Al-Queda organization. But SHHHH, don’t tell anyone.
8) Opinion poll shows detainees overwhelmingly prefer dry heat/dry cold fluctuations as compared to wet heat/wet cold fluctuations.
7) Cuba ran out of fresh Korans, moving need closer to the source.
6) Helen Thomas threatened to kill self if we DARE move them.
5) Honey yak is way cheaper than honey chicken ever thought about being.
4) Al Gore’s new Currents TV monstrosity SUUUUUUCKS! Ok, Not really part of the top 10, it just needed to be said.
3) As a goodwill gesture to Cuba to reduce threat to coastal regions caused by fattened detainees making the commie island nation sink.
2) To clear bedspace for Richard Durbin, Jimmy Carter and the entire cast of Amnesty International.
And the number 1 reason the U.S. is moving some Gitmo detainees back to Afghanistan…
Continue reading ‘Top 10 Reasons The US Is Moving Detainees Back To Afghanistan’ »
Live long, and score touchdowns!
The NCAA has banned the use of “hostile or abusive” team names in post-season competition.
However, and here’s the catch, you can still use them for regular season play. The NCAA’s ability to project political correctness only extends as far as their direct authority, and that’s those lucrative tournaments you watch to avoid dealing with the family over News Year’s.
So if you’ve got a really lousy team, a booster club who can’t stop writing checks for sports cars and hookers, or a Board of Governors who are under the mistaken impression that budgets should be reserved for academics instead of athletics, you can pretty much have any mascot you darn well want.
I’d like to see one of those schools thumb their noses at the Establishment. Call yourselves “The Cheap Jews” or “The Deranged Soccermoms” or “The Mad Arabs” or “Crazy Horny Greeks.” Just as long as you’ve got a big enough endowment, don’t depend on state funding, and you’ve got plenty of freshmen to wear the costume on the sidelines nothing can go wrong. (Hint – reinforce the oversized head with Kevlar to protect from snipers in the lights.)
There’s also the loophole that if you’re insulting a minority that doesn’t exist, you can still keep the nickname. I guess this means we’ll have to wait for First Contact before the California University of Pennsylvania and the University of Hawaii-Hilo have to change their team names from the Vulcans.
By the way, word is that Dan Rather really hated being called an anchorman. He’d insist on being called a reporter or correspondent when the opportunity arose. Does this mean that Puget Sound Christian College and Rhode Island College are now frozen out of tournament play for calling their teams “Anchormen” ?
More Displays of Despair and Admiration, Please
GEBIV of There’s One, Only! heaps praise and envy upon the IMAO Podcast.
What have YOU done for us lately?
Ask Ducky – the Answers
Hello Everyone,
RightWingDuck here. When I first started writing at this blog – I felt that this website had the most amazing readers.
I miss those people.
Anyway, I’m here to provide my wisdom and guidance to you. So without further delay, here are my answers to the questions that are burning a hole in your psycho. If you don’t see your question below, it means it got scooped up for the podcast version.
Ducky Answers.
Since hippie stench is potent enough to remove paint from automobiles, is there a way to process and purify it to be used as an alternative fuel source?
Posted by hatless in hattiesburg
Are we talking about hippie stench or automotive paint? If you’re talking about hippie stench, the answer is no. Hippie stench is actually on the periodic table of elements. Or at least it appears periodically. Paint is a different issue. You could use it as fuel – a good batch of paint fumes can keep me going for days.
**
Why do liberals get excited when they almost win?
Posted by spacemonkey
Like Hollywood stars, Democrats lose elections, but they were honored just to be nominated.
**