NBC has taken “Celebrity Cooking Showdown” off its primetime menu after only three nights. The reality series was originally scheduled to run five consecutive nights, but controversy over O.J. Simpson’s Nicole Brown Betty recipe prompted the move.
You don’t even want to know what’s in that dismembered-head-sized container.
via laurence
Archive of entries posted on 20th April 2006
Maybe Glenn ran out of puppies?
Check out the third photo down.
According to the poster’s profile, they claim they’re in Tombstone, Arizona.
Uh huh. Right.
Frank Solutions to Iranian Nukes
I was going to write a Know Thy Enemy: Iran, but then I saw that I already had one. Since every KTE is definitive and never needs addition, I’ll instead talk about a more specific issue involving Iran:
FRANK SOLUTIONS TO IRANIAN NUKES
Frank J., White House Press Secretary
Since you guys want it:
FRANK: Hi, I’m Frank J., and I’m the new White House Press Secretary. I’m already pissed about my work commute, so let’s not push me. Anyway, I don’t feel like answering questions, so I’m just going to read from my Ninja FAQ. You guys probably won’t get most of the jokes, so I’ll motion with my hand thusly when you’re supposed to laugh.
REPORTER: What do ninjas have to do with Iran?
FRANK: Okay, I thought I spoke slowly and clearly enough for you guys to understand. Maybe I should just dangle some keys to keep you guys entertained.
REPORTER: We’re not dumb. We’re journalist and… are you playing videogames.
FRANK: …
REPORTER: Mr. J!
FRANK: Constarnit! Great, I just died. I hope you guys are happy. What’s so important it couldn’t wait until I was at a save point?
REPORTER: We have questions about Iran?
FRANK: Really? Iran has been around a long time, so I don’t see why anyone would still have questions. Try looking it up on Wikipedia.
REPORTER: We mean questions about the Bush administration’s policy towards Iran.
FRANK: They don’t like Iran.
REPORTER: That’s not a policy.
FRANK: Says you.
REPORTER: Is anything planned to stop Iran?
FRANK: Yeah… there’s like a tactical nuclear strike planned for this afternoon… threeish, I think.
REPORTER: ARE WE REALLY ENTERING A NUCLEAR WAR AND…
FRANK: That was a joke! You guys are dense. Anyhoo, Link has some important quests to complete, so could you all be quiet for a few minutes.
REPORTER: Can’t you do that later?
FRANK: No. My wife doesn’t let me play videogames at home, so this is my only time. Now, quiet!
REPORTER: I have a question about the generals denouncing Rumsfeld.
FRANK: Fine! I guess I’ll never get to play videogames again. What’s your stupid moron question?
REPORTER: What is the White House’s reaction to the generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation?
FRANK: What generals?
REPORTER: You know; the one that have been reported on the news and…
FRANK: No generals have talked to me.
REPORTER: Yes, but…
FRANK: If it were important, they’d talk to me. People know you talk to Frank J. when you want things done. If it’s unimportant, they’d talk to you idiots. Next question.
SARAHK: What do you want for dinner tonight?
FRANK: I keep telling you I hate that question. Just make something. Next question.
REPORTER: Recently, a number of undocumented workers have…
FRANK: Let me explain how this works again: you are trying to get information from me. That means you make short interrogative sentences and I do the monologing, not you. Got it?
REPORTER: It’s just…
FRANK: Shh! You know, I went to college specifically so I would never have to interact with idiots like you people. Anyway, I’m guessing you have some query on illegal immigration policy. President Bush supports illegal immigrants coming into this country to do unskilled labor such as picking beans, cleaning toilets, and holding mikes while asking inane questions. Pedro, you had a question?
PEDRO: My name is Pedro.
FRANK: Not a question, but keep working on the English. Okay, I’m going to cut things off now because I want to head home before I get stuck in the rush hour traffic on the Beltway. If I didn’t answer everything, just make stuff up like you normally do; people never listen to you guys anyway. Also, I brought a wolverine with me, but he disappeared somewhere in the pressroom. If you encounter him, please shout out.
In space, nobody can hear you scream “Allahu Ackbhar!”
(Via J-Walk)
Well, it looks like the land of the virulently anti-Semitic Mahathir The Moonbat is looking to go to the moon, so-to-speak. But with a space program comes serious, important scientific issues:
How do Muslim astronauts pray in space? Malaysia’s National Space Agency is holding a conference to consider such questions as the country prepares to send its first citizen into orbit.
A nationwide competition in the majority-Muslim country has narrowed the field to four astronaut candidates, three of whom are Muslims.
Two will eventually be trained and sent into space by Russia, and Malaysia’s space agency – or Angkasa – said it had been scratching its head over how Muslim rituals could be carried out properly.
Performing ablutions for Muslim prayers with water rationing in space and preparing food according to Islamic standards will be among issues discussed, said Angkasa’s director-general, Mazlan Othman.
Other complications with Muslim astronauts:
- Beheading an infidel with a sword is complicated by the complex locking-collar on most spacesuit helmets.
- Constantly worried about Allah’s aim when he hurls stars at devils (Sura 67:5)
- Tang is not halal. (But it does make excellent body-paint)
- Please do not use the AE-35 antenna as a spit for roasting goats. Pretty-please?
- Nice beard. Don’t feel obligated to take on air filter cleaning duty, mind you, but it really would be appreciated.
- They use up way too much room in the Sick Bay with all the Filipino and Indian maids they brought along and constantly beat up and rape.
- Um… that’s the floor and that’s the wall. And that’s the “Emergency Airlock Release” button you’ve covered up with your prayer mat that you keep cycling when you hit your forehead against it.
- The Palestinian flight-controller keeps wanting to change the rocket’s course to make it smash into Sderot, Israel
- Those PhD’s in Astrophysics, Flight Medicine and Engineering are impressive and might be useful when combined with your many hours of training and excellent physical condition. But tell me again: who’s cousin in the Royal Family are you?
- For the last time, those solar panels are Dutch, not Danish. Now quit screaming about cartoons and smashing them or you’re going out the airlock.
- About that Israeli boycott – you’re gonna laugh – you might want to take a look at those oyxgen tanks on your back.
I’m sure they’ll work all of this out.
Carnival Of Comedy #51 is Up
Tommy at Striving for Average is calling the faithful to the Church of Teh Funny.
Updates
I Guess Someone Has to Talk to the Press
Uncle Jimbo is lobbying for the the White House Press Secretary job. He must really want it, as he threatened me to endorse him and everything. Go check out his credentials.
I know we had our own poll for IMAO candidates, but I don’t want the job. I got enought to do without also having to explain everything to the goobers in the press.
UPDATE: Kim du Toit also wants the job, but is a man with the name of a Frenchwoman really up to the job?
He might shoot me for that…