This week, Ryan is so proud that AI beat the Olympics, Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, and all the other shows. I’m just proud that they’ll mention shows on other networks without saying “that show where everyone gets voted off, and that show where they have ‘celebrities’ that dance”, and instead actually use real names.
Simon gives himself a 10 out of 10 on last week’s judging. I give him a 9.5, because I disagreed with him on one thing. Kellie Pickler (I can feel the eyes starting to roll).
I saw this interesting story in the news today.
We have Osama’ Bin Laden’s driver in custody. This is somebody who met Osama and knew him. So – What vital piece of intelligence have we been able to gather?
Osama Bin Laden is shy and likes hugs.
Yes, this made news. Well, if that’s good then you’re really going to have an educational moment as IMAO presents:
The Top Ten Little Known Facts about Osama Bin Laden…
10. OBL tries to make sure all of his latest audio threats are available at I-Tunes. In a blatant attempt to increase downloads – he once wrote a song about gay Al Queda cowboys.
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9. Next projects: DVD collection. Season One — OBL’s greatest threats.
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8. Although he’s shy, OBL is rumored to have once dated Lindsay Lohan.
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7. The very tall OBL was once kicked off his local basketball team. He got carried away with the bling bling. And for being a bigger ball hog than Kobe Bryant.
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6. Most embarrassing moment: Being caught wearing the same dress as Reese Witherspoon.
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5. OBL once planned to record a duet with Barbra Streisand. Unfortunately, they were unable to come to an agreement as to which one would be billed as “the pretty one.”
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4. Osama is currently working on writing a children’s book: My Fatwa- a Popup Book
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3. To overcome his shyness, OBL joined a new reality show — Dancing With Al Queda. He won first place and hit the talk show circuit. His dance partner unfortunately, let some of her ankle show beyond her burqua and had to be stoned to death.
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2. Before settling in to his trademark cloak and turban, OBL tried other trendy looks such as baggy pants, wearing one sequined glove, and Elvis jumpsuits.
And the #1 Little Known Fact about Osama Bin Laden…
Since the release of the Disco hit It’s Raining Men, pollutants released into the atmopshere have steadily increased. This, in turn, creates the phenomenon known as acid rain.
So does this mean that at some point the song needs to be updated to It’s Raining Acid Men or should it be updated to It’s Raining Men On Acid?
This short discussion involves spoilers to last night’s episode of 24:
When people first heard that the UAE were going to manage some of our ports, everyone was like, “Whatever.” Then, we found out what the ‘A’ in UAE stands for: Arab! Those crafty Muslims, trying to take over our ports without us noticing; they’re almost as sneaky as the joooos.
Now, people are concerned about port security, thus leaving it to me to tell everyone what to do:
FRANK ADVICE ON PORT SECURITY
* Remember: Ports involve delivery with ships, so, if some other vehicle than a ship comes into your port, treat it with suspicion.
* Muslim extremists could infiltrate your port and blend in with the workers. Every so often, you should yell out “Hey, Mohammed!” and see if anyone turns his head in response. Also, you might want to yell out, “Hey, Bruce!” to see if you’ve been infiltrated by filthy, thieving Australians.
* Just because someone went through all the trouble of painting “Not WMDs” on a crate, doesn’t mean it’s true. You might want to consider inspecting that one.
* Muslim extremists hate cartoon depictions of the prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), so put an unflattering comic about Mohammed on your door. If anyone tries to kill you over it, treat that person with suspicion.
* Remember: Just because someone is Arab doesn’t mean that he is a Muslim; in fact, the huge majority of Arabs in America are Christian, so, when you see an Arab, you should be more worried about a Christian extremist who will chat off your ear about “The Bible.” To shut him up, just tell him you have “The Bible: The Movie” on your Netflix list and you don’t want him to spoil it for you.
* SPOILER: Jesus gets killed. Ha, bet you thought they wouldn’t kill off the main character.
* Don’t jump to conclusions. If you hear people saying stuff like, “We’re going to steal the port,” “Let’s take over the port,” or “I’m going to smuggle WMDs in the port,” they could just be talking about port wine.
* Though you don’t have enough time to check every crate, don’t just check the first two crates from each shipment; terrorists could use that predictability against you. Sometimes, check the third and fourth crates instead. Don’t bother with the fifth and sixth crates because, even if they have WMDs in them, you’ll probably die of old age before the union workers finally unload them.
* SPOILER: Jesus comes back to life! Yes, it might seem a bit cheesy like with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but, if you paid attention, there was plenty of foreshadowing.
* Terrorist want to smuggle a nuclear bomb into America, so, if you find a nuclear bomb in one of your inspections, make sure it’s on the manifest.
* Every so often, walk among the workers asking, “Anyone know where to score some WMDs?” Maybe someone will slip up.
* Since you’re right near the water, you might want to enlist the help of Aquaman so he can swim around and… uh… On second thought, try flashing the Bat Signal.
* Another way terrorists may attack us is by smuggling in Ebola infected monkeys. So, make sure you have bananas – bananas for the monkeys.
* Monkeys like bananas.
* If you think one of the workers at the port is holding back information, you should consider beating him with a rubber hose until he talks. It’s a good idea to check union rules on that first.
* Remember: Port security starts with you. Don’t just say, “Well I don’t need to find smuggled WMDs; Jack Bauer from CTU will handle it just in time.” Jack Bauer is busy and needs sleep, so do your job!
Bird Flu has now passed from birds to cats…
The deadly strain of bird flu has been found in a cat in northern Germany, the first time the virus has been identified in the country in an animal other than a bird, a national lab said Tuesday.
The cat was found on the northern island of Ruegen, where most of the more than 100 wild birds infected by the H5N1 strain have been found, the Friedrich Loeffler institute said.
According to this expert…
** SEE UPDATES **
Sarah and I are really thrown for a loop, guys; this is my most desperate bleg ever as we really need some good advice.
As told before, we adopted the three-year-old, sixty pound, supposedly part Shepherd Rowdi (then Brownie) from PetSmart on a day when the local shelter had a booth and a bunch of dogs and cats out. Rowdi was so sweet and we felt so bad that her owners just gave her up that it didn’t take long to convince ourselves to adopt her instead of waiting to get a puppy. It seemed she would get along fine with our cats because she didn’t show the cats there any aggression. At one point, they had a blanket cover a cage full of kittens, and Rowdi kept sniffing the cage curiously as the kittens kept swatting her through the blanket (the kittens finally pulled down the blanket and were like “Oh @#$%!” when they saw what they were swatting at.
Well, the cats didn’t take to her right away, of course, and we’ve gotten a baby gate to keep her in the kitchen (though we let her watch TV with us on a leash) and have a huge metal dog crate to keep her in at night and when both of us are gone. It seemed that, gradually, they would get along.
Then we realized she’s a pit bull. It seems so obvious to everyone who has seen pictures of her, we wonder why the shelter people didn’t mention it. Actually, when she went to the vet yesterday, the doctor didn’t see any Shepherd in her. We’d be like “Whatever” except that we’ve seen all these stories about pit bulls that are like:
We had a pit bull for four years and she was the sweetest dog. She’d never showed any aggression, would rescue cats from trees, and even carefully captured spiders and released them alive outside. Then, one day, we left her home alone for an hour, and, when we returned, we found she had killed every single living thing in the neighborhood, sold all our stocks and bonds and spent the money on crack, and swallowed all our left socks. When we found her, she was just panting and smiling in the background of an Osama bin Laden video like nothing had happened.
So, even if Rowdi shows no aggression for a year, we’re worried she could just snap for no reason. In addition, we’re not sure she’s non-aggressive. She seems fine with other dogs and only barks at dogs who are her size or larger (and probably also female — Rowdi is spayed, BTW). Every once in a while, she gets excited and has what Sarah calls “crazy eyes” and will jump on us and play bite (light touches with the teeth but bites nonetheless). Since she’s sixty pounds of pure muscle, this is a bit of a problem until we learn what to do to calm her down (the obedience class mentioned grounding her by pulling her down by her collar and pushing down between her shoulder blades, but she’s too strong for that and just whimpers at me when I try).
Finally, she seems to be getting frustrated at the cats and has now a number of times growled and barked at them. The cats (especially Minerva, the older one and the one most displeased by changes in the status quo) have gotten quite brazen with knowing she’s restrained when were around and will get closer and closer to her without letting Rowdi close enough to sniff her. Minerva won’t run from Rowdi, and has only jumped back a foot once Rowdi darted at her and plunged her nose into Minerva’s side (does that count as aggression?). Minerva is constantly going into the kitchen (usually sticking to the counters) but never letting Rowdi all the way up to her. While Rowdi still usually just watches the cats quietly until she gets bored, we’re more worried that frustration will make her angry at the cats. None of the articles on introducing a dog to cats mention anything about the dog getting frustrated at constantly seeing these creatures she can’t get near, and it’s worrisome. In all indications, she’s just curious and wants to sniff them (as long as they don’t run and get her to instinctively chase them), but how can we be sure? I grew up with a German Shepherd named Lady who never successfully killed a fly (she tried once, but I later found the fly walking along the ground, covered in slobber), so I feel I might be a bit naive to the fact that some dogs kill.
So what now? We get increasingly worried every time Minerva ventures close to the kitchen when we’re not in there, and, even if the cats warm up to Rowdi and she seems fine with them, how can we be sure she won’t ever harm them. And what about when we one day have kids? Can we ever trust Rowdi around them?
We’re really stressed on this one. Rowdi is a very sweet dog who is quite calm for most of the day. She also has the saddest eyes in the morning when she realizes I’m leaving, and the happiest expression when I take her out to play. She’s very smart and is picking up commands and obedience quite quickly. We really want this to work, but we need some assurances. Is there any experts to talk to (does someone know the Dog Whisperer?)? This is going to be dominating a lot of our life until we feel this is resolved. Again, we will really appreciate any help on this.
Thanks.
UPDATE: It should be mentioned that we live on a golf course and can’t fence our yard. The plan was (and is) to walk her many times a day.
UPDATE 2: Sarah took Rowdi out for a walk this afternoon and ran into some people delivering furniture to a nearby house. They commented on what a nice looking dog she is and one said, “She looks just like Brownie.” Of course, Brownie was Rowdi’s former name. Ends up, the guy knew Rowdi and the former owner and kept going on about what a sweet dog she is and how he was glad she found a new home. She was owned by a fourteen-year-old along with another pit, and the problem was the neighbors complaining about her barking (she seldom barks and the volume is nothing compared to the German Shepherd I used to have). Since we prayed hard about Rowdi and our worries last night, we crazy Christians are probably going to read too much into this chance encounter, but it certainly is making us feel better. We’ll continue to proceed with caution, but we think we can make this work.
Continue reading ‘Rowdi: Loveable Mutt or Ticking Time-Bomb?’ »
Graphic violence – hooray!
Previously on 24… It’s possible I’ll start to like Audrey. Y’all should put me down, because no one should live in the condition of liking Audrey. Plus, some other stuff happened, like the First Lady jumped in the car with the Russian president so the American Frenchman wouldn’t give the assassins the motorcade route of the Russian president.
Many people are saying we should leave Iraq. This is not a good strategy for victory if you let me explain. You see, when you’re competing at something and suddenly leave, you lose.
Like most people, I’ve been watching Olympic curling. Sometimes, one team would be so far behind that, instead of playing to the end, they’d just shake hands and leave. And know what happened then? That team would lose! Yes, they could have stayed longer and tried against odds to win, but, since they left, the judges just went ahead and marked them a loser.
Maybe you’re thinking now that perhaps leaving is a good idea if you know you will lose because leaving and losing now will save time. Well, that’s loser talk. Also, listen to this: when I was a kid, I played soccer (I was young; I didn’t know any better). Once, we were trouncing a team so badly that it got boring and we just left. We had a ton more goals, but, because we left, we were marked as losing! So, even if you’re winning, leaving causes you to lose!
Remember the only war America lost? My dad does; he’s a Vietnam vet and, every time I see him, I say, “Hey, remember that war you were in? You lost it, loser.” Then he hangs his head and walks away and I yell, “Yeah, you better walk away, loser.” As my dad sometimes tells me, it wasn’t his fault we lost the Vietnam War; it was the fault of those who decided to leave. This is great wisdom even though it comes from someone who was in a loser war. If you trace the Vietnam War to the exact moment we lost, it’s when we left. Once we weren’t there any longer, there was no chance to win. This is important to understand.
So, having learned from Vietnam, I don’t know why anyone would suggest we leave Iraq. That’s a sure way to lose. Some say we need to leave because it’s dangerous there, but, when I’ve talked to troops about leaving, they’re like, “But then we’ll lose! People died for this; we’re not going to lose. You stop talking about leaving and losing!” Then I get punched, and that punch hurts because it’s from someone trained how to punch by the military.
Thus, we can’t leave Iraq or we’ll lose. Then our troops will be losers and I’ll have to shout at them, “Hey! Losers!” And they’ll be too sullen to punch me. Our military men and women deserve better.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as “War and Peace: How to Choose” and “Hiroshima and Nagasaki: A Case Study on Why Not to Bomb Hawaii”.
Spacemonkey added the e-mail option to all posts so now you can easily e-mail IMAO links to friends, family, high-trafficked bloggers, and celebrities (hey, I don’t know if Michael Moore ever read that hate mail I wrote for him).
Also, since I don’t have a permanent link on the side yet, make sure to check out the new IMAO T-Shirt:
BUY NOW!!!
One of the techniciansis diagnosing a network connection problem, so he asks the customer for his IP address and his service provider.
He responds with his IP address and “cable.”
Not the name of the cable company he gets his access through. Just “cable.”
I wonder what he’s going to eat for lunch. Will he just go a place called Lunch?
Don Knotts was a comedy hero to me.
Even though the Barney Fife character will live on in reruns and on DVD collections, won’t be able to watch them without a tinge of sadness knowing the man behind the badge, the bullet and, yes, the bud nipping has gone on to the Mayberry Eternal.
I, for one, will miss him greatly.
More at Jack Lewis.
Though it was for the bronze, the U.S. curling team played a gold-medal quality game against Britain for our first ever medals in curling. Though I knew nothing about curling before watching the Team USA play their first game against Norway in round-robin play, I immediately was hooked. Curling ended up being the only game I really followed during the Olympics, and we were the underdogs in the men’s competition (the women’s competition was another story; Team USA was a favorite coming in and caught a lot of tough breaks keeping them from the finals), but, near the end, our team tied for first in the round-robin play. And that last game, ever player was near perfect. So congrats to some hard-earned medals, and now SarahK and I are going to have to look into starting a curling club locally.
