Evil Glenn’s Summer Camp

(A Filthy Lie)
So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum
HARV: Mornin’ Sarah. You’re looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?
sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much… we should do more to give back to the community… something charitable
HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That’s sorta like charity.
sarah: i like diamonds! they’re shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.
HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!
sarah: ummmm…. maybe there’s another way to help children. there’s an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i’ll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.
HARV: Well… it IS in Iowa, and I do need to do some research for that upcoming podcast
sarah: great!… oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.
so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp – Glenn Reynolds…(continued in extended entry)

Continue reading ‘Evil Glenn’s Summer Camp’ »

you make the call . . .

. . . what’s in the cabinet?

Continue reading ‘you make the call . . .’ »

New IMAudiO on Monday: The Corrupting Influence

We are in the process of completing the IMAudiO production for Monday August 29th. Like most of our previous IMAudiO productions, this week’s show has a theme: “The Corrupting Influence” and features a blogging guest star!
Learn more about our weekly IMAudiO productions (which you can listen to on any computer with speakers or download to any portable media player that plays MP3s) on our sister website.
You can get pre-release hints about Monday’s “Corrupting Influence” IMAudiO production or comment about any of our previous audio masterpieces in our IMAudiO Fan Forum.

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 18 – Admissable

PREVIOUS
“How is terrorist hunting going, Rico?”
“I don’t have time to talk, Dip.”
“I thought I would inform you of some pertinent information I found. Diane Thompson holds the record of most citizen complaints against a Nar Valdum City police officer. Her nickname is ‘Tommy-gun.’ This is in reference to a 20th century human firearm that…”
“Thanks, Dip. Now go away.”
“We will speak later, Officer Rico.”
The Detective looked away from the shop ahead of us where apparently pig-drinker had run too. “Who’s Dip?”
“My computer.”
“What’s the name stand for?”
“Huh?”
“D-I-P, what does that stand for?”
“It doesn’t stand for anything; I just call him ‘Dip.'”
“So, what did he want?”
We’re looking for terrorists! Why was she still giving me the third degree? “He’s one of those learning algorithms. Always wants to contact me and ask questions.” If the Detective really had that many complaints against her and was still holding her job, that seemed like it would speak to her skills at getting cases solved. That assured me now, but would be trouble if I kept close to her.
The Detective looked back to the store. It was a shop devoted to Islamic merchandise. She hit a few buttons on her wrist keypad, and Zippy turned to the shop and made a clicking noise.
The Detective stared through her glasses at apparently nothing. “The building has a large basement… maybe eight people down there. Pretty sure they are armed.”
“Sounds like we found them, Detective. Let’s call the backup.”
“Not going to happen, Rico… and my name is Thompson, if you forgot it.”
“Why can’t we call backup, and can I call you ‘Blondie?'”
Thompson looked at me sternly. “Let’s stay serious, Rico. Now, my looking into that building using Zippy was technically an illegal search. Can’t use it as evidence or call backup to enter the premises using it. Actually, I shouldn’t even have a device equipped with such an ability.”
“So this is what police work is like on civilized worlds?” I asked, choosing a tone of disdain.
“It has its advantages and disadvantages– for the populace, that is.”
“So what do we need to be able to get the police on this place?”
“Evidence, legally obtained, or a violent disturbance. I could barge in there, get them to shoot at me, and then we’d have the police here in no time. Police barging into places tends to get the lawyers to dismiss evidence, so we might not be able to prosecute them afterwards.”
I gave her a shocked look – though I actually did fully understand behind admissible evidence and illegal search and seizures. “Prosecution ain’t a problem if they’re dead.”
Now she gave me a shocked look. “I have some idea of how you do things back on Rikar, but I prefer bringing in the criminals alive. Now, with these type of people who don’t even care for their own lives, that will be hard. But, we need at least some to question. Now, I’m all for making an illegal entry if we can at least stop the terrorist attacks, but I’d rather a plan where we kinda stick to the law… or close to it.”
I was silent for second as I pretended to be thinking. “Now, since I’m not a police officer, if I barged in there, got them to shoot at me, then could you charge perfectly legally, right?”
She smiled. “You seemed to have grasped that concept pretty quickly, Rico. That would work, but there’s the whole downside of being shot at… which sometimes involves actually being shot.”
“Well… could you lend me a gun?”
“That would get me in huge trouble, Rico.” She then smiled at me again – a seductive smile? She pressed up against me, her hands moving along my body. Then she patted the guns I had concealed at each side. She pushed herself away from me, still holding the same smile. “Why don’t you use your own guns, Rico.”
I am great at concealing firearms. Could she actually tell, or did she assume and confirmed her assumption by that little maneuver? I realized I really had to stop underestimating Detective Thompson.
I smiled weakly. “I don’t like walking around unarmed.”
“Neither do I. Now let’s get to this; another strike could be about to happen as we speak.”
I nodded and walked towards the shop.
“Rico,” she called out, “I don’t how much this means when you’re entering a place with the intention of being shot at, but be careful.”
“Don’t worry; I know what I’m doing.”
“I’m sure you do. God bless you, Rico.”
I sincerely doubted He would, even if He was the violent bastard the Islamists thought He was. But I smiled back at Diane when she said it, because soon I would be shooting people – and when is that not fun?
NEXT

HuffPuff

How many people here visit the Huffington Post? If you watch the headlines they put up, the might as well rename the site “Bad Stuff ‘Bout the Bush Administration.” Strangely, right now the main headline is that 90% of people agree that anti-war protestors have a right to “voice concerns.”
They think that’s news?
Every once in a while, there’s a good post at HuffPo (rarely on the front page), but it’s really like finding a needle in a haystack (well, a pile of something else is probably a better analogy for the liberal tripe that’s their norm).
And what happened to Gutfeld? Did finally sack him for always making fun of everybody else at HuffPo?
UPDATE: Click on the bio in this post and get Gutfeld’s “Secret Blog.” (thanks to reader RW for pointing that out)

Friday Catblogging

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO.
Today, it’s Nardo staring at a cabinet:


If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is a member of the Neo-Nazi hate group Stormfront and he’s looking for a map to Crawford so he can protest against President Bush along with fellow Jew-hating, Israel-bashing Cindy “Mama Moonbat” Sheehan.
(For more animal goodness, try The Friday Ark and Carnival of the Cats on Sundays.)

New Logo!

Blogads wants a new logo! You can win $1000 (and I can win $300 if you say IMAO sent you). Get to it, honorable ronin. A great samurai is versed in the arts as well as the sword (Miyamato Mushashi did many paintings).

What Am I Doing Here?

I had something I wanted to post about, but I can’t remember what now. I’m too young for a senior moment.
Hey, I didn’t do a Haiku yesterday. Here’s one:
I shot the sheriff.
But deputy is unharmed.
How about a plea?

Did Frank Live?

As you may have heard, a hurricane hit Florida! Did I and SarahK survive?
I’ll tell you at the end of the day, so stay tuned!