Graphic violence – hooray!

Previously on 24… It’s possible I’ll start to like Audrey. Y’all should put me down, because no one should live in the condition of liking Audrey. Plus, some other stuff happened, like the First Lady jumped in the car with the Russian president so the American Frenchman wouldn’t give the assassins the motorcade route of the Russian president.

As the hour begins, President Frenchie is having a John Kerry moment. Flippity-flop, I just can’t decide whether it’s wrong to allow the assassination of President Suvarov and my wife. Baby no wanna make big decision.

So the president calls Martha and tries to convince her to get out of the car. “Martha, just ask the driver to come to a rolling stop! You jump out, I’ll get you nice surgery to save your face!” Marty says no, and President Flipper is unsure whether to get his wife killed.

Audrey enlists Edgar to meet her somewhere and keep it secret! Keep it safe! We either have a new character (Carrie?) or Lynn just needs someone to yell at.

Curtis is looking on, as he was unharmed after being dumped in the ghetto. He’s so pretty, so it’s good he survived!

Audrey and Chloe are working together to help Jackie Jack, and Chloe is thinking, “I’ma put a cap in Audrey if she gets in the way of my love affair with Jack. And I’m a good shot.”

And now we know that Christopher, who’s somehow involved blah blah terrorist, is one of the guys Jack investigated within CTU, and he got fired, so he’s mad, and oh no! Vendetta!

Audrey and Chloe get Edgar to help Jack “before it’s too late.” It’s always just “before it’s too late”.

Frenchie almost makes a decision, but then he decides to suck his thumb instead. I don’t like Mike Novick these days. He’s advising President Estrogen to go ahead and kill his wife and that world leader guy.

Lynn is yelling at Carrie and firing her. “You don’t work here anymore.” “Did I work here at all? I just got my badge five minutes ago. Hey. Got something on your chin, I think it’s stupidity.”

Lynn is soooo on to everyone, who’re soooo working against Lynn. Lynn catches Audrey and Chloe in the act (of working against him), Audrey big-times him (I’ma call my daddy!), and Lynn insists on Chloe coming back with him. “She’s my ball! I’m taking her home!”

Jack goes into this blah blah terrorist guy’s company and wants to meet with the SVP R&D, because he’s the blah blah guy. Jack’s new name is John Barrie, and he matches his picture great at the security desk. As soon as he gets into SVP Christopher’s office, D.J. Chris tazers him (good thing he’s not carrying a lighter on him!) and Jack wakes up with no gun. D.J. Chris never believed Jack was dead. Chris is being “implicated” by someone inside CTU because of his history with Jack. Yeah, I’ll believe him at arm’s length. Don’t turn your back on him, though, Jack!
The company has a bunker or something, and D.J. Chris is taking Jack to it and giving full access to the Centox stuff.

Fast Eddie Styles has new info for Chloe, about Suvarov’s route to the airport, and they go tell Lynn, who calls them analysts like that’s an insult. Curtis sits quietly until they leave; then he tells him to stop being stupid and call Secret Service. Lynn says “No no no! Me boss! Me in charge! Me yell! You sit!” and Curtis looks like he’s ready to laugh at Mr. Meanie.

Audrey confronts Lynn about the President Suvarov thing, and they yell a lot. And Lynny Boy is off his nut. Whooooo. Crazy! Dadgum. I’m starting to like Audrey. She’s summoning Fast Eddie and Chloe to the corridor. Eddie’s talking about legalities, Chloe’s all for breaking the law (because she’s awesome now), and no one has yet consulted the manual on how to oust someone who’s flippity floo off their rocker.

Audrey brings in Curtis. Oh wait! She has read the manual! Curtis is the ranking agent, and he’s the only one who can invoke Section 112 of the CTU Crazy Leader Manual, and Audrey’s totally talking him into it. Curtis is all, “Man, I’ve already been shot, choked, dumped in the ghetto, and now you’re consulting the manual on me! Can’t I have a pee break? Get some coffee? Watch my stories on the breakroom TV?”

Mike doesn’t have answers for President Whinyface but reminds him how long he’s got until the motorcade is dead. The President wants to pray about it, which is the first good idea he’s had today. He and Mike kneel together. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn.

Lynn catches Edgar and Chloe doing their subversive stuff, and tries to fire and arrest everyone. Curtis says, “Yo, I’m totally gonna shoot people up in here if you carry out that order.” He puts his hand on his Glock, and the other security guards look at Curtis’s weapon. “Aww, man, he doesn’t have a strap on his holster! He can totally draw faster than me! I’ma do whatever the black man says!” And Curtis looks pretty. [Ed: by pretty, I mean manly and suave with a very good fashion sense. I heart Curtis.]

So the security guard says, “Hey, whatever you want, Mr. Curtis, is totally what’s happening.” And Curtis relieves Lynn of command, releases Bill from prison, and brings Tony out of a coma. Sorry, that last part was my wishful thinking. And so is the part where Curtis completely bans Kim Bauer from ever returning to the TV screen.

Ugh. I almost like her, I know it, I feel it. She needs to do something annoying real quick, like call Jack to talk about their relationship. Or ask Chloe if they can have chamomile tea together.

They like the name Carrie on this show. Wasn’t that the girl Michelle hated in season 2? Are y’all just rubbing it in our faces that Michelle is dead? I hate you, Joel Surnow! (Or writers.)
Bill overrides everything and wants to alert Secret Service immediately. They let the president know, and he’s so happy that they’ve alerted Secret Service, because you know, he was too giant a pansy to do such a thing.

HUGE ATTACK OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE! Just when I start to think Aaron is dead, he opens the car door and saves the day by bustin’ caps in some terrorists. I still think he’s gonna die right afterward, you know, cliche heroic death, blah blah. But no, the writers didn’t cop out like that. Yay writers! Except for the killing Michelle thing.

Oh, and YAY AARON! WE HEART YOU! You know, if you were real live and stuff.

Aaron has saved the Russians, the First Lady, and himself. And you just KNOW that Marty’s gonna beat the crap out of Mr. President when she gets back. Except that he’s gonna take credit for the rescue.

Jack’s now in the bunker with the terrorist who’s supposedly not a terrorist. “No way in or out of the bunker.” Hmm, I wonder if that will play into the final minutes of this episode. Terrorist guy bails, and Jack finds himself with no phone and with a bomb. I told y’all not to trust that guy!

Christopher leaves the building, talking to some chick on the phone, maybe Neckid Mandy. And Jack has to find a way out of the building quick, or find a way to contain the bomb. He just gets it contained when his old pal Chris blows stuff up. And now Jack is angry. Chris won’t like Jack when he’s angry.

Terrorist man calls President Canary and threatens to release the gas again. And the hour is over.

WHOOHOO! NEXT WEEK IS 2 HOURS LONG! SOMEONE IN TV LAND LOVES ME!

So… next week… monkeys are moving 24 to a different time so we can have 2 hours. Kim’s back, Tony wakes up, Marty tells Aaron that Logan is a rat bast**d, and we have the biggest surprise of the season… so what do we think that will be?

*Aaron and Martha run away together!

• Neckid Mandy wears clothes.

• Tony is the mole (not).

• Audrey’s running the whole thing, because she found out Jack was alive, and she is TICKED. First Jack killed her husband, then he went and died, and she found out he didn’t die, and angry woman scorned wrath!

• Kim isn’t annoying! She doesn’t get attacked by cougars or lured into secret basements of cavedwellers!

• Lynn can hum the entire Notre Dame fight song!

• President Logan makes a decision and is actually sure about it!

• Aaron says screw this, I’m going to work as Jack Bauer’s personal bodyguard!

• Mike tells the President that it was way too uncomfy for them to pray together since the President is a godless, mindless twit!

• or Michelle’s not really dead! She’s pulling all the strings!