Um… why are you having us draw straws?
And what’s that bottle of pills for?
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Archive of entries posted on 26th June 2006
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 7 – The Break-In
BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 6)
“How do you tell if someone is following you and not just heading in the same direction?” Doug entered the apartment building with Bryce. It wasn’t in the nicest part of town, but it wasn’t in the worst part of town either. He had no idea how Bryce was able to obtain it while it currently belonged to the Proserpine military, but Doug did know that asking him about it would never bring about any answers. Anyway, other things worried him more. “I really don’t think you should be tricking those two women into whatever your scheme is this time.”
“Just trust me, Doug.”
“Why?”
This gave Bryce pause. After a moment, he answered, “Because I saved your life today. You at least owe me a little trust for that.”
Bryce had never played the “I saved your life” card before. Then again, all the other times Doug was rescued by Bryce, it was Bryce’s fault he needed saving in the first place. “You promise you won’t get them killed or something?”
Bryce took a second to answer that. “This is an important plan, Doug. It will mean no more pointless fights and pointless deaths for some whack-job who thinks he or she is a god. The more people I involve with this, the better.”
This did make it sound more important than Bryce’s usual scheme to earn a few dishonest credits. It certainly seemed he was building to something, as he had been gone more than a week before today’s battle – the longest Doug had ever known Bryce to be out on his own. Doug was a little hurt to be that much out of the loop, but he always got the feeling that when Bryce didn’t involve him with something, it was best he didn’t know about it. Now Doug was actually curious what this was about, especially if it was going to free them from the Empress Proserpine’s government as well as those of the other emperors. This was beginning to sound like it might be as important a task as he had dreamed about last night. “So are we going to finally fight the system?”
Bryce struck Doug in the back of his head. “No! Of course not, you idiot. Don’t even joke about that. The system is big and was put in place by many powerful people who will kill all who would dare threaten it. You should never even contemplate taking on the system. You only game or play the system – never fight it.” He headed up the stairwell. “Enough talk; let’s get moving.”
Bryce’s apartment was on the fifth floor. They stopped in front of it as Bryce inspected the door – especially near the handle. Bryce pointed to one spot near the frame. “A sharp kick here should break the door in.”
Doug stared a while at that spot until he noticed Bryce was staring at him. “What?”
“Are you going to kick it or knock it down with the power of your pea-sized brain?”
Doug furrowed his brow. “Don’t you have a key?”
Bryce sighed. “I asked you to trust me, but you’re still inundating me with dumb questions. Of course I have a key. Now kick the door in.”
With one sharp kick, the door broke open. Bryce’s apartment wasn’t very large, but he had furnished it with a certain sense of style that made Bryce appear more opulent than he was. Or at least it did until Bryce started knocking over tables, smashing decorations, and ripping his paintings.
“Why are you breaking everything?”
Bryce broke a glass coffee table with a chair. “Again with the questions! Are you writing an exposé on me or something?”
“Sorry.” Doug looked around. “Can I smash something at least?”
Bryce moved to the kitchen and started knocking plates and glasses out of his cabinets. “No; you might break something I need.” Bryce stopped to look out his window. “Oh, and to answer an earlier question, the way you can tell someone is following you is that he will be trying to look like he’s not following you.”
“But everyone looks like they’re not following me.”
Bryce grabbed a briefcase near his bed and started filling it with some items from his filing cabinet. “Yes, but there’s a difference between how someone looks when they’re actually not following you and when they’re trying to look like they’re not following you.” He knocked over the filing cabinet. “Anyway, there is a pipe under the sink. Go get it.”
Doug looked under the sink. “The only pipe I see is connected to the sink.”
Bryce took a suitcase out of his closet and knocked over all his hanging clothes. “That’s the one; pull it out.”
With a little effort, Doug pulled out the pipe causing himself to be sprayed with water. “The water is still on!”
“That it is.” Bryce walked to his door carrying his briefcase in one hand and the suitcase in another. “Let’s get going to the meeting point. You lead the way.”
Doug walked out into the hallway and tried to hand Bryce his pipe.
“No, you keep that; I’ll carry the rest.”
That was another first for Bryce: him carrying the heavy stuff. Doug didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth and led the way back down the stairs. Before they got to the exit, Bryce said, “Hold on a sec.” He put down his briefcase and suitcase. “Put the pipe up your sleeve.”
Doug stuck the pipe up his right sleeve and curled his hand inwards to hold it in. “What am I doing?”
“Just a simple little errand. What I want you to do is walk out of the apartment, bash any goons you see in the head with that pipe, and then call me when the coast is clear.”
“Wha?” was all Doug was able to utter before Bryce had shoved him out the door.
NEXT
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
Why Does the New York Times Want Us Dead?
Due to their decreased circulation, the New York Times is apparently now just focusing on helping terrorists and exposing any spying operation we have against those who wish to kill us. But why? Did the NYT take out insurance policies on all of us? How do we check that?
This is a good opportunity for President Bush to show leadership in the War on Terror and increase his poll numbers. He should say how he vehemently disagrees with the NYT’s decision to publish details on spying operations done against terrorists. Then he should bomb the NYT headquarters and kill its leaders. The rest of the NYT staff should be hunted down just like Al Qaeda and sent to Gitmo. People will then say, “Wow; Bush really is serious about protecting us. Look how he killed and captured so many people involved with the New York Times.”
At Gitmo, after weeks of intense interrogation, it can then be revealed that Paul Krugman knows absolutely nothing. The same thing can be then determined about Maureen Dowd with a just brief glance at her.
To Win the War on Terror, We Need Some Sort of Ray to Cause People’s Heads to Explode
An Editorial by Frank J.
Since we started the war on terror, we have killed many terrorists. Still, there are many more terrorists out there. And, the terrorists we think we killed with guns or bombs, how can we be sure they are dead? Even if we are sure they’re dead, how can we know they won’t come back as terrorist zombies? The solution to this is obvious: we need some sort of ray to make their heads explode.
“Soon terrorists will learn that terrorism means an exploded head.”
Such a ray is quite possible to build. There is a thing called “resonance frequency” – this is a real thing I have not made up but heard from very scientifical people. If a resonance frequency of an object is reached, it vibrates and explodes. All that is needed to be done is to find the resonance frequency of terrorist heads. For this, I will need heads to experiment on. Once said frequency is found, building the ray will be easy because I have already drawn the design on a napkin (ironically, that design is so complex that, were you to try and understand it, your head would explode). Why did I use a napkin when perfectly good paper was nearby? Because napkins have a special texture good for bringing out thought. Smart people like me know this.
Once I have the resonance frequency and millions of government dollars, I will build the head-exploding ray. Then fighting terrorists will be easy. First, we must find them. This is also easy. In a crowded area, yell, “Hey! Terrorists!” Whoever turns to answer must be terrorists. Explode their heads with ray. Soon terrorists will learn that terrorism means an exploded head. Some may still be terrorists thinking they will get 72 virgins when they go to paradise after their heads explode, but we will find the terrorists paradise and explode the virgins heads too! Nowhere is safe from the head-exploding ray!
You may worry that the head-exploding ray will fall into the wrong hands. I worry about this too, so it will be designed with sensors to tell whether “wrong” or “right” hands are holding it. If it is in the wrong hands, it will emit an annoying buzzing sounds so that the person who has it will be like, “I really want to explode heads for the cause of evil, but that sounds is just too annoying. Foiled once again by the genius of Frank J.!”
As you see, my plan is perfect. You are probably now worried that my intellect is so great that I can destroy cities with my mind. This is a legitimate worry. A while ago, I thought about New Orleans, and look what happened to it. Luckily, I have a short attention span, so I can’t think about anything for too long so as to totally destroy something.
That reminds me! I have another idea to fight terrorists. As we all know, terrorists shrivel up and die when they come in contact with ham. Thus, I have designs for a device that flings hams – a device I call the ham-flinger. It is so complex, the designs had to be written on toilet paper because even a napkin could not hold such genius. I would like to describe it to you, but the English language is inadequate to properly describe something so complicated as the ham-flinger. I would have to invent my own language to tell you about it, and it would take you the rest of your life to learn the language so I could then tell you about the ham-flinger. So, instead of worrying about how the ham-flinger works, just rest assured that Frank J. is out there building something that flings ham.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Monkeys Bite! – A Guide to Monkeys” and “This Book Is Too Complicated for You to Understand”.
No News!
I checked, and nothing happened over the weekend. Since there was no news to report, a record number of stories about how cute kittens are was reported on.
So, instead of politics, I’m going to talk about the super-string physics theory.
According to that theory, gravity is a bunch of strings that pull you down. Could you just cut the strings then and fly away? No, because they are super. You’d need a sharp piece of kryptonite to cut them, but I can’t get any and I even checked eBay. Superman is strong enough to break them, though, and that’s how he flies.
For more about the super-string theory, read a book. Better yet, just Google it.
I think I should write my own unified physics theory. Actually, I’m too busy for that. Is there like an illegal immigrant Mexican physicist I can pay four bucks and hour to solve the greatest mysteries of science for me? Is Stephen Hawking Mexican? Where are his papers?
Science always has so many questions.
Don’t Panic, But…
There’s a rumor going around that the sun is going to explode today. I’m not near a window to see it, so, if it does happen, someone e-mail and tell me.
And, if it does happen, what is Karl Rove trying to distract us from now…
Oh, and whoever is sending me those e-mails about making my penis bigger, could you please stop it. I know you have good intentions, but if the thing were any bigger it would be unwieldy.
That’s all. Gotta go check the news and see if anything happened in the past three days. Be honorable yadda yadda yadda.
Fun Facts About Minnesota
The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I’m going to forge ahead – hopefully on a weekly schedule.
Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I’ll pick & choose my favorite items to record.
(continued in extended entry)
how nice for me
Any of you looking for me at mountaineer musings will not currently find me. Even though Hosting Matters billed me for the annual renewal of both mountaineermusings.com and sarahk.us, and the bills were charged to my credit card successfully (per their payment processed email), both of my domains have expired. Maybe I’ll be up later today, as I’m about to pitch a fit.
UPDATE: I got a little testy with billing (my blog was disappeared, it’s hard to be nice), but then I did the smart thing and emailed Stacy, who always gets stuff done. 5 minutes after I emailed her, I was back up. So please, visit me!