(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D – Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.
“Those CHP are my favorite people ever,” McKinney said, “I have all 6 seasons on DVD.”
“Plus,” she added, “you have to admit – Ponch has the dreamiest smile.”
At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama‘s assumption of Erik Estrada’s role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.
Archive of entries posted on 5th April 2006
It’s not hard to multitask . . .
Fun Trivia
How DHS caught Brian J. Doyle
Q: How did the Department of Homeland Security catch Brian J. Doyle cruising the Internet for minors, anyway?
In My World: A Smashing Success Against Iran
“Nothing better than a day at the beach,” President Bush said as he waded in the water. “Well, maybe a barbecue is better. And I certainly like talking to myself as if to set the scene for some unknown observer.”
Suddenly, he felt something.
“What just brushed against my leg?” Bush demanded as he pulled out his .45 revolver. He then shot the large object he saw swimming past him. It soon exploded.
“You better explode if you’re going to touch me!” Bush yelled.
An aide yelled from shore, “You just stopped an Iranian missile attack!”
“Of course I did,” Bush responded. “I stop lot’s of things.” He paused for a moment. “Except for runaway spending and illegal immigrants.”
Bush had a meeting in his war room. “Clancy, you’re some sort of intelligence guy, right?”
“You don’t have the clearance for me to answer that,” said a man who may or may not have been named Clancy.
“Aren’t I cleared for everything?”
“You’re supposed to think that,” Clancy answered Bush.
“Can you at least tell me about Iranian weapons technology?”
“Again, you don’t have the clearance to know whether you’re allowed to know about Iranian weapons technology,” Clancy replied. “I will show you what we know about Iranian weapons technology, but do not construe it as an answer to whether you’re allowed to know about Iranian weapons technology. Understand.”
“Uh… not at all.”
“Excellent.” Clancy then showed some slides. “These are pictures of an Iranian underwater missile like President Bush encountered and destroyed. The Iranians also have a flying boat.”
“An underwater missile! A flying boat!” Bush exclaimed. “There is so way we can defend against that!” He turned to Condoleezza Rice. “I want you to draft a surrender to the Iranians. See if they’ll take Minnesota as a peace offering.”
“Bah!” Rumsfeld shouted out. “Back in my day, if the enemy got shinier toys, we’d just smash them with bats.”
“Brilliant idea!” Bush shouted. “Thinking like that is the reason I’ve yet to fire you! Let’s get some bats and smash things good!” Bush turned to Condi again. “Will this affect us diplomatically?”
“I’m tired of diplomacy,” Condi answered. “Let’s smash stuff!”
“How does Iranian weapons make you feel?” Rumsfeld asked his rottweiler Chomps.
Chomps growled and snapped at the air.
“It seems to make him angry… very angry,” Bush observed. “Well, let’s get to this. Cheney, you hold up shop while we’re gone. If anyone asks where we are, you shoot him in the face with a shotgun to change the subject.”
“Go @#$% yourself.”
“That’s my Cheney!”
“If the map Clancy gave us is correct, that’s the Iranian weapons research facility,” Bush said as he, Rumsfeld, Condi, and Chomps hid in the bushes and the darkness of night, bats at the ready. “We better move quick; they’re baseball bat-proofing their research tomorrow.”
“I see a security camera,” Condi remarked.
“Don’t worry; I have a plan,” Bush stated. He then walked up to the camera and smashed it with his bat. “My plan worked! Let roll!”
They charged into the building and began smashing everything they saw with bats as Chomps tore things apart with his teeth. “Smashy-smashy!” Bush yelled as he hit some computers.
When they were done trashing the place, Chomps coughed up a radiation warning label.
“I think he swallowed some plutonium,” Rumsfeld said. “That won’t settle his stomach well.”
“He just better not grow fifty-feet tall and destroy cities,” Bush declared.
A man then entered the room. “What’s going on here?!”
“It’s an Ayatollah!” Bush shouted. “Let’s smash him good!”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he charged the man.
“Iranian officials say that much of their research and numerous Ayatollahs were smashed in the attack,” the news anchor said. “Iranians say the crime was perpetrated by…”
Bush braced himself.
“…the Jews!”
Bush turned off the TV as he let out a sigh of the relief. “It’s good we have Jews around to take all the blame for everything.” He turned to an aide. “How are my poll numbers doing?”
“They’re down.”
Bush shook his fist in the air. “Jooooos!”
Progress marches on, and occasionally stops to molest children
Okay, so this might look bad for the Bush Administration and the whole “tough on terrorism” kind of thing:
A deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was charged with using a computer to seduce a child after authorities said he struck up sexual conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl.
Brian J. Doyle, 55, the fourth-ranking official in the department’s public affairs office, was expected to be placed on administrative leave Wednesday.
But think of it for a minute. There’s a bright side to all of this that people are overlooking. That computer that Brian Doyle used was most likely a garden-variety PC with an inexpensive broadband connection, available to people of nearly every income level these days.
Let’s go back for a moment, shall we?
Continue reading ‘Progress marches on, and occasionally stops to molest children’ »
Michelle Malkin: Evil Mutant Blogger?
A law professor has PROOF – proof with NUMBERS AND TIMES – that no mortal human can do the blogging that Michelle Malkin does. Malkin certainly does blog a lot for someone who reportedly HAS NEVER DRANK A PUPPY SMOOTHIE! Malkin responds to these charges – perhaps responds to the them TOO WELL!
I can only conclude that the way that Malkin can write columns, write books, appear on TV, and blog is that SHE IS SOME SORT OF MUTANT BLOGGER! This is indisputable for I HAVE WRITTEN IT IN CAPS! If Malkin uses a mutant tentacle to SUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT AND BLOG YOUR THOUGHTS, please tell IMAO so WE MAY WARN OTHERS!
The Hippies, The
Via Freedom Folks, I found the BEST car commercial EVER.
Oh, it’s not something they’ll ever air. More of a fan film, really.
On the other hand, considering that Vault has made it acceptable to fire lasers at hippies, maybe this thing might come to the small screen after all.
UPDATE: The extra-happy 60-second version of the Vault scarecrow commercial.
It’s Civil War: Time to Withdraw!
As I turn off my television set, those images of mindless violence have become seared, seared into my mind. I watch those scenes of mayhem as young men fight against each other, then smash windows and set vehicles on fire. Sure, we went in under the guise of liberating a country, but now as it descends into what clearly appears to be a civil war, we have to look into our collective soul and ask ourselves:
Is It Time for the United States to Withdraw from France?
Was it reasonable to think we could take this country and instill in them our American values?
In America, our people riot for good reasons such as victories by our favorite sports teams. In France, young people riot because the government refuses them the right to complete job security. So they set about burning, looting, thrashing, and asking themselves a very important questions such as: “Why can’t they offer us more money?” and “When will people respect our decisions?” and the really important one-: “I wonder if I can put this on my resume?”
This highlights an important difference in cultural mindset.
America has always been that shining light upon the hill, and sometimes we thought that France could follow our example. For a while, we thought they were, except it turns out that their shining light on the hill was really a burning Renault.
Right now, many French labor unions are on strike: transportation workers, teachers, and government workers. That is their right: every employee, by law, is allowed 7 paid days for general social mayhem.
And that leads us to an important point: The French see the concept of work completely different than America does. Here in America, we value honesty, integrity, and hard work more than we value anything else: especially personal gain. Witness the success of American firms such as WorldCom, Arthur Andersen, and, most recently, General Motors.
Sure we take time off around here: we get two weeks vacation, and a few special holidays. In France, most workers get six weeks of paid vacation. Additionally, they enjoy many special holidays such as: Day of the Worker, Recovery Day from Day of the Worker, Ramadan, Jerry Lewis’ Birthday (which they celebrate happily and loudly) the birthday of Marcel Marceau (which for some reason they celebrate quietly), and a special holiday called Lundi.
Now France is burning, nobody is working, and President Chirac’s polling numbers are so bad that President Bush called him asking, “Which country did YOU invade?!”
So let us leave France to fight this civil war that, I’m sure, we can only blame on America. We demand the immediate withdrawal of American troops before more French cars are lost. Let France, under the guidance of Secular Providence and Shariah law, rebuild itself. Sure, one day they might buckle under to the Muslim youth, but at least they can face them head on and repeat the words of the famous Marcel Marceau when they say: ” ”
Let these young people have the lifetime employment they deserve. Many of them don’t do windows, but that’s okay. At this point: there aren’t that many windows left.