Just Wondering

Is there an official name for that “move your head from side to side while wagging your finger back & forth” thing that black women do?

A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 6 – Courtship

BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 5)


“So what are you guys planning on spending your gift certificates on?” Bryce had changed out of his uniform into what looked like a brand new suit. The four were standing outside of the military base, and none had said much since the debrief with the General.
“They tried to kill us!” Lulu screamed. She was now wearing a short skirt and a t-shirt with bunnies on it. With her pigtails, she looked more like she just got out of class than came from a battlefield. “I can’t believe they tried to kill us! I’m just glad he gave us gift certificates because, after all of that slaughter, I really need to shop.” She turned to Charlene. “Can they really do that? Can they just send us out to die? I’m so mad, I’m really thinking of writing someone an angry letter… maybe with swears in it.”
Charlene was still expressionless. When she had changed, she’d let her long brown hair out of her pony tail and put on a leather jacket. For a petite, five-foot woman, Doug thought she had a pretty intimidating presence. After a couple seconds, she looked up at Lulu. “We are in no position to question the leadership. If General Daniels has done anything improper in assigning us to that mission, it will be dealt with. It is not our responsibility to make that assessment, though, and the command structure will collapse if we try and take on that responsibility.”
Bryce laughed. “Wow. You’re a real piece of work there, Charlene. We’re not being listened to by the government, so spare us the loyal drone spiel.”
Her expression turned fierce. “Before the battle, I remarked that the squad was full of incompetents who deserved death, and I stand by that. I speak only what I believe and nothing else, and I am loyal to our divine Empress.”
“It takes a twisted mind to pretend that battle was anything other than a pointless slaughter. Plus, I hate to break it to you, but I recently heard a rumor that Proserpine is an alien.” Bryce smiled and looked at Doug. “I think this one might actually be dumber than you.”
“Hey!” Doug punched Bryce in the shoulder. “Lay off her!”
Bryce backed away looking surprised. “Okay; calm down.” Doug surprised himself. He had barely ever gotten angry at his best friend, but Charlene, despite her outward appearances, seemed a bit sad about something. Doug just couldn’t stand watching Bryce treat her the way Bryce usually treated people.
“Let’s get to the mall, Charlene,” Lulu said. “I’m not as happy about the slaughter as you are, and I need to at least get some new shoes or something.”
Bryce grabbed Doug by his jacket collar and whispered, “You need to ask Charlene out before they leave.”
Doug turned red. “I dunno. She’s just so–”
“Let me see your gift certificate.” Doug took it out of his jacket pocket. Bryce quickly snatched it. “Now it’s mine.”
“Hey! I earned that!”
Bryce put it away in his suit. “You won’t get it back until you ask Charlene out. Tell her to meet you at the corner of Geist and Minton at eight for dinner. It will be my treat.”
Doug glared at Bryce and then jogged after Charlene who was already walking off with Lulu. “Hey, Charlene.”
She turned around. “What?”
Doug couldn’t help but sink from her gaze. “I was… uh… just wondering if… uh… you like dinner and… uh…”
“Are you asking me out?” Her expression was one of contempt.
“Well, it’s just…”
“I am a great soldier of the divine Empress’s army; how dare you ask me out in such a timid manner!”
“I’m sorry.” Defeated, Doug turned to walk away.
“And you’re retreating!” Charlene grabbed Doug and yanked him back. “You dishonor your uniform. Stand up straight and do that again.”
Doug again faced Charlene, who was staring back intensely. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Bryce had split off Lulu and was talking to her. Doug stood at attention, met Charlene’s gaze, and said, “I was thinking, that… you know… if you don’t have anything better to do…”
“I can barely hear you!”
“It’s just that… uh…”
“Stop stuttering and get to the point!”
“Can I take you out to dinner? You’re pretty!”
Charlene thought about that for a moment, not breaking her gaze with Doug’s. “Fine… but just because we’re soldiers who fought together. Don’t consider it a date. Where are we going?”
“Just meet me at Geist and Minton at eight, and I’ll surprise you.”
“Okay.” Charlene about-faced and called out, “Come on, Lulu.” Lulu waved goodbye to Bryce then Doug and walked off with Charlene.
When the women were far enough away, Doug turned to Bryce and pumped his fists in the air. “I did it.”
Bryce handed Doug back his gift certificate. “Yeah, I saw. Makes me sorry I made you do that.”
“But I like her. So what restaurant is near Geist and Minton?”
Bryce shrugged. “I don’t know if there is any. Come on, we need to get some things from my place.”
“What? Hey, this isn’t part of your new scheme, is it?”
Bryce straightened his tie. “It’s not a scheme; it’s a plan. And, yes, Lulu and Charlene now factor into it.”
“I don’t think it’s right for you to trick them into whatever it is you’re going to do. They’ve just been through a lot.”
“That reminds me: I still don’t know who it was we just fought… but I guess I’m just too embarrassed to ask at this point.” He headed down the street. “Let’s go. Oh, and there’s more than a small possibility that some people will be following us who want to do me harm, so keep an eye out.”
“Okay.” Doug followed Bryce for a few seconds until his brain kicked in. “Wait; what was that last part?”
NEXT

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Kos Korruption!

Apparently, Kos has some sort of political scandal going on as revealed by The New Republic (WARNING: THIS IS A LINK TO THE DAILY KOS!!!!1!!!!!1!!! Kos mad!). I don’t understand what the scandal is about, as even the Puppy Blender’s summary involves many many words. Still, we have to ask ourselves: Since we know that Kos is currently plotting to kill us and steal our blood, is it too far-fetched for him to be involved in some scandal of some sort.
It is not far-fetched at all!
I call on Kos to resign from whatever it is he does and apologize for whatever it is he did. That’s the only way to restore peace to whatever it is we’re trying to protect.

Links of the Day

Right Wing News has his list of the 29 Worst People In America (plus 4 honorable mentions).
Matty O’Blackfive has two excellent videos: “Brokeback Zarqawi” and “Lazy Ramadi”
If you like terrorist-killin’ songs, you’ll probably like TFS Magnum’s “Die al-Qaeda” and The Outlaw Republican’s “Marines Went Down To Baghdad

Top Ten: Is Superman Gay?

Is Superman Gay?
I never thought twice about it but it seems to be generating a lot of buzz. How can we know that this latest movie version of Superman is gay? Does he change into his tights at Interstate Rest Area Bathrooms? Does he wear a rainbow colored cape? Does the movie end with Lex Luthor in jail and Superman pining: “I wish I could quit you.” ?
This is why you visit IMAO: To get the answers to life’s most pressing questions.
Is Superman Gay?
Top Ten Changes to the Movie That Tell Us Superrman Might Be Gay
10. No rescues performed while Ellen DeGeneres is on.
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9. New crime-fighting uniform features a pair of leather chaps.
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8. Fortress of Solitude gets a pink paint job — and a bidet.
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7. Ends all rescues with the phrase , “That was so fab-ooooo!”
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6. New weaknesses include kryptonite, lead, and Ryan Seacrest.
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5, Constantly asking bank robbers: “Is that a gun in your pocket?”
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4. Runs into burning buildings. Keeps “accidentally” rescuing the firemen.
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3. Takes all captured criminals to the cop from the Village People
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2. Superman’s new secret identity: Cher.
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And the number one change to this movie that tells us Superman just might be gay–

1. The new Lois Lane has an Adam’s apple.

Less Offensive Terrorist Killin’ Song

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A Marine wrote a song called “Hadji Girl” (video here, lyrics here) that was described as “contrary to the high standards expected of all Marines” by Marine Major Gabrielle Chapin.
Since Marines aren’t known for their sensitivity, I have to assume that the objection was that it didn’t have enough brutal terrorist-killin’. So to show my support for the Marines, I wrote a sprightly little ditty that’s – hopefully – a little less respectful of bloodthirsty Islamofascists.
CONTENT WARNING: contains censored profanity, violent imagery, disrespectful references to terrorist sexual preferences, and other assorted not-very-niceness, so it’s in the extended entry…

Continue reading ‘Less Offensive Terrorist Killin’ Song’ »

We Found What Now?

Sen. Rick Santorum announced that we had found WMDs in Iraq. Some of you may be too young to remember, but a long time ago we were actually looking for those in Iraq and expected to find them. When that (apparently) didn’t work out, we then set our sights on constructing in Iraq something even more destructive – democracy!
So, is Santorum right? Did we find what everyone thought we’d find but didn’t find and then everybody said it was dumb to think it was there? Well, I know Santorum. I was at his victory party in 2000 where we waited (to no avail) for the Presidential election results to come in, and, at one point, he briefly glanced at me. Knowing him so well, I can say I trust what he says. That means Iraq had WMDs and was a grave threat to America, and liberals are all dumb and wrong to ever oppose our mission.
Dumb and wrong.
That’s all I have to say for now.