Archive of entries posted on 21st June 2006

Scenes From the World Cup

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Announcer #1: Welcome to this year’s coverage of the World Cup.
Announcer #2: I can’t believe what an amazing first round we’ve had.
Announcer #1: I’ll say. In Group Z we had the every single team end their first round in zero to zero ties.
Announcer #2: Who advances to the second round?
Announcer #1: They all do!!
Announcer #2: How exciting.
**
Announcer #1: This is the most exciting thing I’ve seen since that last zero-zero tie.
Announcer #2: Yes, definitely one of the top ten nothing-nothings.
Announcer #1: Speaking of which. I had a very exciting dinner last night.
Announcer #2: What happened?
Announcer #1: Absolutely NOTHING!.
Announcer #2: Wow.
Announcer #1: Let’s take a break for these commercials.
**
Actor: Hey America. Why aren’t you watching? Please watch the World Cup. The World Cup: Because soccer isn’t just for children.
**
Announcer #1: I remember one time I saw a team actually WIN a match.
Announcer #2: You don’t say.
Announcer #1: Yes, of course, the Norwegians beat the Swiss.
Announcer #2: You mean with scoring??”
Announcer #1: Of course not. The Swiss pulled out of the match. They decided they wanted to remain neutral.
Announcer #2: How exciting.
Announcer #1: Yes, my colleagues and I still talk about that one. Oops, time for commercial.
**
Commercial announcer: Try Adidas Tennis Shoes. We make the world’s best soccer shoes. Our new shoe — the Kickarino 200 even has a sensor that alerts you when you’re within 100 feet of the goal!
Goalie Endorsement. Thanks to the Kickarino’s alarm system, I woke up from my nap just in time to watch that kick sail high into the stands. Thanks Kickarino.
Commercial Announcer; The Kickarino 200 — from Adidas. The Shoemaker.
**
Announcer #1: One thing I’ve enjoyed about this tournament is that so many teams have scored Own Goals.
Announcer #2: Yes, very exciting.
Announcer #1: That’s true. I haven’t anybody score that much on themselves since Pee Wee Herman. I can’t wait for this next match to start.
Announcer #2: Yes, it will start in just 3 more hours. Int he meantime, we’ll sit here and discuss strategies and players and all the good stuff people never thought of because they were too busy trying to find beer.

Announcer #1: We are now looking down on the field watching the players warm up for the next match. Yes, over on the far end, we see them sprinting. At the near end, we see the goalie is practicing blocking shots.
Announcer #2: My goodness, there’s a player twisting and writhing on the grass. He’s surrounded by the team staff. Are they medical doctors?
Announcer #1: No — acting coaches.
Announcer #2: How exciting.
**
Announcer #1: This just in. Saudi Arabia filed an appeal to the United Nations regarding the bad officiating in the first round.
Announcer #2: What did the United Nations determine?
Announcer #1: They said the Arabs were right. The UN today sanctioned Israel and blamed the bad officiating on a Zionist conspiracy.
Announcer #2: But there isn’t even an Israeli team in the World Cup.
Announcer #1: Yes there is: The United States.
Announcer #2: I suspected, but I wasn’t sure.
**
Announcer #1: News flash. Angola and Tibet have both tied Zero-zero. They both adavance to the second round.
Announcer #2: How exciting!

Carnival Of Comedy Reminder

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I want you! To pull my finger.
This should be on a T-Shirt
Carnival #60 Will be at the Acme Anvil Co on Thursday. Steve’s already thought of a theme! (Who should buy Mexico)
Get those entries in to here, or here!
Want to host? Email me at Spacemonkey -at- IMAO.US and have me eventually add your name to this schedule.
Upcoming Carnival
#61 Will be at Blogs for House

A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 5 – Debrief

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BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 4)

While waiting for backup, Doug did his best to make sure the excess peanut butter and jelly sandwiches he and Bryce had didn’t go to waste. Both Lulu and Charlene said they weren’t hungry, and Doug couldn’t blame them, as the battlefield was now filled with odd smells, none of them pleasant.
When someone did come, it was just one troop transport to fly them back to base. Charlene questioned this, and they were told the General would explain. At base, they were marched straight to his office.
General Daniels didn’t look in the best of shape. His eyes were bloodshot, his face was a couple days unshaven, and he was probably drunk – or was going to be soon from how he was constantly pouring himself more whiskey. He took a swig from his glass and then looked up from his desk at the four in front of him. “Oh yeah, you guys.”
Doug was still standing at attention along with Lulu and Charlene, but Bryce was leaning casually against a wall. “I was expressing concern about how, when we left the battlefield, there were no new forces to relieve us,” Charlene said.
The General took another drink. “Yeah… well, to be honest, I didn’t prepare for the contingency that we’d actually win.”
Doug, as usual, was confused, so he looked at Charlene. She appeared surprised for a moment, but regained herself to her neutral expression as she addressed the General. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s a numbers thing, Murphy.” The General finished off his glass and poured another. “Considering what you all went through, I guess the least I can do is explain the decision making behind this mission. The higher-ups like to keep tabs on a number of different stats. They noted that, while all parts of the military are now 50/50 gender-wise, most of the casualties are men, and that perhaps showed some sort of sexism in women’s role in our fine military. I was told to fix that.” He chuckled. “And, since I can’t bring men back to life, my only option was to get women killed to even up the ratio. Thus I made a whole squadron of you ladies and sent you on a suicide mission. The problem was I accidentally put you on it, Murphy, which was an oversight on my part… in my defense, though, I’ve been drunk the past few days.”
Doug tried unsuccessfully to process all that and looked at the others. Charlene could not contain her shock this time. Lulu appeared mortified. Bryce was checking the cleanliness of his nails. Then a thought occurred to Doug. “So why were Bryce and I included in this?”
“I just don’t like you two and was thinking, ‘Well, as long as I’m killing people off…'” He laughed and took another drink. “Anyway, you all actually winning this battle has put some egg on my face, but that’s not your fault. I’ll try and get you guys some medals, but until then, I got you some gift certificates for the mall.” The General stood up and handed each of them an envelope. “I award you these for your great valor in serving the divine Empress Proserpine yadda yadda yadda.” The General plopped back into his seat and poured whiskey into a couple more glasses. He sipped at one for a bit while the others stared blankly at their gift certificates – except for Bryce, who quickly pocketed his after checking its value. After a few seconds of silence, the General looked up at the four again. “Still here? You all standing there is really starting to annoy me. Either leave, snap and kill me, or have a glass of whiskey.”
Doug felt like getting out of there. Charlene appeared ready to cry. Lulu was just shaking and seemed to be mumbling something. Bryce, on the other hand, stepped forward. “Guess I’ll have some whiskey, then.” He picked up a glass. “Out of curiosity, how did you pick those women to die? Did you base it on competency or attractiveness?”
“I wussed out of picking anyone and had a list randomly generated… except for adding you and that dummy who’s always following you around.” The General motioned to Doug.
“Hmm.” Bryce took a sip and instantly had a look of disgust. “This whiskey is horrid.”
The General took a big drink. “By the time you get to my rank, you get used to it.”
Charlene suddenly bolted out of the room. Doug started to go after her but realized he had no idea what to say to her. The General slumped down into his chair. “Hell, I was sure she’d kill me. Now I have to make plans for the evening.” He finished his glass. “I’ll never understand women.”
NEXT

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In My World: Crazy Old Redeployment

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“Here is our current military problem,” Rumsfeld told President Bush as he put a slide on screen. It was a picture of smiling faces of many different races and cultures. “Foreigners! And the solution is: Kill all foreigners.”
“I’m afraid you’re stuck in a rut, Rummy,” Bush said. “So I’m bringing in some fresh ideas.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled. “How dare you!”
“Calm down. I just want everyone to be on board in fighting the terrorists, so I thought I’d bring in a Democrat to help with planning as co-Secretary of Defense. It was easy to pick, since there is only one Democrat actually laying out a plan.”
There was a pounding on the door to the conference room. “The door won’t open!” a voice shouted.
“Did you try the handle?” Bush suggested.
“The what?”
“Sheesh.” Bush walked over and opened the door. In walked Murtha clad in pajamas and slippers.
“Where am I?”
“You’re in a conference room at the White House to help with military strategery,” Bush explained slowly.
“Can I just go ahead and strangle him now?” Rumsfeld asked.
“No. Let’s first hear what he has to say.”
Murtha walked over to a map of the world on the wall. “We need to get out of Iraq! It’s dangerous. We need to get our troops elsewhere.”
“But where?” Bush asked.
Murtha looked over the map. “Well… uh… I don’t see it on here on the map… but we should redeploy to the moon!”
“Can I strangle him now?”
“No, Rummy!” Bush shouted.
“The moon is perfect,” Murtha continued. “We can just as easily fight terrorism from there. It’s up high, so we can see everything. When we need to strike somewhere, we can just jump and we’ll fall right towards it.”
“Brilliant!” Bush exclaimed. He then thought for a moment and his enthusiasm faded. “Hey, but what if someone nukes the moon?”
“We’ll cover the moon with a Plexiglas shield,” Murtha said. “Plexiglas is strong.”
“Brilliant!”
Rumsfeld sat down. “Just tell me when it’s okay for me to strangle him.”
“The only problem with the moon,” Murtha explained, “is that it may contain a race of angry mole-people.”
Bush shivered. “Oh no! Not mole-people!”
“If that’s true, then we’ll have to redeploy elsewhere.”
“But where?”
Murtha looked over the map and then pointed to one area. “What’s this place called?”
“The Pacific Ocean,” Rumsfeld answered as he tensed his hands for a strangling.
“Are we going under the sea?” Bush asked.
“No, there are giant squids down there,” Murtha said. “We’ll make a base that floats. Now, what floats?”
“Dead bodies,” Rumsfeld answered.
“Very small rocks?” Bush said.
“Styrofoam peanuts,” Murtha stated. “I have a lot at my house and we can make a base out of them. Now I just need to sit down for a second.” Murtha took a seat and immediately fell asleep.
Rumsfeld stood up. “I guess it’s time to strangle him.”
“You can’t strangle him while he’s sleeping; he’s a veteran.”
Rumsfeld thought for a moment. “How about I just throw him in the Potomac?”
“Okay.”

Ask Dr. Duck

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You have questions. Dr. Duck has answers. That’s the way things work around here.
Sure, IMAO has had more suicide attempts than Guantanamo Bay. Sure, we’d make a cheap laugh at your expense (Note: Please visit cafe press and buy our new Laughing at Your Expense T-shirt. It’s expensive – but that’s the point.)
However, I can honestly say, that reading this blog is much more interesting that watching the latest zero-zero tie at the World Cup.
Every once in a while, a glimmer of hope arises and Dr. Duck emerges to answer the questions that keep you up at night. So go ahead and ask Dr. Duck what you need to know. Politics. Romance. Auto Mechanics. Electronics. 18th Century Middle Eastern Art.
Dr. Duck cares.
Disclaimer. Dr. Duck doesn’t give damn. Disclaimer to the disclaimer. Dr. Duck cares. Don’t listen to the dislaimer. Original disclaimer: Don’t tell me what I feel. How dare you invalidate my feelings. Disclaimer to the disclaimer: I’m not invalidating your feelings. I was only saying that it’s rude to tell people you don’t care. Original disclaimer: But what If I don’t. What if I’m so busy with life, a job that’s disappearing, and a full load at school. What then? Disclaimer to the disclaimer: Who cares what you feel? Make with the funny. Original disclaimer: Who do you think you are? Frank J? You can’t boss me around! You’re not the boss of me! Disclaimer to the Disclaimer. I wasn’t bossing you around. I just mentioned that maybe saying you don’t give a damn isn’t a nice thing to say. What do you think? Original Disclaimer: I don’t give a damn.
Answers will post on Friday.

Ensuring victory

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For all the money Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wasted in fines after various outbursts during the NBA Playoffs, he’s come up with a new blog-friendly, Web 2.0 strategy to ensure victory against whatever team he’s facing…

Continue reading ‘Ensuring victory’ »

I Feel Your Pain, Jonah

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One of the few things that ever got me to swear at my own readers… and I have a long fuse.
UPDATE: Maybe some people aren’t understanding. What makes me uncontrollably angry is someone correcting a typo and then explaining to me like I’m a four year old when is the proper to use “its” versus “it’s”. I had some readers do that a couple years back – and were very well-meaning and polite – and I could not help but rip into them. I’ve yet to have one troll make me angry, but that…

Slogans for the Kwazy Kos Kids

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DarkSyde at the DailyKos is trying to find a short, unifying slogan for the Kwazy Kos Kids. He has his suggestions, but here are mine:
* I’m Running Out of Tin-Foil!
* Karl Rove Stole My Weed!
* Stop Laughing at Me!
* “Don’t Eat Paint Chips” Is One of Bush’s Lies!
* You Say “Angry” Isn’t a Platform? YOU SHUT UP!!!
* You’re Either With Us, Or I’m Going to Bite You
* No, You’re Mentally Retarded and Probably Insane!
* Bush Lied, I Soiled Myself and Cried
* I Don’t Want the Pills! Don’t Make Me Take the Pills!
* Aw Tawt Aw Taw a Putty Tat!
* Why Do You Care If I Forgot to Wear Pants When There Is an Illegal War Going On?
* YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Come on! Help out the Kos Kids in their slogan search in the comments.