Ryan should keep his hands out of his pants pockets tonight, because the hands in the pocket are making his suit give him boobies. For reals.
Anyway, I suspect tonight will be one of the biggest beatings of my life, ranking right up there with the night Frank beat me silly because I forgot to have his dinner ready when he got home from work and my great bike crash of 2002 that left me scarred, bruised for 6 months, and battered.
For the two of you who don’t know, I can’t change the station fast enough if I hear Elvis on the radio. Especially slow songs. Gag me with a spork.
Tommy Motolla is helping. I can’t show respect for someone who married Mariah Carey.

Did I say that out loud? I’ll have to remember to go back and erase that. Such a great producer. Not the best judgment. Lemme ask. Does Priscilla Presley still live at Graceland? With all the tourists coming and going? I hope her house is decorated like that for the tourists and not by personal choice.
Say, we just spent the last 15 minutes watching Sydney jump around on the plant ledge, which is a 4 foot jump from the crow’s nest for her. Then I took pictures of Syd and Minerva and Rowdi. Way more exciting than Elvis night.
IDOLS 01 and IDOLS 05… Taylor will be singing “Jailhouse Rock”. If he manages to make this boring and safe, I’ll be out on him. Ok, not boring and safe, but not exciting. Great vocals but more on the mic later. What was up with him taking out the earpieces in the middle of the song? I guess he didn’t want to hear himself any more. Hmm, it wasn’t dull. The dancing was funish. But Taylor needs to be conscious of his mic placement. Usually when he’s throwing around the mic or missing kicking over the mic stand or throwing away his earpiece or moving side to side or walking or not walking, he misses the mic. It’s not bad sound, it’s only Taylor. He’s either too far from the mic or he forgets it’s there. Of course, they have 2 mics, and I don’t know the purpose of the teeny lapel mic. Anyway, mind your mic, Taylor. Randy: You’re hot tonight. Paula: I’m drunk tonight and I LOVE YOUUUUU! You look fantastic!! Simon: Let’s finally get real, it was KaraoKe with a capital K. SarahK: Meh. Not boring, not standout. You get an F for choosing an Elvis song. Ryan accuses Simon of hardly living in the real world because Simon’s so rich. I’m sure that Casey Kasem gig and the radio show and the E! show and the American Idol gig have Ryan living in the ghetto with Kenny. REWATCH: Soul Patrol! If you didn’t hear me say it, maybe you heard Taylor one of the 47 times he said it. Way better on the dancing than Katharine. He doesn’t enunciate so well, but that could be the mic thing. Earpiece flying all over the place. It was good but nothing spectacular. Why don’t they ever let Simon speak? And I love it when he tells Paula to shut up. Everyone should do that now and then.
IDOLS 02 and IDOLS 06… Chris wears boxer briefs, for any concerned. Ryan is a little uncomfy with that, because he was really hoping for tighty whiteys. He is singing “Suspicious Minds”, his all-time favorite Elvis song. You know what’s my all-time favorite Elvis song? The Sound of Silence. Chris’s future’s so bright he’s gotta wear shades on stage. He looks good, I like his clothes. That’s about the only good I can say about this performance. He sounds very pop on this. And it’s about as blah as I’ve ever seen Chris. Randy: Sensitive, kinda nice, not my favorite, kinda nice. Paula: See you in the finals. Simon: Other than the sunglasses it worked. SarahK: I liked the sunglasses, and that’s about it. You get an F for choosing an Elvis song. REWATCH: Just nothing stands out. They’re dumbing him down, and I don’t care for it.
IDOLS 03 and IDOLS 07… Elliott. Tommy Motolla said to him, “Don’t Jew up that song.” At least that’s how I would translate “Don’t make it sound like a bar mitzvah song.” Wow. He took it well, though. Elliott is singing “I Can Dream”, which Paula says Simon says is the song Elvis used to close his shows. He lost his key when he got lost in a cloud but immediately picked it back up and saved himself. Other than that one note that made my migraine worse, it was outstanding. Tilt your head down, though, when you’re doing the big notes. Trust me, just do it. Randy: Great, dawg. Paula: Gibbledy gook, waka waka, you’ve evolved, your best ever. Simon: Obscure song, great job. SarahK: Hard to beat that. You get an A for making an Elvis song sound good. REWATCH: I’m trying like mad to vote for him and have gotten a million busy signals. And it was the best of the night on the rewatch too.
IDOLS 04 and IDOLS 08… Katharine is singing “Hound Dog” and “All Shook Up”, because apparently there were 3 Elvis songs she wanted to do. Strike 1. She looks great, I love the washed out jeans and the grey top. Ok, there’s one mediocre note… I hate the switching back and forth, and oh my goodness, did she try and fail at the hip jiggle Elvis is way too famous for? !!! She forgot her lyrics!!! Bad Katharine. The stage performance is yuck, but the vocals are actually surprisingly great. You know. When she remembered to sing. Randy: Yo, you forgot your lyrics. Paula: But you played it off smart by turning your back to the audience. Simon: Manic, very audition-for-musical-y. Shrieky. Shreiky? Don’t feel like looking it up. I think it’s ie. SarahK: Paula, the audience is smart enough to know she forgot her lyrics. But the guys were probably distracted by the butt shot, so maybe it worked. I don’t know, you’d have to ask a guy. Anyway, she gets an F- for singing not just one but two Elvis songs. REWATCH: The failing Elvis hip dance is just sad. There are times she just really looks tired. She does a big dance number and then stands almost completely still for a few seconds. Vocals are good but not as good as the first time.
01/05… Taylor’s second song is “In The Ghetto”. I’m sorry, but I can’t hear the title or think of this song without cracking up and thinking of Cartman singing it. “In the Ghetto-o-o-o-o-o…” LOL, I won’t be able to judge this one fairly. BTW, why does Taylor always squirm like he has to pee when he’s sitting? Oh, funny, Frank freeze framed it, and Ryan’s hand was on Taylor’s shoulder, and Taylor has this look on his face like “He better get his !@#$ hands off of me NOW!” Ok, I’m trying hard to listen, but I keep busting out in giggle fits every time he says “In the ghetto…”. Anyway, awesome Taylor, no dancing, yay, and wow, it’s high and mighty. Randy: Right key, right song, hot hot hot. Paula: You know I love you. Simon: Much better, welcome to next week. SarahK: Bravo. He gets a B- (F for picking an Elvis song, A+ on the singing of it, B for making me get too giggly to listen). REWATCH: 2nd best performance of the night, behind Elliott’s “I Can Dream”. UPDATE: See below, this drops to 3rd best of the night.
02/06… Chris is singing “A Little Less Conversation”. The sexy factor in this one is off the charts, and that might be the only thing that saves him. No wait, that ending is the other thing that saves him. Great ending. The rest was blah, but I guess he needed to build up. Randy: Hot dawg. Or is that hot, dawg. Paula: Yay. Simon: I liked the first one better. SarahK: The first one didn’t even have a good ending. A+ on the sexy, F for picking an Elvis song. I liked you better when you were a so-called one trick pony. REWATCH: I guess I missed the Cap’n Tightpantsyness the first time around, but it’s still good. This is better the 2nd time around. The whole package is there. And I love that ending.
03/07… Elliott is singing “Trouble”. I really like when he wears jeans with boots and a sport coat / blazer / whatever the cool kids call it these days. It’s a good look for him. Ok, y’all, Elliott is owning everyone else tonight. Pwning, as the cool kids inexplicably say. Seriously, what’s with replacing the O with the P? Or am I missing something? Anyway, Elliott rules and gets 10 votes from me. Randy: Yo yo!! Paula: Seal clap! Arm wave! Elliott plus Paula equals LUV 4EVER! Simon: You deserve to go through to the next round. Came out fighting. SarahK: Elliott is the best tonight hands down. A++ for making another Elvis song sound not like Elvis. See you in the finals. REWATCH: I still can’t get through on his line. I should have called earlier. I changed my mind. This one is almost as good as his first one and better than “In the Ghetto”. Hooray for Elliott! I’m so glad he’s finally killin’ on stage. And I liked when Ryan implied Paula’s a stripper. That was classy!
04/08… Katharine’s second song is… oh yes, I suspected she would do this… It’ll be hard to ever vote for Katharine again. I think the only Elvis song I hate more than “Can’t Help Falling in Love” is “Blue Christmas”. Ugh, the outfit. Kellie Pickler meets Paris Bennett meets a tax accountant. Song starts beautifully. After the beginning, I’m out. And at the end, she really has nothing left, it’s like she’s sung her last note. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn. Randy: Yo, pitchy, no air left at the end. Paula: I have no idea what she said. Shoes! I love the shoes! Simon: You’re in trouble, it started beautifully (I said that!), it was over the top, you picked bad songs tonight. REWATCH: Not better the 2nd time.
In order:
Elliott by a mile **********
Taylor**
Chris** – not voting for him. 1/3 of 1 song was good. :'( – changed my mind, see below.
Katharine – oh no. maybe i should vote for Chris just to make sure he wins over her.
Bottom 2: Chris, Katharine. Going home: This one’s hard. I think it should be Katharine, but Chris was really bland tonight, and the judges picking on Katharine will garner her a few extra votes. The sunglasses on Chris will have a few guys not voting. Paris’s votes probably go to Kat or Elliott… So I predict Chris is gone before his time. But I’ve already decided. The finals should be Elliott and Taylor. Now I have to go do the rewatch.
UPDATE: Since it’s almost 1, and I can’t get through on Elliott’s line, I’m not voting for Taylor or Chris either. Ok, maybe Chris because I don’t want him to get stuck behind Kat. Can’t get through on his line either.