(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush’s visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.
Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:
“In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world’s worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]”
Being a so-called “writer” myself, I just hate to see writer’s block cramping someone’s style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.
So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:
… nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that’s just on his ranch:
… nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global… something. It’s hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.
… nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don’t see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I’ve proven my point.
… nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn’t happen.
… nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That’s just CRAZY! It’s like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.
… nearly 3000 hurricanes – each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT – which have slammed into the coastal United States – killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens – while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush’s oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.
… BUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!1!
… nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.
… nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator’s natural prey – poodles.
… nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.
… nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.
By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.
By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.
I think that it’s “Toga! Toga!” I’m reasonably sure that future Senator John Blutarsky was modeled on him.
The dirty Mexican comment was beneath you.
Gotta agree with Pat, man. I would’ve said “filthy” so you don’t imply that they are dishonest.
It’s about global warming, but you guys can relax and take it easy. I have a Globe in my living room and it is not any warmer than anything else in the room. I think what the real deal is, is that he doesn’t want anyone to have one of the globes because not a single one has Palestine anywhere on it. Hmmm. I wonder why that is? If mine does start warming up I will just go get another one that has Occupied Iraq on it.
I heard that translated it sounds like this:
I feel sweaty
Oh, so sweaty,
I feel sweaty and gritty with blight!
And I pity
Any lib who isn’t me tonight.
I am alarming
Oh, so alarming
It’s alarming how alarming I feel!
And so sweaty
That I hardly can believe I’m real.
See the savior of the world in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive man be?
Such a sweaty face,
Such a sweaty mess,
Such alarming bile,
Such a sweaty me!
Global warming
locusts swarming,
I Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I’m loved
by the left as their wonder boy!
…nearly 4 quadrillion metric tons of poo flung by monkey faced liberals who desperately need a punch in their stupid liberal monkey faces. Shockingly, this quantity of fecal matter still cannot overcome their body odor.
Don’t forget the 87.3 billion innocent Iraqis that Bush slaughtered.
capt america ranks right up there with laurence simon on reworking lyrics! that so cool, i wish audrey hepburn wasn’t dead so she could sing it!
does that come from the long tradition of MAD magazine lyrical twistings?
The DGSE ROCKS! I think I finally found something I like about them… oh, and there WAS the battle of Tours… so Two things… Oh, and Sophie Marceau… ok so Three things. Hey, short round of applause for the french!
clap
Harvey, this was great! I enjoyed & loved it!