I don’t usually blog my personal life, but I thought this was funny. Talking about all this recent hullabaloo, I turned to my wife and said whimsically, “People are saying I have a ‘hostile’ sense of humor.”
Then SarahK pointed out that as I made the statement, I was chambering a round into my carry pistol.
Archive of entries posted on 26th April 2006
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I can’t believe I wasn’t blogging it, stupid migraines. Kellie finally leaves us. Yes. I screamed in the livingroom. I thought it too good to be true that she might go home.
They had a new version of the “Bad Day” song, which I desperately need. They showed Kellie taking a load off her calamari-eatin’ chest, but no “what’s a ballsy”. And thank goodness. They love me enough that they just talked her up until the end of the show and didn’t have her sing. That was my favorite thing all week, Kellie not singing.
Andrea Bocelli was wonderful. David Foster’s awesome.
Chris & Katharine were the top two. Katharine surprises me, because even when I watched her again this morning it was awful. I’m apparently among very few who thought that, though. Even Simon apologized for being harsh. I suppose I can be wrong occasionally, but when I watched it again and subjected myself to her undies, I still felt the same way as last night. Though honestly, it was probably her ridiculous facial expressions — she was waxing Kellietically. Maybe I just couldn’t get past the faces.
Elliott and Taylor were the middle.
Kellie forgot to thank Vote for the Worst for keeping her in it this long.
Gotta go. Hockey’s on, and my Stars have mucho ground to make up in Denver tonight.
Wrong Tony
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can’t believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would’ve made better picks:
Tony Hawk – Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.
Fat Tony D’Amico – Didn’t see nothin’, and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one’s looking. If questioned, will respond “What’s a moider?”
Tony Bennett – Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of “Fly Me to the Moon”.
Tony Blair – “I’d love to answer that question, but it’s tea time, so sod off!
Dr. Phat Tony – Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.
Tony Dow – He probably wouldn’t be good at dodging questions, but it’d be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with “Gee, Wally…”
Tony Randall – Tough question? He’ll just fake a sinus attack.
Tony the Tiger – Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush’s policies will be good for America.
Tony Stewart – “I can’t hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!”
Tony Danza – The only question he’ll get is “Did you every ‘Danza slap’ Alyssa Milano?”
It’d also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters’ livers, but he’s not technically a “Tony”.
Any Tonys I missed?
I Just Want to Make People Laugh, Not Quiver in Fear
But I’ll take what I can get. Here’s a post and big comment discussion about how scary right-wing humor is to humorless liberals. I mean, a few are able to laugh at themselves, but it’s mainly one big hissy-fit.
Come on, people, smile! You’ll live longer. Life’s a party; stop being the awkward guy who sits in the corner and doesn’t talk to anyone. Liberalism is a terrible disease that includes mood-swings, depression, and mental-retardation, but it can be cured!
(hat tip to SondraK for the link)
UPDATE: More discussion from OTB is here. Yes, I would say my humor is less mean spirited than Ted Rall… but then about anyone short of Hitler could probably say that.
More here from the left… let’s keep following this…
That lead to this post supposedly pointing out I have a history of “hostile” humor by linking one old post.
Eh… that was a forgettable post. Must of been one of those days I felt like putting something out but wasn’t inpspired.
Hasn’t anyone ever seen The Three Stooges? Violence is funny! I didn’t start the fire here, people.
Distinction, though: if Moe viciously murdered Curly out of anger, not so funny. Ponder that.
UPDATE2: Man, a lot of people are linking to that Digby post, but I’m getting like no traffic from this and the shirt in question is out of print.
About this whole tizzy, I think James Joyner put it best with the quote, “Lighten up, Francis.”
The reminds me of that overblown controversy when that Shakespeare play came out that had the line, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
It Is the Beginning of the End
Spanish Socialists are going down the path to destroy all humanity. Forget everything else and help stop Spanish Socialists now!
UPDATE: Oh yeah; I have a shirt design for this occasion. No matter how bad things get, I should never miss an opportunity for a plug.
In My World: Snow Day
“It’s time for you to get to work, Snowman. By the way, that’s your new nickname,” President Bush told Tony Snow. “Nobody likes me anymore, but you have to spin things so everybody thinks I’m the super-coolest person ever. And you have to convince all the press to only write nice things about me. So you do a good job or you’ll end up like Scott McClellan – fat!”
“I’ll do what I can,” Tony answered, “but you try and stay out of trouble. I don’t want this job to be any harder than it already is.”
“Hey, trouble is my middle name!” Bush answered and then thought for a moment. “Wait, my middle name starts with a ‘w’. What is it? Wilhelm?”
“Just focus on not screwing anything up and I’ll handle the press,” Tony assured him. He then headed out to the press room where all the reporters were waiting.
“So, are you the new White House Press Secretary?” a reporter asked.
“First off,” Tony stated, “I’m already a hundred times the journalist of all you hacks added together, so, instead of answering your moronic queries, I’m just going to state everything you need to know and you’ll jot it all down and report that. Are we clear?”
“Mr. Snow, we need–” a reporter started to say, but then screamed in pain as he fell to the ground.
“Now, one thing you need to know,” Tony said, “is that I can now shock you through your press passes. This wasn’t my idea; it was done by Homeland Security. Now, on to politics. While there are many troubles in Iraq, it’s going much better than you shills report. Progress is being made daily. With Iran, many options are being looked at, but nothing has been decided on. Finally, the Democrats are all morons and you waste time reporting on anything they do or say. I think that covers everything.”
“What about how Karl Rove will be–” A horde of screaming demons crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the reporter, and flew off.
“It should be mentioned,” Tony said, “that questions about Karl Rove will cause screeching demons to come after you. That’s out of my hands.”
“And there are also reports that secret police are taking away anyone who questions the White House,” a reporter stated. “What is your reaction?”
Some men in black ran into the room, grabbed the reporter, and dragged her away.
“Next question,” Tony said in a bored voice.
“War murder and oil because Bush bad!” Helen Thomas cackled.
Tony Snow made a motion to some men in white in the back of the room. They came forward and gently walked Helen Thomas out of the press room.
“Are they taking her to a nursing home?” a reporter asked.
“That or they’re going to tie her up and leave her in an abandoned warehouse,” Tony answered. “Either way, I don’t care.”
A truck crashed through the side of the room. “Trouble, Tony!” Bush yelled as he got out of the driver seat. “I may have just been involved in an armed robbery and this truck may or may nor be stolen. Anyway, spin it all to make it sound good.”
“I thought we agreed you’d avoid misadventures until your polls are up!” Tony said.
Bush opened the back of the truck. “I tried; really, I did.” A bunch of Mexicans came out the back.
“Are you smuggling Mexicans across the border?” Tony asked.
“The less you know, the better.” Bush started dousing the truck in gasoline. “I’m going to take care of the evidence; you continue with your press conference.”
“I want you all to ignore the scene over there and focus on me,” Tony commanded the press. “I’m going to use this blackboard behind me to give you all a lecture on good journalism… since you guys really need it. Let’s get started.”
“I don’t need to be lectured about journalism from someone from FOX News!” Daivd Gregory shouted. “I’m David Gregory! I–” David Gregory burst into flames.
“By the way,” Tony said, “the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that’s more of a feature than a bug.”
Panicked, Gregory ran into the truck setting it on fire.
“Since this room is starting to burn down,” one reporter said, “can we skip the lecture?”
“That might be smart. Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show. So, if in the future, you find the press room filled with snakes or you get locked in an underground bunker, I warned you.”
The reporters fled the room.
“Good job for your first day,” Bush said. “So, what now?”
Tony looked at the burning truck. “I think I’m going to a bar.”
“There’s a list of nearest bars in your ‘Welcome to the White House Staff’ basket.” Bush looked around the room which was all quickly catching fire. “This isn’t going to burn itself out, is it?”
It’s Not Scientific, But What Is These Days?
Here is the result of the BlogAds survery of IMAO readers. It’s a pretty small sample (even for just those who read IMAO), but worth a gander.
Full survey results for all blogs are here and skew heavily Democrat (not one Democrat from IMAO, though).
Let It Snow!
Since everybody else is going to make some kind of joke on “Snow Job” …
Oh, Helen Thomas’ face is frightful
And her questions are so spiteful
Since McClellan really wants to go
Tony Snow! Tony Snow! Tony Snow!
The war doesn’t show signs of stopping
Veins in Gregory’s face are popping
Who can we find that is in the know?
Tony Snow! Tony Snow! Tony Snow!
When they ask him for a sound bite
How he’ll hate going out in the swarm
If they manage to quote him right
Will they still manage to inform?
Well, we all know Bush is lying
About these wiretaps and spying
Who can tell these folks to all go blow?
Tony Snow! Tony Snow! Tony Snow!
Time for a Blizzard
IMAO would like to welcome the new character to our In My World™ series.
New In My World™ coming soon…
Loose Screws
Though it doesn’t come out until Friday, rottentomatoes currently has 24 reviews for United 93. I kinda knew a film like this would rile up the nuts, but that doesn’t keep it from being off-putting. So far, only three reviews are negative, and one of them isn’t even a film review, it’s just a guy talking out his ass:
Greengrass disguises art as journalism by matter-of-factly declaring that United 93 crashed in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania at the “heroic” hands of its passengers in spite of the fact that the now famous “crash site” produced not one human corpse or even a single drop of blood.
The cell phone/air phone calls are an area of tacit fiction that the auteur fudges with discreet but significant treatment. The actual recorded calls from the “passengers” of United 93 are suspiciously vague and calculated.
The director’s “clear” gaze doesn’t extend to quoting the “actual” air phone dialogue, perhaps because he couldn’t compensate for its inherent falseness.
This is a movie that does more to discourage raising questions about what really happened to flight 93 than it does to encourage debate over the bastion of lies that have been fed to the American people.
The “reviewer” Cole Smithey (if that is his real name) mentions twice the documentary “Loose Change.” I’ve heard numerous moonbats mention this film that supposedly shows that everything about 9/11 and Flight 93 was faked– and I guess the families (who all gave permission for this film) were bribed into pretending they got phone calls from their loved one’s on the doomed flight.
Give me a sec while I Google what the hell “Loose Change” is about…
…
Okay, here’s the Wikipedia article on it (and, incidentally, Wikipedia was used as a source for “Loose Change” which should tell you about the accuracy of it).
Flight 93
* Suggests that United Airlines Flight 93 did not crash in rural Shanksville, Pennsylvania but actually landed safely at Cleveland Hopkins Airport where it was evacuated by government personnel into an unused NASA research center.
I think that’s all I need to read to declare anyone who cites “Loose Change” to be a complete and utter fruitcake. Why is the Flight 93 story so hard to believe? Are there liberals out there who just can’t believe in heroism?
As for the other negative reviews, they seem to do more with politics than anything else (even the highly liberal film critics seem to really be liking the film). One of the other negative reviews muses whether the families of the terrorists were asked permission to make the film. That right there deserves a whack with a Cluebat™. Most of the other reviews say the terrorists were treated in the film as fairly as you can treat murderous terrorist… for those concerned about negative portrayals of terrorists.
The other negative review is on Salon, and I’d have to click on an ad to read it all. Investigative journalism can only go so far.
Anyway, SarahK and I plan on seeing United 93 this weekend. I’ll be curious how much noise the movie premiere creates… and how much of that will come from the nuts.