Previously on 24, President Estrogen admitted that Palmer’s killer works for him, Marty flipped out, Estro said pretty please don’t ask anymore questions, Robocop told Estro that he’s saving the tape for in case the President has him offed, Miles the Weasel found Chloe at Bill Buchanan’s house, Mr. F called and tipped off Bill and Chloe that CTU was on the way, Chloe (who has reapplied lipstick) couldn’t leave because she’s still helping Jackiepooh, Rico Suave returned to save Audrey and captured Robocop, which made SarahK happy (all except the saving Audrey part), and Audrey started to kinda sorta grow on SarahK. But she’s on a really short leash! Also Jack tracked the recording to a chartered diplomatic flight and hopped aboard below deck just as the plane started to rev up, and nobody noticed.
Archive of entries posted on 1st May 2006
I Made Chimichangas Tonight
Three Cheers for the Mexican
My Poor Sister
Ducky’s Lair-Type Jewish Commentary
Here’s today’s riddle boys and girls. An Islamic Imam whacked a six year old girl on the face. (HT: Little Green Footballs) The reason: For stepping on his precious prayer rug. Why would a representative of the Religion of Peace so something so violent to such a young girl? What excuse you he possible have?
Answer below the fold.
Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ
Q. What’s a chicken hawk? Is it like some sort of half-hawk, half-chicken?
A. Actually, it’s a hawk that eats chicken. And rats.
Q. Cool! What’s its wingspan?
A. 28-30 in. (male); 31-34 in. (female)
Q. The female is bigger.
A. Well don’t tell her that, or she’ll think you’re implying she’s fat and will peck your eyes out.
Q. So why do supporters of the war get called “chicken hawks” like its an insult?
A. Well, the short answer is some people are morons.
Q. What’s the long answer?
A. Back when man first started to learn to use tools, certain spears were made using…
Q. What’s the medium-length answer?
A. Many liberals, in their diminished mental capacities, like to have a word or phrase to shout over and over in lieu of the mental preparedness needed for an actual debate of issues. Fighting tyranny is a complicated issue, and, rather than admit they’re on the side of tyranny, many liberals will try to avoid debate altogether in any way possible.
Q. Liberals seem to use the phrase “chicken hawk” against people who aren’t in the military? Do liberals want a government where decisions are only made by those in the military?
A. No, they hate the military.
Q. But they say they support the troops!
A. And you can train a parrot to say the same thing. That doesn’t mean anything.
Q. So what would happen if someone in the military tried to debate them on the issues?
A. First, the liberal would try to find some way of discounting the military service so that the person is still, in their bloodshot eyes, a “chicken hawk” by their understanding. If unsuccessful, they will then find some other phrase to shout over and over, such as “baby-killer,” “you only joined the military because you were too and dumb and too poor for anything else,” or “you may have been in Iraq, but you still don’t know what you’re talking about because you don’t read twenty newspapers a day.”
Q. Who reads newspapers anymore? They’re gay.
A. You know that and I know that, but, as usual, liberals are behind the times.
Continue reading ‘Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ’ »
Evil Mentiras (Evil Lie) On Mexican Work Day
How Cow! I knew Glenn Reynolds had influence, but never in my life did I imagine that the Puppy Blender controlled the minds of so many innocent, hardworking Undocumented Americans.
Here’s a picture of Glenn at a recent rally.
Please note that these are innocent people who came here with the sole goal of feeding their families. Now when little Miguel and Carmen go to bed, they have bellies full of Puppy Milkshake!! Is this the full extent of the puppy blender’s influence on Mexican-undocumneted American’s lives? No way, Jose!
Just look at these amazing true lies about Glenn “the Puppy Blender” Reynolds. ..
* The Mexican American border is completely unsecured, allowing the flow of Mexican workers, drug smugglers, and puppy breeders.
* The entire economy of Mexico is almost enought to buy advertising on Instapundit for one month. Two if Glenn is buying lots of puppies.
* The sombrero was invented when Glenn demanded an entertaining way for his workers to make puppies race around on the top of their heads.
* The former currency of Mexico used to be the Insta-Peso.
* Don’t Drink the Water was a campaign started by Glenn. The purpose: To export more puppy smoothies!
* Mexican Folk dancing was very ballet oriented. Until Glenn got bored and made puppies run through the Mexican Hat Stomping Maze of Doom.
That’s right. Evil Glenn has tremendous control over these poor illegal-Americans. Now he’s using them to march on Los Angeles in a desperate attempt to gain even more power for his Insta-Empire.
What can we do about it?
Nothing. But let’s hope he gives us a link.
In honor of Make A Mexican Do all the work today, we have a special guest commentator: El Guapo.
**
Hello friends. I am grateful for the plethora of opportunity that you, the wonderful fans, give me at IMAO. In recent news, “fans gathered outside a hospital Sunday where Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards was reportedly being treated for a mild concussion he suffered after falling out of a palm treewhile vacationing in Fiji.”
This leads me to ask…
In My Mundo
Presidente Fox looked at his TV screen. The news had just shown a segment on the millions of Mexican workers in California.
“In very little time, we can claim the entire California economy as our own. That means we will be the sixth largest economy in the world. Muy Bueno!”
Vicente’s assistant, Manuel, didn’t quite understand. “What does Moy Bono mean?”
“Doesn’t anybody around here speak Spanish?”
“I think some of the tourists. Anyway, you can’t claim the entire California economy, you have to average it mathematically with our own.”
“That is correct. So After factoring in California, where would we be?”
“Averaging in the California economy, we’d be 198th. Slightly behind Nigeria!”
“How can we catch up to those people? They’ve got those stupid You Can Feed This Boy For Just 20 Cents a Day Commercials running day and night?”
“Maybe we could ask for charity?”
Vicente picked up an old , stale hamburger and chucked it at Manuel. Mexico, in an attempt to become more hip, had tried to make it’s own hamburger recipe. The end result being maximum diarrhea and food poisoning. Millions of hamburgers were discarded to an undisclosed location .
“Manuel, Mexico does not ask for charity. Now get me President Bush on the phone, I need to demand more rights for our workers in America. I just complaint from a citizen saying he had to wait two weeks for his free hernia operation”
“I can’t. Our operators are all on strike in sympathy for the Mexican workers in America. Remember, today is the day when everyone is calling out sick in America.”
“Is there nobody here who can operate a simple switchboard?” Vicente asked.
“Well, we have Pepe the Mule. Pepe was a good phone operator until he started getting bored and he started making crank calls to foreign countries. Should I have him patch you through?”
“Immediatamente!!”
Manuel looked puzzled. “Huh?”
“Yes, estupido. YES. That means immediately! Curse that stupid Ingles Sin Barreras course. Now nobody in Mexico speaks English. Pretty soon we’ll have to take all of our government documents and translate them into foreign languages. Be this the end of our culture? I yearn to be among those who speak Spanish. I need a trip to Los Angeles.”
**
The phone rang in the oval office. “Mr President, this is going to sound strange, but I have a jackass on line 4 for you.”
President Bush laughed. “You tell Al Gore that I won this last election fair and square. Send him another box of chocolates. I love watching him get fat.”
“No, Mr. President. I mean, Pepe the Mule is calling from Mexico.”
President Bush picked up the phone. “Hi Pepe. I don’t know anything about Prince Albert in a can. And I certainly don’t know anything about us sending him to a foreign country to help us with our torture. What? Oh, yeah. Let me talk to Vinnie.”
“Mr. Bush, I demand that you allow more illegal Mexican immigrants into your country, and that you educated them, give them jobs, and free healthcare!!”
“But my base of loyal Republicans supporters will be upset with me!”
“Pretty, please?”
“You know I could never say no to you, Pepe!”
“It’s Vicente. Not Pepe.”
“Whatever.”
**
President Bush’s latest creation, the Tony Snow-maton stepped up the microphone to address the press corps. “We’ve called this press conference to address the serious concerns this nation has about securing our nation and keeping it safe. Any questions? How about you, Crypt Keeper?”
Helen Thomas answered, “I told you to stop calling me that! Anyway, what are you going to do about this horrible torture that is being inflicted on Arabs?”
“Torture?”
“Yes,” Helen continued. “I just stepped off of Air Force One and all they play on that is Fox News. I couldn’t stand their coverage of world events. For a minute there, I almost started rooting for America.”
“Helen, I understand all you’ve been through. As a special treat for what you folks have endured, we’ve prepared a special lunch. Mexican Hamburgers.”
**
President Bush turned on this TV. “I’ve done another great day of work. My poll numbers are sure to improve by now. What’s this? One of those Feed the Kiddies commercial.”
Announcer: This is Manuel. Manuel has nothing in this world but his little donkey Pepe. Please, won’t you help us feed Pepe? And Manuel, too? For just 26 cents a day, you too can make a difference in the lives….”
Who needs immigrants when we have cats!
Okay, so today’s supposed to be some kind of “Day Without Immigrants” thing where illegals and their supporters will not go to work, skip school, and rally in various cities across the country.
Fine. We don’t need you. Because we citizens have a secret weapon up out sleeves: cats.
We will replace you with cats.
Continue reading ‘Who needs immigrants when we have cats!’ »
Today Is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day
By a unanimous decision of me, today is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day. Thus, RightWingDuck will have to write an In My World™, compose a filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds, snark a TV show, do a funny photoshop, write some self-deprectating Jewish humor, and do whatever is that spacemonkey does plus his HTML hacking (expect the site to be down for periods at a time unrealted to Saudis).
Wish Ducky luck, and he just might earn his $1.75 an hour.
It’s My Service Revolver
Being a housewife, I watch soap operas. Actually, just one soap — General Hospital.
So the other day I was watching the show. Lucky Spencer is a cop, and he’s in the hospital (Frank always asks if anything actually happens at a hospital, and the answer is yes). Lucky hurt his back shortly after his partner was killed in a shootout. So now Lucky’s self-medicating to the point that they took away his morphine drip and he only gets his super happy pills. And he thinks he saw his wife in a cozy conversation with this cad doctor (Rick Springfield’s son) who hits on all the women, married or no. Lucky didn’t actually see Elizabeth in a cozy conversation, but he’s wacked out, so there’s no telling him that.
Ok, so Lucky’s brother Nicholas walked into Lucky’s hospital room and saw Lucky loading rounds into the magazine of his semi-automatic pistol. The pistol was sitting on the bed.
NICHOLAS: Lucky, what are you doing? Where did you get that gun?
LUCKY: It’s my service revolver.
I laughed a long while.
Despite Terrorists Threats, IMAO Will Still Try an Be Funny
As we all know, IMAO was brought down by either Saudian Arabian terrorists or Manbearpig, who is half man, half bear, half pig. Apparently, attacks were aimed at Aaron’s Rantblog which is still having trouble staying up. When it is up, make sure to send him hatemail for angering the Saudian Arabians, some of the world’s most peaceful people.
Despite these setback, IMAO will continue to move forward, making jokes about punching liberals in the face to conceal our hidden desires to kick liberals in the knee.
Remember: Only you – and the United States Military – can prevent terrorism.