The dragon puffs smoke.
Blinds and dizzies with no harm.
Michael Moore is fat.
Archive of entries posted on 23rd August 2005
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 15 – Humor
PREVIOUS
“So will you proceed unarmed, Officer Rico?”
Dip had started calling me “officer.” I decided to ignore it. “What do you think?”
“You seem to dislike being without guns. I also think that, if you are found to have weapons, you’ll probably kill the witnesses. That won’t be very police officer like of you.”
I was about to give Dip an odd glance, but then I remembered he was just a voice in my ear. I was taking a few armaments with me – guns, explosives – and, yes, I would kill the Detective and any other officers around if my weapons were discovered. But, they would only be discovered if I had to use them, which meant I had been placed in a dangerous position where I had no option but to shoot back at some criminals. So, if I had to kill the Detective on that matter, it would be for her own incompetence.
“Officer Rico, this seems like a lot of effort to get a little information.”
“I just think I’m going to be needing that information, Dip. I have the feeling Gredler is involved in something big, and things just aren’t adding up.”
“Maybe you should have me do the adding; I’m very good with math.”
That was enough. “Dip, are you being stupid, or are you trying to make jokes?”
“The latter. I took what you meant metaphorically and treated it literally. I understand with some jokes…”
“Why are you trying to be funny, Dip?”
“You have been very hard to get input from, thus, using a random number generator, I’ve decided to try different things to see if they suit you better. It does seem like you could use more humor, Rico.”
I just grunted in response as I picked out a coat. It had been warm out, so I needed one I could conceal everything with while not making myself too hot. “Dip, how is the extraction plan going?”
“I have a new plan which I rate to have approximately a 23.847% chance of success. Do you like the number? I made it more computer like instead of a nice round number.”
“I don’t care how many decimal spaces you give me, Dip; I need a much better plan.”
“As for your own plan, what happens if you are unable to gain Detective Thompson’s trust to get the information from her?”
“What do you think?”
“I think you will drag her into a dark alley, beat the information out of her, and then kill her – probably with a blaster so you won’t get a mess on yourself.”
That was almost eerie. Dip really did seem to be making an effort to understand me. “You’re beginning to think like a hitman, Dip.”
“That makes an interesting irony: for the Detective to live, she has to be naive enough to trust a psychopath.”
I put on a nice light jacket. “Live longer, at least.”
“I think you should revisit my conclusion that you are evil, Rico.”
“I told you I don’t have time for that; too much work to do to indulge your learning algorithms.”
“Do you really think you’ll be able to find the terrorists, Officer Rico?”
“A killer in search of killers – it just might work.” I had a keen eye – that’s how I survive – and it seemed I should be able to do this… or at least impress the Detective enough in the attempt. Then maybe she could help me find out why this hit seemed so odd. I still couldn’t quite place my finger on exactly what disturbed me so much, but I think I might actually be… scared.
Is that possible?
“Rico! Knock. Knock.”
“Shut up, Dip.”
NEXT
Readers’ Choice
We Need Petitions!
Is there anything more useless than an internet petition? Yes, but those things aren’t worth the time it would take mentioning them.
Anyway, does someone know how to set up one? I always get Democrat spam for new petitions (fire Rumsfeld, impeach Bush, etc.) so any idiot must be able to do it (just not this idiot). I want a petition for President Bush to bitch-slap Senator Hagel (I decided punch was too harsh and that a bitch-slap was more likely to happen). We then need a million signatures and can send it to the President. Hopefully, it can also be used against Hagel when he inevitably tries to make a presidential run.
“If you have so much popular support as you claim, then how come there was a popular internet petition started by fellow Republicans to have you bitch-slapped?”
It’s a good idea, and, like most good ideas, I don’t have time for it. Someone get to it!
let your voices be heard!
Patrick Ruffini has a very, very, very early 2008 presidential straw poll worth checking out. I’m just sad there isn’t a selection for candidate for whom you would most like to see eaten alive by fire ants. Hmmmm . . . that gives me an idea . . .
Putting a big fat “ass” in assassination
A lot of people are up in arms over televangelist Pat Robertson calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
This is what happens when I forget to check my voicemail in the morning.
“Hey, Laurence… first off, God bless you, even if you don’t accept Jesus Christ as your savior and was a part of the Hebrew cabal to kill our messiah and His only son two thousand years ago… I need a favor… could you use some of your Jesus-killing skills on a certain Venezuelan that’s been in the news… and, no, I’m not talking about Antonio Banderas, even if he’s a forniacting homosexual… hold on… let me check my map… all you’ll need to do is go through Central America and you’re right there… then just head to Brazil and walk on the dotted line to North Africa… you’ll be safe there as long as you don’t act too Jewish, then got terrorists there, you know… okay, so let me know if you’re interested and where we should put the money, like you don’t control the banking industry already… how do you hang this thing up… wait… hold on…”
I knew I should have checked it before taking a shower. Now he’s gone public.
Stupid televangelists.
All Your Blogs Are Belong to Us
Michelle Malkin (who is on vacation now) is now number one on the TTLB Ecosystem with 6,238 links to it, having now just surpassed Instapundit, home of the blender. IMAO currently hold the number thirty-three spot (though we bounce around a lot) with 1,692 links to us.
The number one spot should be ours!
That means we have a 4,546 link gap to make up – almost more than we have readers – but I think we can do it. It should be easier to wrestle the number one spot away from Malkin than it was Reynolds because she is only a girl. What you, my loyal, mindless readers, must do is find any blog that doesn’t link to IMAO and send them an e-mail asking why they hate freedom and love monkeys. Use profanity if you think it will help.
Come on. Get on with it!
UPDATE: Does this count as an Alliance victory?
IMAO “Back to School” audio now available!
The latest IMAO audio production (posted Monday August 22 at 10:30pm Pacific) is now available for download to your computer!
In this week’s episode:
- Frank and the IMAO Bloggers start their own college: “IMAO U.”
- Spacemonkey, Harvey, RightWingDuck get professorial
- Samurai Partying Tips
- Fun Facts about Illinois
- Sarah reviews Fox’s “Arrested Development” second season on DVD
- Laurence’s bedtime story mentions Michelle Malkin
You can comment on this week’s episode, get exclusive behind-the-scenes knowledge of how the shows are written and produced, and interact directly with the IMAO Bloggers in the Fan Forum on the updated IMAO Podcast website brought to you by Spacemonkey.