BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 19)
Jumping so that you land on a staircase is quite problematic. A stairway, of course, is made from numerous flat surfaces, but land on it stretched out and you hit nothing but edges. Luckily, when I leapt into the basement, another terrorist was heading up. I plowed into him and he cushioned my fall to his own detriment. He also caused his friends to hesitate in firing at me, something I used to my advantage as I rolled off the stairway to my feet.
I fired rapidly as I charged forward, not having time to worry about leaving people alive for Tommy’s sake. I few shots rang off in my direction, but these terrorists were of the “pull the trigger rapidly and pray” school and weren’t even close to hitting me. Four were soon dead and burned enough to smell like pork, and I spotted a fifth frantically removing a disk from a computer. Something familiar was on screen and then quickly disappeared. The alien terrorist then tried to spin around and shoot me, but I was on him and smashed him in the face. He fell to the ground and his gun skid along the floor away from him.
One was left running to a panel on the back of the room. He had flipped it open, but I shot him in the leg dropping him to the ground. I then had a second to see a wire coming out of the panel and then spidering out to numerous explosive charges. The wounded man reached up for the panel, but this time I shot the wire. The flicking of the switch by the terrorist achieved nothing.
I walked over to him and recognized the face. “Hey, Mohammed,” I said cheerily just for the fun of it before I knocked him unconscious.
“Leave any alive?” Thompson asked from behind me, now at the bottom of the stairway. She just wasn’t quick enough to enjoy that action.
“Alive, yes; conscious, no. We have Mohammed right here. That guy over there.” I pointed to the one by the computer I had punched out. “And possibly the two by the stairs.” I motioned to the one I knocked over lying on top of the one Zippy stunned. If they were alive, they probably had some bad concussions. “By the way, you’re welcome for me keeping you from being blown up. Now where’s the cavalry?”
Thompson was looking at a computer that had been left on. “Outside waiting for the SWAT team.” She stared carefully at the computer. “I think there’s a strike about to take place at Roppola Plaza!” She got up and walked on to the stairway. “I need to get those cowards waiting outside in here; do you have everything secure down here, Rico?”
I laughed. “They weren’t much of challenge for me when they were standing, Blondie.”
“Don’t call me that,” she said as she headed up the stairway, her little Zippy robot flying along.
I put my guns away and quickly got to the terrorist I punched out by the computer. I got the disk from him; if it was what I thought, it could be a good ace up my sleeve for later on.
The alien terrorist was awake and looking at me. I smiled. “Let’s keep this between you and me.” I held up my empty hands and kicked his gun towards him.
The idiot grabbed it.
He had just got his finger through the trigger guard when I had drawn and put a hole through his head.
Tommy was back down the stairway in an instant, staring down at the dead alien clutching a gun. “What happened?”
“I thought he was unconscious!” I blurted out in a pitch perfect imitation of nervousness. It could only have been better acting if I could cause my heart to race. “Sorry… sorry…”
The two cops we had met earlier were now heading down the stairs with their guns drawn. They looked at the scene with shock. “You and the hero did this, Tommy-gun?” the female asked.
All me. She hadn’t even fired a shot. “Just help me secure things down here,” Thompson commanded, “We have another terrorist attack to prevent.”
I could hear more sirens outside. The place would soon be quite crowded, and I put away my gun. This time, I was going to hold on to them, and the onus was on Detective Thompson to explain the armed involvement of a “civilian.” Whether she could do that and keep her job or not, I was coming out of this a hero again.
All in all, it was a nice little shoot out, but bigger things were still to come before this job was over.
NEXT
Archive of entries posted on 30th August 2005
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Maybe They’ll Think THIS is Funny
A while back I was criticized by some leftists for not being funny, so I decided to see if I could learn their ways so that I could, perhaps, better appeal to their peculiar sense of humor.
So… what do leftists find funny?
Well, after I Google Image searched for pictures of Bush, I found…
Let me rephrase that… after I Google Image searched with “safe search” enabled, I found out that leftists are highly amused by crudely defaced pictures:
(click to enlarge)
Ok, then I think they should get a pretty good laugh out of this Cindy Sheehan picture:
(click to enlarge)
So, if I soak it in urine, do you think I could get a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts?
Refugees
Cat Burglar
A couple from Itzstedt, Germany came home to discover a cat burglar had broken in and wrecked the place.
But this was no ordinary cat burglar…
The “cat burglar” had somehow crawled into the ground-floor of the apartment, broken window blinds, torn down drapes and trashed furniture.
Police also found fish and fish remains from a broken aquarium scattered around the apartment, said Julika Reinhardt, spokesman for the police in the town north of Hamburg.
Two officers finally found the offender, a cat, hiding under a kitchen cabinet but the heavyweight male resisted arrest, biting one officer in the thumb before they both managed to overpower it.
Reinhardt said the cat, wearing a name tag, was returned to its owner who would have to pay for the damage.
I think Cadet Happy may be on to something… Anti-Cat Cat Burglar Security Systems!
If only Spacemonkey weren’t missing in the storm, he could start building these things. Then Frank could market them, Sarah could model them, and we could demonstrate them on Nar-
Um… stuffed animal toys. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Not Without Our Spacemonkey
A Day in the Life: 08/30/05
Hi, it’s Frank J. Now, when blogs started, most people just used them as online diaries. I’ve never done that, but I thought I might give it a shot. It could be instructive to some people to know what a day in the life of a Republican is like. So, here’s my day so far:
I woke up this morning hating poor people – as always. Soon, I had my coffee and was reading the paper, dismayed once again that not enough brown-people in foreign countries are being killed. Doesn’t anyone understand how important oil interests are for my portfolio and that blood must be spilled for it? I get so mad sometimes that I think the only way I could cheer up would be to kick an orphan.
I tried to take my mind off all that and ended up contemplating the contention that we Republicans have never worked an honest day in our lives. That is just so untrue. I mean, I count my money (I’d never let someone else do it), and that’s honest work. Sure, the money was earned dishonestly and usually at the cost of the downtrodden, but I count it honestly as I would not lie about my financial situation to myself.
I decided that was enough philosophizing for one day and talked to SarahK about a good Republican hobby we could share together. My idea was we walk at night in the worst parts of town and kill whoever tries to mug us ala Death Wish. We’d get fresh air, some exercise from walking on foot, and some practical shooting experience. The only problem is we have to wait until October for the new Florida gun laws to come into effect which would make that activity perfectly legal.
To rest, I watched some news (FOX News, of course). It was nearly all hurricane coverage, but it was all about the plight of people and not about how this hurricane could affect my stocks. For a supposedly right-wing network, it could do better to cater to its audience.
Eventually, they broke from the hurricane coverage to some other news stories about an escaped monkey and Cindy Sheehan (not quite related). Cindy Sheehan has been a big concern for us neocons. I, like most neocons, am secretly Jewish and am trying to divert all of the U.S. government’s funds to helping Israel and its Zionism. The entire Bush administration is actually Jewish too, except for the gullible born-again Christian Dubya himself. He’s simply our dupe to have our bidding done. But, if Cindy Sheehan successfully gets another audience with Bush, she could tell him all about how the war in Iraq is all about Israel. We’ll lose our dupe! Something has to be done about Cindy Sheehan, and I hear there are plans to steal her gardening hat which we have theorized to be the source of her power.
That’s enough stress for one day; I could literally kill for a martini right now. Literally. Killing hardly ever leads to a martini, though.
Where’s my butler? I need to send him to the store to get more vermouth. Can’t go to the store myself as I might have to interact with commoners. Someone should really make special convenience store for rich Republicans like me where we can go shop on emergency occasions when we can’t find our butler and not have to worry about running into common folk.
Where is that butler? He’s never there when I need him.
I bet he’s a Democrat.
Lesser-known Jewish Holidays
As a part of the new IMAO Diversity Program started by Spacemonkey (or was it Right Wing Duck cribbing it up using Spacemonkey’s letterhead again?), I’ve been asked to provide a list of lesser-known Jewish holdiays.
So, here’s the slate of lesser-known Jewish holdiays that shaped a young Laurence Simon into the wise and strong adult Laurence Simon you see here today (in addition to many boxes of Hostess Cupcakes, countless sixpacks of Miller Lite, and more prescriptions for Allegra than you can count on a millipede’s feet).
Today’s Haiku
NEW! Sarah K’s “Blonded Me With Science” audio
As promised in the show notes of our latest IMAudiO production, Scott has produced and posted Sarah K’s very funny “Blonded Me With Science” skit.
Listen live at:
http://www.imaopodcast.com/podcast/IMAO-Addiction.mp3
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