When people first heard that the UAE were going to manage some of our ports, everyone was like, “Whatever.” Then, we found out what the ‘A’ in UAE stands for: Arab! Those crafty Muslims, trying to take over our ports without us noticing; they’re almost as sneaky as the joooos.
Now, people are concerned about port security, thus leaving it to me to tell everyone what to do:
FRANK ADVICE ON PORT SECURITY
* Remember: Ports involve delivery with ships, so, if some other vehicle than a ship comes into your port, treat it with suspicion.
* Muslim extremists could infiltrate your port and blend in with the workers. Every so often, you should yell out “Hey, Mohammed!” and see if anyone turns his head in response. Also, you might want to yell out, “Hey, Bruce!” to see if you’ve been infiltrated by filthy, thieving Australians.
* Just because someone went through all the trouble of painting “Not WMDs” on a crate, doesn’t mean it’s true. You might want to consider inspecting that one.
* Muslim extremists hate cartoon depictions of the prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), so put an unflattering comic about Mohammed on your door. If anyone tries to kill you over it, treat that person with suspicion.
* Remember: Just because someone is Arab doesn’t mean that he is a Muslim; in fact, the huge majority of Arabs in America are Christian, so, when you see an Arab, you should be more worried about a Christian extremist who will chat off your ear about “The Bible.” To shut him up, just tell him you have “The Bible: The Movie” on your Netflix list and you don’t want him to spoil it for you.
* SPOILER: Jesus gets killed. Ha, bet you thought they wouldn’t kill off the main character.
* Don’t jump to conclusions. If you hear people saying stuff like, “We’re going to steal the port,” “Let’s take over the port,” or “I’m going to smuggle WMDs in the port,” they could just be talking about port wine.
* Though you don’t have enough time to check every crate, don’t just check the first two crates from each shipment; terrorists could use that predictability against you. Sometimes, check the third and fourth crates instead. Don’t bother with the fifth and sixth crates because, even if they have WMDs in them, you’ll probably die of old age before the union workers finally unload them.
* SPOILER: Jesus comes back to life! Yes, it might seem a bit cheesy like with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but, if you paid attention, there was plenty of foreshadowing.
* Terrorist want to smuggle a nuclear bomb into America, so, if you find a nuclear bomb in one of your inspections, make sure it’s on the manifest.
* Every so often, walk among the workers asking, “Anyone know where to score some WMDs?” Maybe someone will slip up.
* Since you’re right near the water, you might want to enlist the help of Aquaman so he can swim around and… uh… On second thought, try flashing the Bat Signal.
* Another way terrorists may attack us is by smuggling in Ebola infected monkeys. So, make sure you have bananas – bananas for the monkeys.
* Monkeys like bananas.
* If you think one of the workers at the port is holding back information, you should consider beating him with a rubber hose until he talks. It’s a good idea to check union rules on that first.
* Remember: Port security starts with you. Don’t just say, “Well I don’t need to find smuggled WMDs; Jack Bauer from CTU will handle it just in time.” Jack Bauer is busy and needs sleep, so do your job!
Is it OK to be suspicious of anyone trying to kill me? Or does that only apply if there are images of Mohammed involved.
Because I’m not really a fan of people trying to kill me, images of Mohammed or not.
I heard a rumor that Jack Bauer is part Danish.
And part English muffin.
Jack Bauer doesn’t need sleep. Sleep needs Jack Bauer.
Superman wears Jack Bauer underwear.
LOL! This is the best thing I’ve seen on the whole port thing anywhere.
Jack Bauer wears Aaron Pierce underwear.
How dare you insult union workers? Why, I’ll…
Yawn. Me so sleepy.
Must take nap before handing big bags of union due money to Hillary and Schumber.
ZZZZZZZ.
Geez…another cute response in place of actual debate. The blogosphere goes nuts again. Guess it’s time to find someone else to discuss the actual issues….
Join the politicians, they do this so much better than you! Just watch C-Span.
1)- How can you guys make jokes about the Port Deal when the security of our nation is at stake?
2)- Where can I buy some Jack Bauer underwear?
I think the prez does this just for a laugh. I mean, why not? Let it slip that we’re ‘selling all our ports to arabs’, then sit back and enjoy the show! Bang! Boom! Little DNC bomblets going off everywhere. Then show how the ‘sale’ is for control of 9 terminals out of 300 and its just a lease and security will be as tight as before. Then the egg hits the faces of the recently exploded reactionaries, and viola! Omelets! Hungry, anyone?
The only reason why you’re scared of letting us Aussies in is cos you’re afraid that we will sneak in, learn to play all the sports you love…and then beat you at all of them within 20 years. We have already done this to the English so be cautious bout anyone who says criky or strewth…
Or anyone who puts shrimp on their Barbie.
Should we be careful with this? I mean ports could mean many things. We have seaports, airports and even a spaceport or two!
Wait, what about USB ports! Holy cow! We might need to get Bill Gates involved in this.
China has already secured their USB ports thanks to Google and Microsoft…
I like your item # 4, posting a cartoon on your door. I was thinking that for applications for visas, etc., one of the cartoons should be on the application, with a question: “If you see a cartoon like this while in the United States, your reponse would be to(select one) (a) laugh, (b) return to your home country, or (c) chop off the head of the cartoonist.”
I purchased some of this Jack Bauer underwear of which you speak and did not care for it one iota. It gave me a terrific case of indigestion.
My goodness…..my Jack Bauers made my voice go high pitched.
Q: Why doesn’t Jack Bauer have a microwave?
A: Because revenge is a dish best served cold.
I have been asked by Sheik Mo if I would consider taking the job as head of security for DPW. I told him I would as soon as I have cleared up this mess with the Aussies trying to learn baseball and jai alai and as soon as someone returns my only pair of Jonny Weir underwear.
China has already secured their USB ports thanks to Google and Microsoft…
Actually, I think that’s Ethernet ports.