As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain’s first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn’t mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:
- Australia is sometimes referred to as the “island continent”. This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting “career”.
- Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.
- Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.
- The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.
- Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.
- It’s also known for its many sheep mining operations.
- The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.
- Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.
- The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an “Air America” broadcast day.
- The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.
- Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.
- Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn’t be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.
- Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don’t make any sudden moves – just give him your wallet and hope he doesn’t hurt you.
- Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don’t own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.
- A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.
- Ayers’ Rock is an incredibly huge rock that… well… it… um… that is… er… uh… anyway, it’s really big, so don’t make it angry.
- But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they’ll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!
Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?
FIRST!
Good Post and good luck with that can nose thing.
Can in the sinus cavity? It could’ve been much, MUCH worse.
I think that I still have a mid-1970s issue of National Lampoon with a theme of “undesirable foreigners” or something like that. It described Australians as “violent alcoholic roughnecks whose idea of a good time is puking on your car”, or words to that effect. It also included an unbelievably crude joke as an example of Australian humor. Out of regard for the tender sensibilities of SarahK, I’m not going to repeat it here.
Love Australians, though; even the women are nice and friendly.
Oh, and koalas aren’t bears.
You forgot their fine drinking songs about philosophers!
Harvey, you kept repeating “penal”. Is there a reason for that, or is it just a misspelling?
Ya also fergot rules 1,3,5,7 and 9, Bruce…no poofters!
Bilbo – Apparently I have a fixation of some sort. Most likely wholy unrelated to my cigar-smoking habit.
I have an Australian friend over here on a work Visa. He keeps telling me “we dont’ do it like that in Australia”. I keep telling him we don’t much care what you do in Australia, we are American’s matie…if you don’t like it we will send in our military to kick your asses, we’ll take all your money and your women and their you will be! He doesn’t seem to appreciate my humor…
American humor is too subtle for most people. For example, we named an attack sub “USS Jimmy Carter”. The joke is lost on 99 percent of the world’s population.
As an aussie I wish to thank you for staying true to who we are as a people. I’d like to compensate you for your fine work, but I’m all out of Victoria Bitter…
and koalas smell really bad as well… (like hippies!)
ussjimmycarter,
No, the humor isn’t lost at all. In fact here’s one made up by an ex-seal, ex-ranger and an ex-Air Force black-ops machinest (myself the latter) a couple years ago:
Have you heard about the new carrier, the USS Bill Clinton?
*It was paid for by China
*It only steers to the left.
*It’s manned by a Navy of one.
*Secrets are transported in the XO’s underware (sorry, like I said before, I’m USAF).
*Don’t ask, don’t tell…just worry when the lights go out!
*It carries no external armament; it’s sole defense is to appologise to the enemy.
*It’s main deck is painted like a blue dress upon which all the seamen gather.
Australia? That’s the one without the Nazis, right?
Very funny, indeed! I also love the idea of an “attack” submarine named after the hapless peanut farmer Georgia!
You done good Harvey. Thanx.
As to the inserted item. Pull tab and suck or pull tab and dribble depending on orientation. Deflate and remove.
First, I’m not seeing the problem with the can of beer in the sinus cavity. Seems convenient, while leaving hands free to smack monkey-faced liberals.
Second, thanks for pointing out that tip about the dingos. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s mistaken a wild dog for a snack cake.
Being an Australian, I find the Australian sense of humor to be quite broad, it can be very subtle or very overt at times. In fact I think it the hardest thing people who immigrate here have the hardest time adapting to.
Mate, you also forgot the country is full of dangerous animals ready to kill, maim, bite, scratch or eat any one who looks at them funny.
BTW I’ve seen Howards throne and while impressive looks a little uncomfortable. Terrorists skulls often have holes in them that leave jagged edges.