Although the podcast is still on hiatus, I just realized that I never posted the uncut Fun Facts About Massachusetts, therefore…
The version on the IMAO podcast (March 9th “Friends Don’t Let Friends Shoot Friends in the Face”) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision is in the extended entry…
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I’m your host, Harvey, and – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to go drunk driving with the Kennedys in Massachusetts, so let’s get started…
Massachusetts became the 6th state on February 6th 1788, thereby stripping Pennsylvania of its coveted “hardest state name to spell correctly” title.
The state flag of Massachusetts consists of a white field emblazoned with a fat senator waving a gin bottle while driving off a bridge.
The state motto of Massachusetts is “The Yankees Suck!”
The state flower of Massachusetts is the gin blossom, which makes Ted Kennedy’s face a protected state wilderness area.
The highest point in Massachusetts is Mt. Greylock at 3500 feet. It was recently re-named “Mt. Whitelock” after it successfully defeated a Balrog.
Massachusetts was nicknamed the Bay State because its large native population of werewolves spend a lot of time howling at the moon.
The word Massachusetts is a Narraganset Indian word meaning “Tribal elders say ok. Squaw can marry squaw”.
Massachusetts has a population of 6 million people, all of whom have a harder time pronouncing the letter “R” than a busload of Japanese tourists.
The state song of Massachusetts is “The Theme From Brokeback Mountain”.
Actor Jack Albertson was born in Malden, Massachusetts, and was best known for playing Grandpa Joe in the original version of “Teddy and the Whiskey Factory”.
Salem, Massachusetts was the site of the infamous witch trials of 1692, where over 50 women were burned at the stake for weighing the same as a duck.
The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.
The town of Franklin, Massachusetts was NOT named in honor of Benjamin Franklin, as most people think, but rather for the token black kid in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.
The city of Rockport, Massachusetts contains a house that’s built entirely out of old newspapers. Visitors are requested not to jump to any hasty conclusions regarding why the toilet is made out of the New York Times.
The birth control pill was invented in Worcester, Massachusetts, and proved to be even more effective at preventing conception than attending a Star Trek Convention dressed as a Klingon.
Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning “crime-ridden cesspool”.
The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 after the sword Excalibur was pulled from Plymouth Rock by Arthur, King of the Pilgrims.
Why, yes, I was watching “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” while reseaching these fun facts.
All the Founding Fathers threw tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party on December 16th, 1773, except for John Hancock, who was busy writing his name in the snow in letters large enough for King George to read without his glasses.
Massachusetts was originally settled by the cast of the British TV show, “Survivor: Plymouth”.
Massachusetts is currently engulfed in a brutal civil war between Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme over which is the “One True Donut”.
The Massachusetts tourism slogan is, “Man, woman, goat – whatever – if you can fit it into a wedding dress, you can marry it here.”
On this day in 1985, Ted Kennedy successfully drove over a brige without killing anyone.
Well, technically he ran over a homeless guy, but that doesn’t really count.
Soldiers from Massachusetts are the most feared of all American fighting men, since – being true Patriots – they always defeat their enemies with a last-second field goal.
Well, that wraps up the Massachusetts edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be taking a swing through the land of new cars and breakfast cereals as I visit Michigan.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish getting this goat into a wedding dress.
[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
Here are some Massachusetts’ Crazy Laws: (They are real)
Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal (Unless you are a registered democrat).
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
It’s illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)
Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
Public boxing matches are outlawed.
It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine.
It’s illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)
It’s illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)
It’s illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)
Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)
Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)
Quakers and witches are banned.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)
Boston
No one may take a bath without a prescription.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.
An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
It is illegal to play the fiddle.
Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
Burlington
You may not walk around with a “drink”.
Cambridge
It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).
It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)
Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.
Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.
Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.
Marlboro
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.
It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.
Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town’s mayor.
North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.
Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to “walk around” with a beer in your hand. (Repealed)
The funniest part of this post was “week by week, I’ll be . . . “
Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning crime-ridden cesspool ,too true, but we are slowly getting better. Now if we could only get Tom Reilly “Mr. Unfortunately” (the attorney general) out of office maybe some criminals would get prosecuted. As for the brutal civil war between Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme- KK isn’t making it here, DOUBLE D RANCH ALL THE WAY BABY!!!
Oh yeah, there is one more dumb law in Massachuesetts I forgot about. Appaerently it is not against the law to drive off a bridge while intoxicated and leave a young lady to drown. “When I returned to the cah Mary Jo was gone. Er, so was the cah”
I’m from Massachusetts…it’s all true.
So when was the “IMAO Podcast” going to return to the internet airwaves?
“The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.”
“Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning “crime-ridden cesspool.”
Ouch! OUCH!!! If had been a bit more inebriated, I’d give you a piece of my mind. Being sober at the moment, I realize I don’t have it to spare… Now if they had dangled a pint o’ Guiness, that would be different… lol
Harvey, did you do NM yet? We’re the land of the new-age moonbats; all that pot, peyote, and spiritual karma + Santa Fe does have more homosexuals per capita than ‘Frisco, after all. Don’t misunderstand; their sex life is their business, not mine, but I’ve yet to to see a Straight-Pride Day parade here.
And we have Bill Richardson for a governor (shudder). The same guy that pandered to latino governments abroad and latino-exclusive initiatives here, but only recently decided that illegal immigration is a serious problem, and asked for Federal help. BTW, he’s now reneging on the issue & criticizing the decision to deploy the National Guard to enforce the law.
What a smart, smart guy!
Heads up- he may try to run for El Presidente, so be forewarned.
The podcast?
That’s kind of a SarahK question. She’s the producer/director/key grip on that one.
As for New Mexico, that’s about 10 states farther down the list. I’m going alphabetically.
Yep! I too wanna know. Anyways, I’m waiting to see more similar posts.
//It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. //
Does Teddy K know about this one?
Crap. I was hoping there was a podcast out there to be had when I saw this title.
Keep in mind that we started the whole damn country, Massacre, tea party, Lexington, Concord, etc. If you don’t speak like us, YOU have the accent. Those Salem witches weren’t burned for weighing the same as a duck, they had turned a loca man into a newt.
Pelletman – I heard that guy got better, though 🙂
lol Yeah, but the girls sure didn’t. I don’t think CPR & burn therapy was very advanced back then. It’s really too bad, since the same thing figuratively happens now with conserverative women like Michelle Malkin & Anne Colture.
“We don’t like what awful things they say in their books, or on their websites, but we say anything to disparage our opponents to garner pity for ourselves. Those bitches!!!”