Melvin, tell me something nice.

When I read news of child-molesting Internet porn live streaming video busts by law enforcement, I just want to vomit at the depths to which humanity can sink. My faith in the power of technology to extend man’s reach beyond his grasp is slammed to the ground and stomped on.

U.S. and Canadian authorities said on Wednesday they had cracked an international child pornography network that in some cases transmitted molestations live over the Internet.
“These are the worst imaginable forms of child pornography,” said U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, adding that one case involved the abuse of a toddler less than 18 month old.
Twenty-seven people from nine U.S. states and Canada, Australia and Britain, are charged with possession, receipt, distribution and manufacture of child pornography in connection with the case, authorities said.
Twenty-six of the suspects have been arrested and one is still at large.
“This international undercover investigation revealed an insidious network that engaged in worldwide trafficking in child pornography, including live molestations of children transmitted over the Internet,” Gonzales said.

The Mainstream Media (MSM) wants us to believe that everything about the Internet is evil, bad, awful, perverted, and disgusting. It’s just a gigantic high-speed digital sewer rushing filth from pervert to pervert along with the occasional gigabyte of music stolen from poor and starving musicians (that are signed with the record label which is owned by a subsidiary of the same mega-corporation which owns that newspaper or magazine decrying all this shameful activity).
Then, despite all this horror and ugliness, I realize that the Internet can be a good thing when you think about it. After all, the fact that it’s so easy to set up these disgusting and insane streaming filth websites means that it’s also as easy to track them, arrange a warrant to grab server logs, and round these vile creatures up for arrest and incarceration. In the past, these scum would be doing the stuff themselves in clubs or tape-swap meets or whatever. Now, with technology, they think they’re safe, but they’re really making it easier to bust their hideous asses.
Still, with this all in mind, I need a little reminding that the Internet has some decent sites out there. Just like when Helen Hunt told Jack Nicholson “Tell me something nice” at the restaurant, I need to tell myself something nice about the Internet right than and there, to just peg a reminder that it isn’t all noise and muck. Things that archive man’s achievements and history and knowledge and such. Smithsonian Institution types of sites, places that are inherently and completely yuck-free.
What sites do you think of as bastions of humanity’s greatness or attics of the best of what our species has manages to produce despite the ease and temptation to descend into futile, disgusting perversion for profit and sin?

I Can’t Help It – AI Top 12 results show

Wow, so down between Ace (who sucked last night) and Kevin (who sucks always), Ace is in the bottom 3, and Kevin is safe. So there IS hope for Kellie to go home. Of course, Ace and Kevin should both be in the bottom 3.
Let me just note: All you people saying that I don’t like Kellie because Frank might think she’s hot — first of all, he (obviously) likes more cushion on his women. Second of all, he is laughing his pinkytoe off right along with me and makes fun of her almost as much as I, and he also grimaced just now when they said that fake idiot was safe.
So between Elliott and Melissa, not a big shock that Melissa’s in the bottom three.
More surprising to a lot of people but really not that surprising to me is that between Lisa and Bucky, Lisa’s in the bottom 3. I expected Kellie (after that wretched excuse for singing she put on last night), Bucky, and Melissa to be in the bottom 3. This is a pretty good bottom 3, though.
And Melissa is going home. Not a big shock. I guess I didn’t pray hard enough. Everyone pray for Kellie!

Bush’s New Advisors

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
[Caution – the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]
Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists – usually it boils down to something like “Just ignore them and they’ll go away… Unless they don’t… in which case it’s Bush’s fault for not connecting the dots.”
Now, I’m sure President Bush isn’t actually listening to George Clooney, but he’s getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.
As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:


Frank J. – “Nuke the moon.”
Darth Vader – “Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There’s no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should’ve left the State Department alive.”
Dick Cheney – “Aim for the face.”
Donald Rumsfeld – “Hey! Vader stole my advice!”
Ann Coulter – “Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.”
Gandalf – “More Hobbits”
Michael Jackson – “Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they’ll be ripe for the picking.”
Jeffrey Dahmer – “Beat ’em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they’ll be too tough and stringy.”
Laura Roslin – “Throw ’em out the airlock.”
Harry Potter – “I’m a pansy. Let Hermione handle it.”
C3P0 – “I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win.”
Barney the Dinosaur – “Lots of hugs!… and explosives!”
John Cleese – “Wait… are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?”
Satan – “Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They’ll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody… By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of ‘An Army of Davids’?”


If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.

In My World: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Censure Will Never Hurt Me

“What’s Senator Feingold up to?” President Bush asked Condoleezza Rice.
“He asking the Senate to censure you.”
“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed as he covered his groin.
Condi rolled her eyes. “Do you know what ‘censure’ means?”
Bush was silent for a moment. “Well, do you?”
“What censure means is that the Senate will publicly berate you.” Bush stared at Condi blankly. “Say you are bad, that is,” Condi added.
“What I do bad?” Bush asked. “Did I say ‘nuclear’ wrong again?”
“You always say it wrong, but the censure is because Feingold says your wiretapping of Al Qaeda suspects is illegal.”
Bush snapped a pencil in anger. “He’s illegal! Who elects these whiny losers that are the Democrats anyway? I can’t imagine any self-respecting man voting for these eunuchs who worry so much about the poor terrorists getting wire-tapped. The men who vote for them must be gay… and I mean really really gay.” Bush perked up for a second. “Hey, maybe we could use that as a campaign slogan this year!”
Condi sighed. “Why don’t you run it by Karl Rove.”
“I need to go to the Senate and stop this,” Bush said and started to head out of the White House. He then stopped. “Where does the Senate meet again?”
“The Capitol Building.”
“Is that the tall pointy one?”
“That’s the Washington Monument.”
“Uh… the one with the giant stone man?”
“That’s the Lincoln Memorial.”
“Then is it the flat, watery one?”
“That’s the reflection pool between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial.”
Bush thought for a moment. “It’s not the place with the dinosaur bones is it, because those big zombie lizards scare me?”
“You want the big building with the dome, Mr. President.”
“Thanks, Condi!” Bush said as he began to leave again. “To the big building with the dome!”


“I want you to stop this censuring!” Bush demanded to Senator Frist.
“It doesn’t have a chance of passing,” Frist said. “I’m trying to force a vote on it to embarrass the Democrats, but they’re not letting me.”
Bush slapped Frist. “That doesn’t sound like someone with Presidential ambitions to me. If you want it, make it happen!”
Frist thought for a moment. “There is one thing I can do…”
Frist marched over to Senator Reid. “I demand a vote on the censure.”
“Well, we all need more time to read the language and…”
“You will vote now!” Frist shouted. “I invoke the ancient Senatorial right of Kal-if-tor!”
Reid stood up straight. “You do not dare!”
“I dare!” Frist produced two curved blades and tossed one to Reid. “Whoever’s blood is spilt first, must cede!”
“So be it, fool! Aiaiaiaiai!” Reid shrieked as he charged Frist, swinging his weapon wildly. The blades clashed and sparks flew. They continued clashing for a couple minutes, destroying desks with missed swings as the rest of the Senate chanted, “Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor!” Finally, Frist connected with a devastating slice, and Reid fell to the ground, blood spraying everywhere.
“Your power and your vote are mine!” Frist spat down at Reid. He then raised his blade in victory. “The vote on censure will commence!”
“But I need more time to…” Senator Feingold started to say, but was silenced when Frist punched him in the face.
“Quiet! Kal-if-tor says we vote now!”
“If we vote for censure, we could look bad on national security,” the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. “One votes yea; ninety-nine vote nay,” Frist announced, “Censure is defeated!”
“I demand vengeance!” Bush shouted, pointing at Feingold. “He is a dingus, and he must pay for his dingussery!”
“Then I propose that Feingold will be beaten with sticks for the high crime of being a dingus,” Frist told the Senate. He then raised his blade in the air again. “We vote now!”
“If we don’t vote to have Feingold beaten with sticks, we could look bad on national security,” the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. “Ninety-nine vote yea; one votes nay,” Frist announced, “Feingold will be beaten with sticks!”
The Senators all grabbed their beating sticks and descended upon the shrieking and crying Feingold and began to pummel him. Bush found a table leg and tried to join, but Frist stopped him. “Haven’t you read the Constitution?” Frist asked.
“I tried once, but it was boring.”
“Only Senators may join in a Senatorial stick beating. You are allowed to stand back and cheer us on, though.”
“Okay.” Bush started jumping and yelling, “Kill! Kill! Kill!” He then paused for a moment. “I wonder why my poll numbers aren’t higher? I sure like me!”

Really Important

Here’s a big bleg: if anyone reading this knows family law or someone who does, could you please e-mail both me and my wife (frankj@imao.us and sarahk@sarahk.us).
Uh… in other news, I should have an In My World™ up later today. ::grins sheepishly::
UPDATE: Since it is state specific, it’s Texas family law that’s the concern.

Pat Robertson Should Apologize!!!

Pat Robertson recently caused a stir when he claimed that radical Muslims could be considered Satanic. Of course, the comparison of Islam to Satan worship caused a stir among decent, hard working Americans who strive every day to live their best lives , be good people, and worship the devil.
Don’t get me wrong. After having watched the recent rioting over the Danish cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, this has given me a deep respect for the greatest and most cherished of all American freedoms: The right for the Press to Cower In Mortal Terror. However, I have been disappointed in the press coverage in defense of this small religion of Satanic worship.
The question we have to ask ourselves is this: Did the statement by Pat Robertson offend Satanists? And why isn’t anyone stepping forward in their defense?
Keep in mind that not all devil worshippers are completely committed to their religion. Some praise Beelzebub simply because their parents did the same. Others celebrate the Dark Lord only on those special holidays such as Mardi Gras, Halloween, and Hillary’s Birthday.
But for the Satanic Fundamentalist we have to ask — is the comparison a fair one? (For discussion: When Devil Worshippers get together — do they argue the existence of the One True Satan?)
Comparing Islam to Satanism is unfair. Satanists do a good job of reaching out to Americans and drawing them to their way of life. Their promotional tools include Heavy Metal music, Public School systems, and the new hit series Desperate Housewives. Contrast this to Muslim extremists who: Demand that you not mock Islam; demand that you not question or inquire about Islam, and, finally, demand that you convert to Islam. Really, sometimes it’s enough to make me openly embrace the next Jehovah’s Witness.
Sure, there are some things I don’t understand about Satanists. Like why they need to behead a goat and offer it to their lord as a sacrifice. But I’d much rather they behead a goat than Mr. Goldberg next door. And I’d certainly like to see them use their influence to help clean up congress — but otherwise — I have no problem with these people.
In short, I think that the Reverend Pat Robertson should apologize to the Religion of Darkness for the unfair comparison to the Religion of Peace.

Report Any Suspicious Korans to the FBI

Apparently, running people over with an SUV is in the Koran. One of these days, someone should read that thing and see what other terrorist plots are in there.

EATAPETA Day

This is just a reminder that today is Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day. (EATAPETA Day)
Feel free to register the animals you’ve eaten at the cheesy database site I’ve set upFor instance: normally, I drink my breakfast (coffee and cinnamon), but I added two beef jerky strips to my first meal of the day.
And you’re more than welcome to let your cats participate…


As diners, not dinner.

The Perfect Hardcover for Beating a Hobo to Death

I should mention that I have my copy of Army of Davids I ordered from Amazon. I just started reading it, and I was absent from the acknowledgements (!) and he starts the book by talking about brewing beer (yeah, beer; sure). According to a scan of the index, there is nothing in it about puppies or blenders, so I guess the editors sanitized it. Most of the footnotes are simply “Heh” or “Indeed,” and each bibliographical reference is followed by the phrase “Read the whole thing.” So far, I don’t think reading Glenn Reynolds’s book has caused the devil to possess me, but I’ll be sure to monitor that as I read more.

Carnival Of Comedy Reminder

On Thursday, March 16th, 2006, Ben will be hosting Carnival of Comedy #46 at Ben’s Rants
Future Carnival Schedule:
March 23rd – #47 – Steve The Pirate at his self titled blog
March 30th – #48 – Tommy at Almost Average
Want to host? Email me at spacemonkey@imao.us with “Host Carnival Of Comedy” as the subject.
Want to enter? Go here, or here or I’ll threaten to threaten you.