I just got this email from someone named ‘FIAR’
Just reminding you to post a Comedy reminder on IMAO. Submissions Due
by 11:59pm tonight. Will be hosted at Radioactive Liberty tomorrow.
http://radioactiveliberty.com/
~FIAR
Not sure what it means but you can go here, or here if you can figure this cryptic message out.
It’s like a code, the Da Finchi code!
Ann Coulter may scare Frank J., but you have to admit, the woman IS right. About everything. More right than Rush Limbaugh, More right than Newt Gingrich and waaaaaaay,( should that be caps?, yes, it should) WAAAAAAAY, more right than W.
So far right, in fact, that it’s nearly impossible to get anywhere to the right of her. But I think it’s the duty of each of us IMAO conservatives make an effort to do just that. So, I am throwing down the gauntlet.
GET RIGHT OF COULTER OR GET LEFT!
We need to make her look moderate by comparision.
My first contribution. We need to get rid of the electric chair and lethal injection as a means of capital punishment. “But, but, but, but, Mr Monkey, you’re talking about ending the death penalty! How’s that left of Coulter, your confusing me!”, you might be saying at this point, But you could not be further from the truth than if you’d loaned the truth some money. Lethal injection and the electric chair could be considered cruel and unusual by some. It’s definitely cruel, and you don’t hardly ever hear about people accidentaly strapping themseves to a bed or a chair or any other type of furniture and dying an electrical or drug induced death.
No thats what makes them unusual to some people. Who has a cross shaped bed at home anyway? Besides maybe Bono. The death penalty for people who’ve been convicted of capital crimes should be restricted to purposefully infecting them with deadly diseases, more than one disease is good, as soon as they are convicted. And then not treat them for those diseases.
We let God’s will or survival of the fittest, if you swing that way, be the appeals process. If they get well? They don’t die! Otherwise, life, albeit a short miserable life ending in death in prison. Either way it’s a life sentence. So, in a way my plan does eliminate the death penalty. It changes the options from life or death to life or short, miserable, diseased life with the (slight) possibily of immunity.
People die from untreated diseases all the time, all over the world. Is it cruel? Sure, you bet, giving people deadly diseases is probably as cruel as murder is heinous. But it’s not cruel AND unusual. And THAT’S what makes it constitutional.
And it also makes me righter than Coulter.
It looks like the War On Illegal Immigration has a new recruit, and his name is Elvis P.:
“Police! Policia! Police!” yelled Daniel Monico, a deportation officer, holding his badge to a window where someone had pulled back the curtain. “Open the door!”
Moments later, agents led a dazed-looking Jose Ferreira Da Silva, 35, out in handcuffs. The Brazilian had been arrested in 2002 and deported, but had slipped back into the country. He now faces up to 20 years in prison.
In a blitz that began May 26, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement has arrested nearly 2,100 illegal immigrants across the country. Officials said the raids are aimed at child molesters, gang members and other violent criminals, as well as people like Da Silva who sneaked back into the country after a judge threw them out.
The crackdown is called Operation Return to Sender.
“This sends a message,” said Monico, standing outside the gray Victorian apartment where Da Silva had been hiding. “When we deport you, we’re serious.”
Because the Operation was a success, the government is turning to enlist more Elvis songs in its never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way!
Who wants another story bit by bit?
Don’t bother answering; I’m going to do it anyway. Superego seemed to be a success, so I think I’ll give it another try. Currently, I have to wait until September or October to hear if my short story “No Good Deed” will appear in Jim Baen’s Universe, and I want to hone my skill a bit more before I attempt a full novel, so I’m going to start another story here on IMAO you’ll get in small increments daily.
No, it won’t affect my regular humor blogging, and the first person who complains about its existence rather than just scrolling past it gets beaten to death with his own monitor (actually, I can’t remember if anyone complained about Superego… but I know you complainers are out there just waiting for something to complain about).
BTW, have you subscribed to Jim Baen’s Universe’s yet?
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush’s visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.
Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:
“In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world’s worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]”
Being a so-called “writer” myself, I just hate to see writer’s block cramping someone’s style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.
So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:
… nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that’s just on his ranch:
… nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global… something. It’s hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.
… nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don’t see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I’ve proven my point.
… nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn’t happen.
… nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That’s just CRAZY! It’s like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.
… nearly 3000 hurricanes – each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT – which have slammed into the coastal United States – killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens – while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush’s oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.
… BUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!1!
… nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.
… nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator’s natural prey – poodles.
… nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.
… nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.
By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.
But she’s in the news now and John Hawkins has an interview (I’m pretty sure I made that global warming joke before…).
“Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki!”
Nuri jumped from his desk. “What? Who is it?” He saw the smiling face of President Bush. “What are you doing here in Baghdad?”
“I came to support your burgeoning democracy!”
“Oh. Well, I guess you can…”
Bush picked up a knife. “What’s this?”
“That’s my letter opener! Be care…”
Bush swung it around and cut a hole in the wall. “Whoops. I’ll put it down.”
“Good because…”
Bush picked up something else. “What’s this?”
“That’s an expensive vase! Be very…”
The vase fell and shattered on the floor. “Uh-oh; I done broke it.”
Nuri tried to keep his fists from clenching. “That’s okay. Just don’t…”
“What’s this?”
“That’s my ‘World’s Best Prime Minister Mug.’ Hand it over!” Nuri reach to grab it, but Bush accidentally tilted it over, pouring scalding hot coffee onto Nuri’s groin. “Aieee! You idiot! Stop touching things!”
Bush hung is head. “I just came to support your democracy and you yelled at me.”
“I’m sorry. Why don’t you go sit over by the window and quietly support democracy while I get a towel.”
“Okay.” Bush sat down. He looked out the window. “Oh no! I see someone… and I think he’s an Arab. He might even be a Muslim! He could be here to attack us!” He paused for a moment as he watched. “There’s a whole army of them out on the Baghdad streets!”
“Idiot!” Nuri shouted, “Most of the population is…” Nuri paused and thought for a moment. “Hey, they might be suicide bombers. You better go stand out front of the building and check on them.”
“I’ll check on them good!” Bush ran out of the office.
Nuri found a towel in a cabinet. “Idiot. Ah, but I dream of the day our democracy will be so strong that we can elect someone as dumb as him.”
As Bush got out onto the street, he spotted a Marine. “Is that you, Buck?”
“Yes, Mr. President sir. It is I, Buck – Buck the Marine, that is. I have some time off, so I thought I’d spend it in Baghdad where I get shot at less than my usual locations.”
“Well, I’m looking for Muslim terrorists, so you can help me.”
“Yes, sir. I must warn you, though, the commanders have gotten really pissy about us killing civilians, so we have to be careful.”
“I’ll be careful.” Bush watched the crowd of people in front of them. “We need to check out these people to see if they are terrorists. A lot of there people look Arab… but I sometime get them confused with Latinos. If they’re Latino, don’t question them too much because I don’t want to hurt the Latino vote by exposing illegal aliens. But, whatever you do, don’t call it ‘amnesty.'”
Buck furrowed his brow. “Uh… I don’t think there are many Latinos here… outside of U.S. forces, that is.”
“Don’t ask don’t tell.” Bush spotted one man walking by. “Grab him!”
Buck grabbed the Iraqi and put him in a headlock.
“Who are you?” Bush demanded.
“I am but a simple apple vendor.”
“Buck! Check him for bombs to see if he’s a terrorist. If he is, beat him up!”
Buck patted down the Iraqi. “He’s clean.”
“Then check his voter registration card to see if he’s a Democrat. If he is, beat him up!”
Buck let the man go. “I don’t think there are Democrats in Iraq.”
“Really? Then we’re making more progress than I thought.” Bush’s cell phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket. “You’re speaking to the most powerful man in the world… Hey, Snowman… Good economic news? Oh no! Make sure the press doesn’t find out about it… Because they always spin it to make it sound bad, stupid. By the way, did you hear how I’m in Baghdad? …Really? It made the papers? I can’t believe I made the newspapers again. Make sure to cut out any article in any paper that mentions me so I can see… I don’t care if it takes all day. Do it!” Bush hung up and looked to Buck. “That was Tony Snow. His job is to make sure the press knows I’m smart and in charge. He was on FOX News.”
“I like FOX News.”
“Me too!”
A man ran up to Bush and Buck. He pulled open his coat revealing a bomb strapped to him. In his right hand he held a detonator. “When I heard you were here, I rushed over to kill you! I will be the greatest martyr ever!”
“Oh no! A human bomb!” Bush shouted. “I don’t know how to defuse those.”
“I do.” Buck pulled out a .45 and shot the terrorist in the head. The terrorist fell dead to the dusty street.
“Yay!” Bush exclaimed. “We defeated terrorism thanks to my leadership!”
Some American press rushed to the scene. “Due to Bush’s low approval rating, people are now trying to blow him up.” The reporter looked to Bush. “I notice your lack body armor. Is this because you aren’t properly funding our civilian-murdering troops?”
“The armor was bulky and I didn’t want to wear it. You can’t tell me what to wear!” Bush punched the reporter, knocking him to ground and started kicking him. “I only wear what I want, so you shut up!” After a minute, he stopped and turned to Buck. “I can only kick a reporter for so long before I get bored. Want to go find Zarqawi’s body and wander the streets with him pretending he’s alive like on Weekend at Bernie’s?”
Buck shrugged his shoulders. “I’m on leave; why not.”
There’s now this big kerfuffle over what appears to be a Marine singing about Iraqis getting killed. The media makes it sound like he was singing a song that went, “Kill Iraqi children! Kill Iraqis children!” when the song actually talks about the children getting killed by insurgents and the Marine just directly killing those shooting at him. It might be a little inappropriate, but I can’t believe this is getting national attention and CAIR’s panties in a bunch.
Hey, when Marines are put in such stressful situations as the current conflict, it is inevitable that they will sing songs. If punishment must be doled out for singing, then it should go all the way to the top to the one really responsible: Bush. It’s his illegal war that caused this singing, and he must be held accountable.
Well, the Meow Mix House Meowcams seem to be running now, and I’m watching Romeo (he has thumbs!) stare at a bowl of food for longer than an hour.
