How many boards can you punch through? How about block of ice? When was the last time you roundhouse kicked someone in the head? Have you ever even been in a battle to the death?
You probably don’t even want to answer those question because of the shame it would bring to fess up on how weak your kung fu is, but you are not alone. Kung fu has been in a decline in America since the 60s, and, all that time, crime, drug use, and wussiness have been on the rise. Why, if I graphed America’s strength in kung fu versus societal ills, there would be a line that… uh…
I really have to learn Excel. Anyway, it would be a disturbing graph, and you’d gasp to see it. There probably isn’t one problem in this country that doesn’t have some relation to our weakening kung fu.
Most people just like to ignore the problem, but let me give you this fact: there is a one in forty chance you will be attacked by a ninja today. So what are you going to do? Call the police? Here another fact: a ninja can kill someone weak in kung fu in an average of 30 seconds while police response time is an average of 40 seconds – longer if the police themselves have weak kung fu.
Are you scared yet? Of course you are; you’re weak in kung fu and probably scared of everything. So what to do?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR KUNG FU STRONG
* When you’re mad, punch holes in things. Start simple like drywall, and try to build up to punching through buildings.
* Instead of leaf blower, clear your lawn of leaves using just the wind from your kick.
* Next time you’re in an argument, make sure it escalates to a fight. If you can keep the fighting going until your battling on a rooftop (or, better yet, a mountain top) all the better.
* When you pass someone on the street you don’t know or care about, knock him down with a swift palm strike. Keep a journal handy to record your progress on how far back you send people flying.
* Do breathing exercises.
And don’t forget about the next generation. When you feed your kids, only make one meal and let them fight for it.
Remember: Only you can prevent weak kung fu.
This public service announcement from your friends at IMAO is in compliance with item 5.04.2A of the Keep America’s Kung Fu Strong Act.
What’s even worse is that other countries are experiencing a surge in ninja interests! What are we going to do about this? Screw math scores, I demand ninja training!
Oh, and first.
There hasn’t been a fu-related crisis like this since the advent of chainsaw-fu in the 70’s.
What’s been lost in all of this is: the reason we tolerate monkey-faced liberals in this country is to have someone to practice kung-fu skills on. You guys OK with throwing stars?
I’m considering putting my son in martial arts lessons. Does Tae Kwan Do increase one’s kung-fu?
Tae Kwan Do is to martial arts as coach pitch baseball is to tee ball. It is near the bottom of the martial arts realm. There is Tae Bo then Tae Kwan Do. It progresses up the ladder to where Kung Fu is near the top. The ultimate style is to have no style. To be like water, my friend.
If that doesn’t work, just shoot the creepy dudes in black jumpsuits.
Ninja are still no match for the mystic blade in the hands of a “mad wolf” (see “Shogun’s Assasin”).
Be honorable, fellow ronin…and remember to clense the blade after striking down every liberal…monkey blood is more corosive to a blade of honor than normal.
Kung fu was a seventies phenomenon. There was no kung fu in the sixties. I know. I was there.
I also proudly lay claim to the title of worst muay thai fighter in the world. Nobody who has ever seen me fight or even train would disagree with that claim.
Be still like the water and listen for the sound of the mighty rock as it breaks upon the winds of the four corners of the chi grashopper… There’s all the kung fu you will ever need to know…then just kick ’em in the nads…
At least we have Chuck Norris.
America’s toy industry fills the gap again! for those of you too cheap or lazy for actual martial arts training!
http://www.thinkwaytoys.com/ourtoys/mag.htm
There is a certain truth to this. What Nuke the Moon is to the national scale, breaking impressive things randomly with your bare hands is on the personal scale.
When America learns to accept the fact that it can be peaceful while still being capable of extreme violence at a moment’s notice, we will be able to teach our enemies despair.
Just don’t be an old-fashioned ninja. Being able to kill people instantly with your bare hands, shuriken, swords, and knives is awesome and all, but guns have their place. Especially because of their superior range and accuracy compared to archaic weapons.
Don;t forget we have Joe Foo’, too.
But do forget tofu.
Ninja schminja
The Strange Practices of the Naga sect of Indian Sadhus
How much weight can you lift with your schlong?
I don’t know karate, but I do know Ka-razy!
Kung Fu Strong!!
Concrete block.
HEEEYAAAH!!!
SMACK..
(whimper)
Point taken.
Moneyman, right on. TKD is a nice sport. Not a fighting art.
“TKD is a nice sport. Not a fighting art.”
Kinda like foxy boxing.
Can’t wait to do some serious martial arts against the “camel humpers” where I saw a video of them training by breaking cardboard! Ok…Akmed…break this…
Ju Jutsu is the way to go. Something for everyone. If you like to grapple(I don’t, but some folks are nuts), you have Brazilian Ju Jutsu. If you’re looking for self-defense, look no farther.
“a ninja can kill someone weak in kung fu in an average of 30 seconds while police response time is an average of 40 seconds – longer if the police themselves have weak kung fu”
30 seconds? We train to defend against 3+ attackers(armed and unarmed) and be walking away in 30 seconds.
**** shameless plug ****
Anyone living in or near Brooklyn, NY, and interested in learning some really cool self-defense, shoot me an email or go here.
🙂
Russ
OK. That link didn’t work. You can paste it from here: http://www.fujiryu.com
Russ
Grasshopper, the deadly art of Moo Goo Gai Pan is quickly eclipsing all other forms of martial arts. Until the liberals actually experience their testicles dropping out of their body cavity, it is permissible to practice the time-honored tradition of the “bitch slap” on them. Do I hafta wear Hai Karate too?
My only martial art skill (so far) is the rediscovered art of medieval sword fighting. Since it fell out of practice with modern warfare, it basically has to be reinvented based on old manuals from various masters. It’s interesting to reconnect with the original warfare methods done in our own ancestry. Then again, it’s not very handy if mugged on the train unless you happen to have a two-handed sword in your work bag. (Not completely useless, though – some moves are for wrestling the opponent into unconsciousness while still holding a huge sword in one hand.)
While you are practicing your fine arts of “open hand” and “feet and hand striking” and all that, I will calmly pull out my Colt 357 Magnum Revolver and Shoot your Ass!!! Then there you will be…
ussjimmycarter,
Since I live on the left coast, carrying my 357 mag (Ruger) is a no-no. Hence the kung fu, actually Chu’an Fa. But we also learn weapons, so at least I can pick up something handy and whack ’em with it. I like sharp pointy things, too!
TO: Frank J
RE: The Frank J Challenge?
Com’on a my house;
a myyyy house.
I gonna fix you caaaaandy?
Either that or you clock.
Regards,
Chuck(le)