“Here is our current military problem,” Rumsfeld told President Bush as he put a slide on screen. It was a picture of smiling faces of many different races and cultures. “Foreigners! And the solution is: Kill all foreigners.”
“I’m afraid you’re stuck in a rut, Rummy,” Bush said. “So I’m bringing in some fresh ideas.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled. “How dare you!”
“Calm down. I just want everyone to be on board in fighting the terrorists, so I thought I’d bring in a Democrat to help with planning as co-Secretary of Defense. It was easy to pick, since there is only one Democrat actually laying out a plan.”
There was a pounding on the door to the conference room. “The door won’t open!” a voice shouted.
“Did you try the handle?” Bush suggested.
“The what?”
“Sheesh.” Bush walked over and opened the door. In walked Murtha clad in pajamas and slippers.
“Where am I?”
“You’re in a conference room at the White House to help with military strategery,” Bush explained slowly.
“Can I just go ahead and strangle him now?” Rumsfeld asked.
“No. Let’s first hear what he has to say.”
Murtha walked over to a map of the world on the wall. “We need to get out of Iraq! It’s dangerous. We need to get our troops elsewhere.”
“But where?” Bush asked.
Murtha looked over the map. “Well… uh… I don’t see it on here on the map… but we should redeploy to the moon!”
“Can I strangle him now?”
“No, Rummy!” Bush shouted.
“The moon is perfect,” Murtha continued. “We can just as easily fight terrorism from there. It’s up high, so we can see everything. When we need to strike somewhere, we can just jump and we’ll fall right towards it.”
“Brilliant!” Bush exclaimed. He then thought for a moment and his enthusiasm faded. “Hey, but what if someone nukes the moon?”
“We’ll cover the moon with a Plexiglas shield,” Murtha said. “Plexiglas is strong.”
“Brilliant!”
Rumsfeld sat down. “Just tell me when it’s okay for me to strangle him.”
“The only problem with the moon,” Murtha explained, “is that it may contain a race of angry mole-people.”
Bush shivered. “Oh no! Not mole-people!”
“If that’s true, then we’ll have to redeploy elsewhere.”
“But where?”
Murtha looked over the map and then pointed to one area. “What’s this place called?”
“The Pacific Ocean,” Rumsfeld answered as he tensed his hands for a strangling.
“Are we going under the sea?” Bush asked.
“No, there are giant squids down there,” Murtha said. “We’ll make a base that floats. Now, what floats?”
“Dead bodies,” Rumsfeld answered.
“Very small rocks?” Bush said.
“Styrofoam peanuts,” Murtha stated. “I have a lot at my house and we can make a base out of them. Now I just need to sit down for a second.” Murtha took a seat and immediately fell asleep.
Rumsfeld stood up. “I guess it’s time to strangle him.”
“You can’t strangle him while he’s sleeping; he’s a veteran.”
Rumsfeld thought for a moment. “How about I just throw him in the Potomac?”
“Okay.”
First!
Wonderful as always.
Don’t fight.
Because you see, dropping 500 lb bombs on a terrorist will only create 100 more terrorists that want the same thing to happen to them so they can get their 72 virgins too.
It doesnt matter that the US is killing hundreds of terrorists..whoops did I say terrorist? I meant freedom fighters, minutemen, resistance fighters, insurgents.. Dont talk to me about free elections, a new government forming of free thinking Iraqis or that Iraqi security forces are almost ready to take charge of their own security. ChimpyBushMcHalliburton and his gang of rethuglicans are BAD BAD BAD. If we won this thing, it might make him look good and we cant have that! Id rather just give up now. Let’s hand the head choppers a big victory!!!
I almost forgot..Its all the Jews fault. They still exist and that just pisses off all of those peace loving muslims so much that they have no choice but to get all bi-polar and blow up stuff.
Sincerely,
Hate filled Lefty
good one as usual, Frank!
can’t….stop….laughing….
GO RUMMY, GO!!!
Yay Rummy!
Excellent, as usual, Frank!
//”The only problem with the moon,” Murtha explained, “is that it may contain a race of angry mole-people.”//
You mean the folks from the Daily KOS live on the moon?? No wonder they’re called moonbats.
Well done Frank and nice plug for your “Nuke the Moon” idea as well.
Problem: Murtha floats. He’s basically a bag filled with gas.
Solution: A sequel to the popular movie starring Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick, Jr. Call it “Murtha Floats.”
Do a cross-promotion with A&W Restaurants or some other national soda fountain.
The marketing opportunities are endless.
Okay, I admit it. I stole this fantasyland scheme from Howard Dean.
Didn’t I see that yesterday on C-Span II?
Actually, I believe the line was “VERY small rocks…”. I’ve never seen anyone who could include Python references so often in political dicourse. I love it!
Priceless
Priceless, yet I must protest the environmental damage dumping Murtha in the Potomac might casue.
“You can’t strangle him while he’s sleeping; he’s a veteran.”
I don’t know if you meant for it to work that way or not, but the punctuation makes it seem like Bush is just so matter of fact about it, when you would expect shock or outrage.
eh, funny either way.
Too bad Kennedy and Murtha weren’t the two 500-pound bombs we dropped on that safe house. I’m sure their blood alcohol and fat content would qualify them as incendiaries.
“You can’t strangle him while he’s sleeping; he’s a veteran.”
Best line of the post!
Murtha’s “Where am I?” reminded me of when Perot’s VP candidate introduced himself at the 1992 debate.
In walked Murtha clad in pajamas and slippers.
What an image! It made me want to laugh and vomit simultaneously.
Damian, after the Okinawa comment I started getting Admr. Stockdale vibes off him too.