Poor Rush. He’s been gonig through so much lately.
The good news is that he promised the judge he would straighten out. The bad news is he needed Viagra.
So what’s it like when you’re rich and famous and the whole world knows about your… um.. medication? I don’t know. Why are you looking at ME? Let’s change the subject as quickly as we can…
Anway, what were those first few minutes like when they first checked his bags and found he had a bottleof Viagra with Rush’s doctor’s name on it instead of his own? Rush Limbaugh Busted With Viagra!! A man can do a lot of fast talking when caught with with a bottle of Viagra. Or a small farm animal.
WHAT?
STOP STARING AT ME!!!
Anyway, here’s my top ten…
Top Ten Statements by Rush Limbaugh When He Got Busted With A Bottle of Viagra.
10. I didn’t think twice when they asked me if I had a “suspicious package.”
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9. Please note: Half the pills are gone. (winks)
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8. I tried to bribe the pilots for a turn at the wheel but they only accept beer.
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7. What do you MEAN they’re not Advil’s???
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6. They’re for work. Viagra helps me keep my energy up at high altitudes.
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5. Will you please stop asking me if I’m Happy To See You!!!
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4. Honest mistake. I told the flight attendant that I wanted something for my peanuts.
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3. Are you SURE that the Mile High Club involves TWO people?
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2. I’d kill for some painkillers. And a lap dance.
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And the NUMBER ONE Statement by Rush Limbaugh When He Got Busted With A Bottle of Viagra.
“I think the pills started working. Could you frisk me again?”
Archive of entries posted on 27th June 2006
Expect My Brother to Do More Karaoke Renditions of “Ring of Fire”
It has been ruled that Marines are allowed to sing.
Yay Marines! Boo CAIR!
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 8 – Goons
BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 7)
Doug stumbled out of the apartment and down the front steps. When he regained his balance, he found himself face to face with a stern looking young woman in a black suit. She grabbed him by his coat collar. “And where are you going?”
“I’m just… uh…”
Standing a number of inches shorter, she pulled Doug down to eye-level. “Did you happen to see a man in there who looks to spend a little too much time working on his hair? Goes by the name of Bryce?”
Doug had long ago been told by Bryce to never tell any woman – especially an angry-looking woman – where he is. “No, I never saw such a person.”
She stared at Doug for a moment. He just wasn’t a great liar. “Speaking of hair, you might want to invest in a comb yourself.”
Doug ran his hand through his matted black hair. “It’s been a busy day.”
She shoved Doug away, but she ended up being knocked back from the effort more than him. “Now tell me where Bryce is before I have to hurt you.”
The women looking for Bryce usually only threatened Bryce with violence. “I know Bryce can kinda be a jerk, so it’s probably better you just forget about him.”
She pulled out a knife and pointed it at Doug’s face. “I’ll forget him when he’s dead. Now tell me where he is before I take one of your eyes.”
“Aren’t you taking this way too seriously?”
She sneered. “I don’t think you understand the kind of people Bryce has pissed off; you’ll be lucky if you don’t wind up dead just for knowing him.”
Kind of people? Doug was confused for a moment, but then something clicked. “Wait; are you a goon?”
She looked a bit uncomfortable by the question. “My title is ‘Enforcer’.”
“Which is like a goon, right? I mean, you’re hired by some guy to rough people up?”
“And that job is called an ‘Enforcer’.”
Doug looked the young woman over. She was kinda cute and not at all imposing… even with the knife pointed at him. “You really don’t look like a goon.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well… you’re not intimidating at all. Goons should be able to intimidate people.”
She now pressed the blade of her knife against Doug’s face. “I think you’ll be scared once I start cutting you!”
“I wouldn’t like it, but I still don’t think that would make you seem like a goon. I mean, a little kid could come at me waving a knife, and I might be scared of getting cut, but the kid still wouldn’t be intimidating.” Doug thought for a moment. “It’s kinda hard to describe, but when I think of a goon I think of someone who should be able to scare me even without a weapon.”
“Are you saying women can’t be goo… enforcers?”
“No, I’m just… uh… saying that, even for a woman, you’re not very goonish.”
A large man also in a black suit came out of an alley from behind the apartment building. “I don’t see any other exits,” he told the goonette. He had a scarred face and was a number of pounds bigger than Doug, and all of it looked to be muscle.
“Now he’s what I think of when I hear the word ‘goon’,” Doug said. “He’s intimidating.”
The man walked right up to Doug, and the goonette backed off a bit. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was just telling the lady goon there that she doesn’t seem goonish. I didn’t mean it personal or anything.”
The goon grabbed Doug by his collar and lifted him up slightly. It was pretty scary and much less awkward than when the goonette did it. “That’s sexist! Shannon is a very a good goon.”
“Enforcer!” Shannon corrected.
“She’s roughed up a lot bigger punks than you,” the goon said.
“Maybe she has, but that’s not what I was talking about. Now, I’ve never hired goons, but I have been roughed up by them before. And, to me, a goon should be scary even before the roughing up, just like you’re doing now. She just isn’t intimidating, that’s all.” As Doug got into the argument, he began to gesticulate a bit. This caused the pipe in his sleeve to slip into his hand and reminded him why he was out here in the first place. “Oh yeah.” He smacked the goon in the head, sending him straight to the ground. He then turned to Shannon and held up the pipe, ready to strike again, but just couldn’t hit her, as she really didn’t look that intimidating.
As Doug stood still with the pipe posed over his head, Shannon pointed her knife at him, her hand visibly shaking. Her left hand slowly reached under her jacket. “I have a gun!”
“Well… if you pull out that gun, I’ll bash you good! I really will!”
“This is one pathetic stalemate.” Doug glanced to his side see that Bryce was bent over the downed goon. Bryce pulled a gun out of the goon’s jacket and then stood up and pointed it at Shannon. “You mentioned something about having a gun; why don’t you slowly give that to me.”
She dropped her knife and handed over a pistol. “You’re not going to get away with this, Bryce,” she told him in an attempt at a threatening voice that Doug thought really fell short. “You’re a dead man.”
“Why does everyone take everything so personally?” Bryce looked to Doug. “Now give her a good whack.”
“But she’s unarmed.”
“Which should make it easy.”
Doug looked at Shannon, who stared back in fear. He closed his eyes and prepared to swing, but Shannon bolted. Bryce aimed one of his guns at her but eventually just threw his hands in the air. “Call me sentimental, Doug, but I just can’t shoot an unarmed woman I recently slept with in the back. Anyway, good going there, nitwit. When goons get away, they tend to multiply.”
“She just didn’t look like a goon.”
Bryce handed one of the guns to Doug. “Get with the times, Doug. Even criminal organizations are getting pressured to meet quotas, and that means there is a high demand for female goons.”
“I didn’t know that.” Doug looked over the pistol. “Aren’t these illegal to have when we’re not in uniform?”
“That’s why you hide it under your coat like so.” Bryce put away his gun, and Doug put his in a pocket on the inside of his jacket. “Now grab my stuff…” Bryce pointed to his briefcase and suitcase near the apartment’s doorway. “…and let’s go meet our dates.”
Doug grabbed the bags. “Why are goons after you anyway?”
“Doug, I don’t inquire about your personal life, so leave mine alone.”
“I just watch TV and play videogames when you’re not around.”
“And that’s your business.”
Doug followed Bryce. “And you never did tell me why you trashed your apartment.”
“If I explained everything to you, I wouldn’t have time to do anything else. Come on, Doug; destiny awaits.”
NEXT
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen’s Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.’s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)
Pretzel Logic
Kevin Drum tries to explain how the New York Times ruining spy programs is actually beneficial to the War on Terror. If I had thought of this argument before him, it would have made a nice absurdist humor piece. Meant seriously, it’s a bit pathetic.
This could be a fun mental exercise, though. In the comments, take something disastrous and explain the upside to it.
E.g. “Few people talk about how the Black Plague freed up real-estate leading to cheap homes for the survivors.”
and
“If Hillary Clinton is elected President, at least I can sleep in Sundays since I’ll know for certain there is no God.”
The question is not “Will Harry Potter die?” but “How will Harry Potter die?”
Okay, so the second-richest woman in England is teasing her adoring readers with the possibility that a pair of major characters will croak in the final chapter of the Harry Potter series of books.
“I wrote the final chapter in something like 1990, so I’ve known exactly how the series is going to end,” she told a chat show on Channel 4 television.
“The final chapter is hidden away although it’s now changed very slightly. One character got a reprieve. But I have to say two die that I didn’t intend to die,” Rowling said.
“A price has to be paid, we are dealing with pure evil here. They don’t target extras, do they? They go for the main characters — well, I do.”
Asked whether one of the casualties would be Potter himself, Rowling said she had never been tempted to kill off the magician before the finale.
At the same time, she added: “I can completely understand, however, the mentality of an author who thinks, ‘Well I’m gonna kill them off because that means there can be no non-author written sequels. So it will end with me and after I’m dead and gone they won’t be able to bring back the character’.”
Which makes perfect sense if you think about it. Kill the major roles that people would want to profit from and leave the dregs behind for the public to snear at and pass over.
I mean, nobody’s clamoring for a series of novels telling the legions of Jar Jar Binks fans what the Gungan pain in the ass was up to between the third and fourth movies. (Unless it’s a cookbook… mmmm… Maple Planked Jack Daniels Sauce Gungan!)
So it makes sense that Rowling won’t be settling for stuffing Dobby the Elf in a stewpot or laying Crabbe low with a freak rollerskating accident. This one needs to be nailed shut.
So how will Harry Potter die? Well, it depends on who you ask…
Continue reading ‘The question is not “Will Harry Potter die?” but “How will Harry Potter die?”’ »
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Statement from the New Head of the New York Times on the Spy Programs Controversy
With the New York Times publishing about yet another programming in current use to spy on terrorists – thus ruining the program – there has been much debate about press responsibility. The New York Times seemed to dismiss any questions about its integrity and how its reporting might help terrorists while doing little to inform the public. To get their full stance, I, Frank J., was able to get this exclusive statement from the new head of the NYT…
Kos… With a Tail!
I was thinking: Wouldn’t it be funny if Kos had a tail? Same old crazy Kos, but now with a tail. And I bet I know what would happen: he’s spend all his time blogging about how his tail was part of the neocon conspiracy to reelect Joe Lieberman and how his tail was evil and always trying to fight against true progressive ideals.
Heh, that crazy Kos; always ranting against his tail.