With the arrest of Cindy Sheehan, the roundup of all those who dissent against Bush and the war in Iraq has begun. No one who protest the Bush regime is safe – that is, if he or she is sitting in front of the White House.
But, mark my words, it won’t end there. See, there is this little thing called the “snowball effect.” When a snowball is pushed down a snowy hill, it will collect more and more snow and increase in size, turning a little snowball into a snowboulder. Of course, this varies with snow conditions (if the snow as an ice glaze on top, this won’t work). Also, a certain amount of momentum is needed with the snowball (too little, it won’t break the static friction variable; too much, and it will coast over the top of the snow). But, if the conditions are right, you’ll have a huge snowboulder once the snowball reaches the bottom of the hill.
Oh, I guess that means the size of the hill is another variable. The taller the hill, the bigger the snowball (again, if previous conditions for snowball growth are met).
I’m not sure how all of that fits into the metaphor, but at the top of the hill we have the arrest of Cindy Sheehan, and, at the bottom of the hill, we have a snowboulder so large it encompasses the arrest of all dissenters of Bush and the war (again, if snow conditions were appropriate and the correct momentum was given to the snowball and the hill is tall enough). First, we have dissenters sitting in front of the White House being arrested. Next, it’s dissenters sitting across the street from the White House. After that, it’s dissenters sitting at the Washington Monument who will be arrested (or maybe dissenters sitting at the Lincoln Memorial or the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History; it’s been a while since I’ve been to D.C. and I forget the geography). Then it will be dissenters sitting in their own homes in the D.C. area being arrested, and it will continue to spread from there until, lastly, dissenting, sitting Eskimos are arrested (Hawaii might technically be father away than Alaska, but I’d expect Bush’s storm troopers to go there first since it’s much nicer there; I mean, you’d have to have drawn the short straw to be sent to the frigid north to round up the reclined whale spearing protesters).
At this current rate, we can expect all who are against Bush and the war to be imprisoned by the year 12,647AD – a time when people should be worrying much more about the talking monkey cyborgs than being arrested for saying something bad about Bush or the war in Iraq while sitting.
Or, I could have the snowball trajectory all wrong, and it will be all those who have had relatives die in Iraq who will be arrested. It doesn’t seem that likely or probable, but it has to be considered. Much observation of the snowball will be needed to determine this for sure. Just don’t sit down, as I think that figures into the arrest equation.
Anyway, we need to stop this snowball. So how do you stop a snowball? I guess you could salt the hills. Alternatively, you could pour water on them which would freeze everything to ice and not allow snow collection if a snowball rolled down it. You could also shoot the snowball with a shotgun before it gets to big. Now, taking those metaphorical ways to stop metaphorical snowballs and translating them to real life, I’m not sure what we get. It’s possible the metaphorical shotgun becomes a real shotgun. Anyway, someone else needs to figure that out ’cause I’m kinda weary of this snowball stuff now.
But don’t lost sight of my main message here: there is snow, there are balls, there are arrests, and that all possibly means we should worry. Do you understand? If so, please explain this to me, because I’m now a little confused.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “Advanced Snowball Physics Theory” and “Capital Crimes: The Case Against Giving Cybernetic Enhancements to Monkeys”.
Well, as least they won’t be gassed. Gas is just too expensive these days.
But when a snowball rolls down a hill, it gets faster too. Given a large enough hill, I theorize that it gets exponentially faster until it reaches the point where the snowball is existing at all points in the universe simultaneously.
Taking that to its logical conclusion, I believe all the protestors have already been arrested billions of years ago.
There’s no account for friction tho. After the snowball reaches a given speed, it’ll start to experience friction, which will in turn start to melt the snowball. I think. Uh, Frank’s right. This IS confusing.
Winter sucks anyway.
I’ve never seen a snowball roll down a hill like that, and frankly, I find the theory dubious. Someone should check snopes. However, it is clear that playdough can be rolled to get bigger like this. Adjust your mataphor to use a huge mountain of playdough instead of snow and the application of metaphor to real life becomes clearer.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to start an avalanche to collect all the protesters?
frank, you forgot to factor in the slope of the hill in question. obviously, the steeper the slope of the hill, the faster the snowball will morph into a giant protest eating snowman (who happens to look a lot like rush limbaugh. i’m sure there’s a complex mathmatical formula that will explain this, but math makes my hair hurt…)
Frank, you should become a professor of snoballology.
Is this a snow job?
How can ANY of this work in Arizona? Are protestors safe in Arizona? Or will Arizona become a sort of protestor-gulag, like Cuba?
Orion
The snoball doesn’t stand a chance in Hades with all this global squirming going on.
I liked Cindy better in the ditch. She was…more down to earth.
After the earth is sent into another Ice Age because of global warming caused by failure to sign Kyoto, making these super snowballs of dissention-smiting will be a breeze! 🙂
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PS: Visit my blog too, if you got the time! B-)[/sequence]
Frank –
Great post. Being your personal best is the key here, I think.
What does Bush like more than jacking off to the bible? Jerking off to dead black people! God Bush is a terrorist! http://www.captainfoamy.com
I think they’ll make the dissenters into gas. This German dude says he built a machine which turns kittens into gasoline, but I think we all know that’s just what the Government wants you to think. Biodiesel is people!. I’d explain more, but the Karl Rove is chasing me with a rolled up copy of the Patriot Act, so just read this link, before THEY take down the server.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1534821.html?menu=news.quirkies
according to the believers of intelligent design, the snowball will speed up at the following rate the acceleration due to gravity has been measured as 32.17f /s2 or if you insist on metric (9.81 m/s2) give or take allowing for the aforementioned friction. The rate at which this administration demonstrates its stupidity and arrogance is too large to calculate.
Does this imply that people in America do not have the righ to protest an inherent right placed into the Bill of Rights?
It wasn’t a matter of her protesting, that woman clearly wanted to be arrested. She’s the one forming up a snowball with her gloved little hands.