I hear some private citizens are going to construct their own wall along the Mexican border in the style of the wall the Israelis built to keep crazies from trying to blown them up. I think this is a bad idea. If we have walls like the Israelis, then we’ll be just like them, and I want to worship Jesus. I have a better idea.
A wall of fire!
It would be like one of those eternal flame memorials, except all along the Mexican border and the fire would shoot up 25 feet in the air. And think of the advantages of a wall of flame:
* Can’t be graffitied. Fire burns paint.
* Can’t be scaled. Fire is not only hot, it is not a solid.
* It’ll be really cool looking. Think of all the tourism to see the wall of fire. And it will be great to have barbecues next to.
* Illegal immigrants are much more scared of fire than concrete. There are studies to prove this.
This looks like an awesome idea. Considering the cost, we could build one along the Canadian border too. With all this focus on the Mexicans, let’s not forget those devious canuks. Not even their armies of meese will be able to get past our flames.
Just more outside of the box thinking from your friend Frank J. Hell, I lost my box years ago.
Archive of entries posted on May 2006
Hey, Everybody!
Hope everyone had a great weekend (or a solemn one, if you actually observed the holiday). Anyway, I haven’t been following the news for more than four days, so I have some catching up to do. I saw that Senator Reid got free ringside boxing tickets, though. Man, I want free stuff like that.
Heh. I can just imagine Reid at those boxing matches, rising to his feet and screaming, “Finish him!” That Reid is a badass; you don’t want to mess with him.
BTW, since I found out my video software is so easy to use and YouTube.com gives me free hosting, I may do some more flogging (v-blogging, if you must) in the future. I have my ideas (other than more video of Rowdi swimming). What would you guys want to see?
Memorial Day Non Humor
Seems like honoring the war dead by honoring their last wish, or what one might assume would be their last wish) is a pretty dadgum good idea. Check out the Fallen Heroes Last Wish Foundation
About the Foundation The objective of this foundation is to grant the last wish of the U.S. servicemembers who have been lost in Operation Iraqi Freedom: to provide for their children.
I’m sending them some coin.
This is from the comments.
Those of us who have served, did not do so for the pay-we could make more money digging ditches.
We did not do so for glory-what use is glory to a corpse?
We did not serve because we wanted to kill, the military gets rid of those characters as quickly as possible.
We served because we love our way of life and wanted to assure the same for our children.
Service is an honor, one which all too many of us were spit upon for doing. I support the Fallen Heroes, for it could have been me.
Let’s Make Fun of the Idiots
Withered old hippy Neil Young has penned hisself a 21st century protest song, “Let’s Impeach The President“. Lyrics as follows:
Let’s impeach the president for lying
And leading our country into war
Abusing all the power that we gave him
And shipping all our money out the door
He’s the man who hired all the criminals
The White House shadows who hide behind closed doors
And bend the facts to fit with their new stories
Of why we have to send our men to war
Let’s impeach the president for spying
On citizens inside their own homes
Breaking every law in the country
By tapping our computers and telephones
What if Al Qaeda blew up the levees
Would New Orleans have been safer that way
Sheltered by our government’s protection
Or was someone just not home that day?
Let’s impeach the president
For hijacking our religion and using it to get elected
Dividing our country into colors
And still leaving black people neglected
Thank god he’s cracking down on steroids
Since he sold his old baseball team
There’s lot of people looking at big trouble
But of course the president is clean
Thank God
Inspired by his complete inabilty to master the art of meter & rhyme after 40 years of penning pompous squeals of indignation, I’ve decided to write my own counter-protest song. I just hope it’s clumsy and unsingable enough to become a hit with the tie-dyed intellectuals.
LET’S MAKE FUN OF THE IDIOTS
Let’s make fun of the idiots who’re lying
Trying to make our country lose the war
Abusing all the freedom of speech they have
And shipping the truth right out the door
They’re the men who cheer on the terrorists
The murderers plotting behind closed doors
Leaving out facts to fit their agendas
Forgetting who struck first to start the war.
Let’s make fun of the idiots who say it’s spying
To listen to terrorists because they’re calling from home
To other terrorists outside the country
I guess it’s their right to plan killings over the phone.
They think that George Bush blew up the levees
Poor construction wouldn’t make them fail that way
Don’t point fingers at Ray Nagin’s government
Because he couldn’t find any bus drivers that day
Let’s make fun of the idiots
For smearing Bush just to try to get elected
Campaigning on the politics of color
Yet still leaving black people neglected
It’s sad to see these people stuck on stupid
In this war they’re rooting for the enemy’s team
The New York Times prints state secrets on the front page.
But they say their consciences are still clean
It’s sad.
Hopefully Neil Young will retire soon so that I never have to dirty myself this way again.
My Memorial Day Celebration
R.I.P. Paul Gleason
From The Breakfast Club:
Richard Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
Carl: I wouldn’t count on it.
In Frank’s World – Fan Fiction
Morgnet continues Buck Wild at the UN:
Part 4: UN Security Boogaloo.
Part 5: Fear the ‘Stache! (Caution: some mental imagery may cause permanent damage to your mind’s eye)
Part 6: When Lime Green Ninjas Attack! The Final Chapter
The Order of the Blue Square has a slice of D.C. life:
No, silly, that couldn’t be the president. He always travels with lots of bodyguards and things called ‘motorcades,’ honey.”
“But he looks lost and confused, just like on TV!” she responded.
Think you can write better In My World fan fiction than these drunken monkeys? Prove it, and leave a link in the comments.
Dog Flogging!
Instapundit’s Work Clothes
(A Filthy Lie)
You may have noticed that – from time to time – John Hawkins of Right Wing News will re-post an entry from IMAO in its entirety.
Which is fine with us.
It’s not that we condone plagiarism (we’re NOT the New York Times), but it’s because of the sweet kickbacks he gives us. Usually scotch & hookers.
Except for Frank, who gets paid with sacks of monkey skulls, which he uses to decorate the altar of his Zatoichi shrine.
However, I recently got an e-mail from John, saying that he’d maxed out his tab at Leroy’s House O’ Ho’s, and asked if we’d take an interview with Glenn Reynolds as payment, instead. John’s a good guy, so I said “yes”. I’m just hoping Frank will be too busy working on his In My World book to notice the absence of simian craniums in the mail this week.
Anyway, here’s the interview:
JOHN: I see that you’ve recently taken a stand in favor of professorial nudity. Is that how you normally dress for work yourself?
GLENN: HEAVENS no! Exposing hairy man-boobs is ALWAYS a bad idea, which explains the pathetic sales of Michael Moore’s documentary “Bowling for Fat Guys in Speedos”. However, I will confess that – in the pursuit of pedagogical goals – I have been known to don a costume on occasion.
JOHN: So you’re saying that you dressed as a Catholic priest?
GLENN: I said “pedagogical“! Try using a dictionary for something besides propping up the short leg of the sofa.
JOHN: Actually, that’s what I use “An Army of Davids” for. Anyway, I want to hear more about these costumes of yours.
GLENN: Well, it all started when I was re-evaluating a data study from the Center for Applied Psychological Hermeneutics, which discovered that between 56% and 58% of over 16,000 freshman students at three state universities were…
JOHN: …probably as bored as I am. Can we get to the costumes?
GLENN: You have the attention span of a caffeinated ferret.
JOHN: Still bored, here.
GLENN: Fine. There was this costume:
that I wore for a class called “Civil Suit Alchemy – Turning Pain Into Gold”. Students were told to find grounds to sue Superman.
JOHN: Impossible! He’s the ultimate Boy Scout! He won’t even fly across the street against a red light!
GLENN: True, but with a good expert witness, you can convince a jury that his X-ray vision gave your client cancer.
JOHN: You have no conscience.
GLENN: Lawyer.
JOHN: Touché. So what else have you worn?
GLENN: Same class, next day:
JOHN: So you want to sue elves for making defective Christmas toys?
GLENN: Ya know, a lot of first-year law students make that same mistake. But when you sue, you should always go for the target with the deepest pockets. Thus the title of the lecture: “When In Doubt, Sue Santa”.
JOHN: How do you sleep at night?
GLENN: On a mattress stuffed with contingency fees.
JOHN: Any other costumes?
GLENN: Well, I often wear this one when I discuss Marbury v. Madison during my lecture on the Federal separation of powers:
JOHN: What do penguins have to do with…
GLENN: WHOOPS! How’d THAT one get in there!… Hey! Look at the time. I gotta go!
JOHN: Well, thanks for taking the time to share the cobwebby inner darkness of your soul with us, Glenn.
Join me next week when the Travelocity gnome explains why he’d rather fly a lawn chair into a set of stadium lights than ride with a Kennedy.
It’s not quite the IMAO podcast, but…
I tried to write another script for the IMAO Podcast this week, but there were a few issues the other cast members had…
- Despite illegall immigration being in the news, Harvey didn’t think “Harvey gets deported to Bearded Weirdo Land” was funny. Thought it would be more obvious to deport Cadet Happy to “Lawyerland” like they have in that old Jackson Browne video (“They’ve even got the moon!” “Can we nuke it?”)
- SarahK wasn’t amused by my suggestion that she start “Road Trips With Mr. Shiny” with a stop at the Rayburn Building in DC. (“There’s something wrong with the elevator… maybe if I just bang on the panel a bit…”)
- That Samurai guy kept whacking me in the head with a sword. (“You keep hitting me with the flat of the blade… do you need glasses?”)
- Buck the Marine’s kinda keeping a low profile after “learnin some Iraqis their manners” last Fall. (Damn you, Murtha!)
- Aquaman kept complaining of dry skin and needed moisturizer.
So in the meantime, you can enjoy the sixth Weekly Challenge on the 100 Word Stories Podcast. It is guaranteed to star none of the IMAO Podcasters (No, I am not Planet Z).
The “Movies Are Stupid And Unrealistic” Trivia Challenge
There’s a forwarded e-mail going around that lists various unrealistic events found in popular movies (posted below in the extended entry).
Your mission: name just one specific movie where this actually happens.
Please don’t re-use examples from a previous comment – that just makes you look like one of those chittering hoot-monkeys from the DU who can’t speak unless it’s to regurgitate someone else’s talking point. If you don’t have a different one – or can’t think of an example – just skip it.
If you don’t want to play in the comments, feel free to just post the answers at your own blog and link back here. That way you have plausible deniability when you claim you came up with the answers all by yourself.
Continue reading ‘The “Movies Are Stupid And Unrealistic” Trivia Challenge’ »
24 Day 5 – 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. — the season finale!
Previously on 24, Aaron verbally kicked President Estro in the nads, Estro tried to have Aaron killed, but Marty saved his life by killing his would-be secret service killer. Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Bierko escaped CTU’s transport and threw a nerve-gas canister into a submarine, which just happened to be in an L.A. civilian port being inspected by U.S. navy personnel as a part of the treaty that was signed less than a day earlier, because those treaties work so fast. Bierko took over the sub. To catch Bierko, Robocop was offered a deal, and Jack took him with him to the submarine, though we would all rather have Rico Suave for the op. Turns out, there are 12 warheads on the sub that the terrorists want to use for an attack on the U.S.
Continue reading ‘24 Day 5 – 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. — the season finale!’ »
Won’t get fooled again
Q: How will Congress show defiance in the face of the deadly threat of rogue construction workers in elevator shafts with air hammers?
Hastert Unmasked
Many have been perplexed by Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert making such a fuss about the FBI raid again Democrat William Jefferson. It all seemed to make sense when ABC broke a story that Hastert is under investigation by the FBI. The Department of Justice has denied this, but ABC is sticking to its story and its unnamed sources. This brings us the question: Whom do we believe more? ABC or the Department of Justice?
Well, I for one know which one brings us more quality programming. So, I talked to my own sources – sources I will not name but I promise are really smart and know what they are talking about – and they told me that there is in fact a huge investigation of Hastert underway. My nameless sources also told me exactly what charges the FBI is pursuing, and it is as shocking as my sources are nameless.
Friday Catblogging
Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I’m the only one of them who has the Sixth Sense that allows me to see where blogging and cats converge on the Spiritual Plane.
Anyway, it’s time for Nardo the Hungry:
If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)
You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for “catblogging.”
You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Catsat IMAO for more kitty goodness. There’s also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.
Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.
Anybody I miss?