Back when I was in college in Pittsburgh, I helped a Republican (Timothy Holloway) campaign against Murtha in 1998. It was at the urging of my roommate who actually lived in Murtha’s district (at the time he got a letter published in a local paper about how Murtha wasn’t really a friend to the military). I went door to door campaigning for Holloway one day with some other college Republicans… except, when we split into groups, I ended up paired with Holloway himself so there wasn’t much reason for me to say anything. Holloway only got a bit over 30% of the vote, though… well, that’s why they set up the districts the way they do.
Now Murtha’s opponent this year, Diana Irey, is getting a lot of national attention since everyone (not just me and my roommate who’s now in the Navy) knows Murtha is a kook and not a friend of the military. Irey should get a lot more money than Holloway did and districts in Pennsylvania are different than they were back in ’98, so maybe she has a chance. And, if Murtha is defeated this year, remember it was only because your friend Frank J. helped weaken him.
Archive of entries posted on 19th June 2006
Whittler Alert
After not posting anything since January, Bill Whittle posted on Friday and then again yesterday. That’s a post extravaganza for him.
That reminds me: I need to get my book out. I want all your money so bad I can almost taste it…
Anchor In The Wind
Connie Chung sung Thanks For The Memories to finish off the slow-motion trainwreck that was her weekend show with shlock-peddler husband Maury Povich on one of NBC’s ramshackle cable outlets.
A long time ago when she was booted from CBS, I came up with this tune:
Goodbye Connie Chung
Even though I never watched you at all
You had the nerve to promote yourself
While Dave on Late Night drooled
They brought you to the network
And they whispered into your ear
They put you on the prompter
And they made you keep your name
And it seemed to me you lived your life
Like an anchor in the wind
Never knowing who to work for
When the ratings came in
And I would have liked to watch you
But I was just sickened
Your paychecks ran out long before
Your contract ever did
CBS was rough
The toughest place you ever worked
Oklahoma City created a super stink
And Dan was the price you paid
Even when you quit
Oh, the mess still followed you
All the tabloids had to say
Was she and Maury trying to have a kid?
And it seemed to me you lived your life
Like an anchor in the wind
Never knowing who to work for
When the ratings came in
And I would have liked to watch you
But I was just sickened
Your paychecks ran out long before
Your contract ever did
Goodbye Connie Chung
Even though I never watched you at all
You had the nerve to promote yourself
While Dave on Late Night drooled
Goodbye Connie Chung
From the young man in the CNN producer’s booth
Who saw you as something less than ineffectual
More than just Maury’s favorite hole
And it seemed to me you lived your life
Like an anchor in the wind
Never knowing who to work for
When the ratings came in
And I would have liked to watch you
But I was just sickened
Your paychecks ran out long before
Your contract ever did
If you’re really bad, I’ll record it tonight and post it.
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 3 – Death or Cowardice
PREVIOUS
“Do you need help, Charlene?”
The enemy soldier Charlene was wrestling with definitely had a size advantage on the small Charlene. She didn’t look scared, though. “This is my kill!” she yelled back at Doug.
“Well, once you’re done, we have spare sandwiches.”
Charlene elbowed the soldier in the head and wrested the knife free. “Don’t distract me!” Doug turned his eyes and covered his ears as the fight came to an end. He looked back to see Charlene standing over the dead body as she cleaned off the knife. “What are you two doing back here?”
“Special Ops.” Bryce eyed the dead body with a look of disgust. “Could you move that? We’re eating.”
Charlene appeared ready to use her knife again. “How can you hide back here? Don’t you know we’re getting slaughtered out there?”
Bryce wiped his mouth with a napkin. “If you parse what you just said, you’ll notice the second part is a good answer to the first part.”
Another soldier jumped into the ditch. It was who Doug recognized her as Charlene’s friend Lulu. “There you are!” Lulu said to Charlene. “I was looking for you! Everyone is getting killed so I wanted to stay near you since you seem to know what you’re doing.” She straightened her pigtails as she looked around the ditch. “We have sandwiches?”
Charlene ignored her and looked out from the ditch. “It’s gotten quiet.”
This seemed to make Charlene and Lulu look quite worried, so Doug offered in a hopeful voice, “Maybe we won.”
For a small woman, Charlene hit hard. After smacking Doug, she looked at Lulu. “Try and find where the rest of our forces are.”
Lulu spoke into her radio. “Hey, it’s Lulu; how is everyone doing? …Hello? …Hello?” Lulu looked at Charlene. “Um… do you think we’re all that’s left?”
“I’m afraid so.”
They were quiet for a moment, but Bryce broke the silence. “Well, this sucks. Luckily, I have my jogging shoes on. Who’s up for a tactical retreat?”
Doug wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that. “How far are we going to have to run?”
Charlene grabbed Doug and put her knife to his face. “You run, and you’ll be executed for cowardice!”
Bryce pulled Charlene’s hand off of Doug. “How about we retreat, but we don’t tell anyone about it.”
Lulu gave a worried glance to the enemy forces. “I like that idea.”
Charlene frowned as she sheathed her knife. “Are you suggesting we go AWOL?”
Bryce began to pack up the picnic. “I’m not sure what the technical term is for it, but I think we should just call it the ‘not getting killed’ option.”
Doug, as usual, was confused. “Will we get in trouble for being AWOL?”
Lulu sat low in the ditch and started rocking back and forth. “I really hate this war stuff. I just want to get out of this and get that job as an administrative assistant. These uniforms aren’t flattering at all and the boots we have to wear are ugly. Plus, there’s two much violence and yelling and… Ow!”
After yanking one of Lulu’s pigtails, Charlene addressed the three. “I already checked, and no backup is coming. This fight is up to us. We may be outnumbered, but if we can take control of their battle-mech, we could turn the tide. It won’t be easy, but remember that we fight for the divine honor of Empress Proserpine and to avenge the death of our comrades!”
Lulu was still rubbing her head. “But you never liked your comrades, and they really hated you.”
Charlene stood up. “It’s the principle, Lulu. Now, I’ll need some ammo. I used up all of mine killing the enemy.”
Lulu looked at her gun. “I only have one of the bullet container thingees–”
“Magazines.”
“–magazines left.”
“I have plenty of ammo I’m not using!” Doug said, glad to be helpful. He looked through his sack. “Where is it?”
“I have it.” Bryce opened his sack and took out some magazines and handed them to Charlene and Lulu. “I always unload Doug’s gun and take his ammo before each battle for his own safety and the safety of others.”
Charlene put a magazine into her rifle and chambered a round. “Is there any point in asking if you two cowards will help?”
Bryce picked up his pack and rifle. “No, not much point in asking. You two have fun, and we’ll look for how you did in the obituaries tomorrow.”
Charlene sneered at them and then climbed out of the ditch. Lulu started to follow but stopped for a moment to look towards Bryce and Doug. “Could you guys wait a minute back here, because, if Charlene gets killed, I’m going to do that AWOL thing with you two.”
“Sure thing,” Bryce said. Lulu then headed out of the ditch with a slight whimper. When she was out of sight, Bryce turned to Doug. “Okay, let’s get running.”
Doug picked up his gun and watched the two women running off towards the twenty-five-foot robot in the distance. “They’re going to get killed! We have to help!”
Bryce shook his head. “No, Doug. Proper logic would go this way: They’re going to get killed, so we need to be as far away from them as possible.”
Doug began to climb out of the ditch. “Everyone else got killed while we sat here eating sandwiches; I’m not sitting by while anyone else dies.”
“We’re not going to be sitting! We’re going to be running! Doug, this whole battle is pointless! Also, I really do have some big plans I’m working on, and it would be quite useful to have you not dead for them. This plan might involve heavy things that need carrying, and you know I’m not going to do that… And didn’t the guy in your crazy dream say to stay alive so you could fight aliens or something?”
Doug held his rifle at the ready and prepared to run after Charlene and Lulu. “That was a dream; this is real. It’s time for me to be useful now.” Doug began to head towards the enemy.
“Doug!”
“What, Bryce?”
Bryce threw Doug some magazines. “You might need some ammo.”
Doug missed them and quickly picked them up off the ground, putting one in his rifle. “Thanks, Bryce.” He started his run again.
“Doug!”
“What?”
“Chamber a round.”
Doug looked down at his rifle. “Oh yeah.”
Bryce sunk back into the safety of the ditch. “Idiot.”
NEXT
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Know Thy Enemy: Rain
With all of the panicked shrieking about Hurricane Season in the media, down here in Houston we don’t need any stinking named storms to cripple the city’s infrastructure. Dump ten inches of rain on the place during your morning commute, and you’ve got the makings for a boatload of fun… without the boat!
With all that in mind, we should look at this “rain” thing more closely to see the true nature of this flash flood of threats this phenomenon presents…
FUN FACTS ABOUT RAIN
Of the Two Koreas, I Prefer the Southernmost One
An Editorial by Frank J.
If you’ve paid attention to the news, you may have noticed that there are two Koreas. Odd, but true. One China, one Japan, but two completely separate Koreas. Did they both accidentally name themselves Korea without hearing about the other? Unlikely, since these two different Koreas are right next to each other. So are they completely alike? No. Despite one huge similarity – being full of Koreans – they are quite different, and, if I had to choose just one to keep, I’d pick the southernmost Korea.
“Those are my chips; I bought them!”
The southernmost Korea is very nice. In fact, they’re our friends. They let us keep military bases there, which is very nice since, having a Marine brother, I know firsthand how drunken and disorderly U.S. troops tend to be (can I get an “Ooh-rah!”). Also, they have their own electronic companies to compete against the greedy Japanese (greedy like us; that’s why they’re our friends too). The southernmost Korea also made my Hyundai Santa Fe which is a very nice mid-size SUV that was cheap and came with a ten year bumper-to-bumper warranty. Finally, it’s the Koreas in the south who animate The Simpsons. Though The Simpsons aren’t as good as they used to be, the animation has only gotten even better.
The Koreans to the north are not very nice, though. They make no electronics, no cars, and animate no shows. The only thing they export is threats of nuclear death, which is not very nice at all. Their leader is a pudgy man with poofy hair – poofy hair being the universal symbol of tyranny. Sometime, I wish those Koreas to the north would just die – and many do because they are starving. I hate starving people. Starving people are impossible to talk to while eating you’re eating a bag of chips because they’re always like, “Could I please have some of your chips? I am so hungry!” You try and change the subject, but they won’t let up on asking for your chips. Those are my chips; I bought them! Get away from me, you hungry Korean!
You may say, “You make the Korea to the south sound so good and the one to the north sound so bad as to make it obvious which one I should like more, but isn’t it true that the Korea to the south supports slavery.” Well, you are mistaken. You are mixing up the southernmost Korea with the South from the American Civil War. What I do hear about southern Korea that is bad is that they eat dogs. That is wrong. Dog are not for eating; dogs are for hugging and biting bad people – bad people who eat dogs, perhaps. Then again, the Korea to the north will eat not just dogs but anything at all because they are so hungry. I hate hungry people! Another thing you may have heard about the southernmost Korea is they are a democracy, and I know you can name all the things wrong with democracy. But the Korea to the north is Communist, and Communism is nothing but one big wrong. For the leaders of the Korea in the north to pick Communism was just as dumb and bad as to pick having a poofy hairstyle.
Now, if someone asks you which Korea you like better, you can say you like the southernmost one and give informed reasons as why. If they person you are talking to keeps arguing that the other is better, though, just tell him, “The northernmost Korea killed my father.” That will shut him up. It may be a lie, but the important thing is you’ll win the argument.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “North Is Up: A Frank Guide to Geography” and “A Tree Killed My Father: Why I’m Against Saving the Environment”.
The Democrats’ Culture of Crazy
Rep. Murtha was on Meet the Press Sunday. I missed it since I was in Church (it was all about Jesus again), but apparently he thinks Clinton’s surrender in Somalia (you know, the one the terrorists are always citing as how American can be defeated) is the model to follow, and we should move our bases of operation in the Middle East to Okinawa. No, not Okinawa, Qatar; Okinawa, Japan. I’m not very good with geography, but I don’t think Okinawa is very close to the Middle East. Yes, it’s closer to the Middle East than the moon, but we probably need a better response time than what Okinawa would allow for incidents in the Middle East.
Everyone is now making fun of poor old Murtha, but that is wrong. Instead, we should find a nice old folks home for Murtha where he can spend the remainder of his days playing checkers with other old people. Maybe some old broken cameras can be set up there so he can talk to them about his military ideas about moving all our military operations to a base in the North Pole. The other old folks may yell at him, but I think it’s the best we can do for this old, crazy Marine.