Instapundette

(A Filthy Lie)
First Frank brings up the fact that Glenn Reynolds may have switched his blending preference from canine to ursine.
Then Frank gets all sexist by suggesting how incompetent a mob of female assassins would be.
Combining these ideas, I can’t help but wonder how Instapundit would be different if Reynolds were a woman.
First, I guess she’d be referred to as “Evil Glennda”.
Probably still blend puppies, since dogs are man’s best friend, and you know how jealous women can get.
Blending bear cubs? Definitely, since most women think guns are icky, and all American bears are kept armed (it’s right there in the Constitution, people).
Yeah, I know SarahK’s a woman and she LIKES guns, but she’s really pretty and – since you know how jealous women can get – it’s just another reason for bear-blending to Glennda.
But would Glennda still be conservative?… Doubtful, since most women are touchy-feely liberals.
Yeah, I know Ann Coulter’s conservative, but she’s blond and pretty (just like SarahK!) and – since you know how jealous women can get – it implies that Glennda would blend anthing blond or even yellow, like bananas and canaries – possibly with honey, strawberries, dishwater, bleach and/or peroxide.
Mao-worshipping? – Nah. Everyone knows girls like Che Guevera.
Punching Frank J.? Oh HELL yeah! Even pretty girls like SarahK enjoy THAT!
Satan-worshipping? Nah… all chicks are Christians who drag you to boring church services & tell you to read the Bible, then get mad when you start reading the dirty parts, like where Solomon is ogling naked women whose breasts are like clusters of grapes.
Murdering hobos? Well, women DO like that unkempt “bad boy” look, and they seem to prefer men who drink too much (just like SarahK!). Of course, all women eventually DO go crazy and give midnight Bobbitectomies, so I’m not sure whether to count that as murder or not.
Penguin Porn? Women just don’t like porn. However they ARE hot for a man in a tux – expecially if he looks like a bad boy & drinks too much. Glennda might watch it if it were one of those soft-core things on Lifetime or Oxygen.
Other than that, probably the only noticable change to Instapundit would be a barely-noticable alteration of the background hue on the site:

Think there’d be any other differences?

Preparing for the deluge of requests to vote on Podcast Alley…

Tomorrow, the month of October begins, and you will be deluged with requests to vote for pretty much every podcast under the sun on Podcast Alley. Podcast Alley’s site will crumble under the weight of traffic, just like two point seven million people on the Texas Gulf Coast jammed the freeways and highways and byways trying to get out of the way of Hurricane Rita.
This will not do. We must learn from their mistakes. (Not mine, of course. I didn’t make any mistakes. I stayed put, waited for contraflow lanes, and then saw that the path of Rita had changed. Nyah nyah!)
So go ahead and bookmark IMAO’s podcast details now and be prepared to vote for IMAO’s podcast. Because if you don’t, this cat will be angry with you:


Doesn’t he look angry? That is one angry cat. He is absolutely orange with anger.

See? I told you he’s angry. And there’s nothing that makes him angrier than when people don’t vote for the IMAO podcast bright and early at the first opportunity.
So don’t make the cat angry. Set your alarm clock for really early in the morning and vote for the podcast.
As for Jews who observe the Sabbath and cannot operate machinery or do work until sundown, what’s five minutes going to hurt? And don’t tell me you haven’t dreamed of haming a ham and cheese sandwich with bacon on it.

Carrrrrnival of Comedy

The twenty second (22nd) carnival of comedy is up at Steve the Pirate. Like the number, the carnival itself is TWO TWO funny. HAH! (ooosh, it hurts being that corny.)
Steve, whom you may remember from the megahit DODGEBALL, is also the guy who pilots the Serenity. He goes by the name Wash in that reality. Ironic, since pirates rarely do that.
Any way, support starving humorists by reading and linking to this weeks carnival.
But be careful some of the the entries are rated…

Continue reading ‘Carrrrrnival of Comedy’ »

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 38 – Fear of the Unknown

BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 37)


“Do you know what you’re doing?”
“Always.” Only a white lie.
I had to remember they were more scared of me than I was on them (actually, I had to stifle laughter when I first saw the crowd), so I walked out slowly with my hands up so they wouldn’t immediately start shooting. I then headed for the lobby from where I heard Morrigan.
It was a ridiculous scene. I don’t want to sound sexist as I understand the use of female assassins and spies, but actually seeing about fifty women (mainly humans) standing around in outfits ranging from fancy dresses to street clothes to combat fatigues all pointing guns at me was a sight hard to take seriously. Morrigan was dressed in what looked like some sort of special forces outfit and was holding a rifle. Her expression was anger. The other expressions went the whole gambit from anticipation to disdain to fear. Definitely a wide range of experience here, and certainly more than enough to gun me down.
“I’m afraid Diane accidentally killed two of your girls,” I told Morrigan, “You shouldn’t surprise us like this.”
“Shut up!” Morrigan shouted, “You betrayed me – you betrayed Corloni.”
“Just strategy; I knew you wouldn’t get hurt,” I slowly lowered my hands, “Aren’t we on the same side here?”
“You joined with Gredler!”
“I merely gained his confidence; I would have killed him then, but the contract was specific when I killed him. As usual, I wasn’t given much more instructions so I’m doing this my own way.”
“I gave you instructions!”
I smiled slightly. “But come on, it would be irresponsible for me to blindly trust you. So, what are you doing here?” I looked around at the group. “Are you thinking of doing me harm are you?”
Morrigan looked past me to Diane. “Are you aligning yourself with this psychopath, Detective?”
“Apparently, I have to choose a psychopath,” Diane answered dryly, “and I’ve known him longer.” She looked at a woman near her. “I’m new to this whole hire killer thing, but shouldn’t you be more subtle than this?”
“What are you doing here, Morrigan?” I asked, “Things aren’t supposed to go down for more than a day from now. Does Corloni know you’ve come to kill me?”
“You’ve made yourself a liability, Rico.”
My hands were at my sides, waiting to draw my concealed blaster that they all knew I had. “So you’re going to kill me now? How is that going to affect the hit on Gredler?”
“He’ll be dead tomorrow morning,” Morrigan spat at me, “Him and all the Randatti on this planet. I’m not sure you’ll last that long.”
I laughed. “I know Corloni didn’t send you to kill me tonight, Morrigan. They want me to die in the shootout… which I guess has been moved up a day and some more Corloni thugs are being sent to crowd you out of the glory. You might think I’m some unhinged crazy person, but I know how things work. And I bet you didn’t tell your girls you’re here against orders.”
A few looked at her suspiciously. “What do you know, you psycho?” she yelled.
“I know they obviously haven’t told you everything. Yes, you’re here to make sure Gredler dies. Yes, you’re here to make sure I die. Yes, this is to all start a war. Yes, Corloni wants me dead because they think I’m a liability. But what you don’t know is why they want me to die in a huge shootout like the hit on Gredler and not have thug like you just shoot me in the back of the head, and that’s the important part. That’s why you’ll be in trouble for this.”
“I know you’re just talking so we don’t gun you down.” I could see she was thinking, trying to figure out if there was anything to what I was saying.
“True, and I know your group could burn me to nothing before I get off…” I paused to pretend to think. “…maybe two or three shots.”
A lot of the killerinas were looking confused, but one was looking particularly vengeful (maybe Diane or I had killed a friend of hers) and she shouted, “Let’s just do this!”
“If anyone fires without my order, I will personally kill her!” Morrigan shouted so quickly she wasn’t able to hide her fear.
“We’re going to go now,” I told them, “If you get front seats for the event tomorrow, maybe I’ll see you then.” I smiled keeping eye contact with Morrigan as I backed out the front door of the complex with Diane. Morrigan had her pride, but she also knew her limitations.
That could make her dangerous… but not right now.
Once outside, I drew my guns, and we made a run for her car. “What was that about?” Diane asked as she started the car as I jumped in the passenger seat.
“Morrigan wasn’t sure they’d be able to kill me before I could get off a shot… and she knew where that first shot was going.”
The car took off with a jolt. “That wasn’t what I was asking about. What doesn’t she know?”
“That was a bluff.”
“You don’t seem like the bluffing type.”
You think you’re so smart, don’t you? “Do you know someplace to hide out?”
“I can think of something.”
“You have a call from Gredler’s office,” said Dip in my ear.
“Let’s talk.” Looked like there was only a little time for talking left anyway.
NEXT

Friday Stuff

Sorry not to have a compilation of Serentity blog reviews up yet; if another blogger wants to take the iniative to do a list of links based on whether the reviewer is a Firefly fan or not, I’ll link to you in a post.
Anyway, here’s Ebert’s quite positive review (despite his liberal leaning that sometimes pop up, he’s my favorite movie reviewer). Here’s a tepid review from Harry Knowles that I think makes some good points (slight spoilers). Both were not fans of the series (I don’t think Ebert watches any TV).
Oh, and I helped in predicting who Bush would make his next Supreme Court nominee. What Unix command was I refering to?
And, since no one guessed it, here is one of my favorite Firefly lines:

Continue reading ‘Friday Stuff’ »

A Happy Spacemonkey Birthday

Yesterday (Thursday September 29) was Spacemonkey‘s birthday! I didn’t know about it until just now because I was buried under work at my day job and didn’t get online until Friday morning. On top of that, I was in Seattle to meet up with cult movie icon Bruce Campbell again. Bruce was in Seattle promoting the audio book version of his very funny Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way. The audio book is great because rather than just some cold, dry reading of the text it is a full sonic production with actors and sound effects… just like a certain podcast we all know.
Hmm, I met Bruce in June, told him about the podcast, and then he comes out with a very podcast-like audio book a few months later?
Coincidence? HA!
Anyway, this ain’t about me or Bruce Campbell. It’s about everyone wishing SPACEMONKEY a belated but happy birthday today. The man behind that drawling Spacemonkey voice in the podcast is a very gifted comedic writer, a hard working dad and an all around great guy.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPACEMONKEY!
Send him some birthday love or at the very least, your typed birthday wishes in the comments (you cheapskates).

Friday Catblogging

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO.
Today, it’s Nardo the Orangeboy shredding a wad of paper:


If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats on Sundays.)

Does this look like the face of a man who has done something unethical?

pieeater.jpg

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 37 – Ambush

BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 36)


It was one of Morrigan’s thugs. She had clothing that at first glance looked casual but was actually chosen for mobility and probably had some body armor under it – not enough for my blaster, though. Her eyes were that of a stone-cold killer. Good; I’m getting tired of dealing with amateurs. Grabbing Diane seemed like an odd miscalculation, though.
“You know my blaster could easily shoot through the two of you,” I told her, still holding Diane’s bag of weaponry in my hands. “You have basically two options here: you turn that gun on me, and then Diane will use the opportunity to take you out, or you first blow her brains out, which gives me plenty of time to draw and kill you. I’m very quick with a blaster– if you weren’t informed.”
Another woman stepped out of the room, gun pointed at me.
“Oh.”
The thug (thugette?) holding Diane suddenly fell forward, her gun firing into the head of the other woman as she did. There was a loud snap, and then there were two bodies lying on the ground in front of the still standing Detective.
“That was beautiful!”
She ran to the bathroom, and I could hear her throwing up.
“That’s less so.”
“You can buy me some more clothes,” she said as she came out, wiping her mouth with a towel which she tossed to the ground, “Let’s get out of here.”
I tossed her gun bag to her and drew my blasters. “Follow me; this ain’t a ladies first situation.”
“You’re surrounded, Rico!” a voice shouted from outside the apartment. It was Morrigan. I could hear lots of footsteps and guns being readied outside. “You’re not shooting your way out of this one! Put your guns away and step out.”
I growled in annoyance. “It was supposed to be more than a day before the fighting started. Morrigan is not playing by the rules.” I put my guns away.
“Won’t you be needing those?” Diane asked, her bag slung over her shoulder and a gun in her hand.
“No, and put yours away if you want to live.”
“Are we surrendering?” she asked angrily.
Surrender? Heh. That’s why she’s the detective and I’m the hitman. “We’re just going to walk out of here.” I reached for the knob to the apartment door, but stopped and looked to Diane. “Stay close.”
NEXT

The Tom Delay Indictment FAQ

Since Tom Delay has been indicted and everyone seems to be staring at each other with blank looks, I thought I’d explain the indictment and its political effect.
THE TOM DELAY INDICTMENT FAQ

Continue reading ‘The Tom Delay Indictment FAQ’ »

Despite All Their Rage, They’re Still Just Rats in a Cage

Guess who got confirmed as Chief Justice? Come on, guess.
78 votes, biatch. Bring on the next Justice fight!

“Dear Buddha, I’d Like a Pony and a Plastic Rocket.”

Instapundit has another list of blogger Serenity reviews. I’d like to have a list of blogger Serenity reviews categorized by whether the reviewer was a Firefly fan or not. If you could put links in the comments of reviews you’ve seen (or your own) with whether the reviewer was a Firefly fan or not (and whether the review has spoilers), I’d appreciate it.
BTW, no one has guessed my favorite line (it’s actually an exchange) from the Firefly pilot, so I’ll put it up as soon as I have time to transcribe it from the Firefly DVD.

The Long Goodbye

Well, I just spent over two hours in a meeting basically saying goobye to my weekends for the next two months.
On top of that, I found out this:

Continue reading ‘The Long Goodbye’ »

maybe she likes me better

Frank was looking over my shoulder and saw my gmail…
FRANK: You got a forward from [my ex-girlfriend]? I didn’t get a forward from her.
SARAHK: Maybe she likes me better… she never broke up with me.
FRANK: Wait, lemme go check my spam filter.
[because it couldn’t be that she likes me better, right?]
FRANK [yelling from the other room]: Nope, I guess she just emails you now!
poor thing.

that’s why i quit my job

At the press screening for Serenity last night, Frank and I sat next to three other bloggers and talked to them briefly after the movie. Here’s one snippet:
SARAHK: How do I get to your blog?
RACHEL: Well, it’s not linked on my homepage… my blog tended to get me in trouble at work.
SARAHK: Yeah, me too. That’s why I stopped working.