Campaign Slogans for Running Against Hillary

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently Jeanine Pirro announced her intention to run for Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat in 2006. As a patriotic American, I feel it’s my duty to support her by offering the following suggestions for campaign slogans:


“Pirro 2006: Her husband may have cheated on his taxes, but at least he didn’t cheat on her with a chubby intern.”
“Pirro 2006: Won’t disgrace herself by showing slide shows of her family reunion set to the tune of ‘Dueling Banjos‘” (moderately work safe, but hard to justify – via BoingBoing)
“Pirro 2006: She won’t dance around the issues.”
“Pirro 2006: Never lost a billing record.”
“Pirro 2006: Leaving cattle futures to the cowboys.”
“Pirro 2006: Her other car ISN’T a broom.”
“Pirro 2006: Because sometimes it’s just WRONG to wear a bikini
(click to enlarge)

“Pirro 2006: She can stay awake for an entire State of the Union Address.”
(click to enlarge)

“Pirro 2006: Because as far as we know, this is the only thing Hillary stands for.”


Feel free to show your patriotism in the comments.

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 13 – Sticking Out

PREVIOUS
My leg was stiff, and, to add to it, the air whistling through the entrance and exit bullet holes on my pants’ leg was a bit annoying. Still, I stumbled quickly through the streets to get back to my hotel room to get some unperforated pants among other things. There wasn’t time to waste.
I casually looked around to make sure I wasn’t being followed – maybe a little paranoid but I’d just call it cautious. I then clicked on my communicator. “Dip, I need you to find any juicy rumors about Senator Gredler that are circulating.”
“Interesting. You usually don’t care much about who you are contracted to kill.”
“Well, this one was different to begin with and getting… more different.”
“I have information about Diane Thompson if you want it.”
“Yeah. Read off to me the main points.”
“Please clarify.”
“Where is she from, how old is she, long as she been in the police force, any cases she has worked on that stick out…”
“Stick out how?”
“Arrested someone of a high profile, any shoot outs. Dip, can’t you figure out what data sticks out?” The sentients I passed by didn’t pay me any attention; it’s common for people to walk around talking to no one. It’s really hard to act insane enough for people to notice in a modern city.
“She is from Nar Valdum city. She is thirty-four years old. She has been a part of the police for more than twelve years, and she has been involved in four shootouts I have found out about. Killed a sentient in one, killed one sentient and wounded a second in another. Inflicted no injuries in the others, but received a bullet to the shoulder in one while her partner was shot multiple times and killed.”
Hadn’t seen her with a partner. “How long ago was that?”
“About two years. The assailants were caught and are currently serving life sentences in prison.”
Wow. Dip answered my next question before I could ask it. Maybe he was getting smarter. “Send me all her case data so I can look over it.”
“There is something else that seems to stand out though it does not have to do with her police work, Rico.”
“What?”
“When she was thirteen, her parents were murdered in front of her.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Now that’s juicy. Tell me more.”
“Suspects were never caught. Suspicion they were killed on the orders of the Randatti criminal syndicate. They are the rival of your employers, correct?”
I ignored the question; this was just too good. “Send me all the information on that.” I figured I’d be spending all my time in my hotel room reading until my date with the emotionally scarred detective with a long time chip on her shoulder. “Good find, Dip. Having one’s parent killed in front of you tends to be a defining moment.”
“Were your parents killed in front of you, Rico?”
“One of them.” Whoops.
“Did you kill that parent?”
I just laughed. “I’m starting to like you, Dip.”
“I am glad, Rico. I have some new conclusions to ask you about.”
“Don’t have time for it, Dip. Too much going on with this job. Come to think of it, I have another task for you. Keep watch for mentions of an assassination attempt on Senator Gredler… outside of a terrorist attack, that is. You’ll probably have to hack into some official channels for it.”
“Are you suspected, Rico?”
“They seem to know something is coming.”
“I will need to factor that into the probability of escape plans being successful.”
“Yes you will.” Didn’t look like this was going to be a run in, shoot everybody, and run away type of job… not if I cared to live.
Which I do.
“Rico, why the interest in the detective? Based on data of celebrities known to be attractive, I have given Diane Thompson a 78% chance of being considered attractive.”
“Thanks, but I think I can determine that myself.” Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone watching me. I really did not like this situation I had been put in. Not having any weapons really made it worse, but I was almost to my hotel. “I’m meeting her for dinner, Dip.”
“Since they may be looking for an assassin, is it safe to have close contact with a police officer?”
“Not for her.”
NEXT

Time to Make August Exciting… Politically!

Man, it’s rough for us pundits (or those of us who play pundit on the internet). August is always the most boring month politically… and this is an off-year! No big elections for over a year! I mean, we’re really grasping at straws for something to talk about.
Does it have to be this way, though? How about we have a few special things happen on August on every odd-numbered year to make it the most exciting time politically outside of a presidential election. Isn’t that a great idea?
Of course it is!
Here are my suggestions:
IDEAS FOR MAKING AUGUST THE MOST EXCITING MONTH IN POLITICS

Continue reading ‘Time to Make August Exciting… Politically!’ »

News Update: Diddy Dropping P For Less Fortunate

Rapper Sean Combs, previously known as Puff Daddy and more recently P Diddy is dropping the ‘P’. Combs, 35, contends that this name change is not merely an effort to get his face back in the public eye to promote his music career, clothing line, various restaurants and television ventures. He says: “I’m not just about about making money. I’m dropping the P to help the less fortunate. For the renally challenged, to help them check their blood or whatever. You know.”
A press release issued by Bad Boy Records reveals the dropped P is intended to be used to power medical devices containing a special battery recently developed to run on human ‘p’.
Could yet another name change could be in the future for Diddy? Perhaps so, says the artist, “If they make something that runs on diddy, then I’ll probably drop that too.”

A Great Post at the Huffington Post

Not by Gutfeld! And it was on the frontpage!
Check it out.
UPDATE: Duh. I’ve seen this guy before. He’s a Philadelphia talk show host who has IMAO on the blog links section of his webpage. Just goes to show you that reading IMAO make you smart and articulate… despite my own grammar problems.

Worthy Charities

Here are some worthy charities you may want to consider sending your hard-earned dollars to:

  • The Museum of Lactose Intolerance: All of history’s ills can be traced back to the inability to digest dairy products. Never again will man suffer so much for a glass of milk.
  • Doctors Without Bordens: Physicians from around the world lending their time and skills to the sick, needy, and unpasteurized.
  • The National Association for the Advancement of Cow Pastures – Without cow pastures, we would have no cows. We must save our cow pastures and expand them when possible

Thank you, and moo.

God Bless and Watch Over the Chosen People

This morning, FOX and Friends went live to Israeli soldiers knocking down the door of some settlers. There wasn’t a violent confrontation inside, just lots of crying. They had stayed their 32 years as the Palestinians shelled them. They had lost a son to that violence. All that strength in the face of adversity, and now their government was evicting them.
The mother cried, “Is there anyone in the world who cares what is happening to us?” The Israeli settlers had been lambasted by about every country in the world, and now, their only supporters, their fellow Jews, had turned against them.
America seems to be Israelis only friend in this world, but they deserve a better one.
UPDATE: Ariel Sharon: “Attack me, I am responsible for this, attack me, accuse me, don’t attack the men and women in uniform.”