Hi there. I’m your friend, Laurence Simon. And it’s time for a Crappy Bedtime Story.
Today’s story is… um… The Carnival of the Vanities, episode #188.
Ready?
Archive of entries posted on 25th April 2006
American Idol 5 top 6
And by top 6, I don’t mean the best 6 singers of the season. Obviously.
I forgot to pick the songs everyone should sing this week. But Sa called and told me what Kellie sang, and I couldn’t be happier. This is going to be fantastic.
LOL, Ryan says that it was bad luck for the ladies last week, because Ace left. Frank and I both thought, one of the ladies went home.
Anyway, tonight it’s love songs with Andrea Bocelli. And David Foster (who’s produced Celine Dion a million times and written a million of her songs if I recall correctly) worked with him on this latest album, so he’s there helping out. And Foster’s like, “Are these the finalists?” when they vocalize. And showing Foster doing the critiques, I want him on every single week to critique and coach and yell.
I was gonna run a thousand yards, but I got high…
Sure, you can lead a horse to water, but can you keep a Dolphin away from weed?
Apparently not.
See you in 2007, Ricky.
‘Tarded Leftard
Some leftard called me a rightard, but he’s the one that’s ‘tarded because he can’t even undertand simple humor (due to his ‘tardedness). I hate it people are so ‘tarded they don’t even know how freakingly ‘tarded they are. It just makes me shout, “‘TARDS!”
Ya know?
Fun Trivia
Know Thy Enemy: Illegal Immigrants
Illegal immigrants are everywhere and completely illegal! Something must be done, but even President Bush doesn’t seem to be handling this issue. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can on these immigrants who are illegal.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
24 Day 5 – 1:00 a.m.
Previously on 24, Daddy the Pit Bull SecDef got involved to try to help but ended up messing everything up by betraying Jack and trying to get things done his way, in order to save the government. He asked for President Estrogen’s resignation, but when Robocop got the recording from Jack, Estro instead asked for Daddy’s resignation. Chloe got arrested for helping Audrey and Jack when Miles the Weasel and the Unstable Sexual Harassment Girl teamed up. But Chloe escaped and threatened to recommend Unstable Girl for psych evaluation and told Unstable that Estro’s behind everything. Chloe went to Bill’s house. SarahK still wanted to know: Where’s Rico Suave? Aaron and Marty went to meet behind the stables at the presidential retreat, but all that showed up of Aaron was his cell phone. Robocop cut Audrey’s arm and made her bleed all over her pretty white jacket. He should be executed for ruining that jacket. Jack gave up the recording to save Audrey, because he’s an idiot who loves needy women.
Eye in the Sky
Reports are coming out of Israel that the Jewish state will be launching an “eye in the sky” satellite to monitor the Iranian nuclear program.
This is excellent news considering previous efforts by Israel’s space program:
- October 1968: Israel launches first satellite, Moishe Sheva (“Moishe Seven”). Constantly plagued by communication errors when Ground Control tries to contact it collect.
- December 1973: Jewish astronaut offered seat on Apollo 15 mission, but refuses because he’d rather go in the “off-season” when the moon isn’t so crowded and the prices at the restaurants aren’t so high.
- March 1982: Israel attempts to launch “Nose in the Sky” satellite, but it achieves incorrect orbit.
- April 1982: Israel launches Rhinoplasty Specialist in the Sky” to adjust orbit of “Nose in the Sky” satellite. Successful, but expensive and not covered by insurance.
- January 1986: IAI engineers suggest to Morton Thiokol that the Challenger’s solid rocket boosters might have improved performance with a slight “O-ring circumcision” procedure.
- November 1993: Israel launches Yasser Arafat into the sky, Arafat survives re-entry. Mission considered a failure, political situation prevents future missions.
- July 1995: After “Nose in the Sky” satellite exceeded operational lifespan, Israel launches advanced “Ear, Nose, and Throat in the Sky” satellite. However, it develops allergies despite deep-vacuum of space. Satellite reloacted to Arizona, still plays golf on weekends.
- May 1996: President Bill Clinton docks successfully with Monica Lewinsky.
- June 1996: Again.
- July 1996: And again.
- August 1996: Enough already, Bill!
- January 1998: Israel sends up its first space station Miami Beach One. Entire crew lost when Mission Specialist Rabbi Herman Goldberg nails a mezzuzah to the airlock and lets out all the air.
- September 2001: Four transcontinential jetliners… Oh. Wait. That wasn’t part of the space program. Never mind. Nothing to see here.
- November 2004: After many delays, second Arafat mission a success.
Good luck, little spy in the sky!
Carnival of the Vanities #188 – Last Call
This is the last call for submissions to this week’s Carnival of the Vanities, which will be here sometime very late tonight or very early tomorrow morning (when are these things supposed to be, anyway?)
Submission information is here.
Just When You Started to Believe Moonbats Had Some Humanity in Them…
…here’s the Kos Kids debating whether NRO contributor Cathy Seipp (who, apparently, devoted her life to “hate speech”) deserves sympathy for her plight with cancer and dealing with insurance companies.
Anyway, here is Cathy’s story and her blog. Keep her in your prayers.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder – First Anniversary!
I, spacemonkey, will be hosting the Carnival of Comedy this Thursday. It will be at IMAO, though.
Get those entries in to here, or here.!
Schedule
53- AbbaGav
54- Dr Phat Tony
55- fmragtops – How do you pronounce that?
56- Passionate America
57- The MoxArgon Group
58- Jerry Dante [language]
Hmm, Maybe I should add dates to this. And probably ought to contact the newly assigned hosts, too. Maybe they’ll notice a spike in traffic from the links.