the new Mr. Afghanistan!
Archive of entries posted on 16th August 2005
What’s Mine Is Mine
Super Fantastic Carnival Reminder
Hey sportsfans! The Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday, Aug 18th! Awwwwwww freak out!
A4g will be hosting the carnival at Point Five for Week 16 on Aug. 18. Will joy return to mudville? Can the ROF be put back in the ROFL?
Submissions:
If you have a semi, quazi funny post or for that matter any sort of funny anything, there’s still lots of time to show us the funny!
Carnival Schedule:
Week 17 – Aug. 25 – The Conservative UAW Guy
Week 18 – Sep. 1 – Doc Rampage
Week 19 – Sep. 8 – Rapid Politics
Week 20 – Sep. 15 – Either, Orr
Want to host? Want to Prove Mithras has
Send your feeble pleas regarding hosting the Carnival of Comedy to flyingspacemonkey-at-gmail-dot-com. (substitute the appropriate nonsense, y’know the ‘at’ and the ‘dot’)
Still have questions?
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A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 12 – Suspicion
PREVIOUS
“Not watching the news?” Detective Thompson was looking towards the TV where two lizard-like delpings were getting it on.
I turned the TV off; it would take my full concentration to pull off this act. “No. Too much speculation right after these things happens. I’d rather wait a while then find the facts.”
“So you watch nature shows instead?” she smiled, either interested or feigning interest. She was pretty – that was for sure – though her clothing was pretty functional and only vaguely feminine. Only thing outwardly threatening about her was her blue eyes – I could tell they were hard at work assessing me. And I would guess she’s killed in the line of duty – or at least been in numerous gunfights.
Yes, I can sorta tell that from someone’s eyes. Hey, I’m an expert on killing.
I figured I might as well use the truth when I could to keep things less complicated. “Yeah, I love learning about new animals. So many different animals on so many different planets, yet each one has something unique to it.” That seemed like some good banter, but something tragic happened and I needed to act concerned. “So… uh… how bad was it?”
“Eleven dead.” I could see a little fire in her eyes. “About three times that many injured.”
“At least they were using bullet weapons,” I observed, “Could have been a lot worse.”
She came a little closer, and I could now smell her perfume. Made me wonder if she put thought into what kinds and how much perfume you could wear and still be intimidating when interrogating a suspect. “Like with your firearm?” she asked. Okay, she was suspicious of me. Nothing to panic about.
“Don’t think I’d be alive today if I didn’t have that stopping power.” That was the truth. “Never seen anyone take a bolt anywhere to the body and not drop.” Expensive gun, if I were just a cop. “Any chance I’ll be getting it back?” I only own eight others. I wondered what gun she preferred. It must have been small, because I couldn’t see any bulge in her coat. It was obviously under her right arm from the way she folded her arms. That made her left handed.
Freak.
“We’ll see. It was illegal for you have it here, Rico. That’s your name, right?”
“Yeah, just Rico. Officer Rico of Rikar, to be precise.” Used my affable smile, but a more subdued version. “Sorry about that, but I never pay attention to gun laws when going to new planets. Figure if I have to draw and reveal I’m armed, it’s better to be arrested than dead.” Common line I’ve heard from pro-gun sentients.
“Can’t blame you – certainly under these circumstances. I can probably get your gun back when you’re leaving the city. How much longer are you going to be in the hospital?”
“Should just be an hour or two.”
“You set up somewhere?”
“Yeah.” Please don’t ask me where.
“Where you staying?”
“The Lux.” I didn’t know I was going to pretend to be a cop when I got my hotel.
“That’s a nice place,” she chuckled, “You’re really living it up.”
I smiled wryly. “I treat myself every now and then. You invest your money wisely, you can save up a bit on a police officer’s salary… even without being crooked.” I laughed at my lame joke, and she did too. Good.
“I don’t think you’ll find this conference too worthwhile, though. These always end with a lot of bickering between all the different species.”
“What would you want to happen, Detective?”
“Just some more treaties between planets,” she said, looking like she felt quite strongly on the issue. “Someone commits a crime here and get off planet, that’s it! We can’t follow him. If someone wants justice, he has to go to a bounty hunter – and they certainly aren’t the most honest type.”
I shook my head. “Yeah, I dealt with more than a few of those types.” I sorta am one – more of a bounty killer than a bounty hunter, though.
“Anyway, Officer Rico, sorry about your experience here on Nar Valdum so far; certainly doesn’t make for a great vacation. I want to thank you again for what you did, though.”
“Someone had to. You expect more attacks like that?”
“We weren’t, but now we are. We initially thought the terrorists were plotting for the main event when Senator Gredler arrives, but it seems they’re happy to do some killing beforehand to scare people away.”
“Still expect an attack at the main event, though?”
She smiled. “They’d have to be pretty dumb to try. Security is so tight, I don’t see how they could do anything. Everything has been increased to accommodate Senator Gredler, especially after we got some chatter about a possible assassination attempt.”
It took some force of will to not look startled, and I could tell the Detective was looking for my reaction. I hope she was just this naturally suspicious of everyone. “Why assassinate that guy?”
She shrugged her shoulders. She was hiding something, though. Seemed like I should be finding out what.
“So what are your plans for the rest of the day?” she asked. More suspicion.
“Get something to eat. My face isn’t all over the news, right?”
“A few people involved talked to reporters about what happened, but no one has identified you. By the way, if you want some good food, I know just the place. I get off in a couple hours, and it will be my treat. Least I can do for the hero.”
I smiled, trying to not reveal how much was going on in my head right now. “Sounds good.”
So my hit was starting to look like a suicide mission, and the best option I seemed to have was getting close to a Detective who was apparently suspecting me of being a hitman. This was going to be an interesting “vacation.”
NEXT
Get well soon, Madonna
Madonna was hospitalized today, having broken several bones in a horse riding accident.
The superstar was hospitalized with three cracked ribs, a broken collarbone and a broken hand, according to Liz Rosenberg, her spokeswoman based in New York.
The accident occurred Tuesday at Ashcombe house, her estate outside of London.
No word yet whether she was riding the horse or the horse was riding her.
Also, her husband Guy Ritchie was credited for taking her to the hospital, although later he managed to petition the DGA to have the credit for the hasty trip to the hospital transfered to Alan Smithee.
Better get out a Star of David patch Laurence . . .
Hi, my name is Sandy Sheethead, Grand High Wizard of the Hazzard County KKK, and new IMAO guest blogger. I’m coming to you today promote my latest foray into the political system. I have organized a rally outside of President Bush’s ranch down in Crawford, Texas to protest the illegal and immoral enforcement of civil rights for Blacks, Jews, and other inferior races. My protest is headquarted at what has come to be known as “Camp Sheethead” (I call it a “camp” even though I actually stay at a local hotel when the media isn’t around). My aim is to force President Bush into meeting me so I can lecture him about Aryan rights and the misguided policies of the Civil Rights movement. Me and several hundred other Klan sympathizers sing songs, chant, and hold press conferences. We’ve also set up nearly 2000 burning crosses (one for each month since we lost the War of Northern Agression) to underscore our message. Since we have nearly twice as many protestors as Cindy Sheehan has, I figure we must be twice as reflective of public opinion as she is. I mean, its not like you can get 100 people together to protest about something that only appeals to the kookiest fringe of American society. In the face of our massive 200 person protest, I expect that President Bush will see the error of his ways, repeal the offending portions of the Constituation, and set up some concentration camps. Now where did Brian Williams wander off to . . .
Fit For A King
According to CNN, Yoko Ono has been hospitaliz-
What? It’s not Ono? Okay, then it’s Courtney Love.
Not Courtney Love? Fine. Then it’s… um… Imelda Marcos? Suha Arafat? Cory Aquino? Nancy Reagan?
Aha! I know! Anna Nicole Smith!
No?
Man, it’s so hard to keep Professional Widows apart these days.
We’re RICH!
The Greatest Terrorist Threat
Some infants have been stopped from boarding planes because their names have been the same or similar to that of terrorists. The parents then had to produce passports to prove their babies were not terrorists. Some say this is ridiculous and babies should not be scrutinized as terrorists.
I say that this is the CRAZIEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND! …or at least since 204 B.C. (I forgot who said what then, but I remember it was PRETTY CRAZY!).
If babies are giving a free pass, then won’t terrorists just try to recruit babies for their missions of terror?
Of course they will! And it will be easy too, because NO ONE IS MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO BRAIN WASHING THAN A BABY!
Since babies know very little, they easily take in whatever is told them, which would include MURDEROUS RADICAL ISLAMIC IDEALS!
Even more disturbing about babies is that they HAVE NO CONCEPT RIGHT OR WRONG!
Luckily, God, in His infinite wisdom, gave babies little physical ability, because, if they could, THEY WOULD KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT FOR A BA-BA!
Terrorists could give them this ability!
If we were smart, we would TREAT ALL BABIES AS POTENTIAL TERRORISTS!
“I have basic motor-skills and would think nothing of killing you.”
Babies should be locked in a bomb-proof container in the cargo hold of an airplane. This container should also be soundproof. I AM NOT JUST SAYING THIS BECAUSE I HATE CRYING BABIES ON AIRPLANES!
This is a national security issue.
New PETA slogan?
“I’d rather be caught dead than eat non-lab-grown meat.”
Academic Paper Says Edible Meat Can be Grown in a Lab on Industrial Scale
August 16, 2005 Experiments for NASA space missions have shown that small amounts of edible meat can be created in a lab. But the technology that could grow chicken nuggets without the chicken, on a large scale, may not be just a science fiction fantasy. In a recent paper in the Tissue Engineering journal, a team of scientists has proposed two new techniques of tissue engineering that may one day lead to affordable production of in vitro – lab grown – meat for human consumption. It is the first peer-reviewed discussion of the prospects for industrial production of cultured meat. “There would be a lot of benefits from cultured meat,” says University of Maryland doctoral student Jason Matheny, who studies agricultural economics and public health. “For one thing, you could control the nutrients. For example, most meats are high in the fatty acid Omega 6, which can cause high cholesterol and other health problems. With in vitro meat, you could replace that with Omega 3, which is a healthy fat. “Cultured meat could also reduce the pollution that results from raising livestock, and you wouldn’t need the drugs that are used on animals raised for meat.”
The Blogosphere Is Able to Make Stories News… But Are We Also Able to Make them Go Away?
I saw Cindy Sheehan finally asked the question I’ve been wondering: Why does she think she deserves a second meeting with the President of the United States? She dodged it artfully – like a skilled politician – saying she had answered it in previous interviews and said the reporter should read those.
Sigh.
I had at first wondered why so many liberals were quick to jump on the Cindy Sheehan bandwagon, but I think Cadet Happy illustrates it quite well: The liberals figured they had someone who could spout all the crazed nonsense they want to get out there while being inoculated from criticism because of her grief. “She lost her son, you unfeeling bastard!” has replaced “Chickenhawk!” as a way for liberals to avoid arguing on the facts. But what’s to gain from this argument anyway?
It’s August, and it’s hard to blame the news media for jumping on this. To be honest, my ears have been perking up anytime the news has mentioned Crawford. But, it’s just getting too morbid. I guess the breaking point came for me when I saw that Cindy’s husband had filed for divorce. My first reaction was “Gotcha!” after she had been claiming family support for what she was doing, but then I later remembered how often parents divorce after losing a child and this was just tragedy on top of tragedy.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that Cindy Sheehan is a complete liberal loon, but she is also a grieving mother. You can’t prove otherwise, and I have no interest in proving otherwise. Also, there is no real reason this story should have such national interest, and I think the puppy blender had this one right in that he pretty much ignored it (his only post on it is here).
Who we should remember and write about is Army Spc. Casey Sheehan and others like him. Sheehan not only volunteered to serve in the United States Military, he specifically volunteered to go to Iraq by re-enlisting during the conflict. We owe him a lot, maybe the least of which is pray for his mother. Yeah, I had my shots at her, but we really should just ignore this story. There are no political points worth gaining from this. I don’t if the blogosphere can help get a story out of the news by collectively ignoring it (I don’t remember many blog posts about Aruba – or maybe I just zoned those out), but it’s worth trying. When this month is over, the whole Cindy Sheehan circus will be over, and, hopefully, the experience will be cathartic enough to allow her to move on. If not, the I pray once all the fair-weather friends have departed, there will still be some people left to support Cindy.
With Casey Sheehan, there is a story of tragedy but also one of hope and honor. With his mother, right now, there is only tragedy, and I’ve had my fill of it.