The other day, I saw some weird thing I didn’t understand. It was some electronic thing with blinking lights. I smashed it with a bat. You may say, “Hey, Frank, you shouldn’t have been so quick to smash that with a bat. You should have waited to find out what that was; it could have been a good thing.” To which I say, “Hey, Pollyanna, it also could have been a bad thing that could have destroyed us all. All I know for certain was that I didn’t understand it, so I smashed it with a bat. That’s my policy.” There are some things, though, that I don’t understand but am unable to smash with a bat. Like, I don’t understand why America has so many citizens. So, when I can’t understand something but also can’t smash it with a bat, I write an editorial. In a way, editorials are my bats to smash concepts I don’t understand, and, in this case, why America has so many citizens is the electronic thing with blinky lights that needs to be smashed.

 Do you know how many citizens America has? Hundreds of millions. That’s a lot of people. To put it in a concept easier to grasp, think of one man standing in an auditorium. Now, think of a hundred million times that. And think of some of them as Mexican. That’s scary!

 Every day, the best and brightest of other countries come to America to be citizens, but, at the same time, we don’t throw out our worst and dumbest. Why? Well, everyone who is born in America gets citizenship automatically. I know; it’s not like being born is such an accomplishment (well, it’s a bit harder since Roe v. Wade), but, still, that’s all you have to do and you’re here forever even if you’re a moron and you suck. That’s not right. Everyone should have to prove his or her citizenship.

 Of course, I would easily get citizenship. I work hard, I am super-smart, and I know how to use firearms; I’m the model every citizen should follow. I’m even working on making robots to pick fruit so we don’t need illegal aliens to do that. So far, they all eventually go on murderous rampages, but, with each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking. Anyway, I could not understand how anyone could think I should not be a citizen. In fact, I would smash such a person with a bat.

 So, smart people who design fruit-picking robots should be citizens, but smelly hippies who whine about America should not. For each immigrant we take, we should deport at least three hippies. Other countries may not like us forcing them to take our wretched refuse, but that’s why we have a whole military designed to kill foreigners. They can make countries like whatever we want them to like.

 So let’s make a better country by being more discriminate about our citizens. First thing, let’s revoke everyone’s citizenship, including especially Congress’s. Then, everyone has to prove their worth or be deported to whatever country we’re currently bullying. It may not be Constitutional, but the Supreme Court will have their citizenship revoked too, so the point is moot.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Making Robots Less-Murderous: A Beginner’s Guide to Robot Design” and “Smashing Hamlet with a Bat: A Guide to Shakespeare from Someone Who Didn’t Understand It”.