Many have been perplexed by Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert making such a fuss about the FBI raid again Democrat William Jefferson. It all seemed to make sense when ABC broke a story that Hastert is under investigation by the FBI. The Department of Justice has denied this, but ABC is sticking to its story and its unnamed sources. This brings us the question: Whom do we believe more? ABC or the Department of Justice?
Well, I for one know which one brings us more quality programming. So, I talked to my own sources – sources I will not name but I promise are really smart and know what they are talking about – and they told me that there is in fact a huge investigation of Hastert underway. My nameless sources also told me exactly what charges the FBI is pursuing, and it is as shocking as my sources are nameless.
DENNIS HASTERT IS THE HAMBURGLAR!
After a thrilling rooftop pursuit, Officer Big Mac was able to pull the mask off the Hamburglar and see that he was none other than Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. This was witnessed by numerous onlookers to whom Hastert shouted, “I’ll murder you all! I’ll murder you all and eat your hamburgers!”
Hastert then escaped back to his Congressional office and Officer Big Mac turned the matter over to the FBI.
The Hamburglar is responsible for the longest crime spree in American history and has topped the FBI’s Most Wanted List for decades. He is wanted for theft of hamburgers in every state (except Alaska and Hawaii), and the total cost of his years of crime is said to be in the billions. If the FBI is finally able to prove that Dennis Hastert is the Hamburglar, he could face multiple death penalty sentences. One can only imagine how many hamburger wrappers Hastert is hiding in his office and the lengths he will go to keep the public from knowing.
I for one hope Hastert is brought to justice, even though I eat more often at Taco Bell where I only get occasionally pestered by persistent Chihuahua who is easily kicked out of the way (the Burrito Bandito was found dead in a dumpster over fifteen years ago). If we live in a country where our Congressmen can steal our hamburgers and not face lethal injection, then we are nothing more than a monarchy.
FrankJ:
This was actually pretty funny. Good job.
For more McDonalds humor, check this out.
Peace,
Monkey Faced Liberal
However MFL, you are not.
So that’s what’s going on.
As for the link in the first comment, check out the brilliant ironist who just discovered the Onion. Next up, it’ll link to Instapundit.
MFL can be mildly entertaining, give him a jot of credit. Hastert should probably be investigated for opening the floodgates to millions of future U.
S. citizens who will need copious aqmounts of educational assistance, financial aid,etc. Ole!
I guess I should have included a quote from the story
Police sealed off the Rayburn House Office Building to search the garage area for a gunman or anyone who may have been injured after smelling grilled meat and reports of shots. There were independent reports by staff and a police officer that they had heard gunshots and seen a suspicious man wearing a striped suit, red tie and flowing cape, FOX Neus confirmed
Veeshir:
I didn’t just discover the Onion. That is why I linked to an article I remembered reading in it back in 2002. (Remember 2002? When Bush was trying to get us to go to war with Iraq because it was busy buying yellowcake, building nuclear centrifuges with alumninum tubes, and creating biological weapons in portable labs. I wonder how all that worked out?)
I am not familiar with Instapundit much though. Is that the website that suggested that invading any dictatorship with oil would be a good idea? And that has a series where they make a big deal about government pork, even though government earmarks account for less than 2% of total government spending?
Sounds like a funny web site, but I think I will stick with The Onion, and IAMO.
Of course, even if I had just discovered the Onion, it could be worse.
I could have continued to delude myself into thinking that Saddam has WMD even after it clearly became apparent that he didn’t, writing “I already know he [Saddam] had the [WMD] weapons, we’ve been finding them the whole time,” back in 2004.
And I could have suggested that the U.S. should have invaded the USSR after WWII, completely ignoring the fact that any military historian worth his salt would note that the USSR’s military might at the time would have meant that we wouldn’t have had a chance in hell of succeeding in such an effort.
Now, that WOULD be embarrassing. People might think me a fool.
Peace,
Monkey Faced Liberal
Hey, they are reporting a shooting at the Capital, which of course can’t be true because DC is the liberal example of Handgun Control… Wonder is Howard Dean finally went around the bend… Or if McKinney is just having another “spat” with Capital Hill police…or maybe someone got into Jefferson’s freezer…
MFL: Blah, blah, blah. Bush lied, people died. Blood for oil! The U.N. is effective! Ther were no WMDs, they never, ever existed. France, Russia, Germany, Italy, England, Clinton, Daschle, Kerry, Hillary were misinformed, Bush lied! (HEAD EXPLODES)
Man that thing just really keeps on giving, doesn’t it?
First, you knew it was going to show how cool it was by saying, I didn’t just discover the Onion….. back in 2002. It’s so cool it’s known about the Onion since long before you.
Then, this beaut
completely ignoring the fact that any military historian worth his salt would note that the USSR’s military might at the time would have meant that we wouldn’t have had a chance in hell of succeeding in such an effort.
You know, except for George S. Patton. But then, he wasn’t much of a historian or general, was he?
What a maroon. FrankJ, maybe you should harass MYDD or somebody who could send over a higher class of antagonist. This one is pretty dim at best. What makes it worse is that it’s got a stalking quality that, to paraphrase Homer, makes it OJ funny and not Ray Jay funny.
It has been confirmed that Hastert is responsible for all of the hullabaloo at the Rayburn building. But the noises that were reported as gun fire turned out to just be flatulence from too many McDonald’s hamburgers.
What variety of onions are we talking about? I grew some nice ones last year but I don’t think that ones from 2002 would still be any good. Vidalia are my favorite. They are sweet yet spicy.
mfl: completely ignoring the fact that any military historian worth his salt would note that the USSR’s military might at the time would have meant that we wouldn’t have had a chance in hell of succeeding in such an effort.
I know you think you are infallible, but you might want to take a look at the comparative military capabilities of the U.S. and Russia at the end of the war. Then try a semi-intelligent stab at the question. Hint: Start with nuclear and naval capabilities.
CaptAmerica:
Are you seriously suggesting that we should have used nukes on the Soviets at the end of WWII?
And that our Naval strengthen would somehow helped us fight our way through the Ukraine to Moscow?
Or that the American people would ever have supported a war against the USSR after losing 413,000 in the war so far?
You are even stupider than I thought. And that is saying something.
Veeshir:
As far as invading Russia on the ground, don’t live in a dream world. Look at the numbers.
USSR army divisions in 1945: 488
US army divisions in 1945: 94
Yes. The U.S. would have been invading a country outmanned by 4 to 1.
Combine that with excellent Russian tanks and tank production capabilities, supply lines that would stretch across an ocean, and a war weary populace, and you really think the U.S. could have invaded Russia?
Patton was a great battle-field general. But there was a reason that Eisenhower was in charge of overall strategy, not him.
For instance, Eisenhower didn’t say things like “The Nazis are just another political party.”
Of course, I am always willing to learn more. If you have any scholar articles that discuss how the U.S. could have invaded Russia, I would be happy to read them.
If you don’t I suggest you do what Powell should have done before telling the UN that Iraq was buying aluminum tubes to build nuclear centrifuges and had mobile biological weapons labs — stop looking stupid and shut the f— up.
Peace,
Monkey Faced Liberal
Excuse me, I’m still laughing hysterically!
MFL:
Its like I said yesterday:
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
-Abraham Lincoln
I’m guessing you missed that.
MLF, there is one glaring fact that you forgot to mention about 1945… guess what it is. I’ll even give you a hint: Japan knows.
I don’t think the Moscow would have wanted to take on Washington in 1945, no matter what the discrepancy in manpower.
The funniest part? It actually thinks I’m debating it while I’m just making fun of it and poking it with a stick. Cyberly speaking of course.
I keep going back and forth on whether it’s funny or not. On the one hand, it’s really too dimwitted to be funny on purpose. On the other, its overweening belief in its own intellectual superiority is really quite amusing.
I think I’ll just keep poking it with a stick until it stops making me laugh.
DAMN MY SLOW INTERNET! I apologize for posting that last comment more than once. If someone on the IMAO side would be so kind as to fix that I would be much obliged.
Grr, stupid comments malfunctioning. I tried to finish the thought I was making, but noooo.
Anyway, it didn’t matter whether or not America really would’ve used the atomic bomb against the USSR in 1945. What mattered is that Moscow would have been stupid to risk it. Would you be willing to take such a monumental gamble? I doubt it.
I’m bored.
You’re boring me, MFL.
Seriously.
I live in California, where you can’t swing a samauri sword without decapitating 20 loud mouth liberals (isn’t that a cool image). We have REAL loud-mouth libs here, and you’re just a pale, pathetic imitation.
I always find it funny when socialist lefties accuse us on the right of being Nazis, or Nazi symps, when the word Nazi is a derivation of the party’s real name, the National SOCIALIST German Worker’s Party.
Appaerently you haven’t had history in your JUCO yet MFL. You were the one who pointed out the insurmountable power of the Soviet Union vis-a-vis the US after WW2. Ever hear of a naval blockade. Do a little homework monkey boy and you’ll see that in terms of aircraft of all types, armored vehicles of all types, transportation, military and civilian infrastructure, etc America was dominant in all areas. Had the American people and Western Europe had the desire and fortitude, I would have placed my bets on us. You, on the other hand with opposable thumbs, are a typical pessimistic and delusional moron lib who knows it all, has done itall and speaks from total inexperience and ignorance. Why don’t you find a teen chat room where you might be able to con some kids about your intellect and superiority. You can’t play with the adults.
And you’re a doo doo head too.
This Memorial Day I’d like to think that all of us could put aside our political differences and pay tribute to those who have served and survived, and those who did not. The opportunity to punch liberal monkeys in the face was paid for by the blood and courage. And if ya get the chance pop Cindy Sheehan good one for me. have a safe and enjoyable weekend.
As a teen I would like to say that those who participate in our chat rooms are much smarter than the likes of MFL.
As a teen I would like to say that those who participate in our chat rooms are much smarter than the likes of MFL.
Posted by: AussieCasper on May 26, 2006 04:36 PM
Indeed.
As for invading the USSR in 1945, the US military had two great advantages, both of which the Germans did not have. We had 1.) The Bomb, and 2.) The ability using heavy bombers (the B-29, the oncoming B-32, and the incredible B-36) to reduce Soviet war resources (factories, oil fields, etc.) to scrap. The Soviets had the advantages of 1.) Short supply lines and 2.) General Winter. Personally, despite the cost until the Soviet Union finally imploded, I am glad we did not send our divisions of Army and Marines into the conditions that cost Napoleon’s Grand Armee and the Wehrmacht such horrible casualties.
AussieCasper, I fixed your dupes.
I know I must be a little bit slow… it’s the right winger in me… but how did we let this dupe (MFL) take us from Hastert as the Hamburgler to who had the biggest balls after WWII?
Just curious
AIC
AIC,
The reason he’s talking about Russia during WWII is because he has a severe case of A.D.D. (and terrets if you’ve read any of his comments). It’s sad I know, but we’re trying to get him the help he needs so that he can lead a productive life… and so he’ll stop bothering us.
“One can only imagine how many hamburger wrappers Hastert is hiding in his office and the lengths he will go to keep the public from knowing.”
That can be quite a fire hazard. Someone needs to contact Homeland Security. Or would that be McHomeland Security. Don’t laugh McDonalds is quite a bit more efficient than the federal government. OK, the food sucks but they do know their customers. The federal government sucks and they don’t have a clue about customer service. Anyone want to crack any jokes about beefing up security. Fries with that, anyone?
Speaking of McDonalds I always thought they should build a few in Iraq. Really, right in the middle of Anbar province. It doesn’t even have to be a real McDonalds just throw up a building with golden arches and set out a few dozen snipers. Every terrorist for miles will feel obligated to hit the place.
Along the same lines, the other idea was the Trojan pig. Just find a good vacant place outside Ramadi with good firing lines wheel in your giant pig and wait. If that doesn’t draw terrorist in paint the pig red, white, and blue and put a minaret on it.
Heres a question for the ages: which mascot is more disturbing, Ronald McDonald or the Burger King “King”?
I personally think that the “King” is more freaky. Like he would kill me and use my entrails in some satanic ritual, but thats just my take on things.
One thing that Monkey Boy forgets is that America once committed to battle has never been defeated…ever! Not WWI, WWII, Korea or even his favorite Vietnam. We never lost a battle…we just lost the war because of smelly hippies and other idiots like Jane Fonda that turned on their country. Kinda’ like they are now doing. Liberals suck! They have NO ideas other than the Nanny State. Big Government, High Taxes, Government Knows Better Than The Citizen, More Regulations, Centralized Power, No Military Use Ever, All Power To The UN Always! You are an idiot Monkey Boy!
MFL,
[insert witty insult here]. You are a(n) [derogatory adjective][derogatory noun]. There is no way the USSR could have beaten us after WWII. For one thing [insert devastating evidence to debunk your theory]. Additionally, [more evidence to the contrary of your argument].
You are a complete [expletive deleted][derogatory noun].
[Finish with another devastating insult].
Everyone else,
Let’s try to follow the above form, ok?
Okay Spidey here goes:
MFL you ignorant slut. You are a dimwiited ignoramus. There is no way the USSR could have beaten us after World War II. For one thing, the quantitative and qualitative superiority the U.S. and the allies had would have assured victory. Additionally, the USSR would have been able to be attacked from the west, east and south simultaneously. Now go way lest I taunt you again.
P.S. And you are a doo doo head.
AussieCasper
“Heres a question for the ages: which mascot is more disturbing, Ronald McDonald or the Burger King “King”?”
Ya, I agree the Burger King guy is more disturbing. Hang, Draw, Quarter and coarsely ground into sausage. Theoretically, you can even be stuffed into your own guts. Now that’s a rather perverse thought. Fries with that anyone.
NMUSpidey
Good One! It’s time for some standardized forms for our repetitive friend.
So Dennis Hastert is both the Hamburglar and MFL?