Apparently these are popping up everywhere.
Unfortunately I can’t talk about it.
Archive of entries posted on May 2006
I Wonder If There Will Still Be Internets in the Future
Tomorrow Jim Baen’s Universe, the new science fiction e-zine, premiers. They have a pretty big lineup of authors – and hopefully I’ll be among them soon (one editor liked my short story, but I’m waiting on the main editor to give his verdict; if it doesn’t work out, then I shall try again with a new story – actually, I’ll write a new story either way). I was just going to plug them for the heck of it, but then I found out it has an affiliate program, so you can click on the link below, check it out (there’s a flash animated cover), and, if you subscribe (which comes with free stuff), I get some money.
So, click the link below and have a look-see; we’ll still be here.
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
Grudgingly Admitting That the French Aren’t Completely Useless
Driving through Paris at speeds up to 140 mph, blowing red lights, narrowly missing cars, pedestrians, and pigeons.
A 9-minute video thrill ride that I thought you guys might like.
[Hat tip: Snooze Button Dreams]
(Full background story in the extended entry)
Continue reading ‘Grudgingly Admitting That the French Aren’t Completely Useless’ »
GOP Loses Congress, Bush Impeached,
Rove Indicted, Pigs Fly
Like my headline? These events aren’t made up they’re just too far in front of the news cycle.
Which is to say they aren’t true, but only because they haven’t happened YET.
Any other unlikely headlines you can think of that the Left would believe just because they want it to be true SOOOOOOO bad?
QUERY: Cell Phone
Okay, so my plan is up at Verizon and I’m getting a little tired keying in my text messages on the numeric keypad of my slidey-phone.
Since I text more than I call, I figure I ought to get a text device that doubles as a cell phone and not the other way around.
I’ve asked the IFOC audience this every now and then, and now it’s time to toss the net into the ocean of wisdom that is the IMAO audience…
Required features:
SMS capability
Alpha keypad
Alarm clock
Records voice memos
Ability to play Backgammon when waiting for things
Optional:
Email capability
Sync to computer
Plays MP3s
Takes some form of common data card
Simple headset
Web browsing
Decent battery life
Isn’t the size of a concrete block
Not critical:
Camera
Bluetooth
Funky ringtones (I tend to leave phones on vibrate-silent mode)
Preferred carrier is Cingular/AT&T.
Suggestions? Personal experience?
In My World: It’s Ain’t Easy Being a Congressman
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stormed into the Oval Office. “Those gringos in Congress keep trying to stop me from investigating them. When I came to search for more bribery evidence, they told me to ‘go eat some burritos.’ I think that might have been an ethnic slur, but I still took the suggestion.” Alberto took a bite from his burrito.
“Something is up with that Congress!” Bush declared. “Last time I visited them, I think I saw them forging my signature on bills.” Bush shot to his feet and knocked over his desk. “It’s time to break up whatever racket they have going.” He looked to Alberto. “First, I’ll need one of your burritos because I’m hungry.”
“Get your own.”
“Aww.”
Bush kicked open the doors to Congress. “Where are you, Denny? It’s time to talk.”
Dennis Hastert turned to face Bush. He was wearing a pimp hat, holding a pimp cane, and surrounded by hos. “What’s the matter, Dubya? Everything is cool here.”
“Then how come I heard that you’re selling drugs to the kids who come here on field trips?”
“What kid snitched on me?” Hastert demanded angrily as he shook his cane in the air. “Sounds like someone is in need of a pimp slap!”
“I know something is going on here!” Bush declared. “I want you to cooperate with the FBI!”
“There ain’t nothing to find here, so why don’t you get out of here before I put my foot up your ass.”
Bush rolled up his sleeves. “You’re pushing me, Hastert. Just look at my poll numbers; I ain’t got nothing to lose.”
Nancy Pelosi walked over and looked at Bush with disgust. “What does he want?”
“He thinks he needs to let the FBI investigate our offices,” Hastert explained.
“That’s silly,” Pelosi said. “That’s just the Executive Branch overreaching.”
“What do you have to hide?” Bush asked suspiciously. “Are you trying to keep the FBI from finding out you’re actually an evil sewer mutant?”
“I’ll feast upon your blood!” Pelosi shrieked and leapt at Bush, but Hastert held her back with his pimp cane.
“Dubya, why don’t you get out of here before we pass a bipartisan declaration saying that you’re a square,” Hastert said.
“But… but… I’m cool!”
Hastert adjusted his pimp hat. “Then let Congress do what Congress does.”
Bush hung his head. “Okay. I’ll go.”
“When you’re on your way out could you give this to a guy waiting on the corner?” Hastert handed something wrapped in tin foil to Bush.
“What is it?”
“Nothing… but don’t look in it.”
Bush dialed a number on the phone. “Hey, Laura! I need you to bail me out of prison again… I didn’t understand the charges; they said they’ll explain them to me in court tomorrow… Well, I don’t think I did anything wrong, but you stay away from Congress! You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy… That was from Star Wars; I’m so proud you recognized that… Is there anything else I need? Well– uh– tell Alberto to share his burritos!”
Yay! I’m Like a Publisher!
Things You Didn’t Know About Jesse MacBeth
(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment)
In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.
Only problem being that he didn’t actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.
Because he wasn’t in Iraq.
Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.
Ever.
However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn’t make you doubt Jesse’s character. I’m sure that – thirty years from now – CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:
- While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.
- Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.
- Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.
- Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.
- Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.
- Manufactured O-rings for NASA.
- Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.
- …AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.
- Planned the Imperial defense of Endor’s moon against the Ewoks.
- Stalked the streets of London as “Jesse the Ripper”
- While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids’ names from the “nice” list.
- “New Coke“
- Converted “Who Let the Dogs Out?” into a ringtone.
- Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.
- Invented telemarketing.
- Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, “Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you’d finally have your own homeland.”
- Wrote “The Communist Manifesto”.
- Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.
- Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.
- “Jar-Jar”
Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.
Self-Defense Actually Reported by the AP!
Five robbers with firearms versus a former Marine with a pocket knife. Guess who wins?
The sad thing was the one robber killed in the attack was a woman who was two-weeks pregnant (it was clear self-defense, but still). There are all these warning for pregnant women such as don’t smoke and don’t drink. I guess “don’t mug people” should be added to the list now.
UPDATE: New reports say she wasn’t pregnant. And the story is acutally linked to on CNN’s frontpage (acutally, I saw it there first and figured Blackfive would have commentary).
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The 57th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, June 1st! Thursday! And it will be at The MoxArgon Group‘s place! Really!
Get those entries in to here, or here!
Schedule
Jun 08, #58- Jerry Dante [language]
Jun 15, #59- FIAR!
Hate To Correct Frank J., But…
In this post on the advantages of a putting a wall of flame along the Mexican border, Frank said:
Can’t be graffitied. Fire burns paint.
Never underestimate the power of Mexican ingenuity:
(click to enlarge)
The rest of his points still hold true, though.
Say… what do you suppose is painted on the other side of this flaming wall?
The Top 100’s AFI ignores
The American Film Institute is celebrating its 100 year anniversary with a smattering of Top 100 lists, timed for release to the press for maximum irrelevance and overuse by the issue-averse MSM.
Quotes? Scores? Passions? Thrills?
Give me a break.
How about some cool Top 100 Lists?
100. Top 100 “Cigarette Burn” Moments
99. Top 100 Films Where The Earth Is Destroyed
98. Top 100 Key Grips
97. Top 100 Movies Based On Television Shows
96. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses Who Worked Despite An Injury On The Set
95. Top 100 Films That Never Made It To The Theater And Ended Up With Just One Copy In Someone’s Vault For Decades
94. Top 100 Most Impressive Mustaches
93. Top 100 Outrageous Accents
92. Top 100 Shots Of The World Trade Center
91. Top 100 Dogfights
90. Top 100 Characters That Are 180 Degrees Politically From The Person Portraying Them, But They Do It For The Paycheck
Headline of the Day
AP: Jury Finds Muhammad Guilty in Sniper Trial
Well, what did you expect after drawing all those cartoons mocking the guy?
A Union Boss Is Gone, So Just Be Happy
Did you know the FBI is still looking for Jimmy Hoffa? I guess if you lose a Hoffa, it will just dog you until you find him again. So did they check the couch? I lose stuff a lot either under couch cushions or under the couch itself if the cats were batting it around. When they last saw Hoffa, were the cats playing with him?
And, are they sure they have his home phone number right? Maybe the reason they called his house and never got an answer all these years is they were dialing the wrong number. Hoffa could just have been home all this time watching TV while the FBI dialed the wrong number looking for him; won’t they feel dumb if that’s true.
America Has Too Many Citizens
An Editorial by Frank J.
The other day, I saw some weird thing I didn’t understand. It was some electronic thing with blinking lights. I smashed it with a bat. You may say, “Hey, Frank, you shouldn’t have been so quick to smash that with a bat. You should have waited to find out what that was; it could have been a good thing.” To which I say, “Hey, Pollyanna, it also could have been a bad thing that could have destroyed us all. All I know for certain was that I didn’t understand it, so I smashed it with a bat. That’s my policy.” There are some things, though, that I don’t understand but am unable to smash with a bat. Like, I don’t understand why America has so many citizens. So, when I can’t understand something but also can’t smash it with a bat, I write an editorial. In a way, editorials are my bats to smash concepts I don’t understand, and, in this case, why America has so many citizens is the electronic thing with blinky lights that needs to be smashed.
“With each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking.”
Do you know how many citizens America has? Hundreds of millions. That’s a lot of people. To put it in a concept easier to grasp, think of one man standing in an auditorium. Now, think of a hundred million times that. And think of some of them as Mexican. That’s scary!
Every day, the best and brightest of other countries come to America to be citizens, but, at the same time, we don’t throw out our worst and dumbest. Why? Well, everyone who is born in America gets citizenship automatically. I know; it’s not like being born is such an accomplishment (well, it’s a bit harder since Roe v. Wade), but, still, that’s all you have to do and you’re here forever even if you’re a moron and you suck. That’s not right. Everyone should have to prove his or her citizenship.
Of course, I would easily get citizenship. I work hard, I am super-smart, and I know how to use firearms; I’m the model every citizen should follow. I’m even working on making robots to pick fruit so we don’t need illegal aliens to do that. So far, they all eventually go on murderous rampages, but, with each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking. Anyway, I could not understand how anyone could think I should not be a citizen. In fact, I would smash such a person with a bat.
So, smart people who design fruit-picking robots should be citizens, but smelly hippies who whine about America should not. For each immigrant we take, we should deport at least three hippies. Other countries may not like us forcing them to take our wretched refuse, but that’s why we have a whole military designed to kill foreigners. They can make countries like whatever we want them to like.
So let’s make a better country by being more discriminate about our citizens. First thing, let’s revoke everyone’s citizenship, including especially Congress’s. Then, everyone has to prove their worth or be deported to whatever country we’re currently bullying. It may not be Constitutional, but the Supreme Court will have their citizenship revoked too, so the point is moot.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Making Robots Less-Murderous: A Beginner’s Guide to Robot Design” and “Smashing Hamlet with a Bat: A Guide to Shakespeare from Someone Who Didn’t Understand It”.