(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
[Caution – the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]
Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists – usually it boils down to something like “Just ignore them and they’ll go away… Unless they don’t… in which case it’s Bush’s fault for not connecting the dots.”
Now, I’m sure President Bush isn’t actually listening to George Clooney, but he’s getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.
As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:
Frank J. – “Nuke the moon.”
Darth Vader – “Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There’s no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should’ve left the State Department alive.”
Dick Cheney – “Aim for the face.”
Donald Rumsfeld – “Hey! Vader stole my advice!”
Ann Coulter – “Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.”
Gandalf – “More Hobbits”
Michael Jackson – “Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they’ll be ripe for the picking.”
Jeffrey Dahmer – “Beat ’em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they’ll be too tough and stringy.”
Laura Roslin – “Throw ’em out the airlock.”
Harry Potter – “I’m a pansy. Let Hermione handle it.”
C3P0 – “I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win.”
Barney the Dinosaur – “Lots of hugs!… and explosives!”
John Cleese – “Wait… are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?”
Satan – “Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They’ll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody… By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of ‘An Army of Davids’?”
If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.
Laura Roslin in 2008! Advancing the space program as a means of entertaining execution.
Well, let’s see what my family has to say:
Me: Give me some guns, ammo, and a chopper. It should be all over in a few hours.
Dad: Just nuke it. They’re too poor to pay for my family law services, so it’s not like we’re missing anything important.
Mom: Mention violence again and I’ll throw you in the home. (and no, I don’t know what “the home” is)
Little sister Lily: I DON’T LIKE POLITICS!
Cousin Chris: We need more metal music. Play it so loud the terrorists blow their own brains out.
Cousin Stephanie: I’m with uncle Paul. Let’s just nuke them. AND WHERE IS MY APPLE MARTINI?!
Uncle Dave and Aunt Mary: You remember that scene from Predator where they find all the soldiers, but they’d been skinned and hung upside down? We should have a Department for Skinning Terrorists.
Grandma Maggie: Well, you’ve always wondered why people called me Annie O. Now where’s my carbine?
Uncle Mike: It would be great if we could make handguns like that one guy from that japanese comic Hellsing. You know, the one that fired 13 mm bullets with explosive tips, and never ran out of ammo.
Stepmom April: Whatever. Now when’s the new Zelda game coming out?
Puppy Link: Arfarfmurderarfarf!
Puppy Lucy: Arfarfslaughterarfarf!
Well there you have it. That’s my family for ya. Wait, I forgot my girlfriend.
Girlfriend Catherine: Stabbing bad people with scissors is fun! Oh, and show them that site you found. That’ll kill them for sure.
Invader Zim: Vote for me or I will destroy you.
God is power.
Yay for sci-fi references!
Anyway, I say just drop tons of bombs on them. That’ll solve everything.
Sir Bedovere (Monty Python): I have the idea to construct a large wooden rabbit…
Dirty Harry: “Did I fire 10,000 nukes or just 9,999? Ask yourself, ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, PUNK?”
Admiral Cain: “When I call Osama I’ll ask if you’re nearby. When he hands you the phone…”
Obi Wan Kenobi: “Use the force Bush.”
Mighty Mouse: “Here I come to kill the terrorists!!!”
Starbuck: “Same thing we always do. Fight ’em until we can’t.”
The Man Show: “And now…girls jumping on trampolines!”
Cats: How are you gentlemen. All your base are belong to us!! You are on the way to destruction! You have no chance make your time!
For great justice, take off every Zig!
Mycroft Holmes from The Moon is a Harsh Mistress:
“I don’t think we ought to hit the mountain any more Mannie, its not there…”
Ripley: “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”
Oddly, no one has yet nominated Chuck Norris.
Dean Swift – Bomb the whole region into a giant glass parking lot and give the oil feids to Israel. Or just eat their young. Sounds like a modest proposal to me.
Jack Bauer – Since a terrorist dies every time he shouts “NO!” we’ll just lock him in a room and make him say “NO!” all the time.
“Laura Roslin – ‘Throw ’em out the airlock.'”
Yeeessssssss! And she’d do it to. Unlike that Prat, Baltar. He’d try to be like the DhimmiCrats and try to reason with the terrorists. Just look at what happened to the fleet under his term in office!
By the way: The season finale of Battlestar Galactica had me saying “What the F***???”, but I’m dying to see what the plan is for Season 3! Damn them for a cliffhanger like that! It’s like when Admiral (then Commander) Adama got shot.
Feel the Jones!
DE – Definitely a WTF episode. I kept waiting for someone to wake up from a dream, but no… it’s all really part of the story.
It’s gonna be a LONG 7 months to October…
From the Mike Adams presidential platform:
That’s the best advice I’ve seen… ever! H/T to The Simpson for the term Saudi Israelia, our 51st state. Them WMD would come in handy!
Pedantic Note: WMD stands for WeaponS of Mass Destruction. Therefore, saying WMDs is just totally, Brokeback Mountain gay.
Take DNA samples from the graves of these great American warriors to make a super clone that even Chomps would respect:
Gen. George Patton, USA – “We’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy bastards by the bushel.”
Adm. William Halsey, USN – “Before we’re done with them, their language will be spoken only in hell.”
Gen. Curtis LeMay, USAF – “Bomb them back into the stone age.”
Lt. Gen. James Mattis, USMC – “You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn’t wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain’t got no manhood left anyway. So it’s a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them.”