Since I’ve been discussing it and I’m back home where the website isn’t blocked, here’s the article where some guy make fun of spacemonkey, really rips Harvey, and I think makes fun of me – but I’m a little confused on that one. Our traffic is like way better tha their’s, though, so I’m not sure how much attention to give it since we’re not going to benefit out of this feud.
Still, a humor contest does seem like the thing to prove that we conservatives are funnier. I can see it now: three humor pieces. One making fun of an issue from the conservative side, the other from the liberal side, and then a humor piece that’s of a non-political topic. A panel made up of half liberals and half conservatives (and one moderate for tie breakers) picks a winner in each category without knowing the author. Best two out of three wins.
Man, that’s complicated.
Know what? We have more traffic than these mean, nasty liberal people which means we’re funnier. Case closed.
Archive of entries posted on 11th August 2005
Hope Two Sentences of Hate-Filled Profanity Was Worth Your Job
Michelle Malkin get some of the most vicious hate-mail, but she also gets results (see the first update). And guess who bloggers voted their favorite conservative…
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 9 – Mecha-Allah
PREVIOUS
I was being shot at.
Actually, everyone was being shot at by five sentients screaming what my translator was interpreting as, “Mechanized Allah is great!” People were falling dead or wounded all around me from the rapid, slug-firing guns the attackers were using with a crazed zeal.
My luck: A terrorist attack. I had heard of these guys. They were a number of humans and aliens that worshiped a gigantic city destroying robot – Mecha-Allah – that they believed to be their god taken corporal form. Since so many people were out to destroy Mecha-Allah based on him commanding his supporters to kill unbelievers, they hid him. This made the CyberIslamists even more crazed because they were supposed to pray five times a day towards Mecha-Allah but didn’t know where he was. This meant lots of praying in random directions.
Yeah, it’s really stupid, but you don’t know how much I sometimes wish I was able to have religious faith.
The scene at the cafe was pure random mayhem and it annoyed me to no end. I mean, I have little regard for “innocents” when converging on a target, but to go out of one’s way to kill them seemed so silly. As soon as I grasped the situation, I was about to pull out two guns and take the terrorists down in a seconds time.
But that puts all my cards on the table. No question I’m a great killer then, and then many questions follow from the authorities.
So what now? Inaction could get me shot and almost had already, so I quickly pretend I’m someone else. Decided I’m a police officer on vacation who brought one gun with him out of habit. Killing five would be a feat, but I could make it look lucky – be skilled but not too skilled.
I drew a gun with my right hand and fired twice at one, the first missing on purpose and second burning the terrorist, the lizard like creature letting out a dying shriek to his robotic master.
Three more shots as I went for cover (cop would only use inanimate objects and not other people as cover, so I had to watch myself). Two of those three struck a human terrorist, and the remaining three attackers now focused on me (I was really the only one in the crowd with a gun? That’s sad when a criminal is the first defense). I partially hid behind a lamppost and fired back.
These guys weren’t aiming. They were just doing automatic fire in my direction and were quite pathetic about it. I fired two more close but missing shots before killing a third. I then noticed some bullets hitting near my feet and decided to commit to the part I was playing by sticking out my leg.
After the bullet ripped through my calf muscle, I let myself fall to the ground. As I fell, I ended the fight with two shots that got two kills. One hand on my leg and the other on my gun, I looked around the fire of the former cafe and the panic around it to see there were no more “bad guys” left to shoot. I set down my gun and began bandaging my leg with a cloth napkin.
“You saved us!” gasped a middle-aged woman clutch a child.
False modesty – that seemed to be the norm for this sort of thing. “In the end, I was just saving my self.” (completely true). Would I get in the news for this? That would not be helpful.
“Can I help you with…”
“I’m fine,” I interrupted the woman as I tightened the bandage, “Keep watch on your son.” Others were gathered around me. “Look for the wounded to help the authorities when they get here,” I commanded calmly, “I can handle myself.” This role-playing was kinda fun… other than how much the bullet hurt.
I thought it was a good acting all in all and the wounded leg sealed the deal, but I knew the real police would be there any moment to test how great my “vacationing cop” act really was.
NEXT
If I had known you were coming, I’d have baked a file in a cake
I’ve been thinking about the whole Hyatte murder-and-escape news story and one thing comes to mind: Traditional Values.
You see, Jennifer was a nurse. Sure, she was a prison nurse, but a nurse nonetheless. And being a nurse is what would be considered a “traditional” job for a woman. I think that’s a good thing, because Traditional Values is what we’re all about, right? We’re all for them?
However, freeing your jailed husband by driving up and shooting the guards is not what I’d consider a “traditional” prison break. I’d say that was one of those violent “New Fangled Ways” of doing things, certainly not what she learned in her traditional role as a nurse. Or as a wife, which she’d been three times.
Instead, I think everybody’s familiar with the classic “bake a file in a cake” ploy of the previous century. I know, it’s corny, but it’s practically tradition. And nobody’s ever gotten hurt from a file in a cake, aside from a few chipped teeth and maybe a loosened filling.
Once again: Traditional Values good, New Fangled Ways bad.
I’m just going to assume that Jennifer was just too busy as a nurse to learn how to properly bake a cake. Even with all those modern Duncan Hines mixes on the shelf that three moneys on acid can’t screw up, and all it takes is what – a few hours to mix and bake and cool? She didn’t even have to frost the thing if she didn’t want to.
Why did she go the “guns blazing” route instead of the good traditional “bake a file in a cake” route? Who knows? Maybe she didn’t get the Easy Bake Oven most parents used to give their daughters, or Home Economics had been replaced with “Womens Studies” in her high school.
Either way, I feel this is a failure of society to help impart our Traditional Values on our citizens, whether decent and upstanding or loathesome and criminal.
On behalf of society, I say “We’re sorry, Jennifer Hyatte. Can you ever forgive us?”
Stay Outta Brooklyn!
Britian is deporting for’ners who support violence, but where are they going to deport them to? It would be wrong to send them to the Middle East as they already have too many violent people there. Here are some other suggestions:
PLACES TO DEPORT VIOLENT MUSLIMS
Not Funny
Still, getting over something (flu? mad cow disease? dunno), and am just not feeling like my full funny self. Then there’s yet another lefty blog saying we’re not funny (the blog is so far the first one I’ve seen my work block; I guess they don’t want us to waste our time laughing when we should be mining coal). It wasn’t as obtuse as mitrha, but it just reeked from the guy trying too hard (or maybe he was funny and I just didn’t get it, proving the point – I forget whose). Plus he spent the whole post fisking Harvey’s latest, which just shows the viciousness of the left to attack a man with the IQ of a six-year-old. Noticeably, no quote from me, as anything I have ever written would outshine the guy’s entire blog (except what I’ve written lately; that’s all crap).
Now, what was my point? I think the drugs are taking effect. Anyhoo, coal ain’t gonna mine itself, so I better get to work. If you have any idea what point I was moving towards, please put it in the comments.
Carnival Of Comedy Is In An Elevated State Compared To Other Previous Conditions.
Even though there are no few funny conservatives, the 15th Carnival of Comedy is up (yes, that’s what the title meant) at
Conservathink.
You, Go, Now!
Welcome to Tejas
Texas is officially a minority-majority state:
According to the population estimates based on the 2000 Census, about 50.2 percent of Texans are now minorities. In the 2000 Census, minorities made up about 47 percent of the population in the second-largest state.
Texas joins California, New Mexico and Hawaii as states with majority-minority populations — with Hispanics the largest group in every state but Hawaii, where it is Asian-Americans.
This member of the “Texas minority-majority” welcomes this change in demographic power. Perhaps it’s high time we minorities flexed our muscles to finally implement Sunday-through-Thursday workweeks, strict Kosher laws for food handling, and restore the lunar calendar so nobody knows what to write on their checks anymore.