Today being 6/6/6 should only serve to remind us that Satan is everywhere.
Yes, even at the park.
So what can you do to battle Satan? You can listen to me, that’s what.
A FRANK GUIDE TO BATTLING SATAN
* Read the Bible: The Bible is full of great wisdom on fighting evil, but it’s also long and boring, so you’ll probably want to explore other options… especially when the next Harry Potter comes out because you know you’ll just be reading that instead.
* Buy a Shotgun: I don’t care who the hell Satan thinks he is; no one can take a shotgun blast standing (except maybe Chuck Norris). If you think you see the Prince of Lies, blast away.
* Stock Up on Food and Bottled Water: If Satan starts attacking and really going all Armageddon, then you may have to board up your place for a while. Thus, make sure to have food and water. Also, if Satan breaks in, beaning him in the head with a can of cream of mushroom should stun him long enough for you to get away.
* Use Your Head: A lot of battling Satan is just common sense. For instance, if you’re currently running away from Satan, don’t be carrying scissors.
* Don’t Be Fooled: Satan can take on many forms (but not complex devices like a bomb or a gun). Anyone could be Satan. If someone tries to talk you into how evil is good, blast him with your shotgun. If it wasn’t Satan, it serves that guy right for being a moral relativist.
* Take Care of His Minions: Snakes and monkeys are servants of Satan, so kill them as soon as you see them. If they are together, then strangle the monkey using the snake; that may be your only option if you’re trapped on a plane.
* Verbal Battles: Satan has many unsettled father issues, so make sure to take a Freudian approach if forced to do battle with him verbally.
* Wear a Long Sleeve Shirt and Pants: The battle with Satan will probably involve fire, so at least have minimal protection for your limbs. No bike shorts.
* Keep Your Kung Fu Strong: Satan has been around for like forever, so he has probably picked up a lot of kung fu skill. It’s preordained that the final battle will come down to a kung fu fight on a mountain top, so make sure you’re ready to deliver the finishing dragon kick that will send him flying over the edge and back into the abyss. Or hit him with the shotgun again.
These tips should all help. If the world is currently falling to the evil of Satan, then you are doing something wrong and need to re-read these.
Priceless, Frank. My only question is: What is the most vulnerable part of Satan’s body? Would it be his horns, since that’s where his demonic power comes from, or perhaps his tail, since he would lose his aerodynamic balance? Or is he just like any other male: When all else fails, go for the groin?
The best method for battling Satan is to carry a CD player with you. As soon as you see his horns and pitchfork start playing Barbra Streisand music. It is also a pretty good idea to have a raincoat and some rubbers (galoshes). When Satan starts puking up the flesh of the liberals who have gone to hell you don’t want that sh*t to get on your Nikes.
FrankJ – Great post. I also believe that you can knee-cap Satan. I heard that he blew out his knees in that whole Jesus/crucifixion/resurrection thing.
I thought Harry Potter WAS Satan.
You go to HECK Shaun Woods, straight to HECK!!
If you are about to battle Satan, beware of his best disguise and don’t stare into Hillary’s eyes. You will turn to stone!
I’ve got filmed proof that Tom Cruise has already defeated satan.
Legend
I think it would have gone a lot faster if Tom had a shotgun though.
I am afraid my Kung Fu may not be strong enough to deal with Satan. Is there any way to quickly strengthen my Kung Fu?
Speaking of Satan’s minions, where are all the trolls today?
Gunga,
They probably have rituals and stuff to do.
Gunga,
Santa’s minions are still around but have taken on forms that allow them to blend in better in today’s society.
Today they take the form of telemarketers, lawyers, PETA activists, and the French.
Instead of a bible or a crucifix to ward them off, you must now have an unlisted number and carry a restraining order, a bag of beef jerky, and a bar of soap.
Satan is a very tough customer, but he is easily distracted. He also cannot stand being treated nice. So by smiling, telling him God loves him and saying things like, “Was that the archangel Michael that just flew by?” you can usually keep him oof balance. Oh yeah, tell him he las a shrimplike winky too.
Former,
“You sit on a throne of lies.”
Stay on the balls of your feet and be ready to jump out of the way quickly. Sometimes he is crouching at your door.
Thanks for these fun and easy tips!
(And see, this is exactly why Satan doesn’t fight his own battles. One on one, even Aquaman could take him. I mean, fire doesn’t work in the ocean, snakes and monkeys can’t swim, and the Democrats would turn on their master once they realize that Aquamen are an endangered species.)
Hey Frank, as I perusing your site today I came across “Franks Guide to Battling Satan” it sounded awfully familiar. Then I realized why. Joe Soucheray (who is on 1500 am)which is one of the most popular, if not the most popular talk radio guy in Minnesota was reading this article on the air today, I only caught the last half of it so I’m not sure if he gave you credit but he and the rest of his on air people loved it and were laughing through everything I heard. Good job.
ussjimmycarter
“If you are about to battle Satan, beware of his best disguise and don’t stare into Hillary’s eyes. You will turn to stone!”
Apparently, that wears off after a while. After a few years Bill had to start looking elsewhere to turn to stone.
Bubba was doing Sharon Stone?
Satan feels the need to defend himself and set the record straight.