What should ronin be?
Archive of entries posted on 1st June 2006
Carnival Of Comedy IS Up
Remulak MoxArgon has the current carnival of comedy posted!
There’s too much comedy for normal people. So I know you’ll love it!
Want to host? Tell someone who cares!
spacemonkey = at = imao.us
Okay, I Give Up
What is this? I keep getting spam comments like this to old posts:
Name: Courtney Gidts
Email Address: eastcoast@microsoft.com
URL:
Comments:
I’ve managed to save up roughly $70517 in my bank account, but I’m not sure if I should buy a house or not. Do you think the market is stable or do you think that home prices will decrease by a lot?
The number changes each time, both most everything else stays the same. Now, this doesn’t seem to be selling anything, so I can only conclude that the numbers put in the dollar amount is some sort of code the terrorists are using to communicate. Can anyone crack this?
Top Ten Concerns Of A Parent Of A Three-Armed Baby
TOP FIVE DRAWBACKS A PARENT HAS WITH A THREE-ARMED BABY:
5. Risk of thumb-sucking increases by 50%.
4. Pattycake reduced to chaotic slapping frenzy.
3. Roger Ebert fears layoff because of three-thumbs-up competition, want kid rubbed out.
2. I hope you know how to sew, because there is no such thing as Freak Baby Gap.
1. You just know that his uncle’s going to teach him to give three fingers at once.
TOP FIVE BENEFITS OF HAVING A THREE-ARMED BABY:
5. Kid can count to 15 when others have to take off their shoes or pants to get to 11.
4. Pad, keyboard, and mouse… this kid’s going to be a Quake champ.
3. Putting him a freak show will be a big blow to his self-esteem, but college ain’t cheap, boy.
2. There’s no way Michael Jackson would want to pound his ass. No way in Hell.
1. If this turns out to be the return of Jesus Christ, they can nail him to a cross and he can still pull out a cell phone to call for help.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now with Lesbians
- Iran will talk, but they say they won’t give up their “nuclear rights.” What? First, it was a “right” to free healthcare and now it’s a “right” to nuclear missiles. Stupid liberals. They’re going to get us all nuked and then we’ll have to wait two weeks for a doctor to see us about our horrible radioactive mutations.
But it will be “free.” - Speaking of nukes, North Korea wants to talk to us still, but no one cares. Come on, Norks, you’re a bunch of starving people without oil who may have a couple nukes which, if the wind helps, might reach Seoul. You’re just not a priority right now. Stand in line, and we’ll worry about you after we knock down a few other problems first.
- Some Marines may have massacred civilians at Haditha, so now everyone is getting “values training.” Oy. I had the “Don’t Indiscriminately Kill Children” training at work, and it was really boring. I completely zoned out after about ten minutes of it. I didn’t get a thing out of it, and, if you asked me when it’s appropriate to open fire on children, I honestly don’t know.
And don’t care. - BTW, just a point of order on some terminology for the Marines in the audience (you there, Joe foo’?). Now, if you say someone is a Marine, I assume he’s either active duty or in the reserves. So, is the term for a retired Marine “former Marine”? And the term for Murtha would be “ex-Marine,” right?
- A double-amputee Iraq-war vet is suing Michael Moore for using a clip of him in Fahrenheit 9/11 to make him look anti-war when he isn’t (I can just hear liberal now saying, “Of course he’s pro-war… now. He lost two arms so he knows they won’t send him back. Chickenhawk!”). This may wound Moore, but I think what really needs to be done is a class-action lawsuit against Moore for being so fat and ugly. Is there anyone nearly as fat and ugly as Moore that we’re forced to see so much on TV and in the news? I know it’s caused me mental duress.
Yes, and now I can hear some liberals saying, “You’re just focusing on his appearance to dodge having to deal with the salient issues he brings up!” And you’re dodging the issue that he’s fat and ugly, which I know you have no defense against. - Senator Harry Reid says he will no longer take free boxing tickets. Thus, the world is once again safe for democracy. I’m sorry, but it was just hard for me to care about this issue. When I was less-disillusioned and more partisan, if I heard that Sen. Reid accepted free ringside seats to boxing matches from a Nevada agency trying to influence him on federal boxing legislation, my first reaction would have been, “STONE HIM!!!” This time, it was, “So, were the fights any good?”
- BTW, one thing I like about boxing is that it’s the purest of sports. The game is simply to hit the other guy over and over until he stops trying to get up.
But, if there is no knockout, then it goes to the judges and becomes no more of sport than figure skating. I’m sorry, if you need a panel to tell you who won, then that is not a sport. And you know the French judge is going to give both the boxers low scores since he finds violence so abhorrent. Someone should punch him. - Kos has picked who he thinks will be the GOP’s strongest candidate for 2008: Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. Memorial services for Huckabee will be held at 3pm today.
- Why do we pay Kos any attention? Not only is he a despicable human being, he’s yet to successfully help any candidate win office. He may have a lot of fringe nuts behind him, but they’re still fringe nuts. Yes, the Democrats do pay him attention as his approval does mean fund-raising, but how long can they tell him they like him while patting him on the head with a ten foot poll before he freaks out on them?
- Batwoman is now going to be a lesbian. I’m not a comic reader, so I’m not sure how big a deal it is for there to be gay superheroes. I mean, Aquaman has been around since the 40’s. Still, I guess the controversy is they’re taking an established character and now making her gay. What’s next? Gay Superman? The Amazingly Queer Spiderman? A scandal at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters where boys say that Charles Xavier had been touching them with his mind… inappropriately?
Of course, with all those flamboyant costumes, I bet a lot of people already assumed most superheroes are gay. - BTW, I sent out a newsletter last night which everyone who signed up should have gotten this morning. Yeah, I’m still doing that. It’s not yet another thing in the graveyard of abandoned Frank J. ideas.
- And, as I pimped it in the newsletter, I’m going to pimp it again now since I’m hoping they’ll publish me: Jim Baen’s Universe, the new SF magazine premiers today. I’ve only had a chance so far to read one thing on it which was an article about an SF writer’s attempts to get his stories to film without the studio execs butchering everything (especially the science part of science fiction). It was pretty funny while giving one a good look into why studios put out so much crap these days.
Then again, you give me a movie with Wolverine running around cutting people and I’m entertained.
So, if you like stories and cool articles, check out Jim Baen’s Universe (there’s plenty to view for free):
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
Baen has been giving out lots of reading material for free on the internet for some time. It’s sort of a drug-dealer model: first sample is free, and then you have to pay for it. It worked on my brother, the poor SF reading foo’.
He’s a Marine — neither former nor ex.
And a geek.
Give me coffee, yo, java, cup of joe…
Juan Valdez, the face of Columbian coffee for a generation, is retiring:
Colombia’s coffee ambassador to the world, Carlos Sanchez, 71, is quitting the role of Juan Valdez. And the national federation of Colombian coffee producers is searching for a man to inherit his poncho — and trusty mule, Conchita.
Sanchez has promoted Colombian coffee since 1969 with a leather bag, bushy mustache and straw hat typical of rural Colombia. He inherited the role from Jose Duval, a Cuban, who became the first Juan Valdez in 1959.
“I feel like a flag. I feel like I’ve represented the country,” Sanchez said Tuesday, struggling to hold back tears. “There is a big sense of gratitude from Colombians abroad for this.”
Juan Valdez III will be announced by June 30.
If you can’t wait until then…
Today’s Question
Maybe, for more traffic, I need more reader interaction to act like I care about you people. So here is a question for everyone: What are some fun things to set on fire?
Here’s what I like buring:
* Action figures
* Things insured for more than they are currently worth
* Bridges
* Monkeys
* Fire wood
What do you like to set on fire?
Where Did the Readers Go?
Traffic is down this week, and I blame you, the readers. I’m pretty sure I’m still funny, so it has to be you guys who are doing wrong. Did you all take extended vacations or something?
Anyway, IMAO needs to bring in more traffic. What do you think we can do… other than be funnier and write more, ’cause we ain’t doing that. I was thinking a new contest, but let’s see if any of you pathetic excuses for readers have ideas.