The American Film Institute is celebrating its 100 year anniversary with a smattering of Top 100 lists, timed for release to the press for maximum irrelevance and overuse by the issue-averse MSM.
Quotes? Scores? Passions? Thrills?
Give me a break.
How about some cool Top 100 Lists?
100. Top 100 “Cigarette Burn” Moments
99. Top 100 Films Where The Earth Is Destroyed
98. Top 100 Key Grips
97. Top 100 Movies Based On Television Shows
96. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses Who Worked Despite An Injury On The Set
95. Top 100 Films That Never Made It To The Theater And Ended Up With Just One Copy In Someone’s Vault For Decades
94. Top 100 Most Impressive Mustaches
93. Top 100 Outrageous Accents
92. Top 100 Shots Of The World Trade Center
91. Top 100 Dogfights
90. Top 100 Characters That Are 180 Degrees Politically From The Person Portraying Them, But They Do It For The Paycheck
89. Top 100 Performances By A Midget
88. Top 100 Decapitations
87. Top 100 Movies Entirely Ruined By Giving Away A Single Spoiler From The Plot
86. Top 100 Smoking Moments With Stars Who Eventually Died From Lung Cancer Or Emphysema
85. Top 100 Scenes Where A Character Has A Bad Experience With Crazy Glue
84. Top 100 Intermissions
83. Top 100 Most Amusing Portrayals Of Zero Gravity
82. Top 100 Drunks
81. Top 100 Great Horror Movies Followed By Crappy Sequels
80. Top 100 Fruit Stands Demolished In Car Chases
79. Top 100 Portrayals Of Executions
78. Top 100 Winces By A Hero While His Wounds Are Treated By A Hot Chick
77. Top 100 Re-enactments Of The United Nations As Something Other Than An Irrelevant Anti-American Dictator’s Wet Dream
76. Top 100 Computer Geeks
75. Top 100 Pimps
74. Top 100 Performances By A Smoke Alarm
73. Top 100 References To What’s Under A Scotsman’s Kilt
72. Top 100 Dramatic Sports Events Ending In A Tie
71. Top 100 Scenes In Elevators Where They Leave Through The Hatch
70. Top 100 Fights Where Someone Breaks A Bottle On A Bar
69. Top 100 Spontaneous Musical Numbers Without Any Explanation Whatsoever
68. Top 100 Lightning Strikes
67. Top 100 Weirdest Uses For Matrix-like Bullet-Time
66. Top 100 Films Where Route 66 Is Featured, But It’s Obviously Not The Real Route 66
65. Top 100 Improper Uses Of A Fire Extinguisher
64. Top 100 Deliberately Altered Product Labels
63. Top 100 Appearances Of The Devil
62. Top 100 Assistants To Mad Scientists
61. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses In Wheelchairs
60. Top 100 Sequences Of Blinking Lights On Machinery
59. Top 100 Sneezes
58. Top 100 Locations Where The Actors Appear To Park Where No Parking Places Actually Exist
57. Top 100 Attempts To Make Vancouver Look Like Another City Because It’s Cheaper To Film In Vancouver
56. Top 100 Things In A Car’s Trunk
55. Top 100 Robots
54. Top 100 Performances By An Actor Or Actress With Their Mouth Full
53. Top 100 Eskimos
52. Top 100 Portrayals Of A Union Laborer As Anything Other Than Unhelpful Or Grouchy
51. Top 100 Coin Tosses
50. Top 100 Performances By A Shadow
49. Top 100 Uses Of A Crutch For Something Other Than Assisting In Walking
48. Top 100 Scenes At A Gas Station
47. Top 100 Tattoos
46. Top 100 Science Fiction Movies Not Based On A Philip K. Dick Novel Or Short Story
45. Top 100 French Maids
44. Top 100 Moments When A Brief Appearance By Batman Probably Could Have Helped Settle Matters A Lot Quicker
43. Top 100 Arrows-Splitting-Arrows-In-The-Bullseye Moments
42. Top 100 Doorbell Chimes
41. Top 100 Comatose Characters
40. Top 100 Uses Of A Musical Instrument By An Actor Or Actress That Can Actually Play The Thing
39. Top 100 Really Obvious Blatant Product Placements
38. Top 100 Trailers Provided To Actors And Actresses During Filming
37. Top 100 Vanity License Plates In Film
36. Top 100 Films Where A Character Is Shown At Different Ages But Different Actors Are Used To “Age” The Character And The Actors Actually Somewhat Resemble Each Other
35. Top 100 Scenes Where A Character Can’t See Because They Lost Or Broke Their Glasses, Or They Lost A Contact Lens
34. Top 100 Flying Cars
33. Top 100 “I’ve never driven a car before/I’ve never had sex before/I’ve never drank beer before” Moment, And They Turn Out To Be Great At It
32. Top 100 Marathons Where Someone Other Than A Kenyan Or Tanzanian Wins
31. Top 100 Really Big Afros
30. Top 100 Funny Moments That Aren’t Really Funny 20 Years Later When Nobody Gets The Reference
29. Top 100 Strategic Placements Of Bubbles In A Bathtub
28. Top 100 Makeup Artists Who Used Nothing Other Than A Felt-Tipped Marker And A Meat Tenderizer
27. Top 100 Arrests On The Set
26. Top 100 Cooking Performances By An Actress Who Has Probably Never Used A Kitchen In Her Life
25. Top 100 Performances By A Dog
24. Top 100 Fades To Black
23. Top 100 Reviews By Film Critics
22. Top 100 Stunt Performances By Midgets In Place Of A Child Star
21. Top 100 Movies That Start Off Really Good But Totally Lose It At Some Point
20. Top 100 Uses Of A Waterslide To Simulate Careening Through Caverns Or Down A Hill
19. Top 100 Jibber Jabber That Passes For A Foreign Language
18. Top 100 Sources For Really, Really Good Drugs
17. Top 100 Portrayals Of A Historical Figure By Someone Who Looks And Sounds Nothing Like Them
16. Top 100 Most Impressive Reactions To Briefcases Containing A Lot Of Money Being Opened
15. Top 100 Epic Journeys Summarized By A Montage
14. Top 100 Announcements Run In the Theater To Remind People To Silence Their Cell Phones
13. Top 100 Ending Credits
12. Top 100 Performances By A Ninja
11. Top 100 Incredibly Dramatic Crossings Of An International Border
10. Top 100 Dramatic References To The 555 Telephone Exchange
9. Top 100 Movies Where It Was All Just A Dream
8. Top 100 Balcony Views
7. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses Who Died During Filming
6. Top 100 Earthquakes Or Space Vehicle Flight Disruptions Where Just The Camera Shakes And The Actors Stumble Around
5. Top 100 Performances By A Really, Really Fat Person
4. Top 100 Portrayals of Nazis
3. Top 100 Transformations Into Werewolves Or Aliens
2. Top 100 Shots Of An Actress’ Bare Back, But You Never See Her Tatas
1. Top 100 Countdowns On An Explosive Device
Damn. What can you say after a post like that?
I take my hat off to you, Laurence Simon.
{applause}
You can say that someone has a little too much idle time.
What about “The Top 100 Dogs With Shifty Eyes” or “The Top 100 Actors and/or Actresses That Play the SAME Character ALL the Time”
Good ones. Perhaps . . .
“Top 100 Films With the Most Obvious Political Messages of All Time.”
“Top 100 Near-death, Kind-of-death, Thought-he-was-dead-but-tricked-you, and We-really-had-you-going-there-didn’t-we Deaths.”
“Top 100 Roundhouse Punches That You Could Never Pull Off in Real Life”
“Top 100 Explosions in Space You Never Should Have Heard”
How about “Top 100 Nude Scenes That Should Never Have Happened”
Top 100 Gastric Illnesses, anyone?
Top 100 kung-fu movies that Quentin Tarantino hasn’t ripped off yet.
Top 100 sequels that don’t have any of the original cast members.
Top 100 teenager movies where the actors are under 20 years old.
LOL! I worked with & was a member of an entertainment union for several years (IATSE- Int’l Alliance of Theater & Stage Employees), and I truly believe their motto ought to be “That’s not my job.”
Congratulations, unions. Thanks to their strong-arm robbery of American industry, it truly is “not your job” any more. Or mine, for that matter. It’s been out-sourced to other peoples & nations because “organized labor” is just another name for extortion.
The funniest thing was, is that I actually had some die-hard union fool ask me if I was a communist before I joined… folly of youth on my part for thinking that they weren’t. It’s like asking a hippie if they were against the use of marijuana…
I never totally paid the union dues because I felr dirty enough already. Unions like to think that they are responsible for making America what it is today. Riiiighht. In my arrogant opinion, Unions do for America now what hitler did for Jews.
Bravo Master Simon, Bravo
How about the top 100 films that showed the World Trade Towers before those raghead murderers brought them down. Sorry for the buzz kill.
In college, I worked summer relief in a Union punch press factory making brass plumbing fittings. One of the things I learned was what Unions could do if they actually focussed on what mattered to their members.
The union had struck about 10 years before I worked there demanding only safety improvements. The difference was amazing. One glance at the hands of the workers and you could tell whether they were hired before or after the strike. If they had 10 fingers, they were hired after the strike, 9 or less fingers pre-strike.
The unfortunate fact is that this experience appears to be the big exception to the horrible rule of how unions operate.
Sorry bout that just saw #10. I shall never doubt you again Laurence Simon!
er, would you believe #92?
19. Top 100 Jibber Jabber That Passes For A Foreign Language
Team America has to be #1 on that list.
/Durka?
//Durka, durka durka durka jihad.
///Ahhh, durka durka durka!
Lair – I’m impressed by the fact that you typed the words “Top 100” one hundred times 🙂
Probably used cut and paste. 🙂
Didn’t AFI have their top 100 stuff a couple years ago?
On unions – my experience at Cape Canaveral was that the guys were great and would do just about anything except risk getting a grevience filed, which of course, there was one guy in every shop who would do that, so everybody was really conservative about what they did.
Top 100 Films where a stupid actor played someone smart…er…um…guess we may have to expand past 100 here.
How about the “Top 100 ‘Top 100 Lists’ That Could Have Been Much Better Summarized By A Top Ten List”?
Combine 40. Top 100 Uses Of A Musical Instrument By An Actor Or Actress That Can Actually Play The Thing. 49. Top 100 Uses Of A Crutch For Something Other Than Assisting In Walking and you’d cover the top 100 weird things used for props in porno miovies.
Er, not that I’ve ever seen a prono film, but friends have told me aboot them.
Good stuff!
Top 100 Performances by a Moose (moose bites can be pretty nasti).
Damn, that was a classic!!!! Wonderful Job Lair!
Although a masterful job Mr. Simon, me thinks thou hast way too much time on thy hands.
Top 100 moments where a character in the dark is startled by a noise made by some foraging animal (or Michael Moore)
Although I did like “Top 100 moments where someone said they had never done something before and wound up doing it perfectly” (or however you said it). Like in Titanic, where Kate Winslet had never used an axe, yet made a perfect strike to chop a pair of handcuffs in two.
Oooh,…
Top 100 fight scenes where the good guy is getting absolutely rocked by the bad guy and is on the verge of death but manages to muster up enough strength to land one punch that knocks the bad guy cold.
Top 100 things said just moments a grizzly death.
We can start with the obvious like.
Oh Crap!!!
Ahhhhhhhhh!!
AHHHHHHHHH!
Look Out!
It’s not going to fall on me!
What’s that!
Alligators?
Al!
Could you repeat that? And stop screaming gibberish at me.
You have got to be the stupidest N-word I have ever met.
Look, I can fly!!!
Oh, I know a quicker way to unclog that.
Wha??
Was the ride supposed to do that?
Suck all the smoke through the bong and hold your breath as long as possible.
It was your stupid idea to hide in the refrigerator.
Hay, I’ve got one of those old sets of lawn darts they banned way back in the 70’s.
I don’t know if there are enough hand holds on that rock face.
Damn! That’s a long way down.
I know it will support my weight.
Your other left, you idiot!
Damn!
Mmmm! Fugu Fish
I dare you! Oh, I double dare you!!
What do you have against Americans???
I WANT MY MOMMY!
What’s that button for!
Ops!
Rats, That is:
Top 100 things said just moments before a grizzly death.